by Hughes, Maya
She nipped my lip, and the sharp bite sent my body into overdrive. My cock strained against the leg of my jeans. How long had it been since I’d tasted her? Too long. Leaving her lips for more than a second was too much. Even a breath of air was too long.
We broke apart, panting, staring into each other’s eyes. I wanted more with no winter coats, drunk passersby, or anyone or anything else in our way. The universe was conspiring to keep this from happening, and the roadblocks were driving me insane.
Resting my forehead against hers, I smiled against her lips.
“I missed you when you were away.” She stared into my eyes like I’d hung the moon and the stars.
Her hands slipped under my coat, and she wrapped her arms around me. Her fingers trailed up and down my back in a short gentle path. Swallowing against the lump in my throat, I closed my eyes.
“Liv—” The twin chorus of our phones went off again. We groaned. She held on to me, squeezing me tighter. For a second I thought she’d let it keep ringing and try to preserve this moment. Then she loosened her hold and dropped her arms, taking her phone out.
“Marisa’s a little on edge. Dinner with her dad didn’t go well. I’d better get back up there.” She peered up at the building beside us.
I cursed under my breath. Snapping our phones in half or flushing them down the toilet the next time we saw each other seemed like a better idea by the minute.
She laughed and gave me another peck on the cheek. “Looks like our time’s up again.” A sad smile lifted the corner of her lips. “One of these days we’ll get the timing right.” She opened the door to her building and stepped inside.
The ringing in my pocket started up again. I watched her go, then grabbed my phone, frustration bubbling to the surface. “What?”
18
Liv
Laughs and screams came from the street below. People walked and ran on the sidewalks, enjoying a warm snap that would quickly be swallowed up by the cold weather the city hadn’t seemed to be able to shake. The last pockets of snow clung to the pavement, holding on for dirty, nearly melted life.
Ford was away again, traveling the country and now on a plane back home, which meant I didn’t get one of his nightly calls to kick me out of my textbooks before I passed out. On this night, though, I had another call to drag me away from the stack of practice exams with a stranglehold around my neck—a call with Grant. I fumbled my phone when the screen lit up. My knee bounced up and down as I tapped the green button on my screen. I’d been dreading this conversation, and I couldn’t dodge it any longer.
“Hey, Grant.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and paced the length of my room. There wasn’t much space for pacing, but it would have to do. This was not how I wanted to end my seven-hour study session.
“Hey, Liv.” He was in a crowded place, voices mingling and mashing in the background into the soundtrack of college life. “I know you’re busy, but I wanted to know if you wanted to go see a movie this weekend.”
“I can’t this weekend.” I can’t ever. Just say the words. It would make him hate me, and then Ford and I would really never happen—at least not until the dust settled. Once Grant found someone else, he’d forget about even asking me out on a date.
“How about next week?” Even through the phone, I could tell he had on his devil-may-care killer smile. It was an instant panty dropper to a lot of people, but it wasn’t for me.
“It’s not a great time. Midterms will be coming up soon. Then I’ve got to study for the MCAT again.” I stared at the framed beach picture beside my bed. Grant had come down one weekend. The four of us stood smiling for the camera with the wind whipping my hair, our arms around each other’s shoulders and big, broad smiles that only came from carefree times like those.
“All I’m talking about is going out for dinner.”
“I know, but things are so busy. I’m sure you’re dealing with that too.”
“You weren’t too busy to get something to eat with Ford.” The sadness seeped through each word.
I stared up at the ceiling. This was me coming between them. This was me making it worse. Someone knocked on the front door. I peered out my bedroom door and saw Marisa walk out of her bedroom to answer it.
“That was just getting food with a friend.”
Closing my door halfway, I sat on the edge of my bed.
My door creaked open, and Ford stood there blocking out most of the light from the hallway. The full-body awareness of his presence snapped into place. I couldn’t hold back my smile. His forehead creased, and he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.
I covered the end of the phone with my hand. “What are you doing here?”
“They moved my flight up earlier. Who are you talking to?” He motioned to the phone.
My eyes widened, and a lump formed in my throat.
“I’m not your friend?” Hurt radiated from his voice. “I could really use someone to talk to. We’ve known each other forever. I shared stuff with you, Liv, things I haven’t shared with anyone else.” Grant’s voice brought me right back to this current issue.
My shoulders sank. “You did, and of course you’re my friend, one of my oldest, and I wouldn’t want to lose that.” I took a deep breath. Ford’s success and reputation had always cast a shadow over Grant. Coming in second no matter what could mess with someone’s head. “I don’t want to lose that.” I ran my hand along the back of my neck, squeezing at the tension bunched there. “We can grab some coffee next week after my Tuesday class? There’s a place on the far end of your campus. We can meet halfway?”
“Excellent. Just text me when and where and I’ll be there.”
I ended the call and dropped the phone onto my bed.
“Did you just set up a date with my brother?”
Lifting my head, I peered up at Ford. He’d shoved his hands in his pockets.
“Not a date. I need to tell him in person there’s never going to be anything romantic between us, explain to him that he and I are better as friends. I should have just said that to him before even agreeing to that first date.”
