#
We went down the stairs. I saw the guy in the red suit that had brought me food. He stopped us and told us to take the rear exit. He pointed back behind the stairs. I guess the jinglely key guy was in front. I thanked him and tipped him again and headed for the back door. We went out into an alley with brick sides and trash dumpsters and fire escapes but there weren’t any box homes like in the alleys we’d see later. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I had boots on. We were walking kinda fast and she put a shawl on her head from the bag she was carrying so I couldn’t see her hair.
When we got out of the alley the street was starting to fill up with people. She wanted to get to a bus station so she asked someone for directions and I followed her. I thought about trying to get back to my car but then I figured I could always find it later. We went down a block and then into the subway. We bought tokens and came out on the other side of town. Beige cinderblock buildings were blocking the sun. I kinda forgot about him but I don’t think she did. She stared at the sidewalk and didn’t say anything to me.
At the station she went up to the clerk that sold tickets and I stood behind her. I picked up one of those sweepstake entry forms off the counter and started filling it out. I think it was for a ski trip but the destination was somewhere in New Mexico which I thought was weird. I wrote in my name but put my parent’s address down. After I put the form in the submission box I went over to see what she was doing.
“Yes, thanks.” She still had the shawl over her head. Actually it made her look kinda like an Ewok.
“How many tickets?”
I interrupted her talking to the clerk. “You look kinda like an Ewok.”
She looked at me and then back at the clerk. “Two please.”
I guess I was going to get to go with her wherever she was going to go.
“Where are we going?” She put some cash on the counter and picked up the tickets. “If you don’t mind me asking.”
“My grandparents’ place. We should be alright there.”
We sat down in a row of those seats with the built-in black and white TV’s waiting for the bus. I was thinking about putting some quarters in when this kid walked up to me with a cardboard box full of Kit-Kat bars.
“Excuse me sir, would you like to buy a Kit-Kat to support the Swimmy Fish Go team?” He looked like he was in middle school. Or maybe high school. What do I know?
“Ok. What are you raising money for?”
“For the Swimmy Fish Go team.”
“I mean what are you going to do with the money?”
“Um… I wasn’t told how to answer that question. It’s two dollars.”
I thought candy was only a dollar. “What? I thought it was only one dollar.”
“No it’s two so give me the money mister or I’ll yell and say you stole a candy bar from me.”
“Ok, ok.” I took my wallet out of my pocket and gave him a five-dollar bill. “I want change.”
“Sure mister. I’ll play fair.” He gave me a Kit-Kat bar and a two-dollar bill and a one-dollar bill. “Thanks.”
He walked past me and smiled at Mustardseed and then left the building.
After a while the bus came and we got on it. She sat next to me on the window side. I took a nap. While I was dozing I remember thinking I had came up with a card counting strategy that counteracted clumping in blackjack. I was just playing with the numbers in my head so I wouldn’t call it a dream though.
Chapter 4.1
I think I’ve figured out how the ‘switch mind’ axiom is able to exist without causing operational irregularities within the subject.
Really? Please explain.
The best way to explain it is perhaps through Propositional Calculus. Suppose we add a bang symbol, which means a kind of ‘not’.
How does this ‘not’ different from the traditional use of tilde? Why do you need another ‘not’?
It’s a different kind of logical not. You can use it like:
<~P→~Q>
Which would mean if we make our system incomplete by removing P, then Q can exist in the system, although it doesn’t necessarily have to. You would need to make sure there are no extra contradictions introduced into the logic. But that’s the gist of it.
So if not P then Q.
Well not exactly. It’s more like just Q. P no longer exists in this universe. But its inexistence doesn’t exist either because then it can still have effect on the system though its anti-presence.
That makes sense.
Not really. It wouldn’t be allowed in normal Propositional Calculus. You’re working with a concept defined in part by an atom that doesn’t exist. It throws most logicians off at first. That’s why this subject is so interesting to me. Since he knows that any sufficiently complex system is going to be incomplete anyway, he is trying to use that incompleteness to his advantage. Something is going on here.
Chapter 5
I don’t remember what happened next but later I woke up and the bus had stopped. When we got off the bus I was hungry so I think I decided to tell her I was hungry. Actually I don’t know what I said. Something strange happened outside the bus station but I forget what happened. I think it was something about breakfast because I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet. But anyway we ended up at this diner across the street from the bus station.
Inside we sat down at one of those tables that come out of the wall and ordered food. The waiter we had was this big guy with a baseball cap that had ‘M’ on it. “What can I get you?”
“Can I get the breakfast set thing?”
“Sure. Is that with Canadian bacon?” He put two glasses of water on the table.
“Huh? No, just the normal kind.”
The waiter smiled at me. “I hear you. Real bacon. And you miss?”
“Um… I suppose I’ll try the pancakes.”
“Buttermilk pancakes it is.” He picked up our menus. “I’ll be back with your food.”
I remember after we got the food I started talking to her.
“So your grandparents live near here?”
“Ya. It’s about a 15-minute walk away.”
