“No baby, I’m not good at funerals besides this a time for you and your family. I have to go to New Orleans today for a new job anyway so why don’t you just go be with you family until I get back. I’ll keep in touch baby and you know I send my love.” Anthony said as he scrolled off and began to gather his clothes to pack a bag.
I just stood there with tears still falling from my eyes as I stared after his selfish ass. Every time I had truly wanted him somewhere he had flaked on me if it was even a remote chance my family would be there. I was tired of that shit and tired of trying to bring the two worlds together. I was ready to let his ass go anyway, so I swallowed that hurt and just continued to pack. I packed me a week’s worth of clothes and grabbed Berry and her essentials without saying a word. Thirty minutes after I received that call, the worst call of my life, Anthony helped me load my stuff in the car to go.
I didn’t even want to kiss him goodbye as he bent down in the car and told me he loved me before he wiped my tears away. I just mumbled back that I loved him too before I gave his ass a grandma peck. He looked a little hurt as he stood up and I slammed the door before I pulled off. I didn’t even look back as I sped off the street and rushed towards the family I should have never left. I cried and blamed myself as I listened to the radio and thought about my uncle. Every song that played seemed to remind me of him and pushed my deeper into my misery.
By the time I made it home it was right at six in the morning yet the entire neighborhood was at my mother’s house. As soon as I stepped out of the car my brothers met me and wrapped me in their arms to cry. We all walked into the house together where my aunts, uncle Tootie, and uncle E were drinking and talking about what happened.
“He went on the mission to see if it was that nigga and I know that’s how this shit happened. They say the nigga was dressed in all black but was in some type of fucking work truck. Him and Bear supposedly got into a scuffle then the nigga pulled out and started dumping when Bear beat his ass. They said Bear fucked him up because he was leaking from the eyes. When I find this bitch I’m leaving pieces of his ass all over the south. That’s on my set. Nigga killed my twin, he gotta die the most painful fucking death.” My uncle Tootie said as he cried then he realized we were in the room and he shut up.
It was too late though because we had already heard and what I heard had my mind wondering. I tried to put the pieces together as the pain in my heart grew and uncle Tootie called me over. He wrapped me in his arms and told me he loved me as we all cried for the one we lost. The rest of the day we all sat around like that and waddled in our sorrow.
By night fall when Spicy got home from work the mood had shifted and everybody was numbing their pain with alcohol and drugs. I spent that night and the four days that followed with my brothers and Rah, locked in my room as we remember Bear. I avoided Spicy for the most part each of those days because I didn’t want to bring myself any more pain. I didn’t even want to know who my father was anymore I just wanted the pain in my heart to stop.
By Friday, the day of my uncle’s funeral I was just ready to die. I didn’t know how I would make it through that day because everywhere I looked I saw his face. KJ, and Ky had to hold me up as we walked into the funeral hall because it broke me down to see him lie there. Halfway through the funeral I got up to speak about the loving father figure and uncle I had lost. I received a poem called Always and Forever in which I told him my love for him would never end. I broke down towards the end of my poem and KJ had to come help me back to my seat.
The rest of the funeral I sat in a daze, numb yet full of pain. I didn’t even remember leaving the funeral because the next thing I knew we were back at my mother’s house. Everyone had followed us back for the repast and were feeding their faces, getting high, or sharing stories about my uncle. Exhausted and emotionally on the brink of having a breakdown, I went straight to my room as Rah followed and tried to comfort me. I laid in my bed on my side as she laid behind me and pressed her baby against my back. She told me it would be alright and to talk to her as I flipped over and pressed my stomach up to hers while we cried. Rah did what she always had done in that moment and that was read my mind.
“What’s wrong sis, I mean other than Unc because I can feel it’s something else. Tell me sis and ease your mind so you won’t give the baby undue stress.” Rah said and that’s all I needed to hear to let my feelings out.
I cried as I told Rah all about the violent sex, rapes, and Anthony’s possessiveness.
“I love him Rah, I really do but I don’t think I’m IN LOVE with him anymore. He scares me sometimes and I hate to think what will happen when the baby comes. I just feel like I’m in too deep now Rah. I don’t want my child to grow up like us, without a father. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do friend. I’m the lost hoe out here now.” I said to Rah as she held me in her arms and told me it would be alright.
“You just gotta go sis, you gotta walk away. You gotta do it for you and the baby.” Rah said as I nodded my head because I knew she was right.
I just didn’t know if I had the strength to actually leave when the time came. I got that test almost immediately too as my phone rang on the bed beside me. I reached over and grabbed it to look at the ID and I didn’t recognize the number. Curious I answered the phone and a woman’s voice filled my ear.
“Yes, I’m looking for Kaniyah, this is Amber Tally and I’m a neighbor of Anthony’s.” She said as I immediately sat up in the bed and asked her what was wrong.
Rah sat up with me as she looked at my face and wondered what was going on.