The bed sank beside me as Ford sat. His legs dwarfed mine.
“You were distracted…upset and hurting.” His lips pinched together.
“It’s no excuse for dragging someone else into this, and your brother…” I dropped my head into my hands.
Ford’s strong hands kneaded my shoulders. The tightness there slowly relented under his methodical and persistent touch. I bit my lip to keep from moaning.
“We’ll figure it out. I’ll talk to Grant.” He turned me sideways on the bed and shifted so I was nestled between his thighs. “Maybe I can help him understand.” He dropped a kiss on the back of my neck, and my eyes fluttered closed. Another kiss along the curve of my neck and I sank back into him. My body pressed against his, sending sparks of electricity through me. It should have been the easiest thing I’d ever done.
“What about Colm?”
His body went rigid behind me. Shit! I shouldn’t have said that. It was bad enough dealing with Grant; why did I have to bring up Colm? The electric charge of the room shifted, and he dropped his hands from my shoulders.
Shifting backward, he planted both feet back on the floor. Now it was his turn for a silent freak-out.
“That’s going to be harder to handle.” He glanced over at me with sadness in his eyes.
“What happened between you two? One minute you’re inseparable and the next there’s this weirdness.” I ran my hand along his forearm. His muscles bunched under my touch.
He shook his head and stared down at the floor. “Sometimes things get complicated real fast and you don’t know how to fix them.”
“Complicated how?”
“It’s something I need to work out with him first. It’s been building for a while.”
“Ford, tell me. Whatever it is, maybe I can help.” I looked into his eyes and saw they were clouded with doubt. Running m
y hand down his arm, I slid my other hand under his larger one and threaded my fingers through his.
He put his other hand over top of mine and smiled back. “I swear, it’ll be fine.” Leaning his forehead against mine, he stared into my eyes, fanning the glowing embers of my soul.
My phone pinged, but I wasn’t going to let someone else intrude on our moment again.
“Aren’t you going to get it?” He leaned back, breaking contact.
“I don’t want to.” The interruptions from my phone had never been good news. They were always one more thing added onto the teetering pile towering over my head.
He picked up my phone off the bed and handed it to me. I stared at the notification on the screen. My heart jumped, and my mouth went dry. I let go of his hands and hopped up. With my hands shaking, I tapped. My exam grade had come in: 99. My heart hammered in my chest and my fingers tingled. Are the lights going out or is that me?
Ford rushed back over to me. His hands gripped my shoulders. “Liv, what’s wrong?”
He sounded so far away. I was at the bottom of a well and the water was pouring down over me, filling my nose and throat. I couldn’t catch my breath, and the screen swam in front of my eyes.
“Liv.” He shook me, and my gaze shot to his.
I tried to breathe through the tightness in my chest. Licking my lips, I lifted the phone and turned it to him. He grabbed it and brought it closer to his face, staring at the screen.
His gaze bounced from the phone to me and back to the phone, keeping one hand on my shoulder. “You got an A. That’s a great score.” He turned on his megawatt smile, which always seemed to pull me out of whatever funk I was in, but it wasn’t doing the trick now.
I licked my dry lips. “It is.” So why did I feel like I was in need of a medical intervention? I kept waiting for that first inkling that I couldn’t do this, that I wasn’t cut out for med school. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if I just sucked? If the concepts didn’t stick and I couldn’t do it?
Shaking my head, I took the phone from his hand. “I have an A in the class, a perfect match with the average GPA of a UPenn med student—a 3.8. With organic chemistry and bio, I’ll have an A.” I leaned back against the door to my closet, resting my head against the cold wood. “Colm’s going to be so happy. I can retake the MCAT to give me an even better shot at acceptance.”
I’d have to cut back on dance. My brain was mush after a seven-hour practice exam. No way I’d be able to come up with choreography, let alone drag myself out of my apartment after that.
I tapped my shopping app on my phone. “I can get some study guides and start working on that this weekend. I was waiting until after the semester ended, but I need to start now.” My voice was desperation tinged with hysteria. A barrage of MCAT test prep options filled my phone; then it was plucked from my hands. “Give it back!” I reached for the glowing screen.
“Why does it sound like you’re walking to your own execution?”
“I’m not. I’m fine.” This was my life now. My good grade had cemented my future.
Ford traveling all the time would make things easier. I didn’t have to make any hard choices. I’d be buried under coursework for the next seven years of my life. The whole room winked in and out. Who is screwing with the lights?
“You need to calm down, Liv.” Ford grabbed my arms and held me up. “You’re breathing crazy fast.”
“Colm will be thrilled.” I’d have to tell him in a call and hear the excitement in his voice. I stared at the picture of us on top of my dresser, me standing there in my little lab coat, Colm in his hockey gear, our parents beside him. It was one of the few games they’d gone to his freshman year.
“What about you?” Ford ducked his head to catch my eye.
I licked my lips again. “What about me?” Who was I without this plan?
