by Iris Deorre
‘I’m so happy for you.’ Sahara took her into a hug.
‘Congrats love!’ said Felicity. ‘Can’t wait to see what your baby will look like.’ She took a sip of her tea and looked at her happy friends. ‘I have an announcement of my own.’
They looked at her expectantly.
‘Now before you say anything, just listen to me.’
‘We’re not going to say anything,’ said Sahara.
‘Especially you.’
Sahara giggled.
‘I’ve ditched Craig.’
‘Oh wow, that’s a bold move. You sure you’re ready to move on?’ asked Sahara.
‘Why wouldn’t I?’
‘Because you’ve done this before, and you went back to him.’
‘Well, if you let me finish then you’ll understand why I won’t be going back to him.’
‘Okay. Continue ma’am.’
They gazed at her curiously.
‘I’ve met someone else.’ She lifted her hand to stop Sahara from making a comment. ‘I like him, and I know he’s serious about me. He really wants to be with me.’
‘Wow, that’s great Fel,’ said Emily.
‘Yes, that’s great news, I’m really happy for you.’
She looked at Sahara. ‘The floor is yours. I know you’re dying to give me words of wisdom.’
‘I am, but I won’t.’ She started to fiddle with a folder she’d brought along with her.
‘No, actually I want to hear it. As a matter of fact, even though I don’t admit it. I do get some insight from the things you say. Actually, most of the times you’re right, so go ahead, hit me with it.’
‘You sure?’
‘Certainly.’
Emily looked from Felicity to Sahara and waited.
‘Okay. What I wanted to say is don’t mess it up.’
‘Why would you think that?’ She was already on the defensive.
‘Because it’s what you do.’
‘I do not.’ She looked at Emily to take her side. ‘Emily?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Traitor.’
Emily laughed.
‘Let’s forget it. You don’t need to hear anything from me.’
‘No, why don’t you continue.’
‘Because you sound angry, I was just trying to help you.’
‘I’m not angry, just afraid of what you might say.’
‘You know I won’t say anything to hurt you. I only want what’s best for you.’
‘I know. It’s just me and men.’
‘Yeah well I’m no expert. I’m dealing with my own insecurities.’
‘Aren’t we all,’ said Emily. ‘But we just need to take it one day at a time.’
‘I agree,’ said Sahara.
‘I still want to know what you were going to say.’
Sahara looked at Felicity. There always seemed to be an urge to give her advice. Advice she really should be taking herself.
‘I just wanted to say don’t be afraid.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Yes you are. You’re always afraid, and your fears play out over and over again. That’s what happened with Craig.’
‘How so?’ She folded her arms.
‘I think you’re afraid of loosing yourself.’ She was talking more to herself than Felicity.
Felicity raised her eyebrows.
‘You’re a highly educated woman. You’ve got everything you need, but then when it comes to men, you seem so powerless.’
‘I’m not. I’m not afraid of loosing myself.’
Sahara smiled. ‘I think you are, that’s why you go on and on about him.’
‘About who?’ She played dumb
‘You know who silly,’ said Emily. ‘Craig.’
‘Yeah, I’m finished with him.’
‘So you say. But I can guarantee you’ll go on and on about this new guy. It’s a pattern with you.’
‘I don’t see how this is at all relevant,’ said Felicity.
‘Soon he’ll do something you might not like, we’ll get together and we’ll over analyse him. You’ll stress about what he’s not doing and soon you’ll be consumed by it. On the one hand you think you’re available and wonder why he starts pulling away.’
‘I don’t get it.’
‘That’s your pattern. In the beginning things will be great, and then he’ll do something that will shake you. It will then be something that continues to eat at you. And while you think you’re available you really aren’t. You’re wondering about him.’
‘So?’
‘Be available and this one will work out.’
‘I am.’
‘To be available is to be here, to be independent and to get on with your life. Don’t spend your hours thinking about him, it will totally turn him off you.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘I think you know.’
Felicity leaned into the base of the couch. She had to admit that Sahara had a point. But to Sahara, it wasn’t about Felicity, it was about her. She was terrified of loosing herself to Eugene. She was terrified of giving up her independence, hence the constant fight for control. It frightened her so much that she wondered why she’d agreed to marry him.
‘Don’t sweat it. You’ll be fine,’ said Sahara.
‘That was some insight. Are you sure we’re really talking about Fel here?’
‘Maybe not.’ Sahara had to admit.
They gazed at her.
‘Please don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts.’
She sucked in a deep breath and dropped her head. For a moment she fiddled with the folder.
‘Sahara? Nooo!’ Emily watched her friend.
Sahara bit back her lip. ‘I don’t know. I feel as though I’m loosing myself. This pep talk wasn’t for you, it was for me. I can’t do this.’
‘Don’t say that. What do you mean you can’t do this?’
‘I can’t marry him, not yet, not now.’
‘What happened to living in the moment? You were on a roll, you even set the date.’ Emily was stunned.
‘I know, I know.’ She puffed. ‘I know. I just feel like I’m loosing parts of myself.’
‘You know that’s not possible,’ said Emily. ‘You of all people know that.’
