Pregnant By My Mother’s Rapist
-Written By-
Niki Jilvontae
Copyright © 2016 by True Glory Publications
Published by True Glory Publications
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This novel is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to actual events, real people, living or dead, organizations, establishments or locales are products of the author’s imagination. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are used fictitiously.
Cover Design:Tina Louise
Editor:Tamyra L. Griffin
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Table Of Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Epilogue
Prologue
Secrets and lies can tear people apart, and so can resentment and envy. I know this all too well because all of my life that's all I've been given. For as far back as I can remember I have been kept in the dark on who I really am; lied to by almost everyone, resented for existing, and envied for life. Growing up the product of a 12-year-old mother and invisible father, I learned early on that the world doesn't give a fuck about anyone. Hell, that was clear in the fucked up luck I had. It seemed that from as far back as I could remember my life had been nothing but one big ball of chaos, mayhem, and pain with sprinkles of happiness and love along the way.
My mother Serena Wright, known to the hood as Spicy was that smart, beautiful, messy hood chick, with a big mouth, a lot of kids, and fast temper that kept her ass locked up or on the verge of it. Right before I was born everyone said my mother changed into the beast I grew up with. However, some say she wasn’t always that way. My favorite aunt V said that my mother once was this happy, vibrant girl who only wished to one day become a world-renowned singer. Back then, my aunt said my mama wore a smile so big and was so nice to people, everyone wanted to be around her. That shit changed though. No one knows why, but my aunt said it was one day right before she found out my mama was pregnant with me.
She said that day something bad happened that my mother never told anyone about and that something changed her forever. Aunt V said it had to be something concerning my dad; a 16-year-old, smooth, fine, dope boy from the hood everyone called Kash because he was the only new thing in her life. My aunt said she didn’t know much about Kash, she just saw him hanging around my mama a lot in the beginning; then one day he was gone and she was pregnant. After that all of those superstar dreams my mama once had went out of the window and she turned to the streets like so many others before her had done.
The youngest of 6 kids, my mama stepped out of that studious, quiet girl shell she had been in and jumped off the porch with two feet. By the time I was two, my mama was 14 and pregnant with her second child; my brother Khalil who we called K.J. I can’t remember much from those times but I know it was hectic with us all living in grandma’s house with all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins; and my mama still in middle school. After that my mama had a baby every year, with my brothers Kameron who we called Kam and Kyree who we called Ky coming one behind each other.
By the time she was 16 my mama was a mother of four, a high school dropout, and had been in juvenile for stealing, fighting and anything else you could name. She was that wild child who refused to listen or take direction from anyone, especially my grandma. I guess that’s where I got it from, because all of my life I did the exact opposite of what my mother said. Hell, I looked at all of her failures in life and decided she was not the person to tell me any fucking thing. Anyway, time went on and over the years my mama got herself together enough to hold down a job and get us our own place.
When I was 8, KJ was 6, Kam was 5, and Ky was 4, my mama moved us into the Westside of Frayser in the Riverbend apartments and we began to live the ghetto life she loved. By then my mama was 20 and even more vicious, hard headed, and callus than the stories I had heard. Spicy was that chick you should never expect sympathy or understanding from. Hell, love either. Throughout my life I could count on one hand how many times she had kissed me, talked to me without there being a punishment attached, or just showed that motherly love and care. Hell no, that wasn’t in Spicy’s vocabulary.
All of my life my mama was selfish and only cared about herself, so it was only natural that my brothers and I grew up with that same mentality and became those bad kids everyone told us we would be. Even with that stigma over our heads though, I did my best over the years to care for my brothers and stay on track in school. I didn’t want to be that dumb baby mama my grandma said my mother was, so I excelled in school by getting straight A’s and then bucked when I got home. I was just like Spicy, although I would never admit it; angry and hurt from all I had been through.
My brothers and I experienced jail time, pain, loss, and chaos just like our mother had, while trying to find our way in an unforgiving world. All of those things Spicy did and the things she didn’t do led me to where I am now; 19 and about to be a mother. Don’t get me wrong, I know that it was ultimately my own actions that led me to the hell I live today. However, as I stand here between my mother’s angry ass with a gun in hand and the man I love, I can’t help but to blame her.
I blame her for never telling me who my father was although I asked her every day of my life. I blame her for not loving me and my brothers more than she loved herself. I blame her for having me even though it was apparent I was the biggest tragedy of her life. I blame her, but more so I blame myself for expecting something I knew she could never give. I know somewhere along the way I missed the signs or was just too damn blinded by anger to care. I know that there was something I could have done to avoid the chaos I was facing while my mother cursed and pointed her gun at my man and I shielded him with my big, protruding belly.