“Well, Anthony was out here working at the house today and fell off the roof. He won’t let us call the ambulance until you get here so I had to call you. Can you come quick because although he looks and says he’s fine, he could have some internal injuries.” Amber said as I told her I was on my way and hung up the phone.
I had forgotten about all I felt and the fear I had for Anthony as soon as I learned he was hurt. I quickly began to pack up my things and get Berry together as Rah asked me what was wrong.
“You know what Rah, forget everything I said. That was just pregnancy hormones and my writer’s imagination talking. Anthony is a good man and he loves me and I have to go be with him. I’m sorry for worrying you friend but I’m fine, I just have to get home.” I said quickly as I slipped on my shoes and Rah jumped out of bed to stop me.
“No Kaniyah, hell no. Don’t go back to that nigga. I know everything you said is true and that’s why you gotta stay away. Please Na. Please don’t go. Stay here with your family because they need you.” Rah said as tears fell from her eyes and I cried too.
I cried because I really didn’t want to go, yet felt like I had no choice. Anthony had a hold on me I couldn’t explain and a fear so strong it pulled me in instead of pushing me away.
“Anthony needs me too Rah. I’m sorry, I gotta go.” I said as I grabbed my things and left her there shaking as she cried.
I told everyone goodbye and kissed my uncle Tootie before I went out to my car. I could hear Spicy as she asked Rah what was wrong and they began to discuss me. I didn’t wait for the conversation to get too far with me still there so I jumped in my car and pulled off. I got back to Anthony’s house in less than thirty minutes just as the ambulance arrived. I ran straight to the house as I held my belly and found Anthony sprawled out on the grass. He looked like he was just lying there as he smiled and grunted slightly before he told me he was okay.
“I’m fine baby, I promise I am. Don’t get yourself upset. Just go into the house and get us some food and stuff in case we will be in the hospital overnight.” Anthony said as the paramedics asked him his name and age but he just continued to look at me.
He didn’t respond until I had gotten up off my knees and walked towards the house. Inside the house, I cried as my hands shook and I filled a bag with clothes, food, and other essentials. When I came out of the house they were loading Anthony in the ambulance and I got into my ca
r. I followed them to the hospital nervous as fuck and I remained that way the four hours that followed. I didn’t stop crying or shaking like a leaf until the doctor came in and said Anthony was okay. She said he hadn’t broken anything and that he just had a slight concussion and bruised ribs. She said they would keep him overnight for observation and release him home on bed rest the next day.
I sighed in relief after that and settled down in the let out chair they brought me to sleep in right beside Anthony. I was right there at his beck and call all night as he acted like a little bitch. He whined and wanted my attention every second even though I was still emotionally distraught and physically fatigued. It seemed like he didn’t care about that though, only himself as he told me he had fallen because I wasn’t there so I had to help. He acted like that and tried to make me feel guilty until he finally fell asleep. I was happy as fuck when I saw the nurse come in with that shot because he had worked my nerves.
The next morning, he woke up better, he was back his possessive, smooth self. He even insisted that he drive home when we pulled out of the hospital lot because he said the man was supposed to drive. That shit struck my nerves but I held my tongue and just smiled at him then looked out the window. My plan to leave was back on so I just decided to be calm and wait. When we got to the house Anthony’s mood had shifted again and he wanted to be loving and sweet. He had me fixed us a cozy spot on the couch to have a Netflix marathon all day. The last thing I wanted to do was sit around him all day after all he had put me through. However, I felt like I had no choice so I just did what he asked.
I had just set him up on the couch and went into the kitchen to get snacks when the phone in my pocket began to ring. I took it out and answered it quickly before Anthony could hear it and Spicy instantly began to yell in my ear.
“Kaniyah, where are you? This is your mother. Baby Rah told me everything and I understand. Let me come get you. I can help you baby, I can take all the pain away if you would just let me help.” Spicy said as I began to cry while I told her no and looked around to make sure Anthony wasn’t nearby.
I placed my hand over my mouth and held back my tears as Spicy continued to beg me.
“Please Na, please don’t be stubborn. Listen to me for once baby. You need to get away from that nigga now; he a monster and he might be the one who killed your uncle.” Spicy said as I gasped and told her she was a fucking liar.
“You would say anything to keep me from being happy wouldn’t you. How dare you Spicy. It’s too late for you to be a mama now, I’m grown and I don’t need it. You talk about he a monster, you the monster because you destroyed me. Now bye Spicy.” I said as I cried like a baby and hung up the phone.
I hung up the phone and turned on the faucet as I leaned forward into the sink and cried harder. I cried because a part of me knew everything Spicy had said was right. I knew I did need to walk away from Anthony’s crazy ass I was just too scared to do it. What I didn’t want to admit was the fact that I kinda suspected she was right about him killing my uncle. The van Tootie had mentioned and the bloody eyes of the nigga both linked back to Anthony. I felt dizzy and light headed as I thought about all of that and nervousness took over me.
