“Where are we going?” I asked, realizing I should have asked this question before.
“The Cactus Club. I need to see my friend Tony,” Tattie said.
“What if they card us?” I asked.
“Aren’t you twenty-one yet, little girl?” She laughed. “No problem, they know me.”
When she stopped in a bus zone outside a dingy-looking bar, I said, “Hey! I’m not sure—”
But Tattie jumped out, yelling, “Come on!” as she headed inside.
I stayed where I was, weighing my lack of options, until a big diesel bus pulled up next to the car and stopped. The huge doors opened with a loud hiss and I saw the dark face of the bus driver scowling down at me. A couple of men emerged from the bus and zigzagged around the car to reach the sidewalk. “Stupid bitch,” I heard one of them mutter. “Don’t know any better than to park in a bus zone.”
“It’s not my car,” I called after him. He didn’t turn around. Sighing, I got out of the car and skittered into the bar. It was like stepping into a dark, smelly cave. Tattie was seated on one of the bar stools, laughing flirtatiously at a mustached bartender. I sat down on the stool next to her.
“Tony, this is Ashley.”
I nodded.
“She’s the one I was telling you about,” Tattie continued. “Can you fix her up?”
“Oh, yeah.” Tony leered at me. “I’ll be happy to take care of her, don’t you worry.”
I shifted uneasily, leaning my arm on the bar and then moving it when my flesh stuck to the tacky surface. Actually, the whole place was tacky, with an unpleasantly boozy odor—it smelled just like my father used to, and that wasn’t a good thing.
Tattie got up, announced she had to pee, and sauntered toward the back. A few seconds later, Tony followed her. I sat there staring at my reflection in the bar mirror until some weirdo wearing an Oakland Raiders cap sat down on the stool next to me.
“Hey, gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
“No, thanks,” I said. Was he kidding? He was way old and had long sideburns. “I’m fine. I better go see where my friend went.”
“Oh, don’t worry about her,” he said, leaning toward me with his mouth open wide. I could see his teeth needed a good flossing. “I’m betting she’s real busy right now. I’ll entertain you till she comes back.”
Without answering, I walked toward the back. I didn’t see Tattie, so I tried the door to the toilet. It was locked. I could hear giggling inside and some other unidentifiable sounds. I stood outside the door, reluctant to return to the bar alone.
After a few minutes, Tony walked out of the toilet with some money in his hand. He gave me a smirk as he brushed by and said, “You come back, sweetheart. Anytime.”
Then Tattie reappeared. “I’ve got what I need,” she said. “Let’s blast.”
Out in the car, Tattie tucked a plastic bag into the glove compartment and flipped me a card. “Your new ID,” she said.
It was a driver’s license for an Elizabeth Castillo, age twenty-two, and the only thing she and I had in common was dark hair. “Thanks,” I said, not really meaning it. I was feeling more depressed by the minute. Instead of sunning myself on a Hawaiian beach, I was hanging out in raunchy taverns and meeting sleazy drug dealers.
“What next?” I muttered, more to myself than to Tattie.
But she answered me. “Why don’t we go back to your house?”
I could have kissed her, I was so relieved. As we drove the sixteen miles back to Burlingame, Tattie used her cell phone to invite a few of her friends to my place.
Maybe I should have told her to forget it. But I didn’t have anyone else to hang with. I reasoned that at least Tattie didn’t look down on me or talk shit about my mother, the notorious embezzler.
We had barely turned into my driveway when they began arriving. None of them were part of the popular clique at school, but I knew them.
First to arrive was Mike, a pint-sized wisecracker with a shaved head and baggy jeans. He strolled in with a skateboard on his shoulder and his girlfriend, Shirlee, at his heels.
“Gee whiz, Ashley, first last night and then today. We’re getting to be, like, best friends,” said Mike in a falsetto. “I feel cooler already, I mean, like, I am the coolest dude around. I mean, like, oh, my gawd.”
Shirlee giggled as if he were the funniest human on the planet. She was known for giggling at anything anyone said, including herself.
