by Barb Shuler
He meant it too, there was no doubt about that. So, I kept it to myself. It happened almost every day, before school, after school. Anytime Mama and Greg were not home. The only difference was that I started to like it… almost a year later, I craved it. I had started to… develop, as Mama said. I was wearing real bras, having to buy bigger shirts to make sure I was covered.
By the summer I turned twelve, I was fully developed and getting a lot of attention from the boys in the neighborhood. They no longer picked at me. They would whistle and touch me as I walked by them which in return would get them a whack upside the head. I played with them. Chase said that guys liked that. His friends liked it a lot. The feelings I got when they would touch me set me off and it was all I could do to get to a safe place and let them touch me more. Some of the other girls called me a whore, but I ignored them after Chase said it was just them being jealous. He would tell me, “It takes a lot for someone to be special enough to be fucked.” So he was saying I was special.
The health classes at school said sex was ‘bad’. But I didn’t see that. It felt good after a few times. They taught us all about orgasms, female stimulation, how our bodies reacted to touch and many other things related to sex. Chase said he would always be there to help me if I had questions but I was his, and this was what he was doing for me. That he was only sharing me with his friends that he trusted.
Even after Mama and Greg broke up, they still fucked. Mama was special to him, I guess. I would hide anytime Mama had someone coming over and watch how they did it. Then when Chase would sneak over to the house we would do what I had seen Mama doing. Chase was always learning new stuff too. Once he made me watch some video that had some girl in it and she was doing things that I wasn’t sure I could do. But with time I was doing them. Chase seemed to enjoy them. Especially when I gave him a blow job. Though it was kinda gross.
A few weeks after that I ‘mastered’ the blow job, as Chase said. But he only wanted that sometimes. Like after my period would start. He said he couldn’t ‘get me off’, but he still “needed it.” I tried to make him happy, that was why I was so special to him. A few months after Mama and Greg's break up Mama started dating Trevor. I remembered him from seeing him in Mama’s bed. He was like Chase in ways. He even looked at me a lot. Chase didn’t like that, but he wasn’t always there.
One night when I came back from a friend’s house, Trevor was up watching TV and I decided to join him. He tried to touch me but I moved away. It was hard to explain; I would get around a man and I would start feeling the heat building up inside me. But Mama was Trevor’s, and I was Chase’s. It was different with Chase’s friends. He was always there to keep me safe. That night when Chase came over, I was already naked and rubbing myself. I didn’t tell him about Trevor, but then, he didn’t ask. That night I had another orgasm. A real one. My entire body shook for minutes. It was only the second time that had happened to me. Chase must have enjoyed it too. He spent the night and woke me up after midnight to fuck again. He covered my mouth when I started getting loud, his grunting was all you could hear besides the stereo that was on low so Mama didn’t get bothered by it.
CHAPTER FOUR
A Time of Murder
Nicole
A COUPLE MONTHS later, Mama and Trevor were invited by some people - who I didn’t know - to go to the lake. It was some place that I forgot the name of. Greg and Chase were there, as were a few other people that we knew from our neighborhood. I kept to myself mostly. Chase acted like he didn’t know I existed, except at night when he would come to see me. He said it was to keep the adults from knowing. That meant I had to be quiet, though, so no one could hear me.
It was there, at the lake, that Chase showed me what is like to take a life. How someone could become so enraged, murder was the only way to handle it. One night after everyone went to bed, Chase came into my room and told me to wait up for him, he had to go help Kayla with something. I remember his hand sliding down under my blankets to rub his hand between my legs. That feeling started to bubble up inside me after he left so, I slipped out of bed and managed to catch up to him and Kayla. At first he didn’t know I was there. Kayla, who was someone he had just met, was all over him. She was older than I was, his age possibly, maybe little older than his sixteen years. I wasn’t sure which.