Before I knew it I was vomiting in the sink as Anthony asked if something was wrong. I lied and told him no as I cursed him in my mind and contemplated going into the living room and stabbing him to death. I had just pulled one of the very sharp, huge butcher knives out of the drawer ready to go kill him when someone suddenly rung the doorbell. That startled me out of the murderous daze I was in and I dropped the knife back into the draw before I wobbled out of the kitchen. Before I could get down the hall the person began to beat and Anthony yelled, “WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?” I told him I didn’t know but I would find out as I walked to the door and snatched it open. I snatched it open and looked directly into the swollen, wild, blood shot eyes of my mother as she stood there with a gun in her hand.
“Kaniyah baby, come on let’s go. Let’s go right muthafucking now.” Spicy said frantically as she grabbed my arm and I snatched it away from her.
I couldn’t barely recognize her as she looked like a deranged gangsta with a 40 glock in her hand. I didn’t understand why she was there, how she had found me, or what she thought she was about to do as she stood there and cried and tried to snatch me out of the house.
“Spicy what the fuck are you doing here? I’m not going nowhere. You have to go.” I said as I tried to close the door in her face and my mama stuck her foot in the door to prevent it from closing.
She shook her head no and begged me to leave as I told her that I couldn’t.
“Please Na, you can leave. Never let a nigga make you feel you don’t have a choice. I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry I hurt you for so long but mama here now. Come on baby, come home with mama and we’ll get through this together.” Spicy said as she finally broke through my wall and I began to cry.
I let my mama grab my hand for a second then I told her I loved her but couldn’t go. Just then Anthony walked up behind me and I saw my mother’s expression change. I watched her face as she went snow white like she had just seen a fucking ghost. Then suddenly her face turned beet red as she began to curse and spit while she raised her gun.
“KENAN?” My mother yelled as I looked at her confused.
I looked back at Anthony and he had the same shell shocked expression my mother had at first and I wondered what was going on. I turned back to my mother with a confused expression as I asked her if she was crazy.
“Kenan? Mama this ain’t no Kenan, this is my man Anthony.” I said as Spicy shook her head no and pointed her gun at Anthony’s head.
I don’t know why but at that moment I wanted to protect him so I stepped right in front of the gun. I cried and told my mother she was wrong as my mind searched for answers. As I stood there my mind began to connect the dots and I linked the Kenan in my mother’s story to the black orchid and the hate she bestowed upon me. Suddenly I started to believe what my mother said as she told me all I needed to hear.
“Anthony? That’s what he told you? This sick bastard told you his name was Anthony?” My mama said as I cried and looked from her to Anthony as he backed up the hall with this eerie smirk on his face.
“That sick bitch’s name ain’t Anthony that hoe’s name is Kenan. That is the low down, perverted ass monster who raped me…and Na…HE YO DADDY!” Spicy said and everything around me seemed to stop right along with my heart!
Epilogue
So now we are back where we began with me standing between the woman who broke my heart and the man who began to put it back together. I stood there as I shook with my heart in my throat while my mama cursed and Anthony inched away.
“Mamaaa No. Say you Lying. Please don’t do this to me.” I cried as I held my stomach and touched the baby I was about to have with my own father, the rapist.
Just thinking about it made me sick and I threw up while I still tried to keep my mother from committing murder.
“Mama maybe you are mistaking. He said his name is Anthony. Please mama tell me you’re wrong. ANTHONY SAY SOMETHING.” I yelled frantic as my mama kept trying to point her gun and Anthony chuckled behind me.
I looked back to see him with his hands up and a weird ass smile on his face. He looked just like the monster my mama had described, the monster I had seen on several occasions, but my mind still didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe fate would be so cruel as to send me my father as a true love. I didn’t want to believe he had done all that to my mother, killed my uncle, and intentionally got me pregnant. I didn’t want to believe it but all the facts were there and I knew it. I thought about all the times he left at night and how Spicy said he was still stalking her as my mama said it was true and my heart broke some more. I had wanted a father all my life and when I got it I found it was the worst thing for me. I cried and begged my mama to say she wrong as those facts swirled in my mind.
“This sick bastard is the o
ne who raped me baby, I wouldn’t lie about something like that. He raped me, made me think I wanted it then get me pregnant and left. He stalked me for years saying he would come back to take what is his. I never thought his sick ass would come back to fuck you and create another devil’s spawn. This shit ends here though, fuck this nigga Na. This hoe dead.” Spicy said as she let off one shot that whizzed right past my shoulder and grazed Anthony’s head.
I fell to my knees at that moment as he yelled out that he told her he would get what was his and that it wasn’t over. As soon as those words left his lips my mama let off so many shots I lost count. I just laid on the floor in the door and cried as my mother ran inside to chase Anthony down then everything began to go black.
“Take me Lord because this too much.” I said just as two more shots rang out and I heard my mama and Anthony both yell, then everything went black.
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