Next came Brian—also known as Brain because he was a total computer geek who made straight As. Rumor had it he could hack into any network no matter how tight the security.
“I brought refreshments,” shouted Brain, pointing to a cooler he was carrying. “Cold Jell-O shots and beer.”
Brain was half-Vietnamese, or maybe all—he could have been one of those adopted babies. In school it was hard to keep your own story straight, much less anyone else’s. So many of the kids were of mixed ancestry that it was no big deal. Money, not race, was always what counted.
Webb was the last one to arrive, swaggering in the door to a welcoming chorus of “Hey, dude!” and “What’s happening, dude?” His first name was Robert, but everyone always called him by his last name. Webb was the male version of Tattie. Scott always said he was a loser. True, he cut school a lot and his grades weren’t good. But he was a daredevil on snowboards and dirt bikes. I heard he had even tried skydiving. If he had been a dog, he would have been a rottweiler, while Scott was a classic golden retriever.
“Hey, Webb,” said Mike. “That was quite a show you put on yesterday.”
“Show? What show?” I asked.
“You mean you haven’t heard?” Tattie hooted. “Our friend here got banned from commencement because of a little prank he pulled.”
Brain leaned forward to fill me in. “You know that little shed over on the edge of the football field?” he said. “Well, Webb tried to send it into orbit with a few well-placed pyrotechnics.”
“I made a slight miscalculation,” Webb allowed.
“It was a beautiful sight,” Brain continued. “Rockets, Roman candles, the whole works. Two fire trucks were on the scene and a platoon of firemen, but the shed burned down to the ground. I hear the school board was on the warpath and a couple of the big hot dogs wanted him busted.”
Mike guffawed. “It’s a good thing you’re leaving town, dude. Otherwise, they’d have your dick in a wringer for sure.”
Webb leaned back in the chair with a smirk on his face. “They haven’t made a wringer big enough for my dick.”
“So I’ve heard,” I interjected.
Shirlee giggled, and Webb honored me with a smile. He was known for his devastating smile and his ability to charm the pants off almost anyone. In fact, he had charmed the pants off quite a few girls in our class.
“Believe it,” said Tattie, sticking out her tongue and wiggling it in a provocative manner.
“Are you speaking from experience?” Brain asked playfully, pretending to hold a microphone up to her mouth. “Enquiring minds want to know.”
She grabbed his hand and cooed into his make-believe microphone. “I always speak from experience. But that’s ancient history.”
“Ancient, ancient history. The crustacean period. When dinosaurs roamed the earth,” Webb added.
“You mean Cretaceous period,” I said.
“Whatever,” he grunted, and gave me a challenging look.
“Whatever,” I agreed.
“Okay, we’re all here. Let’s get started,” announced Tattie, climbing to a perch atop the back of the sofa. “Welcome, Ashley, to the other side of the tracks, home of the outcasts and troublemakers. Zoned for those who can’t or won’t fit in, who don’t give a fuck, who don’t buy into the bullshit. Let the games begin.”
“Do you have a special game in mind?” I asked while the others whooped and whistled.
“I have enough Vitamin E for everyone here,” she said. “You, girlfriend, are in for a really big treat.”
&nb
sp; “I’ll pass,” I said, and everyone began booing and catcalling.
“Oh, no, you don’t. This is special for you. We’re all old hands at this. You have been through a lot of bad shit and need some serious cheering up. This will definitely do the trick.”
“What if it’s been cut with something? Dying would not cheer me up.”
Someone made a clucking noise. I ignored it.
“Relax, I guarantee you this is grade-A stuff, nothing mixed in,” Tattie assured me. “Tony would not give me bad shit.”
I didn’t say anything, but I was still reluctant.
“It’s perfectly safe,” Shirlee added earnestly. “I don’t do drugs, not even aspirin. Only E. It really is pure ecstasy, pure bliss.”
“There’s nothing better than the first time you try E,” said Brain. “It’s totally dope. You feel like you’re floating above the whole world, and at the same time everything seems so crystal clear.”
Everyone nodded in agreement.