I watched as they went down to the campsite by the lake not far from where we were staying. I stayed hidden in the bushes as he pressed her back against a tree. My eyes narrowed as his hands started to roam her body. What was he doing? Maybe there were things happening that I didn’t understand, but, Chase… he was mine. Or rather I was his, so why was he out here with her? I was angry. That was a new sensation for me. I was burning mad. My eyes burned with tears as I moved closer to them. My steps were light and cautious. Hearing her moan his name as his hand moved inside her panties made me close my fists, my nails digging into my palms.
It wasn’t until he started to fuck her against the tree that I felt a burning rage run through me. Hotter. I was steaming. My skin burned with all-consuming fury. He was fucking her! How could she be special to him? I was his special person to fuck, not her! She can’t be special to him! He shifted her in his arms and she wrapped her bony body around him after he grunted. That was a sound I was familiar with, it meant he was finished. As I crept closer I grabbed a rock off the ground and tossed that fucker as hard as I could at the back of his head. I stopped as he turned to face me, his face tight, the hard planes of his body drawn in as he let out a frustrated growl.
I remember it as if it were happening right now. Chase moved from her, tripped over his pants as called me “a perverted little whore.” I tossed more rocks at him and started to scream profanities at them both. How could he think she was special? They’d just fucking met, for crying out loud. He was mine; no one else could have him but me. It was then that I heard the gasp from Kayla. She didn’t know that it was me he came to every night. I felt justified in my thoughts now. That little voice was cheering me on; more and more now. “Just do it.”
The words were on repeat in my head. I heard it over and over as I glared at them both. I stalked over to Kayla and grabbed her by the hair before slinging her around; face first into the tree they were just standing at. My voice rose as I yelled, each of my words making my hand slam her into the tree a little harder. The air rushed out of me as Chase tackled me to the ground. My fists flew up and cracked him in the jaw. The satisfaction of his groaning made me smile before I punched at him again. I don’t know how long he and I rolled on the ground, but I shoved him once and he fell over, whacking his head on a rock. He laid still and I got up off the ground slowly, my arms and legs hurting. I saw blood running along my arm. I looked back down at him and kicked him hard; over and over.
I fell back on the ground and started to cry out of frustration. And, a little from pain. I must have cut myself on the rocks, or tree branches we were rolling around in. A few moments later I heard voices and not just the ones in my head. There were flashlights coming at us and I stood up slowly, my tears still falling. I heard Mama call my name and I ran to her. Well, more like stumbled to her. My legs were burning and I just felt drained. Her arms wrapped around me as she spoke.
“What in the hell happened here!?”
I looked over at Chase’s body and swallowed hard. “He attacked Kayla, I tried to help… then he tried to hurt me too, Mama.”
I held onto her and hid my face as I smiled. If the dirty bastard wasn’t going to be fair, neither was I. Someone went over and checked on Chase. I saw him shake his head and then Greg came running over to where everyone was. When he saw Chase, his perfect son, on the ground he moved so fast I never saw it coming. He snatched me from Mama’s arms and I screamed at the instant shot of pain in my arm. He shoved me to the ground, where I landed on something hard and sharp. Fuck, that shit hurt too.
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BOY?!”
He kicked me in the side before the other men with the
m could grab him. I doubled over and cried hard from the pain that shot through my body. My arm felt like it had been snapped in two pieces. My back hurt. My side and stomach now hurt. I curled up and away from him and vomited the contents of my stomach as he was pulled away. Mama ran to me, holding me to her, holding me a little too tight. She had changed a little since Greg left, but she was still hateful to me. I guess seeing your kid battered by someone else made her care a little.
Finally, an ambulance and the cops arrived. I faked a few more crying sessions as they asked me what had happened. Did they think my story was going to change?
“I know this is hard, but can you tell us what happened here?”
I looked at Mama and she nodded as she took my hand. “He… Chase said he was going on a walk and that I should come. I wasn’t sleepy... and that house is creepy… so I did. ” Lying was easy for me. It wasn’t as if it was the first time. “He met her here.” I said pointing at Kayla’s now tarp covered body. “He pulled me along with him, they…pulled me to them and… and when I tried to pull away he hit me.” I looked down as If I was ashamed, embarrassed even.