“This is not how someone normally reacts to great news like this. You’ve been busting your ass for this, working so hard, and you look like someone just told you Santa’s not real.”
“Santa’s not real?”
His lips thinned into a smooth line. “Knowing full well how this went the last time I asked this, I’m going to ask again: do you want to go to medical school?” His muscles tightened, bracing for my reaction.
“You don’t think I can do it?”
“That isn’t what I said. Stop looking for a reason to sidestep the question, and of course I do. You can do anything you set your mind to and you’re probably one of the most determined people I’ve ever met, but letting something suck out your soul, giving so much of yourself over to something you don’t even enjoy—that sounds like a one-way ticket to hating your life.”
“What else can I do? This has always been the plan.” My back slumped against the door.
“Whose plan? Your plan? Because you don’t look like someone who’s living by a plan they made for themselves.”
“My parents—”
Ford broke off and let go of my arms. “Exactly. Your parents didn’t exactly have their priorities straight when it came to what was best for you or Colm.”
I leaned over, resting my hands on my knees, feeling like I’d run a 5K.
“Look at how getting a grade most people would kill for makes you feel. How will this path ever make you happy? I’ve seen you when you dance, and you glow. Every word out of your mouth about it is like you’ve injected happiness straight into your veins.”
“But I can’t make a living off dancing.”
“That’s Colm talking. Your parents left you two more than enough to fend for yourselves, no matter what you decide to do.”
“Like not become a doctor.” It was the first time I’d said those words out loud. My chest tightened, and the room spun around me. Ford grabbed hold of me and helped me over to the bed.
“Lie down. Lie down and breathe, deep long breaths.”
I held on to him like a lifeline in a raging storm. “What about Colm?” The fabric of Ford’s shirt bunched under my grip.
“Don’t worry about that now. Just close your eyes.”
An overwhelming tiredness overcame me, like I hadn’t slept in years. Using his arm as a pillow, I threaded my fingers through his and let the thump of his heart against my back break the clawing hysteria clouding my mind.
He ran his hands up and down my arms before wrapping his around my stomach and tugging me close. The sensation of free falling disappeared with Ford as my anchor, and I drifted off to sleep, basking in his warmth and his scent. If I hadn’t been on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I might have tried something with him. We were finally in a bed together, after all. Maybe in the morning, I’d be more with it, would pounce on him and tie him down, but until then the safety of his arms was all I needed. Wrapped in them, I didn’t feel like the world could ever be as scary as I imagined, as hard and cruel as I already knew it to be.
19
Ford
“This is bordering on obsession. It’s been two years since you had two dates.” I sliced into my steak. My mouth watered at the perfectly cooked meat as I tried to inhale it. Leaving Liv that morning before she woke had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I’d left her a note and hustled over to practice, though I had thought about taking the fine from the team for missing practice and staying in bed with her all day.
The Fish’s crowd was heavier than usual, not that I usually came in on the weekend. It felt more like one of the trendier bars closer to Center City than my tucked-away hidden gem.
“It’s not like I haven’t dated anyone else since then, but I’ve always liked Liv.” Grant took a bite of his burger, getting ketchup all over his chin in the process.
I dropped my knife to the plate. “And things ended.”
“You think I don’t know that?” He put his burger down and wiped his face.
“Doesn’t sound like it to me.”
“I like her. She said we couldn’t date because premed was intense and she wanted to devote herself to sch
ool. From what you said, she’s killing it in school, so that’s not even a problem. I’m not dating anyone. She’s not dating anyone. It sounds to me like the stars have aligned.”
“Maybe you need to be devoting more time to school.” I pointed a steak fry at him.
Grant rolled his eyes. “My classes are going well, and you got me that internship for this summer, Dad, so everything’s all set.”
“You aren’t exactly graduating with honors.”
“College isn’t just about grades. It’s also about fun. You’d know that if you ever had any.”
I took another bite of my steak. “Just remember our deal: you slip below a 2.0 and you have to foot half the bill.”
“I have a 3.0, but thanks for the reminder.” He glared at me from across the table. “I don’t need you to remind me that I’m not a genius. Trust me, I know.”
“No one said you have to be a genius.”
“Could’ve fooled me. It’s not like I got the athletic genes in the family.” He jabbed his fork into his fries. “You wouldn’t understand. The world doesn’t lay everything out on a silver platter for mortals like me.”
“Where is this coming from? How has the world served up anything on a silver platter for me?”
“Mom always busted her ass for you. She traveled to your hockey games, paid for all new equipment for you every single season, and once you went pro, it was all airline tickets, fancy hotels, and sky box seats for her. Of course she still wanted to support you. Fuck what Grant might be doing. Does he have a diving meet? Maybe some other event Mom might want to attend? Whatever. Doesn’t matter.” He kept his gaze trained on his plate.
I froze with my hand halfway to my face. He’d never come on the trips I’d invited them both on, always saying he was busy. I had taken that as him not wanting to hang out with his mom and older brother. “Why are you only saying this now? How would I know if you didn’t tell me?”
“Maybe you should’ve known your brother might have things going on in his life that didn’t revolve around you.”