“What are you, the Ecstasy fairies?” Webb intervened. He was sprawled in our cranberry red wing chair, a beer in one hand. “Leave her alone. Maybe she can’t handle it. If she’s not up to it, she’s not up to it.”
Tattie shrugged and began handing out the little white pills.
I watched Webb grab one. He gave me an I-dare-you look, swallowed it, chased it down with a swig of beer, and grinned. No doubt about it, the guy did have a great smile going for him, along with that whole dark-and-dangerous-bad-boy look.
I reached over, took a pill, and swallowed it. “Let the games begin,” I said.
Chapter Seven
At first I didn’t feel any different. We listened to music and talked about everything and nothing. Silly Shirlee began to babble about color and how everyone’s aura was a different shade. I tuned her out. Gradually, I became aware that an amazingly good feeling had come over me, something between the warm, cozy feeling of curling up on the sofa with a good book, and the euphoric giddiness of the day I had been named homecoming queen.
I felt like my mind was completely in tune and yet goofily happy. All my defenses and my distrustful attitude fell away as if I were shedding a worn-out skin I didn’t need anymore. Suddenly, I felt very warm. I pulled off my blouse to reveal the camisole underneath.
“Someone’s feeling it,” Webb said, and gave me a glass of water to drink. His thoughtfulness rocked me.
Everyone began to open up. Brain told us that his mother had left yesterday for a rehab clinic.
“It won’t work,” he said. “She’s gone twice before and nothing ever changes. She’s pathetic. I don’t have any respect for her. Or my father. No matter what happens, he pretends that everything’s okay. Even after she ODed on wine and sleeping pills and had to have her stomach pumped, he pretended it was just a little accident.”
“The typical all-American parents—all fucked up,” snorted Webb.
“Parents are so totally whacked,” Mike agreed. “It’s always all about them—how hard they work, how much they’ve done for us, how grateful we ought to be—”
“How they deserve some happiness, too,” interjected Webb. “That’s my mother’s favorite line. Who’s she kidding? My mother has never denied herself anything. She’s had four husbands, for Christ’s sake.”
“None of them remember what it’s like to be young,” said Shirlee.
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Tattie. “I’m not convinced the Mad Russian has ever grown up.”
Everyone laughed. Tattie always referred to her father as the Mad Russian because he was born and raised in Moscow. Once he had been a businessman, but now he was a cab driver in Vegas.
“He always has some con or other going,” Tattie added. “He stole money from his job, just like your mom. Only reason he’s not in the slammer is the company didn’t want any publicity.”
“My mother isn’t a thief!” I screeched, and then was transfixed by a new and profound thought.
“You know, I don’t really know what my mother is.” I looked at their faces and words began to fly out of my mouth. “I don’t think that I have ever really thought about who she is. She was my mother. Her job was to make me happy. My dad was a drunken bastard, and it made me furious to see her treat him like a prince. She was always trying to please him, but she tried to please me, too. It’s sad to think how hard she tried to please us both—and I kept pushing her and pushing her. In a way, I despised her for being so weak, for always giving in. I was mean to her; it was all about me, me, me. I was the fucked-up one, and now she’s gone.”
I started to cry, and they all took turns hugging me. I felt so connected to them. I loved these people, my new, compassionate friends, and I told them so.
“Ashley, you are getting way too deep,” Tattie said.
“That’s why the first time is always the best,” Brain said. “It’s like taking a truth serum, and all the crap in your life disappears. Your entire view of existence is altered.”
“Not for me,” said Tattie. “Hey, I’m not seeking spiritual enlightenment. I want some fun, capital F-U-N. It’s time for some action. Let’s go to the Last Call.”
Tattie literally propelled us out the door and into my car. I was just going with the flow, full of energy and up for dancing or some way to express the elation I felt.
The Last Call is known for being the spot where everyone in the City goes after the clubs close. The place doesn’t even open until midnight, and the music keeps pumping into the morning. Maybe it never stops. In the old days I would have considered the people there dorky or strange. That night, though, I was full of Ecstasy-inspired fellowship and high spirits. Everyone was cool; everyone was my friend. We danced for hours, swept up in a collective rapture under the flashing lights and moving to the endless techno music.
