Feeling This

by Blue, Casey

  She looks down at the chart cradled in her arm and asks, “Are you Kimber or Jenna Maguire?”

  I want to burst out laughing out of sheer anger. How did they get Jenna’s name? Momma must have told them. She’s her favorite right now I guess, buying her bottles.

  “I’m Kimber.”

  “Okay, well Kimber. I guess it was your neighbor who brought your mom in.”

  I nod already knowing this, wanting her to give me the bad news already so we can just move on.

  “She had a pretty bad fall this time. I understand you were here for a fall about six months ago. She broke her arm that time. This time, it’s a little bit more serious. She broke her hip. She was in pretty bad pain so we gave her some medication to help her with it.”

  I take a deep breath, realizing I had forgotten to breathe while she told me the news. When I can, I ask in an uneven voice, “Can you fix it?”

  “Yes, we can. However Kimber, you do realize with the MS, it is going to be a lot harder on her than if she had just broken the hip with no other complications. And I want you to know she was very intoxicated. I am guessing that contributed to the fall.”

  I’m suddenly furious at my sister. She didn’t do what I asked her do to this morning. I nod my head at her embarrassed and already knowing it will always be harder with the MS. Do they think I don’t know this? Everything is harder and Momma of all people makes sure I know it every day. I let this Dr. Martin have her moment though and try to look as innocent as I can.

  She continues, “She will need surgery to pin the hip. Then she will need around the clock supervision for a while until it is healed. Probably around 12 weeks for her.”

  It hits me pretty hard hearing this. Suddenly I am losing it. How I am going to work full time to pay the bills and take care of her? I have no one to help and it is toxic to even attempt to get Jenna’s help.

  “Kimber, did you hear what I said?”

  I shake my head, “No, sorry.”

  “I was just telling you that there are nurses in town that can come in and stay with her if you need it.”

  I dismiss her suggestion, “Thank you doctor. Um, when is her surgery?”

  She glances down at her watch and back at the chart, “It’s at 9 am this morning. I’ll be doing the surgery myself. Do you have any other questions?”

  “No, thank you.” I mumble still trying to think of a way we can survive this. Her hospital stay and surgery costs are going to be bad enough. The insurance doesn’t ever cover all of it. There is always something I have to pay for.

  The doctor asks before leaving, “Kimber, Does your mom drink often?”

  I was afraid of this question. I nod, giving her the truth. I can’t shoulder it any longer.

  “Someone is giving her alcohol behind my back and I can’t keep whoever it is away.”

  She nods at me and leaves the room.

  Momma wakes up an hour later. She’s disoriented and grumpy immediately lashing out at me, “Kimber, where the hell have you been? If you woulda been there, this wouldn’t a happened.”

  I just sit in the chair staring at her taking every word she has to dish out. She’s right a little. If I wouldn’t have gone to Jordan’s, I could have prevented this from happening.

  I glance down at my phone and text Heidi as she goes on about needing a drink and a cigarette. Heidi immediately responds that she’s on her way. I’m so thankful. I ‘m about to lose it, the past few days have added to my emotional instability. After I get the response from Heidi, I walk out into the hall and call Mrs. Bruin to tell her what happened. She assures me that she is fine and not to worry. It’s not her I’m worried about it’s whether we will be able to keep our house or not.

  When nine o’clock rolls around, the nurses come in to get Momma ready for surgery. She yells at them about how they aren’t helping her. They are really there to make her hurt more. I’m about to yell at her to shut up when Heidi walks in and places her arm around my shoulders. Immediately I lean into her and cry on her shoulder. As they push Momma past she yells out, “Don’t know what you’re cryin’ bout. It’s me has ta go and get surgery.”

  Heidi growls, “Mrs. Maguire, you should just shut it and I mean that with the utmost of respect.”

  Momma looks at her dumbfounded. Her features turn dark and she’s about to respond but the nurses push her out the door before she can. I follow them down the hall with Heidi’s arms around me the whole way. They stop at some double swinging doors with a sign that displays, ‘Hospital Personnel Only Beyond This Point’, across it.

