I don’t mean anything to him.
Ouch.
Fuck.
It hurts.
I continue to absently rub my collarbone. “I’m just going to reply with ‘okay.’”
What else is there to say?
This is the situation, this is my life, this is what you get when you give your heart to someone who doesn’t want it.
They drop it, and then they carry on with their lives like nothing happened.
I type “Okay,” and then put my phone down on the bar while I do a shot.
I do Nicky’s, too.
Eli replies instantly, asking me what’s going through my mind right now. He hurts me, then wants me to explain the hurt to him, even though he has no intention of fixing it. Even though he caused it. Even though he could stop it but he won’t. I don’t know what to say. Does he want me to put it into words how much it hurts, to try and explain how disappointing his answer was to me? To tell him that if it was up to me, he’d never touch another woman again? He doesn’t want me. I shouldn’t give him more than I should have. I need to save face, and keep whatever pride I have left.
“When you tell someone they’ve hurt you, they can’t say that they didn’t. You feel how you feel, Taye. You own that.”
I exhale deeply and pick up my phone and type, “Thanks for being honest.”
He is always honest, a trait I like about him. I asked for the truth and he gave it to me. If I don’t like it, well, that’s for me to deal with. Like my best friend said, I either accept it and keep him in my life, or I cut him out and never talk to him again. I don’t want to cut off communication though, I always want to be there for him if he needs me, even if it’s years down the line. I know it sounds sad, and fucking stupid, but that’s how much I care about him. He needs me, I’ll be there. I’ll have his back, no matter what, even if that loyalty isn’t returned.
“Are you upset?” he replies.
“I’m a little hurt, but it is what it is. And you made me no promises.”
“I like you, Taye. I wouldn’t talk to you every day if I didn’t.”
He likes me.
“You like me, but not enough to do anything about it.”
That pretty much sums up my love life.
I send another message: “You know what, it’s fine. Have a good night.”
“I can’t imagine that’s what your eyes are saying right now.”
If he saw my eyes right now, they would give away everything. They would show my hurt, my pain, my hopelessness. I’m glad he’s not here right now, because what he’d see in my eyes would send him running. It would be too much for him to handle.
“There’s a difference between sex with emotion and just sex, Taye,” he writes. “If we were even in the same state, maybe, but we’re not.”
So, sex with me is different? And these women mean nothing to him? Or is this just me reading between the lines and hearing something I want to. How many women has he slept with? Does he sleep with them more than once, or a few times? How does this work for him, exactly?
Am I really any different?
Does the state thing even matter? Distance is distance, no matter how far. If his head and heart are with me, then he shouldn’t want to fuck anyone else. Isn’t that how it’s meant to go?
I think about our time together, and how real that felt. Did it not feel that way to him? Does he not smile every time I message, saying something cute; does he not miss me, even a little bit?
Can sex just be sex for men?
What if he gets attached to one of these women and forgets about me?
Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? Bad because I’d lose him, but good because I’d have no choice but to move on. Maybe that’s exactly what I need to do.
He’s never in or out, he’s always in the middle, and that’s a little hard to swallow sometimes.
In the end, Eli is just a man.
A man who apparently doesn’t want to be with me.
Chapter Twelve
“You know what, Taye? You have Eli goggles. You haven’t even been checking out any other men, and let’s be real, you can get any guy you want in here. So what gives? He’s out fucking others, so you need to dump the Eli goggles and start actually seeing men again.”
I grin at Nicky. “You are so cute, you know that?”
“I do,” she says, threading her arm through mine and nodding to the left. “What about him?”
“I don’t need another guy,” I tell her, shaking my head in amusement. “I need to get over Eli first. I don’t want to use someone.”
“Best way to get over a guy is to get under another one,” she says cheerfully.
Usually, that is my motto, but this time I don’t think it’s going to help. Eli accepts all of me; he can handle me and he finds things about me hilarious, things that scare most guys off, like my attitude and my temper. He loves my attitude. He doesn’t want me to tone myself down or change. He likes me just as I am. How the hell do you replace that? I don’t think you can. Meaningless sex is not going to help. If anything, it will probably make me feel worse because I’ll just compare it to what I had with him. No matter how temporary it was with him, it meant something to me, and I’m not going to just pretend it didn’t to save face.
“Don’t think that will work this time,” I say, sighing. “Let’s go and dance.” I don’t bother denying that I have Eli goggles, because let’s be real, I do.
He’s all I see, all I want.
It’s not an easy thing to escape from.
For tonight though, I’m just going to have fun, and I’m going to try and forget.
Forget that right now, while I’m thinking about him, he could be inside another woman.
*****
I wake up with a raging headache and a message from Eli. “Hello, pretty girl.”
I wonder how many women he says that to. Does he call them pretty girl too? Does he call them miss? He probably uses those words so he doesn’t forget names. Rolling my eyes, I get up, jump in the shower, and pull out my laptop to do some work. My first book is now almost half done. Every time I need to express myself, I turn to it, and it’s been a good outlet for me. A few hours later, I start cleaning my house. Feeling bad for not replying to Eli, because I’d hate if he did that to me, I pick up my phone and send him a quick message.
