by Jaci J
“Tank? Everything okay?” I wasn’t expecting him to call me, so it makes me wonder.
“Where the fuck ya at?” Taking a deep breath, I go to answer but Andrew speaks up.
“So do you think I could add that shit about his childhood?”
“Who the fuck is that?” Tank growls into the phone.
Pulling the phone away from my ear, I tell Andrew, “Just give me a second please.” Putting the phone back to my ear, I tell Tank, “Sorry. I’m at the library tutoring.”
“Who the fucks the dude, Lilly?” Lilly? Instantly I feel defeated. He’s trying to pick a fight. I’m not going to win no matter what I tell him. He could be a ninety-year old man who was comatose and Tank would still be crazy about it.
“Tank, stop. He’s a student that asked for my help when I was on my way out.”
“Yeah?” He questions me. He doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me, but I’m in no mood to argue with him.
“Yes Tank.”
“Needed you, but since you’re too fuckin’ busy with Andrew, I’ll let you help him.”
“Tank…” is as far as I get before he disconnects the phone. My heart dips and my head sags. I want to throw my hands up and say “Fuck It!” Fuck. I give up.
After leaving the college, I find myself at the club. No clue why since Tank was a huge asshole on the phone, but here I am anyway, like the fucking doormat I’ve seem to become. It’s a place I’ve been avoiding since having that talk with Tank three days ago. I haven’t heard from him except for earlier, but I haven’t seen him at all. It’s not like I’ve called or looked for him. This divide is wearing on me. I miss him, and it feels so goddamn wrong to go this long without, at the very least, speaking to him. In the past he’s gone on runs for a week or two, but we always talked. He’s always been there in some way.
Sitting in my car, I stare at the door, debating whether or not to go in when Tank and King walk out of the front door. For a long moment Tank stops and stares at me blankly. There is absolutely no emotion when he looks at me. I wonder if I should wave? Maybe I should get out and talk to him. Should I just ignore him for being an ass hat?
I wave and give him a little smile, because at the very least, I want him to know I see him. As much as he pisses me off, I never want him to feel like I don’t care.
I don’t have the chance to get out and talk to him ‘cause without so much as an acknowledgement, he gets on his bike. His cut covered back is turned toward me as he slips on his aviators and avoids me.
Cranking up his bike, he doesn’t even look my way. A little piece of my heart dies knowing he doesn’t care enough to acknowledge me. I showed up. I didn’t have to, but I did. Throwing my Jeep in reverse, I get the fuck out of there. I’m not going to let him see how much he makes me hurt.
Walking into Gin and Peaches place, it’s quiet and dark. I hate it. They have a nice place that’s homey and lived in, but it’s not my home. It’s not Tanks place.
After taking a quick shower, I throw on some sweats and grab a glass of wine from the kitchen. Hell, I should just forgo the glass and just straight shot the bottle. Flopping back on the couch, I set about channel surfing. I watch mindless terrible TV for a while, drink my wine and sulk.
A loud knock on the door a few hours later startles me, but before I can get up, the door opens with a loud bang and in stomps Rampages giant body. It never ceases to amaze me how fucking huge he is. He looks around and his eyes stop on me. Something along the lines of pity and anger stare back at me.
“What the fuck ya doin’ in here in the dark, all by your damn self drinkin’? Throwin’ a fuckin’ pity party, is that it sis?” He asks me.
Holding up the remote, I tell him, “Channel surfin’?”.
This pity party only has room for one, but he plops down next to me and jerks the remote out of my hands as usual. Men and gadgets. Guess he wants an invite to my sad shindig.
“Not no more, sis,” he says with a smirk. Flipping through the channels, he finally asks after hijacking the remote, “What do ya wanna watch?”
“I really don’t care.”
“Still lettin’ that asshole get to ya, I see.” He say’s rolling his head toward me and giving me a lazy look. How could I not? He holds my heart in his hands and is currently using it for batting practice.
“I’m alright. I’m a survivor, and I’ll survive this too.”
“I know you’ll fuckin’ survive. But I know shits eatin’ at ya.”
“How do you know that?” I don’t know why I ask because it’s so obvious. I’m a sad ass mess.
