Time to wake up.
My hands are shaking as I open the door and slide into the driver’s seat. I turn the key and the car purrs to life.
I’m doing it. I’m taking my mum’s car to the city to search for Lana.
The rapid pumping of my heart sends a rush of blood and exhilaration to my brain. I have to bite my lip to stop an exuberant ‘woohoo’ from escaping. Who knew being bad could feel so good?
The feeling lasts exactly ten seconds. Which is as long as it takes me to put the car into reverse and my phone to buzz loudly from where I tossed it onto the empty passenger seat.
Sebastian.
I’ve found Lana
That moment of distraction is enough. My head turns. My hand follows, forgetting it’s attached to the steering wheel. The car swerves off the driveway with a screech of gravel. My foot slams on the brake. Like a cat held over a bath the steering wheel leaps in my hands as the back tires go up and over the rock garden.
There’s a crack like a gunshot.
The car stops.
The only sound is my gasp for breath, and I can barely hear it over the thudding of my heart. Sweat escapes every pore, freezing my skin as it hits the cold air.
The lime tree.
Mum’s lime tree.
Holy crap. What the hell have I done?
My head drops, hitting the steering wheel. I drag in an unwilling breath, tasting the panic on my tongue.
Move, Kath.
As usual I can’t obey my brain’s reasonable instruction. If I could move I might salvage this somehow. I lift my head – I don’t know how – but I’m too late. The light goes on in the hallway above the stairs and a beat later Mum is flying from the front door, her burgundy dressing gown flapping behind her like a cape.
‘Kath,’ she cries. Her mouth and eyes are wide with panic, her skin ashen in the moonlight.
Right now she’s Supermum, avenger of whatever has put her daughter at harm. A creature of majesty, awe and fury. I brace myself, because once she understands I’m physically fine and that I made this huge mess myself, the disappointment will set in.
Disappointment I deserve.
My hand is heavy as I push open the driver’s door and climb to my feet on leaden legs. I wait for Mum to come to me. Staying upright is taking all I have at the moment.
‘I’m sorry.’ I say the words before she’s close enough to hear. ‘I’m sorry.’ I repeat them for good measure.
But she’s done that Mum thing where she’s taken in my safety at a glance and she’s already looking past me. At the tree.
It’s snapped at bumper height, the jagged shards of its spindly trunk lifted in a twisted imitation of a middle finger pointing defiantly up at the cloudless sky. I want to laugh but it’s all I can do not to cry.
Mum stumbles to it and falls on her knees in the mud.
I don’t move. From here the branches on the ground are the dead body to my crime. ‘It’s not like it grows anything.’
Stupid. My words catch on a breeze and I think for a second she hasn’t heard them. She doesn’t turn and her voice is so quiet I have to strain to hear it.
‘Go to bed.’
‘I can explain.’
She raises a hand and cuts off anything else I might say. Her lotion-stained fingers are old and wrinkled. ‘I’ve heard that before.’
The explanation of Lana in trouble and Sebastian and everything dies on my lips as her shoulders begin to shake.
If I was braver I would ignore her order. I’d go to my mother and try to give her comfort over the stupid tree that should never have meant so much.
But I’ve done enough damage today.
I leave the car door open and the keys in the ignition, turn on my heel, and do exactly as I’m told.
* * *
Breakfast is an uncomfortable meal of long sighs from Mum. As I stare at my bowl and choke my oats down as fast as I can, I’m hoping food will help with the queasiness I’ve been battling since Sebastian told me about his daughter, which has only been made worse by my night-time exploits.
Just thinking about it has the same effect on my belly as a triple loop of a rollercoaster. Mum leaves to shower and I dump the last of my porridge down the sink.
I tried to apologise and explain twice but Mum just gave me a sad look and walked away each time. The sadness is worse than anger.
For a change I don’t guess and second-guess my outfit. I can’t summon the energy to think through what effect anything I wear will have on the people I see. I pull on the first thing that comes to hand. Old faded jeans, comfy boots and a jacket I got at a tourist shop on our one international holiday to Canada.