“Oh… how are your pancakes?”
“Pretty good.”
I didn’t think she liked me very much. Maybe she thought I was boring. Someone told me once that I was stilted. I never got around to looking that word up but I don’t think it’s very positive.
“I remember my grandfather came to visit me in class one day. Some kind of PTO event back in 2nd grade. He was talking with my teacher and told her that he thought I was pretty average. Just a regular kid. My teacher responded with something like everyone has a talent they are good at that makes them special. Like math or art. She said it was just a matter of time before I find out what mine is. Then my grandfather said ‘so it’s average to be above average?’ and my teacher she didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t stop laughing.” Then I glanced up from my plate and thought that she was looking at me. But then I saw that she wasn’t. She was staring somewhere behind me. “It’s him.”
I heard footsteps come up behind me. I remember wondering what he looked like. He put his hand on my shoulder but I kept staring at her.
“Hello.” She looked at him and then back at me. “Sorry for bringing you into this.”
“Let’s go.” I heard him over me. I remember seeing her across the table from me with the shawl down around her neck. It made me think of before in the car. (sunny side up).
“Ok.” She slid out of her seat and stood up. Then I felt his hand trying to pull me.
“Wait, I’m not finished with you.” He jerked me to my right but my legs were stuck under the table and everything was awkward. “Get up.”
He took his hand off me and I pulled myself up. I stood in front of him next to Mustardseed.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Don’t get mixed up in this.” He was funny looking. Like not really attractive with a sloped fo
rehead. “It’s not just a love story between us and forget about what that old bum told you. Stay away from her.”
He punched me in the stomach and I bent over because it hurt. I was looking down at the floor at my shoes but I remember hearing the waiter we had before with the ‘M’ baseball cap come up and yell at the other guy. I felt someone’s hand on my forearm.
“Come on, let’s get out of here.” It was Mustardseed of course. I think the waiter had threatened to call the cops or something. Anyway I was able to get out of the restaurant without getting punched again. She started running down the street and turned into an alley. “This way.”
I followed her. The street we were on had these clotheslines strung overhead between the buildings. After a few hundred meters the town we were in stopped and woods began. The street turned into a kind of trail.
“My grandfather used to take me up here. I think we’ll be ok.” She started up into the woods.
“What did he mean about the bum? How did he know I spoke with him?” It was about here that I really started to worry about what was going on. But Mustardseed was already out of sight and I didn’t know what else to do so I went in with her. After a few minutes I got distracted by the hike and stopped thinking about it.
#
(I color in blue. I draw white clouds in blue sky. I smile when I’m done.)
#
In the woods I remember seeing her white shoes against the brown earth. The trees were far apart which I though was weird. I mean I always imagined forests to be places where the trees huddled together but I guess that’s not true. It bothered me and I kept thinking of how to compress it. We followed this trail for a while that went up a ridge and I could see the valley below all green against the earth brown and moist. I was thinking of maybe using that PCX compression scheme and almost fell over a root but then I corrected myself and it was all right.
“Watch out, that’s poison ivy,” she said. She stopped and went to the left and I guess we walked around it. I remember once when I was a kid I lived in an apartment building and there was this batch of poison ivy on one side and I used to play there even though afterwards I’d itch a lot.
But when she mentioned the ivy it also reminded me of the fact that she was there. Like maybe I should interface with her or something. “It’s pretty out here.”
“Ya. It’s nice this time of year. There should be a stream coming up soon.” We walked up a little farther. I had to duck under some branches because they were kinda low. And then I looked up and saw clouds that touched the mountains. It reminded me of this haiku I did in high school.
#
I color in blue.
I draw white clouds in blue sky.
I smile when I’m done.
#
But that doesn’t really explain anything. The sharpness of the clouds was insane; I didn’t think my contacts could be that clear. I guess that doesn’t explain anything either.
The air felt very cool.
We came to a stream. It wasn’t very big but it had already cut into the ground rock some. “Let’s stay here.”
I wanted to stay because it was very cool and I could see the clouds barely touching the green mountains like our souls barely touch our bodies but when they meet its a beautiful thing anyway. “Don’t worry. We just gotta go a little farther to reach a clearing and then we can rest there.”
“Ok.” I didn’t move though. I was wondering if that was any better or just… lame. Like how did Eliot do it? She grabbed my arm and tugged me along. I don’t even believe we have them. Souls I mean. I don’t even believe we have souls. So why would anything that’s meaningless to me be any good?
#
After another ridge we forked off the trail and followed the stream uphill instead.
“How’s your stomach?” She turned around for a second to ask me.
“It’s ok.” I guess she was referring to the restaurant. It still did hurt a little. I think maybe being seen getting punched in the stomach is not a good thing for a date. “Do you think I’m strange?”
“Of course you are, silly.” She turned around a second time and smiled at me. I liked it when she smiled. I wished I could make her laugh but it’s been a long time since I had a personality and you need a personality to make people laugh.
“Your dress is muddy.” I wanted to say something better but that was all I could think of. Such is life.
