Pregnant By My Mother's Rapist

by Niki Jilvontae

  She looked so small and broken as she sat there and begged me not to go. But still refused to answer my questions.

  “Na, I just can’t answer those questions right now.” My mother said as my tears began to fall hard again and I shook my head as I wiped them away.

  “Please Na forgive me. I know I was wrong and I’m sorry, but please don’t follow my same mistakes. I just want you to make good decisions and it’s something about this dude you with. I’m trying to put the pieces together and figure out what it is about his ass. Please baby just stay home and we’ll figure this out together. Please Na. Please don’t let your hurt get you hurt worse. Please baby. Forgive me. Let me love you Na.” My mama said as I shook my head no and cried even more.

  I wanted to run into her arms and let her love me. I wanted to have that relationship I always dreamed about. That’s what I wanted but at that moment the pain inside me wouldn’t let me do it. As I stood there and looked at her my pain wouldn’t let me think rational and see the signs right in front of my face.

  “It’s’ too late for all that mama, I’m broken. If and when I can put myself together again…maybe we can talk.” I said in a cold, flat voice as I wiped my tears then walked out of the room right past my brothers and uncles, out of the house.

  I cried that day as I left because I really wanted to stay. It wasn’t long though before I wished I would’ve.

  Chapter 12

  I drove back to South Haven with a heavy heart and confused mind with a splash of venom in my veins. I was hurt, angry, and still in the dark on the biggest mystery of my life. I still had no idea who my father was and I had to come to terms with tragedy being the basis of my existence. By the time I got to the house I was numb again and I just wanted to crawl into a ball, cry and sleep the rest of my life.

  When I got inside I went about that mission too as I ate, fed and played with Berry, showered, and then crawled in the bed to cry myself to sleep. An hour and hundreds of tears later I woke up to sound of Anthony’s voice in my ear.

  “Hey baby, how was your day? What do you want for dinner?” Anthony said as I rolled over and looked into his eyes and he immediately saw my sorrow. I let him embrace me gently and stroke my hair as I released the rest of my sorrow.

  “What’s wrong Kaniyah?” Anthony asked as he held me back and looked into my face.

  I wiped away the few tears that had fallen as I faked a smile and matching story.

  “Oh baby, nothing. Just silly pregnant woman hormones. I was in here watching tv and that damn St. Jude’s commercial came on and I just started crying.” I said as Anthony looked at me with a slight skeptical expression on his face.

  I knew that his ole detective ass was trying to find holes in my story so I laid the bullshit on thick.

  “I cry for any damn thing now baby. I dropped my muffin for lunch and had a break down. Those precious little St. Jude kids almost made me loose it though. By the way it may or may not be a $200 donation charged to the Capital One.” I said as I laughed and to my surprise he laughed in too.

  I breathed a sigh of relief as he hugged me and told me that was the reason he loved me so much, my huge heart. Anthony vowed to love and care for me as he kissed my face. He specifically said til death do us part that day. As I sat there and his words rang in my ears I believed him, literally. Anthony stayed true to his vow for a few weeks after that though; however, by my sixth month of pregnancy he was back to his old tricks.

  By then Anthony was feeling the bravado of becoming a baby daddy and was back to wanting me up under him every minute. I was only allowed out alone to go to the doctor’s appointments he couldn’t attend and to shop with a 2-hour time limit. Even then he would call every thirty minutes on Facebook messenger so that he could see my surroundings. I couldn’t talk to anyone because he took my phone and seeing my family was a thing of the past because Anthony said it was too risky for my pregnancy.

  “Every time you go there you have an emotional breakdown and that shit not good for MY baby. So my answer is hell no when it comes to that, end of discussion. If you truly want to see your brothers that bad you will invite them over here. If not, do Imo, Facetime or some shit like that. Hell, its good enough for us every day.” Anthony said one day when I asked to go see my brothers in the middle of June.

  He laid down that law and let me know that if I violated his will I would suffer. He said it and I knew he meant it, but for my brothers I was willing to take that chance.

