Feeling This

by Blue, Casey

  “Yes, Mom. No, I’m not coming home.”

  He pauses then takes a deep breath, while running his hand through his hair and seeming to relent replying, “I didn’t realize.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea if I go, Mom.

  His eyes turn from me averting to the window he’s sitting beside. His voice finally turns soft and he says, “Okay, I’ll see you then. Yes, I’ll call Dave.”

  He hangs up looking sullen. I squeeze his hand which is still holding mine. He releases my hand, resting both of his on the table. He stares forward, avoiding my gaze and I know, my happiness was fleeting, it’s about to end, like it always does. I want to run out and escape hearing the bad news that he is about to break to me but I stay because a tiny ray of hope still resonates within me.

  “Kimber, I have to go home this weekend.”

  My heart falls, I knew it. I push to get out of the booth but he grabs my hand holding me in place. He turns to look at me, “I have to go back, because one of my oldest friends is getting married.”

  A wash of relief runs through me. Just a wedding, he’ll be back, I tell myself.

  Our pizza arrives. Once we both have a slice in front of us and the server has gone he continues, “Dave is marrying Bree, Susan’s best friend.”

  He waits a moment and finishes, “I have to go because I committed to be his best man. I’ve been a terrible friend lately; this is the least I can do.”

  I lean over and take a bite of my pizza letting his words settle. Okay, I can handle this. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, I’m glad he is supporting his friend. I chew until he tells me the last bit.

  “Kimber, I want you to come with me.”

  I stop chewing and sit statuesque for a minute, then my head starts shaking rigorously. No, I can’t go to his home, not where he loved someone else. Not away from Momma.

  “Jordan, I can’t leave Momma. She needs someone to watch her and I’m all she has.”

  His eyes plead with me and I feel like such a bitch but I don’t say anything.

  He brings my hand up to his lips and mumbles, “I need you to come with me. I don’t think I can do this alone.”

  My heart stops for a moment and speeds up double time. I can’t tell him no, not when he asks me like that. I ask in a choked voice, “What about Momma?”

  “Do you trust me Kimber?” He stares, unblinking.

  I nod positive that I trust him so implicitly already, which scares me but at the same time releases so much tension, if that is even possible. He lets my hand go setting it on the table and encourages, “Eat your pizza, I promised I’d fatten you up.”

  Chapter Thirty Five

  Jordan

  Although this is still so new to both Kimber and I, it was obvious from the moment I introduced myself to her that she is a guarded person. As I’ve gotten to know her more and more, she’s proven that to be true. I now understand where it comes from. She’s had a rough life and there is nothing I want more in this moment than to take away her burdens and let her live freely.

  I saw a hint of the tension lift when she woke up from the hospital chair and saw that her mom would be fine without her for the night. It’s as if her face smoothed over when Ms. Maguire gave her blessing for me to take Kimber home. It lasted about forty more minutes after that and I caused it all to come crashing back down on both of us. The minute my phone rang, I had a feeling but I couldn’t ignore things at home any longer.

  I answered, watching fear and confusion cross over Kimber’s face. Then, after I hung up with my mom completely filled with misery, I knew I would place the burden right back on her. Every word that came out of my mouth after I hung up, I regretted but knew there was no alternative. As selfish of me as it is, I can’t go back without her. I asked her to trust me and she agreed. I’ve decided that she is my life now…

  “Jordan, Jordan, are you okay?” Kimber’s worried voice breaks through to me.

  I slowly look over at her and smile. She looks worried but she’s eating which is good.

  “I just realized something.” My words are broken.

  She lifts her half eaten piece of pizza and asks, “What did you realize?”

  As she chews I notice a drop of sauce on the corner of her lip. I lean over and carefully lick it off and mumble, “That you are my life now. That is why you have to go with me.”

  As she finishes chewing and wipes her mouth, she glances up into my eyes unsure and searching for something.