But she laughed at it. “You’re funny.”
I was happy for a while.
#
We came to a clearing the in woods where there weren’t any trees so I guess it could have been compressed a lot. We sat down for a bit on this boulder/rock in the middle of it like yin in yang or something. I remember not being able to look up at the sky because the sun was overhead and blinding.
“I remember spending summer days just lying in the grass here watching the clouds. Blue sky with white clouds.”
“What?” We sat next to each other and I could see the back of her neck red from sunburn. (socket timeout/reset) “I remember I wrote a haiku about that once.”
“Ya? That’s nice.” I remember thinking she was real. Like when you come home from the playground and have some ice cream cuz it’s hot and you hug your mom because your little baby sister is inside her and she’s really alive. “But I can’t look at the sky like that anymore.”
“Why not?” Maybe I should have told her that. “Too busy?”
“No, that’s not it.” She glanced up but quickly averted her eyes to the ground. “All of the sudden I was scared of it. One day I looked up when there were no clouds. It scared me. I could only think about falling. Without the clouds there was just emptiness above me. A hole that would swallow me up.”
I looked up at the sky but couldn’t mimic her sense of fear. The cloud canopy just crawled across the sky canvas.
“Did you ever read about Pascal’s theory about spheres?” she asked. I shook my head. The sun wasn’t above us anymore and you could see the trees hover below it. “Never mind then. We’d better get moving.”
She got up and took my hand pulled me up. It was easy to pull me up cuz I never weighed very much. We were close for a second and then she pulled away towards the woods. I smelt the cinnamon. I followed her footprints in the grass. The grass was tall and sometimes it would tickle my hands. I guess I could have looked up and followed her but I just followed her footprints instead.
#
We went down a ridge and I thought of the sun some more. Light coming out while it lost weight. At least that’s what I was taught anyway. Light comes out and it loses weight. (overloaded) I remember once eating this candy that was yellow on the outside but after it was in your mouth for a while it begin to disintegrate and turned purplish-blue. I looked ahead and saw that the sun was yellow. But then I remembered that I like yellow better than purple so a sun yellow is grand.
Then all of the sudden we were back on some kind of trail again. The ground was worn so you could see dirt rather than layers of leaves. I looked at Mustardseed and she was passing out into another clearing.
In this one was a cabin. Or a shack I guess. With a metal roof and log walls. I tried to look behind me really quickly but the sun was level with the trees so I couldn’t turn around without closing my eyes. I couldn’t see behind me I mean. I think she had been here before cuz she walked up to a stone on the side of the building and I saw her take a gray key from under it. The key was metal too.
“Come in.” She said. “We’ll be safe here.”
She opened up a rusty Masterlock-looking lock on the door and went inside. There was one big room and it was dark when we closed the door. I was tired. “I’m kinda tired.”
She smiled. “He doesn’t know where this place is. It’ll take him a while to find it.”
I couldn’t see very well so she got up and turned on a light. It was the gas kind. I was looking at her. She was very pretty.
I mean she was pretty. I wanted to go away and crawl u
nder the rock that the key had been under.
She sat down on this rocking chair. It creaked when she rocked back and forth. The rocking calmed me. Creak, creak I mean. “How do you know this place?”
I think she knew rocking would calm me. I sat down on this other couch. “My dad used to take me up here when I was a kid. We used to fish and camp.”
“Really. It must have been grand.” That was weird cuz I usually don’t say grand in conversation. I heard insects in the forest. They were chirping. I didn’t know if insects were supposed to chirp before the sun was all the way down.
“That was a long time ago.” She looked out the window. She had this look on her face that reminded me of the life dream. But it was very brief and she turned away from the window. I remembered reading once this book on catastrophe theory and how there are these certain lines within the plane of space/time that marked discontinuous regions, instability in political/economic structures. Are slashes legal for use in writing? “It’s getting chilly in here.”
It started raining. It was pretty soft but you could hear it tapping on the roof metal. She got up and walked to the fireplace. There was a pile of wood next to it and she got it working somehow even with the rain. I could hear the fire crackle and the rain patter but the insects were gone. She sat down on the floor next to the fire and was looking at it and her skin was orange and my eyes closed and I fell asleep.
#
I had this dream. I mean a real dream and not just thinking in my sleep that I had a low GPA or I didn’t wake up in time for a test or seeing miles and miles of VB code. This time I dreamed I saw an ocean. Like ‘water, water everywhere, and all the boards did shrink’. The ocean stretched out and the waves rolled up and down and it reminded me of when I was a kid and we were driving across country and I was in the back seat and could look up out the sun roof and see stars and the car would hum and the stars were clear like in Calc class when yer staring at the board and you finally realize what limit means. Except in the dream I couldn’t hear anything. I could just look at the water that was blue like melange and feel it around me but I couldn’t hear the waves. That’s when I knew it was all really a metaphor except I think it was daytime in the dream. I couldn’t figure out what it meant though. I was about to look up at the sky when I there was this bright light and I woke up.
Circular Motion Page 5