  By late June, June 27th to be exact, I had suffered for as long as I could so I decided to do what Anthony had said. It was a Friday morning right after Anthony had left to work a big job in Arlington, I cooked and then walked next door to the neighbors to call my brother. I invited KJ, Kam, Ky, and Rah over for brunch then went back to the house and set up. I had just finished setting up the buffet style brunch in the dining room when I heard them beat on the door.

  “NA NA. Na. Sis it’s us. Open the door Na.” I heard KJ’s voice yell from the other side of our huge, oak front door as I wiped my hands then wobbled over to open it.

  I swung that bitch open so fast I almost knocked myself off guard and Ky helped as he rushed in immediately and wrapped me in his arms.

  “NAAAAA, look at you. Damn we missed you. Shit I can’t pick yo big ass up now.” Ky said as he tried and was unsuccessful so he put me back down and kissed my cheek instead.

  I laughed as he grabbed his back then bent down and asked the baby in my stomach what the fuck it had been eating.

  “Yo lil fat ass gonna stretch my sister out like a snake. Better quit eating so much lil homie, you know skinny niggas hot now. Look at Gucci he even lost a whole person.” Ky said as I popped him in the head and Kam told him he was an idiot.

  “Don’t even let that slow bunny rub the idiotic disease on yo baby sis. For the rest of your pregnancy keep Ky away.” Kam said as he pushed Ky past me into the house and then hugged me gently and kissed my jaw.

  “Love you Na Na.” Kam said as he continued into the house following Ky and Ky yelled that I lived in a mansion.

  I laughed as I told him that it was the farthest thing from that and then turned back around to face Rah. My best friend looked so pretty, yet sad as she stood there with her flawless, glowing skin, long, healthy hair, and small round stomach.

  “Oh my good Rah, look at you. When did this happen? Oh my God what you having? Awww we preggo twins.” I said as I squealed and we hugged but Rah’s expression was less enthusiastic than mine.

  She had a lot of sadness in her eyes and this hard exterior that made me wonder what was on her mind. I didn’t have to wait long though because her first question showed me where her animosity came from.

  “So is yo baby daddy here or is this a brunch just for us?” Rah asked as she stood there kind of reserved and KJ grunted from behind her.

  “It’s just us Rah, so don’t worry.” I said and she softened instantly.

  Rah hugged me again and when we let go she smiled as she asked me something else she really wanted to know.

  “How are you though for real sis? I mean, FOR REAL?” Rah said as she put her hand around her neck to imitate the bruises I had gotten from Anthony as KJ reiterated her question.

  “I’m fine you two, I promise. No one is hurting me but this little animal.” I said as I touched my stomach and my baby moved.

  I squealed and told Rah and KJ to touch it as they both reached over and placed their hands on my belly. My baby seemed to know who they were from their touch, it was like he could feel the love because he went crazy as he kicked and tried to stick his hand out of my navel.

  “Hell naw sis, you got a football player in there. We better get on in here and eat before he bust out like the Hulk.” KJ said as we all laughed and I led them into the house.

  I laughed for hours as we all sat down and munched on the massive buffet I had set up. We munched wings, rotel, fruit, cheese, crackers, meatballs, and homemade cheesecake as Rah and my brothers filled me i
n on what I had missed. I found out Rah and Tino were a real couple and on the verge of getting married. She said a week after graduation they got their own apartment and Rah started community college. My brothers Ky and Kam told me how they were doing good in school too, along with KJ who had gotten his license and a car.

  Everybody was moving on to bigger and better things and that made me happy as fuck to know. It made me a little sad at the same time though because my life at that moment was so bleak. I had nothing to look forward to other than writing in my books every day, which I felt would go nowhere. I still dreamed of them being published but with no word back from R. Kelly or the dozens of publishers I had sent my work to, I had almost given up on my dream and settled on simply being a mother. I figured that wouldn’t be so bad, molding and shaping the beautiful gift inside of me to one day be great. That’s why even though I was a little jealous of how happy everyone else was, I never let it showed on my face. I continued to smile and joke with my loves as we retired to the living room to chill after we ate. We sat there and checked and laughed at Ky and Kam’s antics for hours until Berry began to scratch at the door. I got up and walked her outside as Rah followed me to talk.