I pick up Sebastian’s hoodie to return it but leave it on the end of my bed. I can’t part with it today. And I’ve had it for so long. Maybe he’s forgotten.
I’m at the top of the stairs with freedom in sight when Mum calls my name.
I turn back. Hopeful. Is she ready to listen at last?
She’s dressed for the salon in black pants and a cream shirt, but her usual smile is missing. ‘Don’t forget that you’re grounded.’
The hope evaporates. ‘I know.’ I fight not to roll my eyes.
‘No lingering after school.’
As if there’s anyone I know who wants to see me after school at the moment anyway. ‘Trust me, that won’t be a problem.’ I can’t keep the bitterness from my tone.
She shakes her head. ‘It seems I can’t trust you. So I’ll keep reminding you for as long as it takes.’
The noose of guilt tightens around my neck but I shrug. ‘Whatever.’ I throw the word behind me and jog down the stairs.
It’s something I know will infuriate her but the double standards of the whole situation are doing my head in. I broke a rule she never actually stated and now I’m the world’s worst teenager? I bet she’ll love complaining about her ungrateful child all day in the salon.
I know I damaged her stupid tree. But if she’d just listen to me for one second she’d know I was trying to do the right thing.
I welcome the sting of a cool breeze when I step outside. The clouds are heavy overhead and I glare at them, daring them to add being rained on to my already less than stellar day.
The first drops dribble down my neck as I reach the corner. Our corner, as I had started to think of it before our fight. Before I knew about Poppy.
Before everything went to hell.
There’s a familiar lanky figure under the tree. I blink and rub my eyes but he’s still there.
‘No textbook?’ I say as I slow my approach. My heart is hammering against my ribs so loud it’s impossible that he doesn’t hear it.
‘Not today.’ He shuffles from foot to foot. The silence stretches. When his gaze meets mine it’s shuttered. ‘Thanks for last night.’
Since he’s not talking about me freaking over his secret, I can only figure he’s referring to Lana. More guilt spreads over my shoulders like the heavy black cape I wore to the party. If it wasn’t for me she would never have been missing.
He takes a step toward school and then another. The sync we managed to find when we walked together before is missing and every few steps I have to half jog to keep up.
‘You found her okay?’ I ask the question like I haven’t read and reread his text a bajillion times trying to find emotion in the three short words.
‘Yeah.’
‘Where was she?’ Talking to Sebastian used to be an exercise in skin-tingling opportunities to touch. Today another person could easily walk between us and his hands are shoved in his pockets as though to make sure they don’t accidentally brush one of mine.
‘Outside the club. Despite the dive that it was, she couldn’t get in without ID and the jerk wasn’t answering her texts.’
‘But she was okay?’
He shrugs. ‘She had a cut on her head but she wouldn’t talk about it.’
My mind goes into imagination overdrive. How did she get there at that time of night? Di
d someone hurt her? No wonder Sebastian’s pissed. I say nothing because an apology will only make him suspicious.
We’re almost at the gates. He meets my gaze for the first time in a block. ‘When I find this Aaron he’ll be sorry.’
My stupid female hormones spring to life at the pure protectiveness in his tone but guilt swamps them. The person he’s seeking vengeance on is me.
‘You think you’ll find him then?’ Please let that sound more casual than it does in my head.
His nod is definite. ‘Soon.’
I should tell him Aaron’s fake. It’s the right thing to do, but he’s already disappointed in me. If I tell him how I put his sister at risk he’ll hate me.
Sebastian hating me is more pain than I can handle.
At the gates we separate without a word. He glances back once and I see in his eyes that not only is he not the person I thought he was, but I’m less than he hoped. My head bows and I hurry to my locker.
Chay is waiting for me there but I’m so busy staring at the ground I don’t see her until I’m an arm’s reach away. She’s dressed nicely again. Jeans that leave a little of her shape to the imagination, a positively decorous top and a tasteful scarf. Her subtly made-up lips are grinning and she’s wriggling on the spot. ‘Joel dumped Lana.’ Her hands clap. ‘He heard she went out to meet another guy and he’s had enough.’