“How long I known ya?” he asks plainly. We’ve known each other for so long.
“Since I was little.”
“Yeah sis, I have. Know when somethin’ is really botherin’ you ‘cause it’s always in your eyes. Your mom was the same way. They were her tell. I can tell this shit’s eatin’ at ya. Ya gotta let it go, darlin’. Not a goddamn thing you can do ‘bout it ‘cause he’s gonna have to want it for himself. He’s not gonna do it for either of ya, so you have to accept it and move the fuck on.”
“How?”
“I know that stupid motherfucker loves ya. Let him the fuck go Lil. Sooner or later, he’ll figure it the fuck out, but don’t let him take you on this ride with him. Ya don’t deserve that. Ain’t your shit to work through, it’s his, n’ he’s the asshole who’s gotta do it. Just move forward. Shove down all the negative n’ go the fuck forward. Suck it up sis.”
Suck it up? Yeah because I haven’t been trying that. Rampage has always been in my life. Always in the background though, quietly watching. I know he has a bad temper and some fucked up shit goin’ on in that head of his, but for all that temper and badass, there is a big heart in there. It just takes a lot of digging to find it. I know he’s right, he usually is.
“But still don’t get the whole “love” shit. Not worth no one’s goddamn time.” He grumbles.
“How’d you get so damn smart?” I counter.
Tapping himself on the forehead he says, “All that listenin’ n’ not talkin’ I do. Learn a lot ‘bout motherfuckers that way darlin’.”
We hang out watching dumb shit for a while, so I decide to go get us some food. I’m standing in the kitchen making me and Rampage something to eat when I hear my phone ring.
“Will ya get that?” I call for Rampage. He’s been silent since his advice, and I appreciate the silent company and support. He’s always been good for that. A moment later he comes into the kitchen looking mildly annoyed.
Handing me my phone he grumbles, “We gotta go. Somethin’ ‘bout Tank bleedin’ all over the fuckin’ club floor.”
9
Bleeding Like a Stuck Pig
Tank
My arm stings like a bitch. Nothing a little tequila and a blunt can’t fix.
“You’re going to need some stitches for that.” The good doctor says, pushing his glasses back up his nose. I figured as much. Fuck, I’m bleeding like a stuck pig all over the place and I think I can see bone. King drug that damn dirt bike right the fuck over my arm, leaving a nasty slice.
“Well then, stitch it up doc.”
“Would you like some medication for it?” Does he really fucking think he needs to ask me that?
“Fuck yes. The good shit.”
A couple of pokes and I’m numb as a motherfucker. Too bad he couldn’t do that shit to my heart.
“What the fuck ya do?” Stitch stares down at my arm as doc sews it up.
“King’s a stupid asshole.”
Throwing his head back, King laughs and raises his beer in some half-assed toast. Stitch shakes his head and walks away. Getting pretty fucking sick of all the looks and disapproving stares. Fucking assholes. They don’t stop that shit, I’ll be breaking faces real soon. Sitting at the bar with my arm on a towel, the doc starts the pulling and tugging, sewing my shit up as I start my drinking and smoking routine.
“Shit Tank
, what happened?” My baby’s voice asks all soft and sweet, just like I like it. I hear her from somewhere beside me. I’m numb, high and feeling fucking good. Somewhere deep down, I knew she’d come. She always does. Turning my head over on my rested arms I see her standing by me. She’s leaning over the bar, staring at my arm. Fuck I’ve missed those eyes. The way she’s looking at me with sadness, love, and with her whole heart has me feeling fucking desperate all of a sudden. I feel out of control. I want her here. I don’t’ want her to ever fucking leave me again.
“Aye baby, c’mere.” I just want her close to me. Holding my hand out to her, she steps toward me and right into me, where I want her to be. I have no fucking clue what’s gonna happen tomorrow, no fucking clue if this is the last time I’ll see her, touch her, or even be near her again, so I have to have her. Just can’t let this shit go.
“Let’s go.”
“Tank,” she says hesitantly. I watch her battle my request. I know she doesn’t really want to come with me, but her love for me won’t let her tell me no, and I’ll use that against her to get my fix, always hurting her to get what I need. If I was a good guy I wouldn’t do this shit to her. I wouldn’t ask her to do shit I know she doesn’t want to, but I’m not a nice guy.