  “Are you really good Na?” Rah asked me when we had circled the block twice and were on the way back.

  Just like before, I gave her the same vague, deceitful answer and hoped it would be enough. Rah accepted it and hugged me but I knew in her heart she felt I was lying. She didn’t say anything to me though she just continued to tell me she loved me and was there for me as we walked back into the house. As soon as we were back inside I walked into the living room and caught Kam as he took a picture of the photo of me and Anthony on the wall and quickly sent it to someone on his phone.

  “Kam, what you doing?” I yelled as I scared the shit out of him and he turned to look at me.

  I could tell that he was up to no good from the way he smirked after I caught him then he looked directly at KJ. I turned back and looked at Rah as she looked just as puzzled as I was and Ky walked towards the door.

  “What the fuck is going on? Why did Kam take that picture KJ and who the fuck is he sending it to?” I asked as I felt fear and irritation creep up in my heart.

  I walked over to KJ and stared in his eyes as he smiled and then looked down. I could see that little mischievous boy who used to spy on me as I wrote in my diary when I looked in his eyes. I put two and two together in that instant as I remembered uncle Tootie going through my phone and then I linked it to Kam and the picture he had taken. I was just about to tell him his little plan when he suddenly laughed and confessed.

  “We just needed a little more on this nigga than a name; and since he wasn’t here for us to meet in the flesh, we got a pic. Damn Na, you our sister. What the fuck you think we gonna do? This nigga got yo mind so gone Na, or that hole in yo heart so fucking deep that you can’t even see the fucking forest for the trees and they right here.” KJ said and I got in my feelings fast.

  I wasn’t in the mood to hear no preaching and I didn’t want to argue with my brother and ruin our happy day. So I decided it was time for them to go. The last thing I needed was for my family to cause a scene and for Anthony to find out they were there. That’s why I swallowed the shut the fuck ups I wanted to yell to KJ and told him he was right but he had to go.

  “Okay brother, whatever you say, but I think it’s time for y’all to go. I had a wonderful day and I want us to end on a good note so let me just say I love you and I respect your opinion.” I said as I got on my tip toes and kissed my brothers’ cheek as he continued to talk and I blocked him out.

  I didn’t hear shit as I kissed Ky, Kam, and Rah too then opened the front door. As soon as I opened the front door I almost died because there was Anthony right there in my face. He wore a tight, fake smile and I could see nothing but anger in his eyes as he looked past me at my brothers and Rah and they stood at the door way.

  “Oh baby, you’re home early. Hey my love. How was your day?” I said in a nervous, fake ass tone as Anthony went along with me and said it was great.

  He played the same perfect couple game that I was playing as he reached past me to shake KJ’s hand and he introduced himself.

  “Hi and how are you? I’m Anthony and you must be KJ?” Anthony said as I told him he was right and then introduced him to everyone else, except Rah.

  She just nodded at him as she pushed past us out of the house and I told Anthony they were just leaving.

  “Oh, we’ll I’m sorry I missed the fun. Maybe next time we can set something up and all of us can sit down and talk.” Anthony said as my brothers stepped out on to the porch and he stepped into the doorway beside me.

  Anthony wrapped his arm around me snuggly and I felt his anger as he faked a smiled and looked at my brothers. Wasn’t shit fake about my brothers though as they stood there and mean mugged Anthony’s ass. Ky and Kam checked him right there in front of his face under their breath as KJ sucked his teeth then laughed.

  “Oh yeah ANTHONY, I will be back and we will definitely have that talk.” KJ said sarcastically as he smiled and Anthony said to make sure that he did.