‘That’s the thing. I know it here.’ She pointed to her head. ‘But I don’t know it here.’ She pointed to her heart. ‘It’s one thing to know it, it’s a whole new ball game to practice it.’
‘But you were so happy. You look happy,’ said Felicity.
‘I was caught up in the moment. I…’
‘What’s going on honey? Is everything okay?’
Sahara wiped away a tear. She loved him, there was no doubt about that, but she didn’t want to give herself up for him. She couldn’t understand why it was so hard to let go of that thought.
‘He gave me five million pounds!’ She blurted.
‘Flippin eck!’ Felicity choked on her lukewarm drink.
‘Five million pounds! Christ! Sounds like the man I’d want to marry.’ Emily teased.
‘I don’t want it.’
‘I’ll have it,’ said Felicity.
‘You don’t understand. I have a successful flower business. I don’t need this money.’
‘But he gave it to you.’
‘I know that and I’m trying to accept this, but the more I try, the harder it gets. I just feel like I’m becoming his.’
‘Honey, your mind is warped,’ said Emily. ‘It’s just money.’
‘No it isn’t. Money is power, it’s time, it’s not everything, but it can be used as such.’
‘Do you really think he’s going to use it against you?’
‘No of course not. I just don’t feel comfortable with it.’
‘Then give it back,’ said Emily.
‘I tried that. He doesn’t want it back.’
‘Try again, and if he still doesn’t want it, I’ll have it.’
‘I’m serious, F
elicity.’
‘I’m sorry, I’m just trying to cheer you up,’ she said.
‘What am I going to do?’ She leaned into Emily’s shoulder.
‘The only thing you can do,’ she said.
‘What’s that?’ She sniffed.
‘Tell him. He loves you. If it’s time you need, he’ll wait.’
‘I don’t think I need time.’
‘Then what do you need?’
‘Freedom.’
‘You already have it,’ said Emily.
‘Not if I get married. The minute I get married I’ll feel like I’ve been trapped. There will be all these expectations.’
‘It’s nothing like that, look at Myles and I.’
‘And that’s the problem. It isn’t the fact that marriage can’t work. It’s the fact that my mind can’t accept it. I can’t force it into submission.’
‘Oh boy.’ Emily rubbed Sahara’s back gently.
‘I know. I’m sorry guys, you’ll have to hold back your excitement. For now.’ She took comfort in Emily’s gentle rub. There was more worrying her than she was telling them. She wondered if it was all in her head. But marrying Eugene would just make things a lot more complicated.
Not a lot was said between them after that. It was an awkward situation. They tried to cheer Sahara up, to look at the bright side of things, but it wasn’t any help. The truth was, she was going to have to face Eugene alone, and it scared her. She knew that he wanted nothing more than to marry her, she just wasn’t sure she was ready to give that part of herself yet. She’d spent a lot of her life dealing with illness, there had never been enough time to give to herself. Things were always done for her, but what did she want.
Finally, Sahara found the courage to go home.
‘Are you going to tell him?’ asked Emily.
‘I have to. I have to be true to me.’
‘I don’t know what to say. I am gutted though. I mean this was something we all wanted.’
‘And that’s the problem. Everyone else wants it for me, I don’t think I’ve ever had time to ask myself what I want.’
Emily nodded. Each of them gave her a hug and she took steps towards her car. She sat in the car for a while and took a few deep breaths. Her stomach churned and she felt a little dizzy. It took her a moment to gather her strength, to finally turn the ignition and start the journey home.
****
When Sahara got home, Eugene was relaxed in the living-room. There was an aroma of lamb that came from the kitchen. She looked at her watch, it was no where near dinner time, but it didn’t bother her. What bothered her was what she was about to tell him.
‘Hey, you’re back.’ He sat up and beamed. ‘Don’t worry about the food, Lawrence is leaving early so he’s just making sure we don’t starve tonight.’
‘It’s the weekend, I was supposed to teach you how to cook.’
‘Yes, of course, there’s always tomorrow. He isn’t in tomorrow.’
She smiled slightly and walked very slowly up to him. She could hear her heart pumping, her hands felt a little shaky too.
‘Is everything alright, it looks like you’ve just seen a ghost.’ He watched.
Sahara took a few more steps towards him and sat on the couch.
‘We need to talk.’
‘Oh no, I don’t like the sound of that.’
She pursed her lips.
‘Are you feeling sick?’
‘It’s not that, it’s…’
‘What is it honey, whatever it is, I’m here.’
She took a deep breath. She was doing a lot of that lately. If she just said it, it would be over! The longer she held onto it, the harder it would become and the more pain she would feel.
‘I can’t marry you,’ she let out finally.
He was silent. He let the words filter through his body and hit his stomach like a heavy rock. He looked at her, there was a flood of questions that came to mind, but he had no idea how to articulate them.
‘I don’t understand. Urm…’
‘I just feel overwhelmed. I feel as though I’m losing myself in all of this. I feel like I’m living your life instead of mine.’
‘I still don’t understand. I thought this was what you want.’
‘No, it’s what you want.’