  I explain, “Susan was my life for a long time. That’s how I thought of her. When she died, I thought everything died along with her. But it didn’t, you are my life now.

  She smirks, moving closer to me. Mere inches from kissing she stops and runs her hand through my hair. Her warm breath caresses my lips as she speaks, “Jordan, your life is your own, but if you wake up every morning thinking of me, if I am what helps you face each day, I will happily be your life.”

  A tear runs down her cheek but she quickly wipes it away. I kiss her full lips tasting remnants of pizza. Now I just need to confront my old life without completely losing it.

  When we finish dinner, we drive back to my motel. We’ve decided to put my hunt for a new place to live on hold until we get back from Dallas. I tried to take her back to her house where she would be more comfortable but she refused. There are still things about both of us that we are holding back. I can only hope that time will help us both in healing and trusting.

  When we got to the motel we slowly undressed each other and made love long into the night as if each and every moment was going to be the last. Neither of us has professed our love yet. The timing just isn’t right.

  The next morning, I call the hospital to find out about getting a home health care nurse to come and take care of Kimber’s mom. We arrange for almost around the clock care. After that I call the Bruins and explain that we both need to go out of town for a few days. Mrs. Bruin agrees to visit Ms. Maguire while we are gone to check on her. I am sure of my plan but when I tell Kimber, she pretty much loses it.

  “Jordan, Momma is not going to go for a nurse in her house. And on top of that, how in the hell am I going to pay for it?”

  I explain carefully to her, “It’s going to work out, I promise. Your mom will be okay with it and I will cover the costs.”

  She adamantly refuses but I quiet her with a kiss that won’t allow her any more protests. We end up back in bed halfway naked when her phone rings through the room. She jumps up hurrying to snatch it up, “Momma, are you okay?”

  I hear only her end of the conversation but I check my watch and know exactly why she’s calling. I might have lost some brownie points with her mom.

  “Yes, Momma, I know it’s 8:30.” She glares at me while I get up and head for the bathroom.

  “We’ll be there in thirty minutes. Yes, Momma.”

  I poke my head around the corner and ask through my toothbrush, “Was it that bad?”

  She rolls her eyes, “Jordan, you don’t know bad with her. If you stick around long enough, I’m sure you’ll get the full experience.”

  Once I rinse my mouth out, I turn around blocking her view into the mirror. I grab her hips, pulling her flush to my body. My serious gaze meets her worried one.

  “Kimber, I will try forever to convince you that I am not going anywhere.”

  She shakes her head looking away. I frown, putting my finger under her chin to guide her eyes up to mine, “I mean it. You and me, we need each other, remember?”

  She nods uneasily and backs away. I’m frustrated at her sudden withdrawal. She seems so unsure now. At some point she will have to trust me and everything I tell her. At least I hope.

  ***

  We stroll into Ms. Maguire’s hospital room to find her napping. A short, stocky nurse walks in after us and tells Kimber, “Ms. Maguire, the doctor checked on your mom this morning and she has decided that you can take her home today. We just need to go over these discharge instructions and then she
can leave with you this afternoon.”

  Once the instructions have been given and I’m back from making final plans for the home health care nurse, Mrs. Maguire wakes up. She starts yelling at Kimber as soon as she opens her eyes, “Well, when I told you to leave and eat, I didn’t think I’d have to call you to get you to come back. Is that what this is, you got yerself a man and you leave me to rot?”

  Kimber sinks to the bed beside her mom and pleads, “Momma, you know that’s not the truth. You told me to go home and to eat something.”

  “Well I thought you’d keep yer word. Maybe yer just like Jenna and him. You’ll leave me eventually too.”

  Kimber glances over at me silently pleading. I know what she is saying with her eyes but I can’t bear going back by myself. I shake my head and look away.

  Kimber’s voice takes on an angry tone, “Momma, you know I won’t leave you. I’m here and there is no reason for you to even think that.”

  I hear her take a deep breath and as she says the next words I turn my head to stare at her surprised by her proclamation.