‘And that makes you happy?’
She doesn’t seem to notice my tone. ‘Of course. She’s already texted Aaron saying she’s single and wants to hook up.’
‘I guess she’s not heartbroken then.’ I sigh and unpack my books. They’re almost too heavy to carry today. Must be the weight of the guilt I’m dragging around.
Chay leans against my locker. ‘Not yet.’
‘You have a plan?’ I don’t have the energy to point out I’ve long since stopped being a part of whatever it is she’s trying to achieve.
Her grin widens. ‘I think it’s time for Aaron to tell her where to go.’
‘Haven’t you done enough?’
‘Me?’
‘You. The one who’s texting a kid at all hours and leading her on so she heads to the city on her own in the middle of the night.’
‘Nothing bad happened.’
‘Lucky for you.’
She scowls. ‘And I was going to let you be the one to send the text.’
I glance down at the phone she’s waving. It’s impossible not to be curious about what she’s written but it doesn’t mean I have to act on it. ‘I don’t want any part of this.’
Chay stares at me.
I take a deep breath. ‘And I’m going to tell Sebastian the truth.’
‘Why?’
‘Because he’s going to find out anyway. If it comes from me … he might hate me less.’
‘And the whole world has to revolve around you?’ She shakes her head. ‘I’m asking you not to tell him. It will ruin everything.’
‘But …’
She leans close. ‘If you tell him I will never forgive you.’
I don’t watch her leave. Nine years of friendship and she’s forcing me to choose.
CHAPTER
19
The rest of the day passes in a blur of indecision. That night I eat alone with Mum working late in the salon as background noise. By the next morning I can’t face another person. I survive the first period with my head pounding and then make for the girls’ bathroom in search of solitude.
The hallway filled with shouting students and hyperactive boys wrestling has never looked so long.
‘Hey Kath.’
I don’t see who speaks but I attempt a smile and wave of my hand in return. As I make my way toward safety others say hello. I don’t stop. I hate to be rude but I can’t do small talk today.
There are a few whispers too, but I can’t summon the energy to worry. Not when I’ve screwed up with people I actually care about. Once school is done I will never see most of these people again, and I’m sure they’ll forget about me and my problems just as fast.
I might as well be an outcast. Without Sebastian and Chay I’m alone.
At last the door closes behind me and the noise from outside is muffled. I can try to think again. I lock the cubicle and sit on the seat with my head in my hands. All morning my belly has churned with the anguish of this decision.
If I tell Sebastian, maybe he’ll hate me a little bit less, but then I’ll lose Chay. Every time I imagine getting through to the end of the school year without my best friend, my throat blocks and tears threaten.
Don’t cry.
The unmistakable sound of a sniffle comes from the next cubicle.
Crap. Whoever it is probably thought they were alone. I hold my breath but there’s only silence. The distraction helps keep the tears at bay.
I could leave now and pretend I didn’t hear. I have enough problems without trying to solve someone else’s. They probably don’t want to talk about it anyway, or they wouldn’t be hiding in here.
Like me.
I exit the cubicle and wash my hands. If they don’t cry again while I’m here I can put the sound down to my overactive imagination. The paper towel is mid-arc from my throw to the bin when I hear it. A sniff-choked sob.
‘Are you okay?’
There’s a long silence.
Fine, I don’t really want to talk to you either.
Then, ‘Go away.’
I squeeze my eyes shut. I know that voice. And guilt won’t let me flee. ‘Lana, what’s wrong?’
There’s another long stretch of silence and my urge to help fades fast. She doesn’t like me and I don’t like her. I’m the last person she wants help from.
‘It’s Aaron …’ Her voice becomes a sniffle.
I move to the closed cubicle door. Thank goodness no one else has come in or they’d see me talking to the peeling paint. Aaron’s made her cry. It’s not hard to guess what’s happened, having spoken to Chay.
