Starving Faithful

by Amy Lynn

  “Better I guess? I don’t know. I’m just so confused right now.”

  “Do you think your marriage is worth saving?”

  Her blunt question struck a delicate cord with me, but she knew she didn’t have to hide behind niceties with me. “Caroline, there’s more to the story than Brad cheating on me with the brunette in the photo.” I take a deep breath. “He was also involved with a girl named Jessica and from the little I know about their relationship, it was ongoing and he…got her pregnant.”

  “Ava, please tell me that you’re kidding.”

  I shook my head. “I wish I was.”

  “Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry,” she said as she sweeps me up into a hug. “You are more than welcome to stay with us until you figure out what you want to do.”

  “Thank you. I think I just want to visit my parents for the holidays and break the news to them gently about Brad and his infidelity. I haven’t decided if I’m going to tell them about the miscarriage yet. It may be too much to handle all at once.”

  “Paul and I will be there to support you every step of the way, darling.” She kisses me on the forehead. “Now eat your breakfast before it gets cold.”

  God. She’s a bossy as Abram Kent. Buttering a piece of toast, I top it with grape jam and take a big bite from the corner. As the sweetness explodes on my tongue giving me an instant rush, I think food just might be my best friend through all this heartache.

  Working on my second slice of toast, I decide, as much as I hate the thought of seeing Brad, I need him to know where I stand in our relationship before I leave for Hawaii.

  I retrieve my phone from the nightstand and send him a text.

  Caroline and Paul will bring me to the house tonight. If you’d like to talk, meet me there at five.

  A reply came almost immediately:

  I’ll be there. I miss you.

  When Paul pulls into my driveway, the house is lit from top to bottom. Brad’s car sits in the driveway rather than the garage, and there are freshly planted flowers in the terracotta pots on the front steps, even though it is way too cold for anything to thrive in this weather.

  Paul helps me from the car and leads me to the front door where Brad is already standing.

  Brad holds out his hand to help me. While I know he was trying to break the ice and help his wife, I couldn’t bring myself to accept. “Paul has me,” I say.

  I sit down carefully on the sofa, and Brad takes the seat opposite of me. Paul and Caroline say a simple hello to Brad, and Caroline leans down to whisper to me, “We’ll give you some privacy.”

  “No,” I say grabbing her hand. “You have to stay. Both of you.”

  Caroline gives me a concerned look slowly putting together the pieces she didn’t yet know. “Alright. We’ll stay.”

  She and Paul take a seat at the kitchen island where we can see one another, and I feel my anxiety decrease a little knowing I won’t be alone with Brad. I don’t think Brad would hurt me again at this point, but there are many things I thought he’d never do, and he proved me wrong on each of those.

  “I’ve been worried sick about you. I wanted to call or come by, but I didn’t think you wanted to see me.”

  “You’re right, I don’t.”

  Brad presses his lips together. “I deserve that.”

  “Brad, I…”

  “Hold that thought,” he interrupts, coming back minutes later from the den with a dozen red roses.

  He hands them to me, and all I can do is stare down at them. Did he think this would fix everything?

  When I don’t take them, he lays them down on the coffee table between us and sits back down. “Ava, I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll just start with I’m so very sorry. About everything.”

  “I need some time away from you, Brad, plain and simple.

  Brad nods. “I don’t like it and I’ll miss you like crazy, but if you think this is what you need to possibly forgive me one day, I’ll give you all the space you need.”

  “I’m not talking about forgiveness, Brad. I’ll never forgive you for what’s happened. I just need time to decide if I can look at your face every morning and night, knowing all you’ve done and not hate you for it.”

  I saw all hope drain from Brad’s expression. “I really fucked things up,” he said and buried his head in his hands. “I know you don’t believe me, but I love you.”

  I ignore his love sentiment. “I’m taking the trip to Hawaii you arranged for me to be with my parents, but I’ve extended the trip to a month instead of the original week.”

  “Ava. That’s too long!”

  “I’ve cleared everything with Mia, and I’ll return to work after the New Year. I won’t be taking calls from you during my stay, but you are free to leave me a voicemail.”

  “What am I supposed to do while you’re gone?”

  “Not getting anyone else pregnant is a good start. Saying goodbye to all your girlfriends wouldn’t be a bad idea either.”

  Rising gently from the sofa, I go upstairs to pack. If Brad truly loved me, he would give me the space I’m asking for and take the opportunity to get his life straight in the month I’d be gone.

  Brad comes into the bedroom just as I finish packing. “Are are you okay?” he asked as I zip up my full suitcase. “I mean, with the miscarriage and all?”

  “My body is healing, but I won’t ever be okay emotionally with that.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

  “Because I didn’t know, Brad.” I closed my eyes as images resurfaced from my dream. “My menstrual cycle has never been accurate, so when I was late and then missed my period altogether, I just thought it was the stress from everything…and…I just never thought anything of it.” I sit down on the bed. “Believe me, I wish I had known.”

