by Lisa Shelby
“I think you’re looking a little too deep into things, my friend. It’s just been a rough day.”
I drink down half of my pint, set my glass back down and look anywhere except at Riley. Thank fuck he has to walk away to help some more customers. These new patrons happen to be two hot blonds. Their skirts are a little too short and their shirts are a little too low cut for their own good. I think the second part of my equation is going to be easier than I thought.
I watch as the girls pay for their drinks and head back to their table against the wall, on the opposite side of the bar.
“So, what happened?”
Slowly turning my head to Riley who has returned from his bartending duties I say, “Don’t be a dick.”
“Mick, since when can’t you talk to me? I know how you feel about the girl. I’ve watched you, watching her, for years. You finally have her in your life but you’re ‘just friends’. I don’t understand this little game you’re playing with her. Why are you doing the friends thing? This doesn’t seem to be your usual style, dude.”
He really does know me better than anybody. He knows my stance on dating. Shit, he knows everything there is to know about my life. We’ve been best friends since first grade. The problem is, I haven’t even admitted to myself what this is really all about. Today for the first time, it really hits me.
“I want more than friendship, Riley, but you know that. You just love to torture me and want to hear me say that shit myself.”
“So, what’s the problem?” He asks with his arms crossed in front of his chest yet again. He’s standing there like I’m in trouble and he’s my dad just waiting to dole out my punishment. Dick.
“Leave it alone, Ry.”
He continues standing there but doesn’t say a word. I know how damn stubborn he can be, and he will stand there all night if I don’t start talking. Why the hell am I friends with him again?
“Jesus Ry, just get me another beer and stop with the third degree.” On that note he picks up a glass and fills it with another beer. I didn’t even notice that the taps were right in front of me and he didn’t have to walk away to get me my beer.
Shit!
“Anything else I can get for you? We don’t sell panties here, but I can recommend a nice place down the road that may just have your size. I think it’s called Pussies ‘R Us.”
“Fuck you, Ry. I really don’t need your shit tonight.” Rubbing my hand over my face, I let out a big sigh and finally blurt out why I’m so miserable. “Alex said she’s seeing that douchebag, Kevin, again. She said she has to stop talking to me out of respect for him or some shit like that.”
I can see his genuine concern for her cross his face. I had told him about Kevin manhandling her, and his protective side has kicked into gear just like mine did. He’s known her as long as I have, and my feelings for her aside, neither of us would let anything happen to Alex if we have anything to do with it.
“Shit, Mick. What is she thinking? He sounds like a real piece of work,” Riley says with both hands on the bar in front of me.
“She said I wouldn’t understand and that she doesn’t want to be alone. She says she doesn’t love him and knows she doesn’t have to worry about getting her heart broken,” I say repeating back the gist of our text messages.
“I just don’t get it. She’s a smart girl. She’s beautiful and sweet as hell; she could have any guy she wanted. Why this suit?”
In my head, I think back to the night that I pulled up to her house, and found her with a black eye and saw her bruised and battered mom. I can’t help but wonder if it’s the only pattern she knows? I also know what she means when she said that he wouldn’t break her heart. She’s implying that she can’t have more with me because she knows I’ll break her heart.
“Fuck, Riley. She’s the one girl I’ve ever wanted more with. And I can’t have her,” I say as I look into my best friend’s eyes and see the sympathy that he has for me. I hate it.
“Why is that, Mick? You had her for a night, why can’t you have more than that?” He asks.
“Emily for one,” I say making my first and most obvious excuse.
“Mick, that is some bullshit right there and you know it!”
“How is that?”
“Hello, Dickhead! Emily of all people wouldn’t hold you back. You haven’t said a word about her and Jonathan. He’s a cop and a co-worker of yours, and you let that shit go. You know that her happiness is more important than your caveman feelings, and you aren’t getting in the way. Emily is a much better person than you, my friend. She loves you both and wants you both to be happy. Even if that meant you were happy together. Got any other lame ass excuses up your sleeve?”