Standing here, I know somehow I could have prevented everything that happened or all that was about to, but at the same time I also knew it was too late. If you knew what I know now, you would think that same thing. So let me break it down and go back for a minute to tell you how this all started. Let me take you back to the beginning so that you can see how I ended up in the middle of the one who hurt me the most and the only one who ever showed me love. Maybe then you can tell me where I went wrong. Or maybe together we will see that there was no way to avoid it and that this was destined to happen. I don’t know. All I know is I’m living in hell and there seems to be no escape. I am Kaniyah LaShay Wright known as Na Na and this is my story. This is the tragedy I call life and what led up to the moments I found out I was PREGNANT BY MY MOTHER’S RAPIST.
Chapter 1
“Maine, stick yo finger under her nose and see if she breathing.” KJ said as I opened my eyes and watched my brother Kam do what he said.
The fishy, musty scent from his index and middle fingers quic
kly filled my nose as I reached out to smack him across the face. I hit him so hard I saw spit fly out of his mouth but he kept pushing his finger in my face while he laughed anyway.
“What the fuck? You lil ugly bastards just love playing huh?” I said as I sat up, punched Kam in the stomach then pushed him on to the floor.
He moaned and groaned as he laughed from the floor while looking up at KJ. KJ was the ringleader of my stupid little brother trio, and they did anything that he told them too. That’s why I turned my attention to him as I flipped back my covers to get out then reached over to punch Ky in the back as he jumped out the way. They all laughed at the apparent frustration on my face, but I wasn’t laughing; and wasn’t shit funny about them waking me up again. Hell, it was the third time that week I had been woken up to one of their fucking pranks and I was tired of it.
“You little bastards play too damn much, always listening to KJ. Well listen to his bitch ass cry and see if y’all can help.” I said as I stormed over to my brother who was 6’2” at 16 and broke his big ass down.
I kneed K.J. in the dick before he had a chance to do anything, then wrapped my hands in his dreads to drag him to the floor. In seconds I was straddling him with his arms pinned beneath my knees while I threatened to let the spit I was dangling from my mouth fall down into his face. He squirmed and cursed beneath me trying to get away, but it was no use because I outweighed him. Even though KJ was 6’2” with an athletic build, my little 5”6, 180 lb frame was way more sturdy than his and I was way more determined to make him pay. That’s why no matter how much he flapped his body around and tried to throw me off I wouldn’t be moved.
“Uggghhh, get off me fat bitch. We were just playing with you damn. Anyway, last night mama said you should take us to school so she will know if you go. That’s why we in here. Now, get off me with yo ole Umpa Lumpa ass. Get her off me y’all.” K.J. yelled to my brothers as I extended the spit string long enough to touch his nose then sucked it back up.
“Ugghhh she got yo ass bruh.” Ky said laughing as I turned and looked at him.
I gave Kam and Ky a death stare as I sucked my teeth and they knew I was not playing. That’s why they backed up with their hands in the air instead of helping like K.J. said.
“Oh so I’m a fat bitch K.J.? Huh? Well let’s see if you like the fat bitch’s spit.” I said as I did it again and let the spit string hit his forehead.
That was enough to make his germaphobe ass freak out and scream like a little bitch.
“OKAYYYYY OKAYYYY. I’m sorry. Maine let me go.” K.J yelled as I laughed and then sucked the spit back into my mouth.
I faked like I was going to spit again for a few seconds as my brother cursed and yelled, then I let his little cry baby ass up while I laughed and watched him run into the bathroom to wash his face. It amazed me how gangsta my little brother was; selling dope, beating niggas asses, and even shooting at people but he couldn’t take a drop of bodily fluid on him. When it came to shit like that K.J. was anal as fuck, which is why our house was always clean. It damn sure wasn’t because of our mama, because Spicy didn’t do shit in our house. Anything clean related was done by K.J. because his OCD ass couldn’t stand to see anything out of place.
“You wrong for that Na Na. Now I gotta wash my face three more times.” K.J. said as he walked back into the room rubbing his face with a towel.
I just laughed at him as I walked over to my closet and picked out a pair of pink yoga pants, a t-shirt and some J’s to wear for the day. I had no intentions of going to school or taking my brothers for that matter, so I made that known as they all sat on my bed and asked me when I would be ready.
“Never! Y’all lil weak asses know I don’t go on Friday’s; besides I got one class and I passed that already anyway. Sooo you all can just get the fuck up and go.” I said as Kam and Ky sighed but got up and walked to the door.
I stood by the closet and watched their goofy asses play out into the hall before I turned back to K.J. to see him still sitting on my bed. He had that deep concerned and slightly irritated expression on his face that I knew only came from our mother. Nobody but Spicy could throw my brother off his square and get him in his feelings. Regardless of what we had going on, Spicy still had a way of showing up and fucking that up. She had a natural talent for that. That’s why I went over to sit beside him on the bed with my clothes in hand as we both watched Ky and Kam pass licks as they walked down the hall and out of sight. As soon as they were gone K.J. pulled a bag of loud and Backwoods cigar out of his pocket and began to roll up as he talked.