  I walk up beside her and grab her hand. I look down into her hard eyes and whisper, “I love you, Momma. I’ll be right here when you get out.”

  For a second, I see a tiny bit of fear and then she pulls her hand away and tells me, “Well you better be.”

  Anger surfaces in me. Why does she always have to be such a bitch? Heidi pulls me back at the perfect time. I was about to let it all out and now is not the right time. She pulls on my hand as I watch my momma go through the double doors. I say a silent prayer that she gets through this surgery without any complications.

  We end up sitting in the cafeteria with coffee. I didn’t realize how bad I needed it until I took a sip and the warmth spread calming me. Heidi asks, “How much sleep did you get last night? You look like hell.”

  I smirk, “Guess I can always count on you to keep it real.”

  She smiles and sips her coffee while mumbling, “Any hot doctors here? This is probably where I should be looking instead of the bars where they’re all losers.”

  My hands cradle the coffee and I savor the warmth.

  “Oh, except Jordan. By the way how is our resident hottie? Did you have hot make up sex?”

  I glare at her, “Get your head on Heidi. Momma just went into surgery. “

  She waves her hand, “Oh Kimber you know she’ll be fine. She always is. Just hangin’ in there to make your life miserable.”

  I rest my chin on my hand, wondering when I will get to sleep again. This thing with Momma changes everything. My mind drifts to Jordan and how wonderful he was last night. I’m not sure he will want to continue this when he finds out about all of this. Who would want a girl who has to take care of her sick and mean mother? Maybe I should end it before it goes any further. The thought of that breaks my heart in two but I can’t imagine having any time for him now that Momma needs me.

  Chapter Thirty One

  Jordan

  The next morning, I roll over as bits of light peek through the curtains. Shit, I overslept. It took me a long time to get to sleep last night. As much as I didn’t want to feel it, I was truly crushed that Kimber walked out after what I had told her. I was hurt that she didn’t want to share as I had. But I’ve put her through enough pain twice already. It’s going to take a while to convince her of my intentions. Hell, I just made the decision to pursue her, yesterday.

  I scurry to my phone and call Joe, asking him to pass a message about over sleeping on to the boss. He laughs it off calling me a city boy, teasing that I need my beauty sleep. At least he is in good spirits about my absence. I just hope Mr. Bruin feels the same way.

  When I get out to the ranch, Mrs. Bruin steps out onto the porch with the boys in tow. She smiles and tells me, “Stanley asked me to tell you to head out to the South field. He said you can saddle up Gypsy.”

  I nod, “Thank you ma’am.”

  She turns to the house, calling the boys in after her. I walk out to the barn to find Gypsy alone in her stall. She lifts her head in greeting as soon as I step through the door. This is her routine, the way she greets me every morning. Mike said she’s gotten worse, she won’t even acknowledge anyone else anymore. I find it pretty humorous.

  When I was thirteen and still riding occasionally, I was really attached to a white stud named Bandit. He would greet me similarly to Gypsy when I went to the stables. After a couple of years though, he got sick and they had to put him down. I was pretty upset and
it was the primary reason I gave up riding. After that, I only rode for polo and I chose a different horse each time never bonding with any others.

  I’ve been leery with Gypsy because of Bandit, but it’s impossible to turn back now, just as it is with Kimber. I’m hooked and there’s no retreating now. I ready Gypsy, climb up onto her back and head out to the field. I glance over at the main house wondering if Kimber is here yet. I hope she brings the lunches out today. Somehow I have to prove to her how serious I am about us.

  The sun is relentless. Every day the grass darkens more, making the fields look almost like a barren desert off in the distance. The cows and horses are pretty much out of luck with grass grazing. We haul hay bales out now. By the time we head back to the barn, Gypsy has had it with the heat and so have I. My shirt was removed hours ago and the lake looks so tempting as we pass it. Kimber and the boys aren’t there today. Who could blame them? I’d stay in the house where it’s cool, if I could.