Before long I was soaked in sweat and thirsty as hell. Webb continued to look after me, making sure I drank enough water to keep hydrated.
When we finally arrived back at my house, everyone collapsed in the living room. Webb started giving me a back rub, and it felt so-o-o good. Sitting there with Webb’s strong hands kneading my shoulders, I made my decision. To hell with Scott and all this virginity crap. It was time to go for it. Ignoring everyone else, I grabbed Webb’s hand and pulled him down the hall to my bedroom. It seemed like the perfect night to take the plunge and get the whole thing over with.
Webb gave me a really long, soft kiss, and then stopped.
“Hey, look, I’ve always thought you were very hot. But I’m not looking for a girlfriend, you know. Nothing permanent. I’m leaving here soon.”
“Who says I’m looking for a boyfriend?” I said, pulling him down on the bed. “Good grief, what does it take to get laid around here?”
He pulled a condom out of his wallet and waved it.
I smiled and kissed him again, a kiss that went on and on. All my nerve endings were tingling. For a guy with a hard body, his skin felt surprisingly smooth. I was glad he wasn’t too hairy, as that might have put me off the whole thing, and I didn’t want to lose my nerve. I sniffed his neck and inhaled his scent. If everything I’d heard about Webb was true, he would know what to do and what to put where.
He did know. The whole thing was fine, honestly—much better than I expected. For one thing, I discovered that when you’re the one wanting it and pushing for it, you don’t feel as if you’re losing control or relinquishing your power. I loved having him stroke my skin and suck my breasts, and the quick, sharp pain when he entered me wasn’t too bad. When he pulled me on top, I really got into it, and unrecognizable sounds started to come out of me. Then I felt a tiny, warm explosion inside. It wasn’t a big shuddering lollapalooza like you see in the movies or one of those multiorgasmic things you hear about. Still, it felt good. Maybe it was a mini-orgasm, but it was my first involving a partner, and I felt very proud. The whole thing wasn’t nearly the ordeal I had expected.
• • •
I woke up the next morning with the inside of
my mouth as dry as sawdust, and a sore head. Webb had stuck around, hogging my twin bed, and I gave him a small kick and told him I felt awful.
“That’s the price of tripping on E—you have a sore jaw in the morning.”
“Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a price?” I groaned.
“Come on, it’s no worse than a hangover, and the trip was a whole lot better than drinking booze, admit it. At least on E, you don’t stumble around, get mean, or throw up.”
He got up and went into the bathroom. When he came back, he handed me a glass of tap water. I watched him pull on his jeans and black T-shirt. He had a great body, no doubt about it.
“I wish I could hang around, but I have to split.”
I nodded. I didn’t feel like conversation anyway.
“Listen, don’t be like Tattie. Don’t start mixing E with acid or doing drugs every day. It takes a couple of days before it’s totally out of your system,” he cautioned me. “You need to wait and see what happens.”
“What does that mean?” I said sharply, sitting up with the comforter pulled around me.
“It’s just that some people get really down afterward. Not everyone. But someone I know did. If you start to feel depressed, that’s what’s going on. It’ll pass.”
“Great,” I mumbled. “As if I’m not depressed already.”
“It probably won’t happen. I’ve never felt down afterward. Lately, I haven’t felt much of anything. The first time is always the best, and I’ve never had the high that I got the first time. I had more fun watching you last night than tripping on it myself.”
I smiled weakly and flopped back on the bed.
Webb took off after saying he’d call me, and it was all I could do to keep from saying “Don’t bother.” I was just relieved to have done the deed at last. And I was miserable enough these days without getting involved with bad-boy Webb.
• • •
I hung out with Stella for what was left of the day, waiting to feel better. The tightness in my jaw started to go away, but my depression didn’t. I stayed on the sofa, mindlessly channel surfing and unable to get interested in anything.
My Lost and Found Life Page 5