Scattered, Smothered and Chunked - Bubba the Monster Hunter Season 1
Page 34
"That way!" I pointed down the hallway toward the scream, and ran after it.
"Like I said," Sabrina said, running along behind me and Greg, "remarkable."
We turned a corner and saw a horrified set of parents beating on the glass windows of the nursery, screaming for help. "Get out of the way!" I yelled, turning to face the window. I looked into the nursery and froze at what I saw. There was indeed a demon in the nursery, looking more like a gigantic armadillo than a chihuahua, but it wasn't the time to nitpick. The thing was blue-green, scaly and had a long tail with three spikes on the end of it. It was pretty close to the picture on the computer, except that it was capable of standing on its hind legs and slashing with all four of its front legs, which it was doing right now at a pretty blonde nurse who was holding a baby wrapped in a blanket. Baby and nurse were both screaming their heads off, and the demon was howling right along with them. Add to that a pair of parents and some other random relatives in the hallway, and it was downright noisy.
"There was no spiky tail in the picture, Greg!" I yelled at my partner. "Where did the spiky tail come from?"
"I don't think that was a Polaroid, Jimmy!" My partner yelled back at me. "And stop yelling, I'm standing right here."
"Oh, yeah. Sorry." I dropped to a more normal tone. "Now what?"
"I think 'go in and kill the demon and save the baby' was the general plan. Wasn't it?" Greg replied.
"Yeah, but it looks so much meaner in person." I said, thinking about all those teeth.
"Scared?" Sabrina teased. "It doesn't look like it has silver teeth, Jimmy. I think you'll be okay."
"Just because I don't die from it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." I said.
"Pain heals, chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever." Greg said.
"You're quoting The Replacements? Now?" I stared at him, the demon forgotten for a second in my shock.
"Shut up, you love that movie too. Now come on!" With that, he pulled back a fist and threw a punch at the window that I barely caught in time.
"Hey, you're supposed to be the smart one, remember?" I said, forcing his hand back to his side.
"What? We've gotta get in there!" He pointed at the demon.
"Yeah, but let's not shower the newborns with broken glass. Door's around the corner." I said, sprinting to the door marked "Nursery." I flung the door open just in time to see the demon leap from a bassinet at the nurse, who dropped straight down and crawled away from the monster, shielding the infant with her body. The thing hit a wall and rebounded in a flash of slimy motion, flinging itself at the nurse's back. I pulled my Glock and put three rounds in the demon's back, knocking it off course. It landed in another empty bassinet and turned to face me, showing off all four rows of its nasty pointed little teeth.
"That puny mortal weapon cannot harm The Kunz, fool!" Great, a talking chihuahua-demon. I don't even like non-demon chihuahuas.
"Sabrina, get the babies and nurse out of here, Greg and I will deal with this thing!" I yelled, stepping aside to let the others into the room. She nodded agreement and grabbed two babies in nearby cribs and headed back out into the hall. The demon jumped up and scurried along the ceiling faster than any human could track, trying to cut her off at the door. Fortunately for everyone, it had been a long time since Greg or I were human, and we put three more bullets in the thing and knocked it to the floor.
"This isn't working, bro." Greg said under his breath.
"I noticed." I said.
"Got a Plan B?"
"Always. Help Sabrina get the innocents out of here." I said, stepping further into the room, keeping my eyes peeled for the monster.
"What are you gonna do?" Greg asked, grabbing a baby and passing it off to Sabrina.
"I thought I'd cut it to ribbons with my fairytale sword. You know, go all snicker-snack on its ass." I drew the fairy queen's sword with a hiss and was pleased to see that it glowed with a blue aura. Even if it didn't do any good against the monster, at least I'd look cool getting my butt kicked.
I took another step into the room and heard a whisper of air to my left as the demon broke cover and ran at Greg's exposed back. He whirled around just in time to see me bring the sword down on the creature's tail, cutting off the last foot cleanly. The demon stopped so quickly its butt skidded on the tile, and it spun around to glare at me, then look at its tail twitching on the floor and spewing purple-grey blood all over the place.
"Missing something?" I asked, keeping the blade low and focusing all my attention on the quick little monster. It growled at me, all attempt at conversation forgotten, then sprang out of a crouch, flinging all six claws wide as it flew straight for me. I dropped flat to my back and the demon shot over me, giving me a wicked grin as it went past. It landed perfectly with a clatter of claws, then I heard a shriek from the other side of the room as it locked a set of claws into the left leg of the nurse who had been trying to get past me out the door.
"Crap." I muttered, and ran for the thing. It scurried up the nurse's body and I yelled to her "Throw me the baby!" She did, and I caught the kid on the fly. I dropped it in a nearby crib and closed on the Kunz demon. Without the baby in her hands, the nurse was no longer of any interest to the creature, so it jumped away from her and back to the center of the room. I looked around and saw that Greg and Sabrina had cleared the rest of the babies out of the nursery, so there was only the one child left in danger. The demon realized at the same time that it only had one potential meal left, and we sprang for the crib at the same time. I was a hair faster than the monster, so I grabbed up the newborn and tossed it to Greg just before the demon landed in the bassinet. It sprang at my partner, but I reached out and grabbed the remaining stump of tail and swung it crashing into the window, cracking the glass and sending family members scurrying for safety. Greg got the baby and nurse out the door, and wedged it shut with a chair. He drew a pair of long knives from his belt and started moving slowly towards where the demon lay on the floor bleeding.