“Good morning. What are you up to?”
“Working. What are you doing, miss? You feeling okay today?”
“I feel okay,” I type. Physically, anyway. “Just cleaning. I like everything to be a certain way.”
“I know. Maybe next time I come there I’ll move your stuff around and see how long it takes for you to notice.”
I smirk, always amused when he gets playful like this, which is pretty much all the damn time.
“Only thing you’ll be moving is my body when we change positions,” is my cheeky response.
See, I can be just as witty as he is. I love our banter. I haven’t met anyone who gives as good as he gets like Eli does. Even after last night, it’s almost as if things haven’t changed. At least, our talks haven’t. Now, though, I know where I stand with him. To be honest, I should probably say goodbye to him, because there is no winning this situation for me. There is no end game, no happily ever after. All I’m going to get is this, right here. And I have to be okay with that to keep him in my life. I don’t want to lose him. Even if we end up being just friends I still want him in my life, in some way or form. He means too much to me for me to just turn my back on him. I want to be there for him, make sure he’s doing okay, and be by his side if he’s not. Somehow, he’s become someone I care deeply about, even if I still don’t know his last name. I roll my eyes at that thought. I can’t believe he still hasn’t given in and told me that.
How ridiculously stubborn can one man be?
“I’ll be doing more than that. I’ll be tasting every inch of you. I won’t be able to keep my hands off you. Mmm I still have many ideas for you,
miss.”
He has ideas for me?
“Is that right? What kind of ideas? Ones that I can put in my book?”
“There will need to be lots of research required. If you’re up for it….”
“Oh I’m up for it, and I know you will be too,” I type, my lips twisting in humour at my own joke.
“Always up for it whenever I’m around you. Are we going to talk about last night?”
Last night.
The night of truth and realisation.
I don’t really want to talk about it, if I’m being honest. We aren’t exclusive, he fucks other women, I don’t like it, but I don’t have a choice, end of story. I don’t want to message him when he’s with another woman. The jealousy hits me like a knife to the stomach as I picture that—him seeing my name pop up on his phone and either ignoring me or messaging me back acting like everything is okay while he has another woman next to him.
I don’t know which one is worse.
“Nothing to talk about. I asked a question, and now I have to handle the answer,” I type.
I haven’t even thought about being with anyone else, but for him it was a given. He doesn’t see me as his, or anything like that. Would he even care if I was fucking someone else? Probably not. The worst part of the whole thing is, I really didn’t think he would fuck someone else so soon. I was wrong—it’s been known to happen.
“The last thing I want is to hurt you, Taye.”
The last thing I want is to be hurt. But what can I do? I never thought I’d find myself in a situation like this. There’s obviously something that keeps us from losing contact. We enjoy chatting with each other, we like each other, and we want to see each other again. But how do I separate my feelings for him and carry on seeing other men whilst still talking to him every day? I’m in quite the pickle. One thing I do know for sure is that I refuse to lose him. I won’t walk away unless he wants me to. I’ve realised that no matter what I say to him, nothing really scares him off or makes him go quiet or distant. I like that about him. I can say whatever is on my mind without censoring myself, and I know he won’t take it the wrong way. I can truly be myself, and no matter what, he thinks I’m a good person. He thinks I’m cut from a different cloth, thinks I’m a rare type of woman. He sees the real me, and I see the real him. I accept him just as he is, and he does the same back. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that before. With my ex, I’d tone down my emotions and reactions because he couldn’t handle them. But Eli? There’s nothing he can’t handle. He truly is one of a kind. He isn’t ready for commitment or to settle down, but before him, neither was I. I was having a little fun here and there, but my heart was never in it. I think that’s the difference between us two. For him—I’d change my rules. I’d be flexible, and not just in the bedroom. I’d compromise. He doesn’t want to do any of those things. And I can’t make him. If he’s not ready, then he’s not ready. Maybe he’s not emotionally unavailable after all, maybe he just doesn’t want anything more serious with me.
“I know, Eli.”
“I don’t want the type of relationship I can offer.”
That line really hits me, because it shows me just how selfish I’m being right now. He doesn’t want the type of relationship he can offer. He wouldn’t be happy doing long distance and the rest of it. Maybe it’s him who couldn’t handle it. I, on the other hand, could. I would put in the effort, and the hard work, because I believe it would be worth it.
That he’s worth it.
Maybe I am just an idealistic, hopeless romantic. Maybe he’s in the right with this. Maybe I need a fucking reality check.
Or maybe I need to get acquainted with another penis.
“Well, when you put it like that….”
“It’s not even all about me, Taye. I’m thinking about you here.”
Is he thinking about me here? Because he’s definitely not going to give me what I want. And I need to stop talking to him about it. I need to have some fucking dignity, instead of chasing a man who clearly doesn’t want to be chased. Well, he does, he just doesn’t want to be permanently caught.
From this moment on, I stop talking about who he is fucking, or why he doesn’t want to be with me.
I can’t control it.
So, I let it all go.
