by Amy Lynn
The baby makes a soft gentle noise, and as she puts her hand on the mound of blankets, I see a hint of blue on the tiny hat he is wearing. “I know this is ripping you apart inside, Ava,” Jessica said snapping me from my thoughts. “I understand you probably won’t ever want to see me again, but if you’d like to ask me anything in the future, Abram knows how to get in touch with me.” She rises from the table and picks up the infant carrier from the chair next to her.
“Wait.” I look between her and Abe. “You said you had answers about the brunette from the photo?”
Jessica gives a tight smile. “I’ve told you my part. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through.” She says through teary eyes, “I never meant to hurt you.”
As much as I wanted to hate her and curse her seven ways to Sunday, I see the sadness in her eyes and hear the sincerity in her voice when she said those words. Laying my hand on her arm I say, “I know.” Tears flow down her cheeks and she quickly wipes them away, gave me a sliver of a smile, and leaves.
Abe immediately signals the waitress, and she places two blueberry muffins in front of us.
“Eat,” Abe says.
“I’m not hungry.”
“I never said you were, but I don’t like how pale your face looks right now, so eat the damn muffin.”
I take a tiny bite and set the pastry back on my plate.
“When you told me yesterday you had heard something about Brad and wanted to know if it was true, I thought you were referring to his affair with Jessica and the pregnancy. When you showed up at my apartment last night and showed me the photo, I initially didn’t know who the girl was but after a bit of research, I finally got the proof I’d been waiting for. You see, I dated the girl in that photo a few months ago except she had blonde hair then. It took a little while for me to piece it together. Her name is Heidi, and I broke it off with her the second I heard she was fucking someone else. When I confronted her about it, she said she’d end it with the other guy, but she wasn’t worth my time. I don’t like rumors or sloppy seconds.”
My whole body is completely numb. Or maybe it’s shock. Either way, I don’t feel anything. My mind, however, is a different story. I have a million questions with very little answers to even attempt to make sense of it all.
Abe takes my hand. “I never lied to you, Ava. I did keep Jessica a secret, and I’m sorry about that. Believe me; I wanted to tell you about Brad more than anything. I just couldn’t risk losing you or our friendship. When I found out Jess was pregnant, I met with her and asked if she’d agree to meet with you after the baby was born. Initially she said no but changed her mind when Brad relinquished all parental rights. She thought you should know the truth about your husband.”
I feel the tears in my eyes and instead of fighting to hide them, I let them roll freely down my cheeks. Abe quickly wiped them away with his thumb and mumbled things under his breath I couldn’t make out as his other hand softly caressed my shoulder. A part of me wanted to sit right here and let Abram Kent console me until the pain went away, but as much as I hate the thought, I need to talk to Brad. I wanted answers, and I needed to know why.
“I should go.”
“You’re probably right. However, I’ve seen bigger bites taken out of a muffin by a mouse, so you’re not moving a muscle until you eat every last bit of it.”
I met his eyes, his baby blues warm and sympathetic, but the set of his tense jaw said he wasn’t playing.
Picking up the muffin, I tear off little pieces and slowly begin to eat. After the third or fourth bite, it starts to taste good, like really good. Suddenly I’m shoving in blueberry muffin faster than a dozen men at a hot dog eating contest.
Abe hands me a latte, and I take a few sips taking pleasure in hiding behind the cup. I discreetly wipe my lips free of any crumbs.
“Would you like anything else?” Abe asks.
I shake my head. “No, thank you.”
I slowly rise from the table, and this time, I had no protests from Abe.
“You know to call if you need anything, right?” Abe asks.
I nod a quick yes.
“Day or night…Promise me.”
“I promise,” I answer.
It took all I had to walk away from him. I wasn’t ready for the harsh truth awaited, and for the first time ever, I was terrified of what the future held for our marriage.
When I arrive home, Brad’s car is parked in the garage, and I’m not really sure what that means. Is he waiting for me to come home and expecting a confrontation, or is he packing his things to move in with one of his many girlfriends?
Brad is sitting at the kitchen island with his head buried in his hands, and I can’t bring myself to look at his face. I want all of the answers, yet I’m silently begging him not to speak.
“Ava.”
Just the sound of my name on his tainted lips makes my blood run cold, and I am instantly angry. Lips that held another woman’s kiss, tasted parts of her body…As much as I want answers, I underestimated just how hard it is to see him after last night.
“Do not say my name again.” I feel that nausea slowly start to creep back in, and I place a hand on my stomach in hopes of settling it. Worried, Brad takes a step towards me, and I put a hand out to stop him. I can’t do this. Not now. I needed to get out of here and as far away from him as possible.
Going to the hall closet in the foyer, I get out the large suitcase.
“What are you doing?” Brad asks.
Ignoring his question, I grab the handle and begin carrying it upstairs. I don’t need to see him to know that he is right behind me. When I get to the top step, Brad jumps in front of me.
“Please don’t do this. I made a huge mistake. Can’t we just talk about it?”
