by Ashlee Price
Damn it. I should have controlled myself better around her. I know better. I'm not some horny teenager or some beast in rut.
Still, did she have to react that way?
You're disgusting.
Is that really what Jess thinks of me? Why now all of a sudden? What did I do?
I pick myself up and sit on the couch. I lean forward on my elbows and clasp my hands beneath my chin. My eyebrows crease as I rummage through my thoughts.
What's done is done. Things are what they are.
For some reason, I've offended Jess and made her resent me. I don't know how or why, but that's how it is.
So what am I supposed to do?
~
"Jess."
I get off the couch as soon as she comes in through the door in her uniform.
"We need to talk."
Jess frowns. She turns her back to me as she takes off her shoes.
"What do you want?"
"I've been thinking that this isn't working, after all."
She turns around. Her eyebrows crease above narrowed eyes.
"What are you saying?"
I touch my neck. "I'm saying we shouldn't be living together. I'm a man. You're a woman, and an amazing one at that. I should have kept my self-control around you, but I couldn't, and now, I can't. Each time I see you, I want to touch you. I..."
"So you're moving out?" she interrupts me.
I sigh. "I've violated your conditions and there's no guarantee I won't violate them again. This is the only way to keep you safe from me."
Her gaze lowers. Her quivering lips purse as her shoulders tremble.
My eyebrows arch.
Wait. Is Jess mad? I thought she'd be relieved.
"You really are a stupid, insensitive jerk, aren't you?"
What?
Didn't she say I was disgusting? Doesn't she want me to leave?
Suddenly, her phone rings. She fishes it out of her purse and presses it against her ear.
"Hello."
I frown. Weren't we in the middle of an important conversation?
"What?" Her eyes grow wide. Then she nods. "Okay. I'll let you know if I hear from him."
She tosses the phone back into her purse.
"Who's that?" I ask her.
"Kay," Jess answers. "She said Marianne called her to say Josh didn't come home last night and now she can't contact him. She's sick with worry."
Josh? I try to remember who that is.
"Your guitarist, right?"
She touches her chin as her expression turns into one of worry. "I wonder where he could be."
Strange. Just a minute ago, she was angry. Now she's completely forgotten about it.
Well, I haven't.
I step forward. "Jess..."
Just then, the doorbell rings.
Now what?
"Just a sec," Jess shouts as she goes to the door.
She looks through the peephole and her jaw drops.
"Who is it?" I ask her again.
"It's Josh." She clasps a hand over her mouth. "My God, he's here."
"Well, then just let him..."
She clasps her hand over my mouth. "Shh. He doesn't know you're my roommate. He hasn't met you."
"Good thing you're here to introduce us, then."
Jess shoves me into my room. "Stay there and don't come out until I tell you to. And don't make a sound."
Okay.
I frown as she slams the bedroom door in my face. What on earth is going on?
Chapter 11
Jess
"Josh." I open the door for him. "This is a surprise."
"Jess."
He scratches the back of his head and forces a smile. I can tell from the rings under his eyes that he hasn't slept. His cheeks look a little pale as well.
"I'm sorry for dropping by. Are you busy?"
"No," I tell him. "I've just come home from work. Please come in."
Josh steps inside and I close the door behind him.
"Can I get you anything? Coffee? Food? I think there's still some leftover steak from the other night."
"I'm not hungry," Josh says.
"Okay." I gesture towards the couch. "What can I do for you, then?"
He doesn't answer. His forehead creases as he struggles for the words to say.
I sit on the couch and casually hide Steff's sweater behind a pillow. Then I pat the space next to me.
"You know, if there's something on your mind, I'll hear you out. You can say whatever you want and I'll just listen. I'm your friend, after all."
Yes, I might not be allowed to have a crush on Josh, but he's still my friend. The fact that he's here proves it.
Wait. He's here and not anywhere else. He's with me.
Doesn't that mean...?
My heart stops.
Truly, hope dies hard.
Josh sits on the couch beside me.
My heartbeat speeds up.
Josh scratches his head. "I don't quite know where to start."
I shrug. "Just say whatever you want to say first. Or the easiest thing to say."
"I'm not sure any of it is easy to say, but well, I guess the main thing is that..." He takes a deep breath. "I'm scared."
I blink. Scared?
"I'm not ready to be a father."
Of course he isn't.
"Well, I don't think anyone is," I tell him. "It's a huge responsibility, after all."
"You can say that again." Josh sighs. "I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to be a father."
I look at him. "What?"
"I don't mind kids, but I don't particularly like them, either. And it's not just that. To be a father, you have to give up everything for your family. You have to set a good example for your kids. You have to do the right thing all the time."
"Well, maybe not that last part," I say. "Fathers are still human, you know."
"But you have to always try to do the right thing, right? Isn't that exhausting?"
I place my hand over his. "I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. You don't have to change into a completely different person. You just have to find the strength, wisdom and love that you already have within you. And as for always trying to do the right thing, don't you do that anyway? I'm sure you that if you love your child and are always there for him or her, then everything else will fall into place."