  “Momma, Jordan has to go back to Dallas, where he’s from. I need to go with him. It’s only for a few days and then we will be right back.”

  She stops to let it sink in before continuing.

  “A nurse will be coming in to help you and Mrs. Bruin will be stopping by to check on you.”

  As Kimber stares at her unblinking I watch her mom look away without uttering another word. Kimber glances over at me and smiles slightly at her fleeting victory. That’s my girl, small steps.

  Chapter Thirty Six

  Kimber

  My momma is so hateful and I’ve about had it with her. I finally stood up to her in the hospital room. Jordan’s presence seemed to give me a little more strength than I would normally have, or so I tell myself.

  We sit in her room all day, listening to the same complaints. I’ve given up on the arguing but she hasn’t said another word about us going to Dallas. I know she’s worried that I won’t come back. She’s been abandoned enough already as it is.

  When we pull into the drive in front of the house, a maroon sedan pulls in beside us. A middle-aged woman with long brown hair dressed in scrubs climbs from the car as we help Momma out. She glances over at the woman as she sits in the wheelchair the hospital insisted upon. Her eyes are worried when she meets my gaze so I place my hand on her shoulder and squeeze. I want to lean over and assure her it will all be alright but I’m not so sure anymore. I am slowly coming to realize that the more I try to control things, the faster they spiral out of my control. It’s impossible for me to manage everything. Maybe it’s time for me to let go and allow Jordan to help.

  I look up to Jordan as he handles the wheelchair with as little bumps as possible while maneuvering it through the dirt drive. The nurse follows us up onto the tiny porch and I unlock the door.

  I ask the nurse quietly, “Can you take my momma in the house? We’ll be right in.”

  The nurse grasps the handles and pushes her through the doorway. I hold Jordan back forcing him to look at me, “I realize now that there is no way I can control all of this. I trust you and yes, I do know you need to do this.”

  He leans in and whispers, tickling the skin along my ear with his breath, “Thank you Kimber.” And he gently kisses the pulse point on my neck. Damn, what this man does to me. If Momma wasn’t on the other side of this wall, I’d have jumped him already.

  A shrill voice rings through the air, “Kimber!”

  I sigh before turning to walk into the house. I hesitate looking back at Jordan, suddenly embarrassed by the place I call home. He hugs me from behind. Maybe a few days away will be good for me and Momma.

  “Coming Momma.”

  A few hours later after explicit instructions to the nurse about no alcohol, we climb back into the Infiniti with my bag in tow. I packed it seems, my entire wardrobe because I’m not sure what to expect. The part that scares the shit out of me is meeting his parents. I know nothing because he’s still so closed up about things. Jordan tells me before backing out, “I didn’t get to tell you before, thank you for going with me.”

  I grab his hand this time pushing away my worries and plant a kiss across his knuckles in response. He seems to let out a breath that he was holding and puts the car into reverse.

  We drive the hour and a half singing eighties tunes and playing name that tune. I am especially good at this era so I pretty much kick his ass. He’s not a sore loser though.

  As the car careens off of the highway onto a major four lane road Jordan turns down the music. His voice turns serious and he admits, “Kimber, I told you a little about my childhood. We all have demons, you know that and you will know all of mine very shortly. Please remember that you are my life now.”

  I nod unsure why it was necessary for him to tell me that but loving hearing it nonetheless. He is silent a few more minutes until he turns down a narrow tree lined drive. Finally, we stop at a gate. He looks over to my widened eyes before punching in a code, forcing the slatted doors to swing inward. My middle is suddenly turning over. A short distance further, we pull into a circular drive towered by a house bigger than any I have ever seen. I always thought Heidi lived in a mansion. I was terribly wrong. I grab Jordan’s hand as he turns the key in the ignition.

  “Jordan, you grew up here?”

  He nods uneasily.

  I complain, “Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t have anything appropriate to wear. They will hate me.”

  He smiles, cradling my cheek in his hand, “Kimber, they will love you. As for your clothes, anything you brought will be fine.”