And it’s extremely freeing.
If it’s meant to be, it will be.
And if not?
Maybe he’s meant to be a lesson, not my soul mate.
Chapter Thirteen
“All the good guys are unavailable,” I say to Nicky.
“Even the single guys are unavailable,” she murmurs, a dig at Eli, and a pretty valid one.
“This is true. I’m just a magnet for the emotionally unavailable men of the world. They like me, I like them. Most of them are bearded.”
“And some of them even have blue eyes, I bet,” she adds, bringing her blue straw to her lips. “And fuck you against walls.”
I nudge her shoulder. We had dinner together, then decided to come out for a quick drink before we head back to my house for a movie marathon. I sent Eli a quick picture of me, and he only now replies to it.
“You look beautiful, miss. I’m going to need to do an hour of boxing.”
I smile widely. Eli has been sent to some random place for work, and there’s no women around, so he’s suddenly been boxing more than usual. I think the fact he knows how to fight is sexy as hell. Then again, I think anything he does is sexy. Eli goggles, and all that.
“Eli said he’s going to have to box for an hour after seeing my picture,” I say, sighing in contentment.
Nicky rolls her eyes at me. “Yeah well, you’re fucking hot. But if another guy said that, you wouldn’t think it’s cute. Imagine if bus guy said it.”
That’s been her answer for anything cute I say about Eli. “Imagine if bus guy said it.”
Bus guy is a guy I considered dating a while back, a guy I sat next to on the bus. Nice guy, just wasn’t for me.
“You and bus guy,” I grumble, pursing my lips.
“Well it’s true,” she says, smirking. “Eli can do no wrong in your eyes.”
I know she’s right, but that really doesn’t change anything. So, I think he’s amazing, is that crime? If so, lock me the fuck up. I wonder if Eli will use handcuffs on me next time, or bind my wrists. I send him a quick message asking him so, getting turned on at the mere thought of him restraining me.
“Fucking hell. The second I see you, I’m taking you to the nearest bed. I’m going to kiss you, make you come, and then bind your hands behind your back, bend you over, and fuck you until you scream.”
Shit.
That escalated.
“I want that. Fuck. You need to be here right now. I’d be so ready for you that you wouldn’t even have to touch me.”
“Make that two hours of boxing.”
Satisfaction fills me.
When I get home, I’m going to send him a sexy as fuck video that’s going to turn that two hours into three.
“Are you going to be a phone snob all night?” my best friend asks, narrowing her eyes on me.
I slide my phone into my bra and offer her an apologetic smile. “I’m all yours, Nicky.”
She smiles and nods towards the exit. “Want to go home and spoon?”
Yes.
Yes, I do.
*****
“Your son is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” I tell my brother as he and Carter walk into my house. “Carter, you are so cute, buddy. Come and give me a hug.”
He runs into my arms and I pick him up and kiss his chubby little cheeks. “You’re getting heavy.”
“I’m getting bigger!” he announces proudly.
“Yes, you are,” I say, giving him one more kiss before putting him down. “There’s lunch on the stove,” I tell Seth, nodding towards the kitchen. He kisses my temple as he passes me, heading straight for the food.
“How’s your book going?” he asks, grabbi
ng a plate and a bowl, one for him, one for Carter.
“It’s going well, actually,” I say, beaming. “It’s all coming together, you know? I’m pretty excited about it.”
“I can’t wait to read it.”
I freeze. I look at my brother, all six feet of him, and scowl. “You can’t read it, Seth. It’s a romance novel.”
“So?”
“So,” I say, dragging out the word. “It has sex in it. You’re my brother. I’m sure you don’t want a peek into my mind when it comes to that. Most writers write from experience and—”
“Say no more, Taye. Say no more,” he says, grimacing.
I grin and go and put on a movie for Carter to watch while he eats his lunch. When they leave, I strip down for a shower and decide to send Eli a sexy picture. It’s of me in the mirror, fully nude. I’ve never sent anything like this to any guy before, but I think it’s obvious that Eli isn’t just any guy to me. He’s seen every inch of me, and he likes what he sees, even though I’m far from perfect.
My butt could be bigger, my boobs perkier, my stomach flatter, but when I’m around him or talking to him all I feel is perfectly imperfect, beautiful just as I am.
“Well congrats, miss, you almost made me fall off a beam with that pic.”
My lips twitch, but then I start to worry about the fact that if he’s being serious, he could have hurt himself.
“Why did you open it if you’re on a beam?” I fire back.
“I’m normally not so easily distracted. You’re so fucking beautiful. I get hard just looking at you.”
“And I get wet just thinking of you….”
We sext for the next few hours until he writes, “Well, I think you’ve tortured me enough for one night. I’m going to head out.”
He’s going to head out.
To probably fuck another woman. No, to definitely fuck another woman. Over our last few chats I’ve discovered that Eli is a man who is very… generous with his sex skills, and likes to share himself around a fair bit. He sees it as just sex.
And I have to be okay with that, because he’s not mine.
Wonderful.
It’s fine, it’s all fine.
At least that’s what I make myself believe.
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