“Yeah sis, I know you don’t go to school today, that’s not the real reason I came in here to talk. I came in here to talk about Spicy.” K.J. whispered as he continued to roll up, but stopped to look out into the hall like Spicy was out there listening.
I know that wasn’t beneath her ole nosey ass either, so I quickly jumped up and slammed my door closed before I went to sit back next to my brother. K.J. was done rolling by the time I sat back down, so I waited on him to light the blunt and take his first hit before I said anything.
“Wasup though lil bruh, other than the usual Spicy Fuckery?” I asked K.J. as he hit the blunt again then sighed as he blew the smoke out.
I watched the veins pop out of the side of his neck as he gritted his teeth and blew out smoke along with his aggression. I could tell by the way he kept sighing that his heart was in turmoil and I wondered what horrible shit our mother had done to bring that on.
“Maine, every day she just gets worse and worse. She had a house full of muthafuckas here all night; doping, arguing and fighting and shit. They had just turned down when you got home from that concert at 2. Then before that at about 10, Kam went and asked her what was for dinner or if he could get some money from her to get some meat to cook and she cursed him the fuck out. She told him he was old and bad enough to get everything else he wanted, so he should be able to get food too. I had to go sell my fucking chain to Moosey down the block just to get something. Hell, I had spent my reup money yesterday morning for the fucking light bill. Now I’m assed out until I knock a nigga head off or get off the last lil bags I got.” K.J. said as he hit the blunt again and then handed it to me before he put his head down and began to run his fingers through his dreads.
I felt conflicted and angry as fuck as I hit the loud and watched my little brother stress out over shit that shouldn’t even be on his mind. That selfish, childish side of me that was more like Spicy than I cared to admit, wanted to say that wasn’t my problem and focus on me. However, that big sister who raised them like a mother part of me just wouldn’t let that happen. Regardless of how Spicy treated us all bad, but me worst of us all, I still loved my brothers unconditionally and would do anything in my power to make sure they were straight. That’s what I did too after I hit the blunt a few more times and handed it back to K.J.
“Well, you know I got y’all right lil bruh?” I asked K.J. as I made my way back over to my closet and went inside to get my stash.
I peeled off $100 in twenties out of my stack of money I kept hid in a tampon box and walked back out to place the money in my brother’s hand. K.J. looked up at me stunned as he shook his head no and tried to give the money back to me.
“What you mean No? Boy you better take that money.” I said as I sat back down and K.J. kept trying to push the money back into my hand.
My brother and I sat there for a few minutes passing the money back and forth before I quickly got up and walked to the door.
“K.J. keep that money. Give Kam and Ky $20 a piece for lunch and you keep the rest to do whatever you need to. You know that shit means nothing to me because I will be out boosting all morning making us some more money for next month bills. I got us K.J. I don’t need you worrying or out in the streets doing shit that can get you locked back up. What would I do then?” I asked my brother as he finally shook his head yes, stood up, and put the money in his pocket.
K.J. knew I meant everything that
I said and that I would do whatever it took to make sure we were good. That’s what I had always done all of our lives.
“I know big sis. I know you always got us, but it ain’t supposed to be like that. We supposed to have a mother who cares about us more than herself. You supposed to have somebody you can fucking depend on because while you always taking care of us and taking up Spicy’s slack, who taking care of you?” K.J. asked and I found myself standing there with no real answer to his question.
I realized right then that my brother was right. I had played the mother for so long that I had no idea how to be a child or to be cared for. Since the age of four I was changing diapers and making bottles; and my mothering hadn’t stopped yet. Hell, it probably never would if I had to depend on Spicy growing the fuck up. I didn’t care though because I knew I was all my brothers had and I wanted them to be able to depend on someone, even if I never had the luxury.
“Don’t worry about me lil bruh, I got me. All I really care about is making sure all three of y’all graduate from high school with no babies or felonies and make it to see 21. That’s all I care about. I know it’s sad that my biggest aspirations for your future is to live, but the way the hood set up, that is our biggest goal; and it’s a goal that many never meet. I refuse to let any one of y’all be like that, with or without Spicy’s help. That’s why I tell you every day that we can’t dwell on the shit Spicy do, or don’t do for that matter. Once you’re done with school and turn 18, we can take custody of our brothers and move the fuck away.” I said to my brother as I took the blunt out of his hand and hit it again.
“Hell yeah; and never look back.” K.J. said as I agreed with him.
“Yeah. Once we gone, we’re gone for good and we don’t have to worry about shit Spicy got going on. SO, just keep that in mind whenever she on some bullshit. That’s what I do.” I said to my brother as I opened my bedroom door and he started to walk out.
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