“Just want you Lil.” She takes my hand and comes with me. No questions asked.
Pushing her body up against the bathroom door she molds right into me. Those legs go instantly around my waist, arms around my neck and fingers digging as I touch every square inch of her body. I run my hands over every sexy curve and feel every part of that perfect fucking body pressed against mine. Those big tits pressed against my chest, that sweet pussy rubbing against my dick. I am fucking crazy for her. I crave her like a fucking junky, and she’s a fucking habit I just can’t kick.
Alcohol runs through my veins, pain meds numb my body, and the weed makes shit hazy, but I can still feel her. I’d know this body anywhere. I’ll always know my baby’s body.
“Why do you keep doin’ this shit to me?” she asks in a pained whisper against my neck. I know I’m slowly killing her, but still she lets me. Fuck, I don’t think I could even stop if I wanted to. Biting down on my skin, she licks her way up my neck. Shit makes me so goddamn hard, it’s painful. This isn’t to hurt her, this shit’s all for me.
“Shut up baby. Just for tonight. Give it to me tonight.” I know she will because she’d never tell me no. She loves me to goddamn much. And like a selfish prick I take it from her. I’ll keep on taking until there’s nothing left of her for anyone else.
I don’t do this shit nice. This is for me. Pushing that skirt to her hips and barely pulling my dick out of my pants I shove into her hard, so rough that her head hits the door. Pulling all the way out, I slam back into her tight, wet pussy so hard my balls slap against her ass. Her fingers are biting into my shoulders hard, her nails breaking skin. Her legs tighten around me as she holds onto me like her life depends on it. I fuck her hard, giving it to her rough and mean.
This shit is worth dying for, yet I don’t even fuck her on the bed. I take it from her right here against the door of this dirty fucking bathroom like she’s some club whore. I didn’t even take her panties off, I just slipped them to the side and shoved into her. She’s so fuckin’ warm and wet, gripping the fuck out of my dick when I slide in and out. She’s always so fuckin’ tight that the shit makes my balls ache. I feel that wetness running down my dick and it’s amazing. Even if she hates me, her body still craves mine. She might not want me, but I can still get her pussy wet.
“God fuckin’ damn, Lil. Your pussy always wants me. You know no one but me will ever own this shit.”
This shit is so fucked up. So good and so fucking sad. Pulling out fast, I slam back into her hard as she bites down on my lip. Tearing at my hair, pulling at my clothes, hurting what little skin she can find. She’s trying to hurt me. There is no skin on skin. The only shit I can feel is that sweet pussy and it’s not enough. She’s trying to keep her body from me. I’ll never fucking have enough of her.
“I hate you,” she whispers around my lips.
“Baby yeah, I know you do.” I fuck her like I hate her. I fuck her like I love her. I fuck her like it’s the last time.
****
Fucking Lil last night just made things worse. I fucked her and let her walk away just like any bar bitch. She pulled that skirt back down and walked out the door, tears in her eyes and hate rolling off her in waves. She left without a goddamn word to me. Her hate is a potent thing, it’s so goddamn thick it was almost palpable. I could feel it.
I know this shit fucks with her. I know she’s confused. I know she’s scared. I know she wants to get away from me. But I also know she’d do anything for me. I know she’ll never be able to tell me no. As much as it kills me to hurt her like this, I can’t help myself. I just can’t fucking stop.
This last time was different ‘cause it was for me. That shit wasn’t for her. I treated her like gash, like some bitch not even worth any more time than it took to fuck her.
During times like this, when I lie down alone in this uncomfortable ass bed at the club, I wonder why I do this. Why I keep putting us both through this. I promise myself I’ll fix shit; I’ll get it together enough to get my woman back. I’ll treat her the way I know she deserves.
Then I have one of those dreams, and all that shit blows up in my face. A few hours later, I’m right back to square one with her. I’m right back to drinking myself to death and trying desperately to get her the fuck out of my head and system, but feeling like shit for thinking about her that way.