“You want to talk about it? What would you like to admit first? How you’ve been fucking some girl behind my back or the fact that you got another pregnant?” I scream.
Brad’s mouth drops open at the mention of Jessica, and I rather enjoy seeing him speechless.
“I feel sorry for Jessica. She was played by you just like I was, but the woman I caught you with last night, well, as much as I hate her, I envy her.”
“She doesn’t mean anything to me. She’s a whore.”
“She’s a whore you wanted, Brad. You gave her a part of you I never had.”
“We can work this out, go to counseling. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“You got another woman pregnant Brad! Got. Her. Pregnant!”
“Stop saying that!” Brad yells back at me.
“No! You want me to forgive you, but how would you feel if you caught me having sex with another man? You surprise me at work only to find me lying flat on my back across my desk while another man pounds into me.”
“Stop it!”
“Or how about if you found out I was pregnant?” I continued. “How would you feel if I was carrying Abram Kent’s baby?”
Suddenly Brad grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me. “Shut up!” he demands.
But I can’t. “Would you be talking forgiveness if the tables were turned, and you found out I had kissed another man? That his lips had been on parts of my body I’ve never given you access to? That I chose to carry another man’s baby inside my body instead of yours?” I shout.
Then just like that, I am flying backwards through the air. Everything begins moving in slow motion, and my arms flail about as they desperately try to grab onto something solid. My eyes land on Brad, and I reach for him, but he simply takes a step back and watches me fall from the landing he pushed me from.
My back hits the stairs first, and everything goes black.
Chapter 25
Ava
I walked barefoot in an endless field of lavender, my fingertips grazing along the flowered spiky tips as the setting sun glowed red on the horizon. Butterflies danced on the light breeze as the rapid flutter of hummingbirds wings tattooed about. Taking a deep breath, I filled my lungs with the calming natu
ral scent and was overcome with such peace and joy I wondered if I had been given a tiny glimpse into heaven. Holding out my index finger, a monarch landed gracefully and gently flexed his beautiful wings. I felt the sensation deep in my stomach, but how could that be? The feeling was like nothing I have ever experienced, and I involuntarily cradled my stomach and felt for the first time my very round pregnant belly. I gasped in surprise, tears springing to my eyes as butterflies continued to gracefully fly about. Each time the beautiful creatures landed on me, another sensation rolled deep inside me. This time, my skin visibly moving as the baby inside me exercised its limbs. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I sank to my knees amongst the lavender hugging the tiny angel that flourished inside me.
I now understood it wasn’t eternal heaven I had been given a glimpse into. It was my heaven.
Motherhood.
Suddenly, the tranquility started to slip away as the air turned dry and cold and hands I couldn’t see began touching me. I fought desperately to hold onto the bliss I was in, but I felt the warm glow of the sunlight leave my face and panicked voices replaced the buzz of the hummingbirds’ winged heartbeat. Reaching out, I wrapped my fingers around a bundle of lavender, the tiny flowers feeling like silk against my palm before the blooms crumbled and fell like ashes to the earth beneath me.
My heaven was disappearing fast, and I knew my time here had come to an end. I took one last look at my picturesque surroundings as I caressed my pregnant belly. Tears trailed down my cheeks as the scent of lavender began to disappear. I kept my eyes on my white satin gown, skin stretched beautifully taught beneath. I imagined ten tiny fingers and toes, a sweet round face with cherubic features, hair as soft as silk, and an indescribable love. “I love you,” I whispered. My unborn miracle answered by moving inside of me, the sensation feeling just like wings of a butterfly beneath my skin. The scent of antiseptic replaced the lavender as the light began to fade and darkness descended as I felt my baby move inside me for the last time.
“Ava?”
I recognize Caroline’s voice, but everything is dark.
“Open your eyes, honey.” She sounded so far away.
On the third attempt, she comes into view under heavy eyelids as does the bright light from the window. I squint at her fuzzy silhouette, and after a couple of blinks, I am finally able to focus on her.
Caroline gives me a concerned smile. “Do you know where you are, sweetheart?” she asks. “You’re in the hospital,” she says before I am able to answer. “Everything’s going to be okay.”
Placing a hand on my stomach, I allowed the truth to reveal itself, though my mind and heart already knew.
I rolled onto my side, my body tender and sore, and allowed the sobs to take over. I knew in my heart as I lay here in this hospital bed that I’d had a miscarriage.
Caroline climbed into bed and held me tight in her arms. “Do you need me to get a nurse?”
I nod my head as she gently strokes my hair, my tears dampening her designer blouse. I want to speak to a nurse. I need to know what injuries my body had sustained from the fall and confirm that I had lost my baby. Right now, I was going to lay here in Caroline’s arms and fall apart.
After several long minutes Caroline asks, “How did this happen?”
I swallow. “It was my fault.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
There was a light tap on the door and the sound of dress shoes echoing on the tile floor behind the curtain. Abe comes into view, and when his eyes fall on me, he quickly shifts his gaze to Caroline. “Am I interrupting?”
“No.” I said, my voice raspy from the dry hospital air. “Come in.”