Josh looks at me. "Wow. You make it sound so easy."
"It's not easy. Like I said, no one's ever ready to be a father. But at the same time, any man has the potential to be a great father."
He pulls his hand from under mine and clasps it with his other hand.
"But I still have to give up everything else, don't I?"
"Not everything."
"Yeah. Just all the fun stuff."
I sigh. Who knew Josh was childish, too? Just like me.
"Look, Josh," I tell him. "I think you're looking at all this too one-sidedly. Sure, you're giving up stuff, but look at what you're getting in return. You'll have a child who will look up to you and fill your life with love and laughter."
"And who I'll have to yell at for the next eighteen years," he says sourly.
I pout. Was he always this negative?
"You'll have someone to teach how to play the guitar, someone to play the guitar with," I point out.
Josh's brown eyes grow wide. "I never thought about that."
"You're giving up some fun stuff, yes, but you're not giving up fun, Josh. You're getting a whole new world of fun, something that only you can enjoy."
He stays silent.
"The fact that you're scared right now means you don't just want to be a father," I add. "You want to be a good father. And you know what?"
I pat Josh on the back.
"I think you're going to make a great father."
He turns his head to look at me. Slowly, his lips curve into a smile.
"Wow. You're really good at this."
There it goes again. That smile that
makes me melt from the inside out.
I sit back. "Maybe I should have become a guidance counselor or a motivational speaker. Or a therapist."
Josh chuckles.
I smile at him. "Now you sound better."
"Thanks to you. Now I won't have to run away."
I sit up. "What?"
"I was actually considering it because of all this pressure and this fear and confusion I'm feeling. But then I thought about the band and how I don't want to leave you guys hanging."
I let out a breath of relief. Saved by the band.
"Still, I needed someone to talk to." He puts his hand over mine. "I'm glad I came to you. Thank you."
The warmth from his hand flows up to my chest. My heart nearly melts.
I nod. "I'm just surprised you still remember where I live."
"How could I forget?"
My breath catches.
Right. The last time he was here, we kissed. Right in the middle of this living room.
I pull my hand away and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "Well, you were drunk, so..."
"So were you," Josh says. "But I wasn't drunk enough to forget how amazing that kiss was."
My eyebrows arch. He thought that kiss was amazing?
He rubs his neck. "Actually, I've been wanting to do it again."
I blink. What?
Didn't Marianne say Josh would never be attracted to me?
"Hey." His brown eyes bore into mine. "Do you think we can do it again? Just one more time."
Huh?
Suddenly, he leans towards me and touches my cheek. Then he closes his eyes. It's something I've dreamed of a hundred times, yet right now, for some reason, I can't bring myself to be overjoyed.
What is going on with me?
Suddenly, the door to Steff's bedroom opens. Josh opens his eyes just in time to see Steff pull him away from the couch. Then he pulls me away, too, and clasps me to his side. His arm goes around my shoulder.
"I think that's far enough," Steff tells Josh sternly.
I look up at him. The icy glare in his blue eyes takes my breath away.
I swallow.
I've never seen him like this before.
"Jess, who's this?" Josh asks me.
"Hey." Steff speaks before I can. "I'm the one talking to you."
Josh frowns. "Yeah, so who are you?"
"It's really none of your concern, is it? From what I've heard, you have enough worries, not least of which is growing a pair."
Josh's jaw clenches. "Why, you-"
"Josh," I interrupt. "Please just leave."
For a moment, he doesn't move. His clenched fists tremble at his side.
Then finally, he walks out. The door slams shut behind him.
I let out a sigh of relief as I touch my forehead.
Steff scoffs.
I free myself from his arm and stand in front of him with my hands on my hips.
"You didn't have to say that to Josh," I scold Steff. "He's in enough pain already."
"Apparently not enough to keep him from trying to kiss you," he replies.
I look away.
"Or was that what you wanted? For him to kiss you?" Steff asks. "He kissed you before, didn't he? Was he your first kiss?"
I cross my arms over my chest. "So?"
"And he did it while he had a girlfriend?"
"It wasn't entirely his fault," I defend Josh without thinking. "I wanted him to kiss me. I tempted him."
Steff grits his teeth. His hands fall on my shoulders.
"He's been using you, Jess. He's been playing with your feelings. Don't you see that?"
"So? Aren't you doing the same thing?" I meet his gaze squarely.
He growls low in his throat. "Don't you even lump me with that guy."
"He kissed me when we were both drunk. You had sex with me when I was drunk," I remind him.
"Because you asked."
"I asked him, too. And afterwards you acted as if nothing happened."
"So did he!" Steff places his hand on his forehead as he sighs in frustration.
"It's a lot easier to write off a kiss than taking someone's virginity!" I tell him. "If what happened between us really meant something to you, you wouldn't have been able to forget it so easily."
"Oh, is that what's been bothering you?"
Steff steps forward and grips my chin.
"You know, you gave some good advice earlier. Well, let me give you a piece-you really should start being true to your own feelings."
His mouth seals mine. His kiss robs me of breath.