****
It’s been a week and I haven’t seen or heard from her. She avoids me now and don’t want shit to do with me. I hate not knowing what’s going on with her. I know she’s around ‘cause my brothers keep me updated. It’s not enough, but it keeps me from losing my fucking mind. The small updates and information about her keep me from starving.
I feel empty and lost without her and I’m fucking going insane. Fuck, I want so badly to go back to before that night. I want to forget all the fucked up shit I saw. I want the dreams and guilt to go the fuck away.
I try to focus my attention on the club instead of Lil, working to figure out all the legal shit for Low. I try to keep every fuckin’ thing together for my brothers, but all that shit requires me to be sober. When I’m sober I think of Lil. When I think about Lil, shit goes downhill real quick. So I drink, and when I drink, I can’t focus on my club. I’m stuck in this vicious cycle I can’t get out of. It’s eating me alive and slowly but surely, it will kill me and I’ll probably take her right along with me. No matter what I fuckin’ do, we keep crashing and burning. I’m just waiting until the crash is too bad to come back from.
****
I’m sitting at the bar, where I spend most of my time now, when I hear her laughter drifting in through the door. I miss that sweet ass smile when she used to look at me like I’m the only asshole on the planet for her. I miss the way she lights up for me. I miss her laugh. Miss the way she loves me. I miss it all.
“Oh please, shut the fuck up. I didn’t butcher it that bad.” she giggles. It’s my favorite fucking sound, until I hear Rampages deep gruff laugh with hers.
“Whatever ya fuckin’ say Sis.”
In they walk together. Lil’s smiling over at Rampage ash he’s laughing down at her. Shit slices into me. She’s not looking at him like she used to look at me, but she’s still looking at him with something close to love, and that look is nothing like the ones she gives me now. I get nothing but disappointment and disgust.
Things start to get a little hazy and I know I’m about to flip my shit. I’ll kill them both. I don’t want to, but I will.
“Lil! Get the fuck in the office now!” Her big brown eyes swing in my direction. She looks a little surprised to see me, but there’s no guilt there. Deep down I know she wouldn’t do that shit. She’s loyal to a fault, but still I can’t stop myself.
�
�Tank … ”
“Get in the fuckin’ office.” She doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t even bat an eye as she shakes her head sadly and gives me those heartbreaking eyes, turns around and walks out the door. She really just walked the fuck away from me. That’s a fuckin’ first.
Turning my attention to Rampage, I feel the rage work its way up and the need to break something has me on edge. He says one wrong thing, I’m breaking his motherfucking neck.
“You fuckin’ Lil?” I throw at him. His eyes widen and he gapes at me. Yeah the motherfucker actually looks shocked, but it doesn’t last long. Rampage is not an asshole you fuck with. You bring shit to him, you better be ready to take it right back. He’s one of the only person I try to avoid throwing shit at, but right now I just don’t give a fuck.
“You’re shittin’ me, right?” he asks lamely.
“Sure the fuck ain’t. What the fuck was that shit?” I nod at the door Lil just walked through.
“You drunk?” He throws back. I ignore his little dig.
“You looked pretty fuckin’ cozy n’ friendly with Lil.” Even to myself I sound crazy. I’ve got crazy pouring out of me.
“Well, you look pretty fuckin’ stupid,” he counters without a second thought.
“Fuck you.” All kinds of crazy shit runs through my head and I just let that shit spill out everywhere. It’s like once I start I can’t stop.
“You finally lose your goddamn mind?” he asks calmly.
“Sure the fuck haven’t. You tryin’ to fuck my Old Lady?” He actually laughs. Throws his head back and laughs at my question. I don’t let him laugh long. Planting my fist into his chin, he shuts up real quick. Done laughing so fast?
“Imma let ya have that one, brother. Here’s some education for your stupid ass.” He growls at me, shoving his hands into his pockets, probably trying to keep himself from beating me to death.
“Ain’t tryin’ to fuck with Lil. She’s been like a sister to me since long before your ass came along fuckin’ shit up, so don’t bring your shit to me. I’m helpin’ her out. She needed shit moved from your place, so like real family does, I helped her. If your head wasn’t so far up your motherfuckin’ ass, you’d figure it out.” Rampage doesn’t speak much, but when he does he doesn’t hold shit in.