  “I would have been happy with a baby,” he says.

  “You have one.”

  I see all the color leave Brad’s face. “Please. Let’s not talk about that right now, okay?” Reaching over, he picks up my suitcase and carries it down the stairs.

  Paul and Caroline met us in the foyer when they hear us coming down the stairs. As I take each step one by one, I think of my last trip down them, and my stomach sinks. I’d never look at this staircase the same again.

  Paul takes my suitcase from Brad and loads it into the car while Caroline waits for me to say my goodbye to Brad.

  “We’ll talk when I get back,” I say in a rush avoiding all eye contact with Brad.

  “Ava, I know I’ll never be able to take away your hurt or erase the terrible things I’ve done from your memory, but please know I never stopped loving you.”

  I reluctantly meet his eyes and see genuine unshed tears. Call me heartless, but I don’t have the energy to feel sorry for him.

  “Goodbye, Brad.”

  ******

  I board the plane to Hawaii a week later and while I’m looking forward to seeing my parents, I can’t wait to be alone with my thoughts. I know I have a lot of difficulty to face in my month’s stay in paradise. I hope I’ll return with a clearer head and know if my marriage to Brad is worth saving, or if I should simply cut my losses and move on. People always say when you’re grieving you should surround yourself with people who make you happy. I honestly don’t know how true that is, but right now, I want the complete opposite. I want to sort through everything on my own without having the influence of others’ opinions. Truthfully, I don’t care what anyone else thinks. When it comes time to make a decision, I’d do it, be happy I’ve come to a conclusion all on my own, and never look back.

  Little do I know, with thirty-three days of careful consideration, I still manage to make the wrong decision.

  Chapter 26

  Ava

  Monday,

  Six Months Later….

  I lay in bed as I watch the numbers on my alarm clock tick by, envious in the fact that it’s buzzing and keeping accurate time was its only daily task. After which, it’s free
to sit and simply exist for the next twenty-four hours, completely nil. I have to get up in eight minutes. My routine is something I never stray from if I want to keep the peace. I reach over, toggle the switch to the off position, and pull my aching body from the sheets, careful not to shake the bed when I rise. I tiptoe across the carpet and into the hall and quietly down the stairs. I flip on the light switch in the kitchen and turn on the coffee maker. Brad insists on taking a mug with him when he leaves the house in the morning, so I ready one next to the coffee maker as I always do.

  In a hurry to use the bathroom, I turn quickly and run smack dab into Brad who was standing directly behind me.

  “Jesus!” I blurt out as I cover my racing heart with my palm, thankful I didn’t wet myself right then and there. “I’m sorry Brad. Did I wake you? I tried to be quiet.”

  He ignores my question. “What are you doing?”

  Great…getting up early was not a good idea.

  “Making coffee,” I answer.

  “I see that, Ava. I’m not an idiot.” He eyes me speculatively, a permanent scowl on his face. “Couldn’t stay in bed with me another minute?”

  I wring my hands as I think carefully about the right thing to say. “I woke up and couldn’t sleep,” I say as he shifts even closer towards me. I feel my body involuntarily go stiff, and I instantly feel cold. “I was worried my tossing and turning might wake you, so I decided to get started early.”

  He slides his hand behind my neck, squeezing too hard for my liking. “Next time, stay. I hate it when you make me feel as if you’re trying to get away from me.”

  I force a tight smile.

  “Do we understand each other?” he asks.

  “Yes.”

  “Say you understand, Ava.”

  “I understand.”

  “Thought you might.”

  He releases me with a push. “Now, get my suit ready while I take a shower.”

  I follow him upstairs and press his suit while he showers. His suits were always dry cleaned, but he wants them pressed every morning regardless. While I press and listen to the running water of Brad’s shower, I attempt to ignore how badly I need to use the restroom and hope I can wait.

  Brad slips on his slacks and stands in front of me to dress him the rest of the way. I hold his white shirt open and slide it onto his shoulders, and as he turns to face me, I button each button. He tucks the shirt hem into his pants all on his own thank goodness, a task I’m shocked he didn’t reserve for me like he did everything else. The blue silk fabric of his necktie slides through my fingers as I effortlessly loop a Windsor knot, Brad’s favorite. As I lower the collar of his shirt back down, he quickly grabs both my wrists. “Too tight, do it again,” Brad sneers.

  As I untie and start over, I think he probably knows my desperate need to use the bathroom and is just dragging it out to punish and torture me.

  “Better,” he says after my second attempt at the Windsor. He takes a seat on the bench at the foot of the bed where I tie his shoes. He rises to grab his jacket off the hangar near the bedroom entrance. “Now, let’s eat. I‘m hungry.”