‘Did he dump you?’
I take a deep breath full of antiseptic and the terrible forest-yuck air freshener they use in these bathrooms.
The door swings open.
Inside, Lana is hunched on the seat in short denim shorts, black tights and a black fitted top. Her big green eyes look up at me and I have to say she has the sad panda thing down perfectly. Her dark hair frames her face in artful strands, falling over the scratch on her head Sebastian mentioned. The black eyeliner has run from her tears but only in one elegant spot and her red nose and puffy eyes actually look cute.
‘Yeah,’ she says from pale lips.
If I didn’t know her better I’d feel sorry for her. As it is I’m battling not to. She’s how I should have looked after losing Sebastian. Instead, I managed to look more like a bedraggled gremlin.
‘Are you okay?’ I try to keep my tone brisk.
‘Like you care.’ Her lip curls. ‘I bet you’re loving this.’
‘No.’ And it’s true. I don’t like to see anyone so sad. Imagining Lana getting her just desserts didn’t include having to witness real tears.
Seeing her cry doesn’t ease my pain. I’m sick inside. I didn’t love Joel. I hardly knew him. And I brought some of the embarrassment on myself. This girl didn’t take Joel from me. I didn’t really want him to begin with. I don’t know his favourite colour. I can’t picture the cute expression he gets when he’s puzzled and I couldn’t guess what he wants to do when he leaves school.
The only boy I know that kind of thing about is Sebastian, and I’ve managed to screw up our fledgling relationship all on my own.
Lana’s head is buried in her hands and she’s too caught up in her misery to care who’s watching.
I stand there, torn between leaving her in privacy and not wanting to leave her alone when she’s hurting. This is the girl I’ve talked to late at night as Aaron. We actually have things in common. If she didn’t hate me we could have maybe …
No. It’s stupid. This is Lana, she’ll turn on me at any moment.
Walk away.
She must sense my conflict. Her head comes up and her eyes flash with anger. ‘Everything is so easy for you.’
‘Me?’ How could this beautiful, confident creature possibly think …?
‘We have to move to this stupid town and my parents are obsessed with Sebastian and Poppy and the drama.’ Her eyes roll back in her head. ‘I am so sick of the drama. I begged Mum to let me go back to the city but she said we needed to make this town our home. Ha. Two years tops and I’ll be so far out of here your pathetic town with its lame people will be nothing but a bad memory.’
The accusations fly from her mouth like it’s somehow my fault. I raise my hands and try to say something but she’s in full flight, talking at me, not to me.
‘Then I look for five minutes of peace and pampering to get my hair done and this woman spends the whole time raving about her perfect daughter.’
My stomach drops.
Now her eyes are on me and they’re narrow and mean and not at all beautiful. ‘About time you had someone mess a little with your perfect life.’
‘My life isn’t perfect.’
‘For about five seconds maybe, and then you’ll go home and Mummy will make everything better.’
I open my mouth to deny her words but close it again. My life is so far from perfect it’s a joke, but she’ll believe what she wants to. At least now I know why she hates me so much. It’s twisted but it makes a strange sense.
‘I hope you feel better,’ I mumble and back away.
I wash my hands as fast as I can, aware of Lana glowering at me the whole time. Out in the hallway a sea of students are going about their day. With Lana’s accusation in my head, I wonder how much of what they show the world is real and what problems they have happening that I can’t see.
Chay is at the fountain. She looks up, sees me and looks away before I can speak. Not that I have a clue what I’ll say.
Maybe that I know she sent the text. Maybe that I have to tell Sebastian because it’s the right thing to do. Maybe that I hope she didn’t mean it about never forgiving me.
There’s a disruption in the flow of students. Joel and one of his teammates are tossing a soccer ball between them as they walk down the hall, sending laughing classmates diving for cover. As they pass me the midfielder’s throw misses my head by less than an inch. I catch the ball using reflexes I didn’t know I had.
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