One point for Riley.
“She doesn’t think that I’m the relationship type. She thinks I’ll break her heart and she’s probably right, Ry. I’ve never been in a relationship or had to stay committed. I would have no idea what I was doing. She deserves better than fucking Kevin, but she also deserves better than me.”
“I get it. She’s watched you break hearts all of these years. I can understand why she’d be hesitant, but dude, it doesn’t mean she’s right.”
“Ry, I did not break hearts. I never made any commitments and I always made it clear I wasn’t looking for a relationship. How could I break any hearts? Besides, you’re just like me. What’s the difference between the way you behave and the way I do?”
“Dude, just because a girl says she understands all your little rules doesn’t mean they didn’t fall for that pretty boy face of yours. You get them all dickmatized and then they’ll agree to anything you say. Trust me, you left plenty of girls crying in their cereal the morning after, Mick. You just weren’t there to witness it. And the difference between you and I? I have always known I didn’t want this lifestyle to last forever. I know that the one is out there and I’ll find her one day. Until then…”
“I think you’re wrong, and even if it’s true I never promised anything to anybody.” I reply knowing that I sound indignant and I’m ignoring his last comment about finding the one, but I can’t help it. I’ve always told myself there wasn’t just one person out there and because I made my intentions clear, girls wouldn’t get hurt when I didn’t stick around.
“You may think I’m wrong but you have broken plenty of hearts. Just remember…payback’s a dirty bitch Mick, and her stripper name is Karma,” He walks away and leaves me to mull over his last statement about karma and to fill another drink order. I sure do wish it was busier in here tonight but it’s a Wednesday. It’s steady, but not busy enough to avoid Dr. Johannson and his therapy session and movie quotes.
A few minutes later, Riley is back with another lager that he sets down in front of me.
“Last one, Mick. You don’t need to get drunk, you need to figure out how to get the girl.”
“I don’t want the girl, Ry.”
“Mick, who do you think you’re talking to?”
I know he’s right, but fuck, I don’t know what I’m doing. “She has a boyfriend.”
“Bullshit, she told you she was just lonely and that she didn’t love him. She’s waiting for you to grow a pair and make a decision.”
Feeling lost and knowing he’s right I look my best friend in the eyes, and see the concern projected from them. This isn’t just about him trying to give me a hard time; he cares. “What the hell do I do, Ry?”
“Do you want more?” He asks, already knowing the answer.
I simply nod my reply.
“Well, then…Go. Get. Her. One thing you need to remember though…she’s not just any girl. She’s Alex. We all love her. If you do this…shit, Mick, if you do this you need to be sure. She’s like a sister to me and if anybody hurts her, you know I will step in. All three of those girls are family to me, and I want them to be safe and happy. Do you think you can give that to her? Can you take care of her like she deserves to be?” he asks and again I just nod. “You hear me, brother?”
&nb
sp; “I hear you,” I say as he moves a few feet to my left and helps one of the blondes again.
I do hear him. Hearing him lay it out like that makes it even clearer that I really don’t know what I’m doing, and that this is a bigger deal than I had even considered. Can I do this? Can I do more? My mind is now more of a mess than it was before I set my ass on this stool. I need to get out of here.
I am just getting ready to tell Riley to close out my tab, when one of the blondes walks over and introduces herself.
“Hi, I’m Jessica,” she says extending her hand to me.
“Mick, nice to meet you,” I say as I take her hand in mine.
She sticks around for a few minutes and I try to make conversation with her, but it’s painful. It’s nothing like talking to Alex. With Alex, talking is one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. This…making small talk with a stranger…this is not easy. It always was in the past, but for some reason…every girl I meet these days bores me.
I see Riley out of the corner of my eye, lift my hand and motion like I’m writing something—the universal sign that I want to pay my bill and go. “It was really nice to meet you, Jessica, but I’m getting ready to head out.”