Abe cautiously approaches the bed as Caroline leaves to give us a few moments alone.
Abe slides his cool hand beneath mine and clasps my fingers mindful of the IV. “Are you alright?” he asked.
I feel a lone tear streak down my face.
“No.” I answer honestly. “But I suppose with time, I’ll learn to heal.”
“I’m here for you, Ava. Whatever you need, it’s yours.”
I squeeze his hand and wipe away my tear. “I know.”
Hearing the sound of the door again, I look up to see a nurse peek her head around the blue curtain and give Abe the once and twice over before she addresses me.
“You’re awake! I’ll check your vitals and send the doctor in to speak with you shortly.”
I nod. When she comes further into the room, I see Brad is standing behind her. He looks at Abe, then at our clasped hands, and then to me.
Abe straightens when he catches sight of Brad, taking in a big breath of air making his chest puff out. He doesn’t bother letting go of my hand, and right now, I’m glad he doesn’t. I love the silent protection he is offering.
The nurse, Tracy, as her uniformed scrub top reads, begins performing her routine check, and the little vixen makes sure she brushes against Abe a time or two in the process.
“Um, excuse me, but could you let go of your wife’s hand for a moment?” she asks blushing brightly.
Abe smiles and brings my hand to his lips where he places a tender kiss. “Be quick.”
She reddens further and resumes her evaluation nervously as Abe carefully observes.
I don’t look at Brad, but I can feel he is still there, hands in his pockets, eyes on Abe, seething with unspoken anger. Honestly, I couldn’t care less.
Caroline comes back into the room with Paul by her side, both of them giving Brad a sideways glance as they walk past him to my bedside.
Caroline kisses my cheek and whispers, “Do you want him here?”
“I do for now.”
I knew she didn’t understand why, but soon she would.
Paul gives my arm a tiny loving squeeze and nods to Abe, who is still standing at my bedside.
There is a tiny knock at the door and a middle-aged woman enters holding my chart in her hands. “Ava, I’m Doctor Isabelle White. How are you feeling? Any pain?”
“Physically? Just a bit sore from the fall.”
She presses her lips together and nods, making a note in her chart. “You have some severe bruising to your hip, back, and stomach area, but no broken bones. You managed to avoid a concussion as well. You’re lucky.”
Tears well in my eyes. “My baby wasn’t.”
Caroline gasps when she hears the news and instantly covers her mouth in horror. Paul puts his arm around her shoulder and takes my hand in his other. Abe simply freezes.
“Ava was pregnant?” Brad asks from his space across the room.
Dr. White turns to Brad. “Yes, she was.”
“How far along?" he asks.
“Twelve weeks.”
Brad takes a few steps into the room and meets my eyes. “Was it mine?”
All the eyes in the room land on him, including my own. My blood boiled at the sight of him. The fact he just asked about my faithfulness in a room full of my closest friends while he had two mistresses I knew nothing about had me wanting to put him in a hospital bed of his own.
Tears flowed over my cheeks, as I thought back on my earlier dream and the happiness I had felt with life growing inside me. “As much as it pains me to say, yes, Bradley. The baby was yours.”
Caroline’s shoulders shake as she cries. Paul pulls her further into him and squeezes my hand tighter in silent sympathy. When Abe finally moves, it isn’t to comfort me. It’s to get his hands on Brad.
Dr. White must have sensed what was coming and was quick enough to guard the path with her hands outstretched between the two men. With her hands on Abe’s chest holding him back, Dr. White explains if he can’t hold his anger, he’d be escorted from the property.
Paul goes to Abram’s side and gives him one of those gentlemanly pats on the back that I’ve never understood while never speaking a word. It helps to calm him a bit. Abe’s shoulders release the tension they are holding, and the anger in his face eases a bit. Abe raises a finger to say something to Brad, but unabl
e to form words, he lets his hand rake through his soft wavy hair and fall to his side.
Confident there wouldn’t be an altercation, Dr. White said she would be back later with instructions on how to care for my miscarriage. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Yes. When you leave,” I say with clarity and nod in Brad’s direction, “take him with you. I don’t want him here.”
“Ava. Please don’t do this.”
I ignore his pleas as Dr. White leads Brad from my room.
******
The next few days are a complete blur. I cry. I get angry. I grieve. Most of all, I know I need time and distance away from Brad for clarity and, more than anything else, safety. Caroline and Paul insist I stay with them until I recover and allow me the time to make a proper decision on how I want to proceed with Brad going forward.
I wonder when the train started to leave the tracks with us, or if our wheels were ever really on the tracks to begin with. I felt I tried my hardest to make it work with him. I never imagined my relationship with Brad would ever develop these kinds of problems but when your partner stops making even a tiny effort in your relationship; it becomes a heavy load for one person to bear. I did it. I did it for us. I did it all for love until love finally broke me.
With a tiny knock on the door, Caroline enters with a breakfast tray.
“You have to stop waiting on me hand and foot.”
“Just let me do this. Besides, I quite enjoy it.” With a smile, she sets the tray across my lap. “How are you feeling?”