"Hungry...." The thing hissed from where it lay on the floor.
"Well, sorry, pal. Nobody left here that can be a meal for you." The thing stared up at me, spitting, then sprang straight up and over my head. Faster than I thought it could move, it sprinted across the ceiling at Sabrina, who drew her sidearm and got off five or six quick shots before the demon dropped straight down on her. She curled up in a ball as it ripped into her with all six claws.
I let out a roar that shook the walls and jumped halfway across the room, landing beside Sabrina and bringing my sword crashing down on the demon. I sliced it in half all the way down to its rear legs, then drew back and made a huge, sweeping sideways slash that sent its head flying to splat against the far wall. I knelt down beside Sabrina, terrified of what I was going to see. But what I saw was silver shining up at me through huge rents in her jacket and shirt.
"You wore the chain mail." I said, sitting back on my heels in relief.
"Yeah, it seemed like a good idea at the time." She said, wiping demon blood off of her face and smiling up at me.
"It wanted to drink your blood." I said.
"I think there might be a line forming for that." She said as she holstered her pistol.
"Because you're still a virgin." I said, a tone of wonder in my voice. I'd heard of those mythical creatures reaching adulthood, but outside of movies I'd never seen one.
"Never found the right guy." She said, blushing.
"Yeah, we're going to have to do something about that." I said. Her head snapped up and I realized that I'd once against lost the volume knob for my internal monologue. "I mean, there are all sorts of things that feed on virgins, so it's not as safe as it once was." I stammered a minute longer before I settled on "Forget I said anything. Let's get out of here."
"Good idea," Greg said from the door. "I don't think you're the only cop on the scene anymore, Sabrina."
"Crap," she said, standing and trying to straighten her gore-splattered clothes. "No idea how I'm going to explain t
his one."
"Leave that to me," I said, heading out to the hall to use my vamp mojo on the cops and make all the witnesses think that an Alzheimer's patient had gotten loose and gone wandering again. No harm done, no foul. Greg went down to the morgue to tell Bobby the coast was clear, and we left the mess in the nursery to some very confused janitors.
A couple of hours later, showered and dressed in sweats, cell phones all turned off and stashed in the crisper with the blood bags, we settled back in to start our movie. Sabrina, looking far hotter than anyone in borrowed sweats and a Captain America t-shirt had any right to, picked up the DVD box and said "I don't know if I'm in the mood to watch this movie anymore." She held up the Alien box set, and we all broke up laughing.
For information on appearances, signings, autographed copies, etc. please visit
http://www.johnhartness.com
@johnhartness on Twitter
Copyright 2012 by John G. Hartness
Family Tradition by John G. Hartness is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
About the Author
John G. Hartness is a recovering theatre geek who likes loud music, fried pickles and cold beer. John is an award-winning poet, lighting designer and theatre producer, whose work has been translated into over 25 languages and read worldwide. He's been published in several online literary journals including The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, cc&d, Deuce Coupe and Truckin'. His poem "Dancing with Fireflies" was nominated for a 2010 Pushcart Prize.
His first novel, The Chosen, is an urban fantasy about saving the world, snotty archangels, gambling, tattooed street preachers, immortals with family issues, bar brawls and the consequences of our decisions.
He followed up The Chosen with Hard Day's Knight, a new twist on the vampire detective novel and the first book in the highly successful series The Black Knight Chronicles. The second book of The Black Knight Chronicles, Back in Black, landed in March 2011 and has enjoyed immediate success. Knight Moves, the third Black Knight book, was released in August 2011.
John has been called "the Kevin Smith of Charlotte," and fans of Joss Whedon and Jim Butcher should enjoy his snarky slant on the fantasy genre.
He can be found online at www.johnhartness.com and spends too much time on Twitter, especially after a few drinks.
For more information about appearances, signings, and other silliness, feel free to follow John on Twitter (@johnhartness), or on his website www.johnhartness.com.
Also by John G. Hartness
Bubba the Monster Hunter Short Stories
Voodoo Children
Ballet of Blood
Ho-Ho-Homicide
Tassels of Terror
Monsters Beware - Bubba the Monster Hunter Vol. 1
Cat Scratch Fever
Love Stinks
Hall & Goats
Footloose
Monsters Mashed - Bubba the Monster Hunter Vol. 2
Sixteen Tons
Family Tradition
Final Countdown
The Black Knight Chronicles
The Black Knight Chronicles Omnibus - Vol. 1-3
Volume 1 - Hard Day's Knight
Volume 2 - Back in Black
Volume 3 - Knight Moves
Movie Knight - A Black Knight Short Story
Black Magic Woman - A Black Knight Short Story
Gone Daddy Gone - A Black Knight Short Story
Knight UnLife - Collected Black Knight Shorts
Other Work
Headshot
Balance - Tales of Alternate Reality
Genesis - Return to Eden Book 1
The Chosen
Returning the Favor and other slices of life
Red Dirt Boy
The Christmas Lights