  I smiled at my brothers and blew them kisses after that as Anthony slammed the door shut in their faces. As soon as the door closed I felt fear take over me and my knees begin to buckle beneath me. Anthony intensified my fear too as he walked up on me, bent down to my height, and stared right in my face. I saw the devil in his eyes as he trembled in anger and breathed harder than an obese track star.

  “I don’t want them in my muthafucking house again AND I WON’T SAY THAT SHIT NO MORE! Quit trying me Kaniyah.” Anthony said through clenched teeth as he went from calm to crazy and then to insane.

  I stood there and held my breath as my knees wobbled and trickles of pee ran down my legs. I didn’t breathe again until Anthony turned and suddenly walked away. I stood there as I wondered why the fuck I was still with him then suddenly the music in Anthony’s man cave came on. I knew that meant he was out there smoking and drinking like a fish so I hurried to shower and be sleep before he came out. I accomplished my mission too and had cried myself to sleep in less than an hour.

  Anthony woke me up some time later as he licked up my legs to my coochie. He dug right into my pregnant womb and had his way with me despite my protest. Knowing that he didn’t care whether I wanted it or not, I laid there like a limp noddle and just let him did his business while I silently cried. The passion and love in our love making was gone and I felt there was no way to get it back. I didn’t even want it back at that point, I just wanted to be done with Anthony. Every day he scared me more and controlled me more which had me wondering who I really was.

  When Anthony went to stick his dick in me I objected because he was getting increasingly rough. He didn’t give a fuck what I said though he just pinned my arms to the bed and did what he wanted to do. He raped me again that night and called it love, and the stupid part of me believed it was. That still didn’t stop me from wanting out so when it was over I laid there and thought of a plan. I went through hundreds of scenarios in my mind, but none seemed right. In some of these murder plots I killed him in others I just got away. I fell asleep feeling like my time was coming to an end if I didn’t do something quick.

  All of those heavy decisions weighed on my mind as I slept and nightmares interrupted my slumber. I had the most horrible dream in which Anthony beat me half to death and cut the baby right out of my stomach. I woke up that morning at 4:12 in a cold sweat as the phone Anthony had given me rang on the nightstand next to him. After 10 rings on three separate calls I grew tired enough to answer it. I got up out of the bed slowly and quietly before I creeped around to Anthony’s side and grabbed the phone.

  As soon as I had it in my hand I ran into the bathroom and quickly answered it. Spicy’s frantic voice instantly filled my ears and my heart began to race. At first I couldn’t make out a word that she said as she cried and called my uncle Bear’s name. I begged her
to calm down as I whispered into the phone and after a few minutes she finally did. I wished she hadn’t though when she finally caught her breath and told me why she had called.

  “He dead Na Na, he dead. Yo uncle Bear got killed.” Spicy said as I dropped the phone and lost my mind because I had lost an important part of my world.

  I screamed and cried with my hand over my mouth as I mourned the sweet gentle giant I loved like the father I never had. After a few minutes I picked up the phone and told Spicy I’d be home before I hung up. When I had hung up the phone I pulled myself to my feet and cried as I walked back into the bed room. I flicked on the lights as I walked over to my closet ready to pack and go home. Anthony heard me as I cried and grabbed my suitcase then began to throw shit in it.

  “Kaniyah, Kaniyah baby. What’s wrong?” He asked me as he hopped out of bed and ran over to me.

  I turned around and cried in his arms as I told him my uncle had been taken from me. Anthony consoled me as he held me in his arms and told me it would be okay.

  “I’m sorry baby. I know this must be hard for you and your family. Go home and be with them baby. I understand.” Anthony said and took me off guard as I cried and looked at his face.

  I stared at his red, slightly swollen eyes with the gash over the right one and I saw that he was sincere.

  “Yes baby, I’m going now. Why don’t you come with me. Now is a good time for you to meet everyone and I will need your support.” I told Anthony as he suddenly pulled away from me and shook his head no.