“Well, that’s too bad,” she coos as she touches my shoulder and then glides her fingers down my arm. “Can I give you my number?” Wow, this girl has no shame. Did I really go for this shit in the past? Yes, I did, and I would have jumped on this chick in a hot second if she was this willing, just weeks ago. Now, if I’m being honest, it feels kinda gross.
“Ah thanks, that’s real sweet of you, but no thank you,” I say as Riley hands me my credit card, bill and a pen. I sign the bill, leave him a big tip as always—he does give me an employee discount—and give him a wave goodbye.
I hear Jessica say, “What a dick.” As I walk out the doors that lead to 2nd Avenue. I cannot disagree with you, darling. I am a dick; I just didn’t realize it until tonight.
CHAPTER
TEN
Starving
Alex
December
It’s been a month since Mick and I have seen each other, and to say I was excited, yet nervous, to see him would be an understatement. The last time I saw him was at Bob’s funeral, but we didn’t get a chance to talk as he was doing Honor Guard duty. The wedding seems so long ago, and I can’t help but picture him with Amber. I remember seeing them talk at the reception and it hurt. It hurt more than it should have. Even though I’m the one that set it up, and Amber told me that nothing happened between the two of them, I still remember how it felt. I know that if I don’t keep my distance I’ll end up feeling that way over and over again.
Kevin is still making his presence known, but I’ve only had to endure him a total of eight days in the last month or so. Those eight days have left their mark. He hasn’t left any physical evidence but his abuse is real. He has made it perfectly clear that I am his. He has also made it crystal clear that he is not mine, and that he can do what he wants, when he wants and with whomever he wants.
He disgusts me.
I disgust me.
Luckily there are no immediate visits planned and I feel like I can breathe again if only for a little while. If he knew that I was going to be spending my evening in the same house as Mick…well, I don’t even want to think about that.
I can’t wait to see Cami and Emily at Ireland’s party. Just like the horror that lived inside my home growing up, they don’t know anything about Kevin’s abuse. Just like they never knew about my dad. I don’t know why I don’t tell them. Pride? Fear of seeing the pity in their eyes? Shame? I don’t know exactly why, but for some reason I have never trusted my two best friends with the things in my life that aren’t pretty.
I hope that my weight loss isn’t too noticeable. I haven’t had much of an appetite this last month. The stress of Kevin and the madness of missing Mick has my appetite playing a disappearing act. Not to mention the 24 hours or so after each of Kevin’s visits where I spend endless hours with my head in the toilet trying to repel every touch, every threat, every degrading word.
As I pull up to Mick’s house, I give myself a moment to prepare. I need to walk in and act like I don’t miss Mick every single day. That thoughts of him don’t occupy nearly every second of every day. That it’s not the thought of him that gets me through the horrible nights with Kevin. That I don’t wish his voice was the last I heard every night. I also need to be sure that I don’t clue the girls in. I know that Emily’s world is Ireland and Jonathan right now, but she is still pretty perceptive and doesn’t usually miss a thing. Then there’s Cami. She’s trouble. If she does notice something she will call me out, right then and there. That girl doesn’t pull any punches.
I finally step out of my car and nervously make my way to the front door. I have Ireland’s gift in one hand and my digital 35 mm camera around my neck, like usual. Having the weight of my camera around my neck brings me the balance that it almost always does. It has always been my security blanket. Hopefully, it will keep me distracted and away from Mick tonight.
I can hear Ireland giggling the moment I walk in and the sight that I see in the family room takes my breath away. Instinctively, I raise my camera up and capture the moment. A moment where the most devastatingly handsome man I have ever seen has the cutest little girl in the world in his arms, and he is tickling her mercilessly. She’s laughing so hard she can barely catch her breath, and the smile on his face is picture perfect; one I will never forget.
Taking the friendship I shared with Mick before Kevin came back into the picture, the support he’s given his sister during all that she’s been through with Jonathan and her stalker, our amazing night all those years ago and add the scene before me to that equation, Mickey Jacobs seems almost perfect.