  That heated stare of his sizzles on my backside as he follows me down those tainted stairs and into the kitchen. He seats himself at the table and begins to check his email on his phone while I prepare breakfast. I hear him curse several times and blow out an exaggerated breath while I cook breakfast, and I ignore each and every one of them. Brad’s in charge of many high profile financial accounts these days, and I’m sure his clients are just as big of a pain in the ass as Brad is to me. I wouldn’t know anything about his work or what he does because I’m no longer allowed to ask anything unless I’m directly addressed. Another hard lesson learned as he called it.

  A stinging pain down below snaps me from my thoughts, and I squeeze my legs together silently praying I would make it to the bathroom the minute he left for work.

  I place the hot plate of breakfast in front of him with a glass of orange juice. Deciding I could no longer hold it, I turn quickly on my heels to go to the bathroom.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” he asks grabbing onto my wrist.

  “To the bathroom.”

  He shakes his head at me. “You can wait,” he gestures to the chair next to him with his fork. “Come sit with me,” he says with a mouth full of scrambled eggs.

  I sit down and stare out the window at the pink dawn of the morning. It reminds me of the beautiful Hawaiian sun in the early morning and evening. I’d give anything to be back there again with my toes in the sand.

  “Lose the scolded puppy face, Ava. I just want to be with you before I go to work. Is that so much to ask?”

  “Not at all. I’m sorry.”

  I watch as the pink turns to light, an eerie silence between us, as he ate unnaturally slow. I clear his plate from the table when he finishes and place it in the sink, as he follows behind me.

  “Forgetting something?” he asks.

  I look around quickly to see what I missed. Forgetting to remove the cap from his travel mug, I twist and place it on the counter. He shakes his head in disbelief that I could forget such a thing, and I think about what a jerk he is for thinking he can’t simply remove it himself.

  He pours the coffee and waits for me to secure the top.

  “What are your plans for today?” he asks.

  Getting far away from you. “It’s Monday, so the grocery store,” I answer.

  In a movement so quick and precise, he slaps me hard across the cheekbone. “Don’t get smart with me, Ava. I know what fucking day of the week it is.”

  Brad looks at his stinging hand and shakes it as if removing a little piece of me from it. He grabs my face hard, forcing me to look at him. “Don’t be late,” he commands. “I hate it when you’re late.”

  He kisses me forcefully on the lips and whispers, “Don’t forget what else is planned on Mondays.”

  I cringe just before he pushes me away thinking of our usual Monday night filled with fifteen minutes of unsatisfying sex.

  Brad leaves twenty minutes later than he usually does this morning and the minute his car leaves the driveway, I sprint to the bathroom.

  I don’t make it.

  After I clean up the mess and recover what’s left of my dignity, I take a long shower and afterwards call Caroline.

  “Ava, are you okay?” She asks.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Do you need to stop by and see Paul?”

  “You can see for yourself when I get there. You be the judge.”

  “Alright, I’ll be here all day waiting for you. I love you, Ava.”

  “Love you too, Caroline.”

  Caroline and Paul are my only refuge these days. They both know about how abusive Brad was in the past and now currently. Paul often sees me secretly when Brad gets carried away and loses his temper. Brad’s never hurt me seriously, but Caroline and Paul think it’s only a matter of time until he does, and I agree. They both want me to leave Brad, just as much as I do. I just have to make sure that once I leave, I will be rid of him for good. There is no coming back for me this time. I just had to wait for the perfect opportunity. In the meantime, I’d continue to prepare like Caroline and I agreed.

  I grab two outfits from the closet, putting one on and leaving the other on the hangar. I’ve been taking clothes from my closet a little at a time, making an escape bag, which Caroline keeps hidden in the trunk of her car. In the event I have the opportunity to flee in a hurry, I’m already packed.

  I grab two pairs of shoes, wearing one, placing the other with the getaway outfit, and toss my hair in a ponytail. The mark on my cheek was red and already starting to turn a little blue. Dabbing on a little concealer, I hoped it would hide the mark until I returned home.

  I do my grocery shopping in record time and rush to Caroline and Paul’s.

  “He really did a number on you.” Caroline winces as she examines my cheek.

  Retrieving her digital camera, she pops in the
small micro disk that holds all the images of my past abuse. A few months ago when I broke down and told Caroline that Brad had become abusive and pleaded with her not to call the police, she insisted we begin documenting everything. I knew now giving Brad a second chance was the worst decision I have ever made. When I finally get the chance to leave him and I will, I’ll have documented evidence when I file for divorce. I’ll be rid of Brad once and for all.

  Turning to the side, I expose my cheek, which is tender, swollen, and visibly blue through the concealer, and she takes several pictures from different angles, even getting close-ups. There is a bruise on the back of my neck where he grabbed me earlier that morning that I hadn’t even noticed. Caroline swept my ponytail to the side and documented that too.

  “Do you think I need to see Paul?”