  Doubt takes over my brain. How could I let him talk me into this? I am so out of my element. There is no way I have anything in common with these people.

  He gets out of the car and walks around opening my door. As he stands there staring down at me, it gives me a tiny bit of strength. I have Jordan in common with them. Is that enough though? He pulls me up and into his arms whispering, “It will all be fine. Remember you said that you trust me to take care of you.”

  I glance back up to the intimidating structure before us and notice movement. Jordan breaks our embrace at the sound of the door. He turns us to the porch and grabs my bag from me while holding my hand with a slight squeeze.

  “Hey Mom.”

  A woman dressed in a yellow dress steps down the steps carefully watching her step in two inch heels. Her hair is a dyed light blonde in a short cut. I brace myself and put on my best smile. She steps off the bottom stair and faces us.

  Jordan declares, “Mom, I want to introduce you to Kimber Maguire. Kimber this is my mom, Jane.”

  She eyes me suspiciously. A smile as fake as they come meets her lips and she offers her hand in a brief shake. Then she averts her glance to Jordan and seems to whine, “Jordan, you didn’t tell me you were bringing anyone. I only had Maria get your room ready. None of the other rooms are available right now.”

  He frowns and answers angrily, “Kimber will be fine in my room.”

  She hesitates, “Well honey, I don’t think that will send the right message.”

  I can tell he is getting more agitated but truthfully I don’t think he is quite as put out as I am. What the hell is this woman’s problem?

  She leans into the opposite side from where I am standing and whispers not very quietly, “Jordan, it’s David’s wedding. We are letting some of the guests stay here.”

  He frowns further, “Mother, who is staying here?”

  “The Fontaines are here. Jennifer has been…” She glances over at me with a downward glance before finishing, “she’s been asking about you.”

  Jordan glares at her, “Why would you do that?”

  She clasps her hands together uneasily but tells him firmly, “Well if you would have told me you were bringing um…”

  “Kimber.”

  “Oh yes, Kimber, if you could have just called me, I would have asked them to make other arrangemen
ts.”

  He squeezes my hand and pulls me toward the porch, uttering back to his mother standing behind us, “No, you wouldn’t have. Kimber will stay with me.”

  We enter the house and I am suddenly glued in place. The grand staircase and marble entry way take my breath away. A giant chandelier, bigger than my bed back home, hovers above us, glistening like a star suspended from the ceiling. Jordan pulls me toward the staircase and brings his arm around my shoulders. I follow him up, looking back over the railing the whole way up. I’m completely and utterly shocked that this incredible man that I love, comes from this.

  We walk down a long hallway finally coming to a door on the left. He opens it to a room three times the size as mine. A king sized bed is dwarfed by the sheer size of the room. It’s decorated sparsely in neutral colors. I suddenly feel like I’m in a plush hotel. This can’t be real. He drops our bags encircling me within his arms. His lips find my pulse point following my neck up to my jaw and finally devouring my lips. I’m reluctant at first because of where we are but his tongue quickly persuades me otherwise. Our lips move roughly forcing my tongue to dance with his. His hands move down my hips tracing my hip bones arousing other parts of me. My hands run along his neck and up into his soft hair.

  A hard knock and rough throat clearing interrupt us. I pull back with a completely red face embarrassed by what we were just doing in his parents’ house. Dammit Kimber, what were you thinking? Oh yeah, you weren’t. Jordan looks down amused by my embarrassment. He turns to the door after he runs his hand back over my cheek deepening my blush.

  “Hey Dad, how are you?”

  “Well, son, your mom wanted me to um, talk to you.”

  I turn around after I get myself together and grab Jordan’s hand. He interrupts before his dad can say anything else, “Dad, this is Kimber Maguire, my girlfriend.”

  He holds his hand out and I take it. He squeezes my hand in both of his looking from Jordan and back to me before telling me, “It’s very nice to meet you Kimber.”