  When I approach the barn and climb down from Gypsy, I notice on the other side of the barn that Mrs. Bruin is out with the lunches. I wonder if Kimber is avoiding me but push that thought away. I opened up to her last night and let my intentions be known. The ball is in her court now. Maybe she needs to come and find me when she’s ready. I need to be patient and give her time.

  When Mrs. Bruin gets to my lunch, she eyes me curiously and smiles as if she’s made a decision. Her eyes crinkle with a grin as she asks, “Jordan, I was wondering if you could come by the house after work today?”

  “Of course, Mrs. Bruin. I’ll be right over when we finish.”

  “Alright then, I’ll see you.” She nods and turns to walk back.

  I wonder what she needs to say to me that she can’t say out here but before I can let my mind roam any further Joe makes his way toward me. He sits on the hay bale beside me while taking a bite of his sandwich. He asks after a swig of water, “You and Kimber, work things out?”

  “Still working.” I answer.

  “Well keep at it, she’ll come around eventually.”

  Joe seems like a good guy but he seems to always speak with the least amount of words leaving me wondering sometimes. I ask curiously, “What exactly do you know Joe?”

  Before he can answer though I confess, “I really don’t even know anything myself.”

  He chuckles, “Remember I told you how this town talks. Well, Kimber just happens to be best friends with the biggest mouth around this place. Nothin’ is sacred to that girl.”

  It’s my turn to chuckle. I’ve pretty much experienced his exact words about Heidi on more than one occasion. I’m guessing as long as she’s around, my life will be public knowledge. As long as it’s with Kimber though, that’s not a problem.

  I mumble, “That explains a lot.”

  He laughs, getting up and claps me on the back, “Hang in there.”

  I nod and glance at the house, wondering what Mrs. Bruin needs to say to me.

  The second half of the day drags on forever. I’m not short on predictions about why Mrs. Bruin wants to see me. I have a bad feeling it has to do with Kimber. Apparently, it’s public knowledge that she and I have been talking so I would assume Joe isn’t the only one around here who knows.

  At 4:30, I head over to the main house, fitting my t-shirt back over my head. When I get to the screen, I get a hint of dinner smells wafting through the air. The T.V. is on in the living room off to the right of the door and the boys are sitting mere inches from the screen mesmerized. I chuckle at this. My sister and I were the same way at that age. Some things never change. I knock firmly and wait, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. For some reason I’m nervous. Mrs. Bruin walks into the room toward the door. She glances at the boys and hollers at them to scoot back from the T.V. They both oblige not moving their gazes.

  She puts her hand up on the frame and grabs the handle, pulling it inward. “Jordan, Thanks for coming.”

  I step in as she gestures for me to follow her through the house into the kitchen. She grabs a bowl full of mashed potatoes from the counter and hands it to me. I cradle it frowning.

  She smiles instructing, “Take that out to the table on the porch, will you?”

  In the next breath she calls out, “Stanley, dinner.”

  When I get to the table, I set the bowl down and notice it’s set for five. Within the next minute she’s coming out the door followed by Mr. Bruin and the boys. I’m thankful but also confused by their hospitality.

  The boys notice me and each of them grabs a hand. Michael claims, “Jordan’s stayin’ fer dinner. Yay!”

  I look down at them and smile. Mrs. Bruin tells them, “Alright now leave Jordan alone. Let him breathe.”

  They immediately let me go and each take a seat. Martin starts a conversation about the cows with his dad as Mrs. Bruin tells me to have a seat and help myself. I sit down and state, “Thank you so much Mrs. Bruin.”

  “It’s nothing Jordan. I still need to talk to you but I thought you could use a good home cooked meal. I hear you’ve been eating a lot at Mary’s. It’s good food but it’s not home.”

  I smirk and agree, “No, it’s definitely not home.”

  Mr. Bruin pipes up through a bite of chicken, “Speaking of home Jordan. Joe tells me you’re still living at the Derby. Any reason? You plannin’ on stayin’ a while?”