Then he pulls away and looks into my eyes as he strokes my cheek.
"Do you want me, Jess?" Steff whispers softly.
I don't answer. I can't. I can barely breathe or think.
Even so, I can't look away.
"Do you want me to make you forget him?"
I pause.
Him?
Right.
Josh.
All this time, I've been wanting him, wanting him to smile at me, to kiss me, to hold me in his arms. And like a fool, I hoped he would. Like a fool, I clung to him.
No, not to him. To the image I painted of him, to what I hoped he would be.
That Josh that was here a while ago, that's the real Josh. That's the man I've been pining for.
And the thing is, I think a part of me has always known it.
I'm such a fool for loving someone I always knew would never love me back.
I don't want to be a fool anymore.
I look straight into the icy blue eyes in front of me.
"Yes," I tell Steff with tears brimming in mine. "Please."
His eyes widen slightly and then narrow as he places his hand on my other cheek. The warmth from his gaze and his palm seeps into my skin and somewhere deeper inside.
I close my eyes and brace for the feel of his lips on mine. My heart hammers in my chest.
Steff's lips do touch my skin, but not my lips. They press against one of my eyelids, then the other.
I open my eyes.
"Why must you always be in tears when you're asking me to kiss you?" he asks with a faint smile.
He kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear.
"Just so you know, this time I'm not doing it only because you asked."
The words make my eyes grow wide. My lips part slightly.
Steff captures them with his.
My eyes close. I can't breathe.
The kiss is so forceful it pushes me back. I cling to Steff's shoulders to keep myself from falling.
His arm goes around me, pulling me even closer to him as he slips his tongue in. When it comes in contact with mine, a shiver goes down my spine. Heat bursts in my chest.
As Steff's tongue stirs inside my mouth, the heat stirs inside my body. It moves lower and lower, melting my insides to goo as it goes. Some of it leaks out between my legs.
All this from just a kiss?
I feel weak. I feel like I'm on the brink of disappearing.
But I don't want to do it alone.
My hands move to his hair to caress the silky strands as I push his tongue back. My breasts tingle as they press against his chest. A moan vibrates in my throat.
Steff's hand slides down to my lower back. His leg slips between mine. His knee brushes my thigh, dangerously close to the hottest part of me. The puddle in my panties grows into a small pond.
Finally, he lets go of my mouth. I gasp for air but barely manage to catch my breath before it leaves me again as Steff's lips latch on to my neck.
I let out a moan as my arms fall to my sides. They have no strength left, nor do my legs, which are threatening to give way beneath me.
As I shift them, my thigh brushes against something hard. Steff grunts. My heart stops again.
He's hard. And like before, the knowledge of it sends my mind into a spin. A fresh explosion of heat erupts in my belly.
I know what I said before, but the truth is I've never found this reaction of his disgust
ing. A bit scary, yes, but not unpleasant. In fact, I feel excitement buzzing in my veins.
Steff wants me.
He wants me like a man wants a woman, like no one has ever wanted me before.
And it feels like nothing I've ever felt.
His tongue swipes my neck and I let out a moan. My knees buckle.
Suddenly, Steff stops.
I look at his face to see that he's just as breathless as I am. His lips are moist, his cheeks flushed. His eyes pierce through me.
"Let's continue in the bedroom," he says, pulling my arm. "We're doing it properly this time."
"Huh?"
He leads me to his bedroom and pushes me towards the bed. My knees hit the edge and I sit down.
Steff sits beside me.
"This time, I'll make sure you remember everything," he whispers in my ear.
His breath tickles my skin. His promise makes my heart race.
"Every kiss."
He kisses my neck again.
"Every touch."
His fingers brush against the curve of my breast.
Then Steff seals my mouth with his again. My eyes fall shut and my back hits the mattress.
His tongue dances inside my mouth as he works on the buttons of my blouse. Then his hand slips beneath my bra and his fingers trap a stiff nipple.
I moan into his mouth.
His fingers rub the nub and send heat swirling through my veins. He does the same to the other, and more moans spill past my lips into his. He pulls away and they escape into the air.
I cover my mouth.
Am I the one making those sounds?
"What's wrong?" Steff asks me.
I look away. "Nothing."
He takes my hand and traps my wrist beside my head. His other hand grips my chin and forces me to meet his gaze.
"Does it feel good? Should I stop?"
Slowly, I shake my head.
I may be a mess, but I don't want him to stop.
His eyebrows furrow. "So it doesn't feel good?"
I frown. "If it didn't, I would have kicked you a long time ago."
Steff grins. "I'm glad to hear it."
And he does look glad. Happy. His grin is from ear to ear.
Something like this makes him this happy?
My thoughts vanish as Steff presses a kiss to the valley between my breasts. His free hand skirts my belly and I suck in a breath.
"Your belly is really ticklish, isn't it?" he asks as he lifts his head.
I don't answer. He already knows it.
His fingers circle my bellybutton as his mouth envelops my breast through my bra. The muscles of my stomach tense. I squirm as laughter threatens to seize me.