“Hey Alex,” Mick says breaking the spell that seeing the two of them together has me under.
He sets Ireland down and helps fix her princess dress. She comes running over to me yelling, “Auntie Alex!” I squat down, drop her present and move my camera just in time to catch her as she jumps into my arms and gives me one of her awesome Ireland hugs. This little girl really is something special.
“Hey Ireland! Happy birthday, little lady!” I let her go but take her by the hand and spin her around and say, “You look beautiful! I love your dress. You have got to be the prettiest five-year-old I know!”
“Thank you, Auntie Alex. You look pretty too,” she says as she takes my hand and tries to spin me around too. I help her out by just turning on my own. When I come back around to face Ireland, I see that Mick hasn’t moved from the spot where he was previously tickling his niece and he’s staring at me.
I can hear Ireland chatting away but I don’t really hear her. Outwardly paying attention I throw in a “Really?” and a “Uh, huh.” But I don’t hear a word. It’s impossible to hear anything with those chocolate eyes staring back at me. We just stand there with our gazes never leaving one another’s while Ireland continues to swing my hand while she talks a mile a minute about her party.
Finally, Emily saves the day and comes over to give me a hug. “Baby Girl, I know you’re excited but you need to take a breath and let Auntie Alex get through the front door.”
Emily pulls my eyes from Mick’s and to my friend. “She’s fine, Em. Just a little excited. I get it. You only turn five once right, Ireland?” I say looking around Em and down at Ireland’s chocolate eyes that match Mick’s. No wonder she’s a special kid. When Emily is your mom, and Mick is your uncle, you know you come from some good stock.
Pulling myself out of my head and remembering where I am and why, I ask. “So, where do the presents go, Em?”
She points to the table set up across the room and I head in that direction. I drop the present off and pause as I look at all the cute wrapping paper. Man, the creators of Frozen are making a pretty penny if this table and Ireland’s dress is any indication.
I take a couple of pictures of all the presents, and just as I
’m about to walk away I feel his presence. He doesn’t have to touch me to know he’s there. I feel him any time he’s in close proximity. It’s not like when Kevin is near and I feel cold and sick. No, when Mickey Jacobs is around I feel warm. Excited. Happy.
“Hey Alex, you gonna say hi?” he asks standing right next to me…pretending to look at the presents.
I turn my head to look at him and say, “Hey Mick. How’s it going? Your place looks great all decked out like it is today. You might want to consider keeping some of this princess stuff up after the party. It’s you,” I say with a wink. A wink! I just winked at him. Am I flirting with him already? So much for keeping my distance!
“Oh, you think so do you? Well, maybe I’ll consider it. Ireland seems to think you have impeccable style and I do agree with her…you look very pretty today, Alex,” he says this as he ever so lightly bumps his shoulder into mine.
I can feel myself blushing and quietly I say, “Thank you.” I know that I need to get away from him so I say, “I’m gonna go see if Em needs any help. Talk to you later.”
He doesn’t say anything and he lets me walk away.
For the rest of the party we keep our distance, but I catch him watching me several times. When I do catch him, he doesn’t look away. He makes it perfectly clear that he wants me to know that he’s watching me. Besides the stares we only exchange a few words in passing. I continue to document the day for Emily and marvel at the love in the room.
Ireland is one lucky little girl.
While in the crowded kitchen helping Emily hand out cake, he puts his hand on the small of my back to scoot by me so that he can get a plate out of the cupboard. The feel of his touch on my body, even through my clothes, was all it took to let my guard down. As he stood behind me with his hand on my back I couldn’t help but lean against him. As my back ever so lightly pressed against his chest his hand curved around my hip and he gave me a squeeze. The moment only lasted seconds, but it was more than enough to forget the many reasons why moments like these shouldn’t happen. Feeling me pull away, he gets his plate and steps away.