  So that’s what this is about. They’re worried I’m going to up and run out on them. I assure him, “Yes, sir. I do plan on staying.”

  I pause as what I’m saying becomes clear. “I just haven’t had any time to look for something more permanent.”

  Once I’ve said this I want nothing more than to see Kimber and tell her. But I realize I never actually saw her car here today and she left so abruptly last night. My words rush out, “I didn’t see Kimber’s car here today. Did she come to work?”

  Mrs. Bruin’s face falters and in that instant panic rises in me. I will never forgive myself if something happened to her. But before I can probe further, Mrs. Bruin explains, “That’s actually why I wanted you to stop by.”

  She shoos the boys,” Michael, Martin, go in the house for a few minutes. Okay boys?”

  They don’t have to be told twice. They head in talking about some dinosaur show on T.V.

  “Jordan, I understand you and Kimber have been spending time together.”

  I nod confirming her suspicions. She continues, “Did she share anything with you?”

  I squirm a little here because that was the problem. She didn’t share anything last night. I shake my head sadly.

  “Well, that’s a shame. I guess all in good time. But I think she could really use some support right now. I thought that might be something you’d be interested in knowing.”

  “Yes, ma’am. Is she alright?” The time it takes her to answer seems like forever. My heart will beat right out of my chest.

  “Oh yes, Kimber is fine. It’s her momma. She’s had a difficult go of it and unfortunately Kimber has always been the one to pick up the pieces.”

  She stops abruptly, saying, “I’ll let her tell you everything, it should come from her anyway. If you want to help her like I think you do, you’ll find her at the hospital.”

  I look from her to Mr. Bruin. He has relaxed leaning back into his chair looking at me while squinting. When my eyes meet his they widen and he nods and says, “Just give me a call if you need tomorrow off.”

  As I stand, the chair slides backward making a hollow sound against the stone floor. I nod and turn to the house, feeling urgency through every bone in my body. Mrs. Bruin calls after me, “Tell Kimber, we’re prayin’ for her and Stacy.”

  I call back, not bothering to stop, “I will.”

  Chapter Thirty Two

  Kimber

  After Momma came out of surgery, it took her a while to wake up from the anesthesia. When she did finally open her eyes, she was disoriented and screaming out to no one in particular, about how we are all out to get her. She had to
be restrained and given something to help her sleep. I’ve been here all day, afraid to leave. A part of me worries that if I leave she’ll think I’ve abandoned her. I don’t want her to feel like that. I’ve already experienced it with my sister and the whole missing a father figure thing. Well, except for Mr. Bruin. He took us under his wing when we were young but it wasn’t the same as having a dad at home.

  I haven’t had a shower in twenty-four hours which means I smell pretty ripe. Heidi left a few hours ago, claiming her Momma wanted her home. I knew it was a lie. Her mom has never, not a day in Heidi’s life, cared about where she was. As long as she was out of her Momma’s hair, it didn’t matter. I think Heidi does the things she does for attention because she never got it growing up.

  Anyway, she trekked through the three floors of the hospital looking for prospective Heidi conquests and came up empty handed. Finally, at three she was done. She couldn’t take being here any longer. I completely understand. I can’t wait to get home to clean myself up.

  I glance at my watch and see it turn just past six. I glance over at Momma to find she’s still sleeping. I rise up from the chair, sore from sitting so long in one position, to stretch my legs. I stand next to her peering down at the peaceful features that only appear when she’s sleeping. I grasp her hand in mine and whisper, “Momma, somehow we’re gonna get through this. I don’t know how but I will find a way.”

  When I turn, a shadow is cast across the floor. I look up to see Jordan standing in the doorway looking hesitant. I look away ashamed and back to my mom. I hear him take a step into the room but not another. I swing my eyes back to him, unsure what he’s doing here.

  He explains in a soft voice, “I was worried when you left last night. And today when you weren’t at the ranch.” He takes a step closer and confesses, “Kimber, You can talk to me. It’s okay.”