‘No, it’s what we want. I love you.’
‘I love you too.’
‘Then what’s the problem?’
‘I just don’t want to get married, and I don’t want the five million pounds.’
‘Is that what this is about?’ He sighed.
‘No, it’s everything. The house, the money…’
‘These are only things. I thought you and I were all that mattered.
‘It is, that’s why I think it’s best if we wait.’
He leaned back into the couch and clasped his hands to the back of his head. He couldn’t understand women. He never had and he never will. But this woman wasn’t just any woman to him. She was the woman. The woman he’d do anything for. The one he’d cross an ocean for.
‘Wait for how long exactly?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Aren’t you the one who believes we should live in the moment? The moment I met you was the moment I wanted to make you my wife. It means the world to me.’
‘And to me. I just need to pace myself.’
‘Why?’ He was getting frustrated. ‘Why the hell do you need to do that?’
‘Because I need me. I want me back.’
‘Where have you been?’ He asked flabbergasted.
‘I don’t know, but if I keep letting you do things for me, I’ll never know.’
‘I’m not doing things for you, I’m doing things for us.’
‘Take back the card.’
‘No, it was a gift, that money is yours.’
She breathed heavily.
‘You are one stubborn woman, Sahara Young. I will never understand you. I just won’t.’
‘You don’t have to. I am who I am.’
‘Stubborn!’ He bit back.
‘Please don’t be upset with me.’
‘How can I not be? I’ve done nothing, but love you! I’ve done everything in my power to prove to you that I want you in my life no matter what.’
‘Then you’ll wait. You’ll give me a chance to digest this, get used to the idea.’
‘How long?’ He gazed at her. ‘How long do I have to wait, because I don’t want to wait indefinitely.’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Perfect!’ He felt upset.
‘I’m sorry. Please understand where I’m coming from. This is a lot for me to take on board.’
‘I understand alright! You don’t want to marry me, you don’t want my money and you don’t want to move in with me!’
‘That’s not it. I’m just asking for time.’
He rubbed his forehead and let out a deep sigh. ‘Fine! If that’s what you want.’ He stood up.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m just going to get some air, if that’s okay with you.’
She was silent, Sahara didn’t know what else to say or do. He picked up his mobile phone, made a call and within fifteen minutes he’d left the house. As soon as the door slammed behind him, she burst into tears.
****
‘Thanks for meeting with me. Sorry to have pulled you away from your life.’ Eugene joined Myles at the table at the Friends of Ham bar.
‘Gosh I remember this place, good place!’ Eugene laughed lightly.
‘Yep, our hang out.’ Myles looked around the crowd. ‘Lucky I got the table. Some people were leaving just as I arrived.’
‘Yeah, it’s a tricky place to find seating, but love it all the same. ‘Do you want another pint?’ Eugene noticed Myles’s glass was almost empty.
‘Nah, not yet. Tell me, what’s up? This is not like you.’
‘Well, I’ve never been in love before.’ He laughed.
‘I’ve got to hand it to you, you ce
rtainly had me fooled. I never thought I’d hear you say that, mate.’
‘Yeah, well it’s happened. That woman drives me crazy in every sense of the word.’
‘She is a strong woman.’ He laughed. ‘That’s the thing about women, you’ve got to give them what they want.’
‘That’s what I’m doing.’
‘That’s what you think you’re doing. You think that every woman wants a man to rescue them, but Sahara is different. I told you that in the beginning. You’ve got to remember she’s beat cancer twice. The courage it took for her to get through that is amazing. She isn’t a woman who wants to be swept of her feet.’
‘It’s clear I have no idea about women. Just when I thought I did.’
‘Correction, you have no idea what Sahara wants. Don’t put her under the title women. You have to treat her as an individual. I learnt that with Emily.’
‘So tell me, what should I do.’
‘You’re asking me for help?’ He laughed. ‘I have to record this.’ He pulled out his mobile.
‘Oh don’t be silly.’
‘C’mon, this is the first time you’ve asked me for help with regards to women. It’s phenomenal.’
Eugene laughed and shook his head. ‘Do you want me to get you that pint now?’
‘Yeah, go on, and then I can give you a run down about what to do.’
‘I can’t wait,’ he said sarcastically.
He took his time to weave himself through the crowd and finally get upstairs. He ordered two beers after waiting a while, and then headed back downstairs.
‘So do you or don’t you want my advice?’ asked Myles.
‘I do, I’m not clued up on women as much as I thought I was.’
‘Correction, on Sahara.’
‘Yes, that’s correct.’ He smiled faintly
It was the first time a woman’s behaviour had actually affected him. Most times, when a woman threw a ‘tantrum’, that was what it was in his eyes, he was able to shake it off, but this wasn’t that simple. He knew for a fact Sahara wasn’t having a tantrum, but he just wished he could reach her somehow.
‘Well, Sahara is an amazing woman. She strong and independent.’
‘One of the reasons I love her. Not forgetting she’s also extremely stubborn.’
‘But she doesn’t have to be.’
He looked at his friend a little confused.
‘You’ve got to step back, stop pushing.’