“He tried to engage you in their activities?” the female officer asked, and I nodded.
“I didn’t want to. I tried to pull away more. I didn’t want them touching me. I was... He shoved me to the ground. I think I blacked out. When I looked up he was kissing her up against that tree.” I paused, taking a deep breath as I smirked to myself while looking down at my shoes. I looked back up and swallowed hard. “They were having sex. I tried to get away but he came after me. When she told him to stop... he went crazy. He... He... He…”
I covered my face and let myself shake, crying into my hands as Mama addressed the officers. I was laughing inwardly. They were eating this up.
“So, was that all? What happened to Miss Brant?” the man asked, his pen ready to write down whatever I told him in that little notebook.
“Chase lost it. I told you that. Her face… he smashed her into the tree. Over and over again. Then... then he came after me. I tried to fight him off. I wasn’t strong enough. He touched me!” I screamed the last words and started to ‘cry’ again and curled into my mama.
I had to tell what had happened a few times that night. They had two bodies and only little ole’ me to tell them what happened. Of course, I was cleared, and they let Mama take me home.
CHAPTER FIVE
Sent Away
Nicole
~One Year later~
MAMA WAS STILL with Trevor, to my utter surprise, but now she had gotten back together with Greg. The three of them shared a bed. Seemed Greg didn’t care who or what he fucked when he was high. For a few months, though, it had just been the three of us. Greg had yet again, gone to rehab. Three days out and he was back at the bong again. He wasn’t staying clean. Then again, it wasn’t like he ever tried. Hell, no one in this house was ever clean. Except for me.
After Mama and Trevor left one day I went into the living room and found him sleeping on the couch. I just sat there and watched him. He looked like Chase, or well I guess Chase looked like him, but it reminded me of what Chase and I had. I moved over to the couch and took his hand. He was still half asleep but he sat up and jerked his hand away.
It took me staring at him and him really looking at me to see I was only in my tank top and a pair of Mama’s little panties. Trevor liked to see me in Mama’s things, maybe he would too. I moved to rub him through his pants like I’d do to Chase to tease him. After a few hard strokes I turned and walked to my room. I had tossed my clothes around and messed up my bed so when he came in I pushed him towards the bed. I locked the door and moved to the bed. He smelled of weed and booze, but that didn’t stop him from knowing I could make him feel good. I crawled up on the bed and kissed him softly before I slapped his face. He turned and slapped me back hard, I fell over on the bed stunned. Then, he grabbed me roughly. The way Chase had. The way he had with Mama.
It didn’t take long for him to have me naked and fighting against his tight hold. He was too aggressive, and I was freaking out. He was hurting me. I told him to stop and get off but he wouldn’t listen. Greg was much larger than Chase. When he got himself free of his shorts he was not gentle about lining himself up to my center and slamming into me. I screamed and hit at his chest for him to stop. That seemed to make him thrust harder. The tears rolled down my cheeks as he hit harder, my bed was slamming into the wall as I screamed for him to stop. He started grunting just like Chase would. I was numb, my body was stiff under him as he gripped my neck, his fingers holding tight. My eyes fluttered as the black spots started to take over my vision.
I heard a noise outside the door and then the door busted open. I heard yelling and then a gunshot. Greg fell on top of me and my screams that had been almost silent due to the tightness of his hand on my throat were loud again... I blinked seeing Mama with her .45 in her hands. Her eyes were wide as she looked down at me.
Next thing I knew, I was being roused in a - bright as the sun - white walled room, with people all around me. There were noises I didn’t recognize and I lost it. Total freak out. I had to be sedated. When I woke again there was a nurse with me. She said I had been attacked and was going to be okay. I hurt, my throat felt like it was on fire. Once I was able to get up, I was photographed as proof of the attack. I had already been seen in the ER by some lady doctor who had to look at my girl parts. I was hurting too bad to care what anyone did, really.
Months later, it was decided that I needed to be in a ‘stable’ environment. I was thirteen now, and the voices said I needed to find a new person. A new Chase. Maybe it was possible, but I wasn’t sure. A judge, some fat, balding man took me from Mama, saying that I was ‘troubled’ due to what I had been through. Mama was begging that day in court to keep me, she was desperate to keep me close to her. But with no family, he said he had no choice but to send me to a foster home. The family I was sent to was nice, but they were too damn chipper. They were always loving on each other. I gag now just thinking about it.
After a few months of being there I bonded with their neighbor’s kid, Laney. She was cool. She got me into looking “moody”, as her mom called it. My foster parents were apprehensive, but they let me dress like I wanted. Laney was fun to be with and she liked me. A few weeks after meeting her she invited me to hang out at her house. Her parents were going out and I was spending the night, so there was no need to move from the couch. We ate popcorn, watched movies and then something unexpected happened. It was strange at first, but she leaned in and kissed me. I didn’t pull back from her. Laney’s lips were soft and sweet. When I was with her the voices didn’t talk to me as they did when I was alone. That night we stayed curled into each other, exploring our bodies.
After months of being consumed by her, the flames slowly burned out after her parents found us together. We were forced apart. I was brokenhearted. I was told I had to stay away from her. That was when the voices started again. Double time.
Thinking back now... it’s so hard to not miss her. She was the one for me, or so I thought at that time. But, such is life. As soon as I found someone, they were pulled away. One day after school my social worker was waiting to talk to me and my foster parents. It seemed that my mom had lied. She knew who my biological father was. Since she was in jail on drug charges again and I was here, he was coming to get me. I wasn’t happy that I had to move again. No one wanted me long, though. I’d be out in no time and I could come back for Laney. Or so I thought.
A few weeks later we were in front of a judge, and I was face to face with my Mama and the sperm donor. That is what I had started referring to him as. I was ‘handed over’ to my sperm donor and his snooty wife and we made our way to Texas. Texas. Back hills, country rednecks live here, Texas. What the hell, man? That was just what I wanted to have to deal with; but it was a home. I was embraced by them all when I first arrived. We had to have a ‘family meeting’ when I arrived. The kids didn
’t seem all that happy with me, but our father basically told them to deal with it. I was family, and I was staying.
The voices seemed to get louder in Texas. I don’t know why, though. I tried to ignore them, but the day I went into Katie’s room to get her dirty clothes - I saw her. Her lean body lay across Katie’s bed in nothing more than her under garments. Dani-Lynn was Katie’s best friend and soon she would be mine. The voices were right, so I let them win. I gave in to be able to get what I wanted. Like Chase taught me. That was when I started watching her. She was beautiful. A fantastic body, pretty face… she reminded me so much of Laney. Thinking of Laney makes my heart ache to this day. I tried to do anything I could to catch her attention, but that didn’t seem to happen.
Anytime she and Katie were together, I was forgotten. I would sneak out and follow them around, waiting for the right time to get time alone with her. As we got older, she and Katie spent more and more time together. After high school they left and went to San Antonio for college. The only time we saw them was on holidays. But then she was never around, unless Drew or Katie was with her. Drew wanted her. I could always see it in his eyes. But he was a stupid chicken shit. I wasn’t, but she never looked at me for more than a moment. I had given up on her noticing me by that time. Then she became ‘famous’, but she shied away from people more and more.
I had to write her letters and send her things to get her attention. Months and months passed, and one day I overheard Drew on the phone with her when he was at the house for lunch. At first I didn’t know it was her until he said, “I love you too, Dani Lynn. Yes, I have my key, I’ll be there in a few, baby.” The voice told me to follow him to wherever she was. So I did. He went to her house, let himself in the back door. I was defeated. He had taken her from me. Again, I was left unhappy and all alone… only now I was old enough to do something about it.