by Jaci J
“Imma stop ya right there. Details I do not need to hear.” She giggles and holds her hands out dramatically.
“Two handfuls. You know how amazing that is?” Yeah I know. I had one of those back home. Even during girl time, Tank invades my thoughts. Damn him.
Lying in my adopted bed for the night, everything feels wrong. I’m a few hundred miles away from Tank, but he’s right here with me. He’s all I can think about. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all there making me miss him. No matter what I do, he’s there. Love fucking sucks.
11
Arsenic
Tank
“Knew I should have beat the fuck outta you when Low gave the order.” Gin paces back and forth in the corner while cracking his knuckles, glaring at me. “You were in charge. Low left this shit for you to handle and you said you got it. You were supposed to keep shit on the outside goin’. I’ve been handlin’ as much shit as I can, but can’t do it all.” He growls at me. Fuck him and his order. Fuck Low too.
“Lost us a deal, lost us a fuck ton of money. You let that little fucker get a piece of the shipment ‘cause you were fucking slippin’ brother. You’ve been too fucked up to see it. You cost us, but I decided to let it go ‘cause with the shit you’ve been putting Lil through, didn’t wanna put more shit on her by fuckin’ you up. But not now. No fuckin’ way now I am lettin’ that shit slide, not after what you did to my sister.”
He’s right, I let that little fucker get away with stealing from us, but what the fuck ever. I’ll get that piece of shit one way or another.
“Stand the fuck up,” Gin growls down at me. Blood is dripping from his mouth as he stares me down with pure hatred. He’s brimming with contained rage as he waits for me to get back up and throw fists.
Pushing off the couch, I get back up, wipe the blood from my mouth and face the asshole head on. I can feel blood still pooling in my mouth and if that fucker knocked a tooth out, I’m gonna kill him. I will rip his goddamn head off.
Spitting on the ground by his feet, I see nothing but blood on the ground, but not teeth. Fuck it, I smile at him. Why not have a little fun? Low ordered this and I might as well take it. I’m trying my fucking hardest not to fight back and let him have this because this isn’t just for shits and giggles, this is a goddamn order, but it took me truly fucking over Lil to get it from Gin. He held off, but there’s no fucking way around it now. I gave Gin one to the mouth when he started to get a little too personal for my taste. He wants to do this shit over his issues with me and the club, fine. Lil is off fucking limits.
Shit isn’t in my DNA to take a hit and not hit back, but I know I’ve got this shit comin’. I deserve it tenfold. Fuck, if Low was here, I’d probably be in a body bag halfway to the morgue already. This is how we handle shit around here. There is no chatting about our feelings. We communicate with our fists. Fuck it’s hard to hold back when he’s beating the fuck out of my face though.
“Took her mom dying and Low needing her to get her the fuck back home, took ya ‘a fuckin’ year to make her leave us.”
That one stung like a bitch as he puts his fist into my nose. Shaking my head, I try to push the sting away. I stumble back a little, my eyes water instantly and I’m pretty fucking sure the asshole broke my fucking nose because it swells instantly. I wipe the blood away and face him again.
“Fuck you.”
“At the club? In the goddamn office that Lil works in? You fucked all this shit up when she showed up and fuckin’ saw you asshole. Saw that dead bitch Trix laid up on you, and now that whore’s blood is on you. You broke our girls heart n’ now imma break your goddamn face.”
I took it from Happy and Gin. They both laid into me good while Stitch and Tiny watched with happy as fuck smiles on their goddamn faces. Happy and Gin got a little of it back, but I took that shit because I deserved it.
Cracking his knuckles, Rampage smirks at me from his silent post by the door. “My turn, motherfucker.”
****
Lying on the bed at the club, every fucking thing about me hurts. My face is fucked up. I’m pretty fucking sure Gin broke my nose, blacked my eye, and spread the bruises around. He fucked up my right cheek too. Happy busted up my lip and left a nice fist sized lump and bruise on my stomach. Oh but Rampage had the most fun. I think he broke my jaw. The fucking asshole laid into me good. If Gin didn’t break my nose, Rampage sure the fuck did. I think he broke a few ribs and if he didn’t break ‘em, he sure the fuck cracked ‘em. I’m bruised from head to toe. Shit aches so goddamn bad, but it’s my heart that hurts the worse.
I fucked shit up so bad I don’t think I could ever get Lil to come back from it. This shit is so much worse than when I left her alone at my place. I broke something in her that’ll never be fixed. And if it could be fixed, I wouldn’t have the slightest idea where to start. I can’t even fix my goddamn self. I hate that this is where we are and I hate that I caused all this damage and hurt. I should pack up my shit and go nomad for a while, give everyone a fuckin’ break.
“Why’d you fuckin’ do it asshole?” Peaches screams at me, pointing wildly. “Haven’t you fucked her over enough? Why’d you hurt her like this?”
“None of your fuckin’ business, bitch.” I snap at her. Cali is standing in my doorway, watching quietly while Peaches is behind her making all kinds of noise, trying to push her way in here. If she can make it, I’m gonna smack the fuck out of her.
“None of my business?” Peaches repeats slowly.
“You stupid? You fuckin’ heard me.”
Charging at the door, Peaches looks ready to kill me. Cali braces her arm on the other side of the doorway to stop Peaches. I don’t know why I’m eggin’ her on. I shouldn’t even bother. Jesus Christ, I don’t want to hear it from her. I already got it from the guys, I don’t need her shit too.
“Fuck you! You’re fuckin’ disgusting. I can’t believe you fucked that nasty piece of gash over Lil.”
Her words make my gut twist painfully. I fuck up so goddamn bad. Sadly I don’t even know what I did or didn’t do last night. I was so goddamn fucked up I can’t remember anything past seeing Lil’s key on my kitchen counter. That was it for me. I might have fucked that stupid bitch; I might not have. God, I was so fucking high I’m not even sure I could have gotten it up if I wanted to. I’m so fucking stupid. I should have fought harder. I should have never let that shit go. Part of me wants to tell Peaches I might not have fucked that gash, but what’s the point? They saw that bitch naked on me and that shit didn’t look good. They’re not gonna believe me anyway. Fuck it.
“I hate you!” She screams at me. Yeah bitch well I hate me enough for the both of us.
****
“Here, asshole.” Cali says sitting down next to me on my bed a while later. No knock, nothing. She just came right in, making herself comfortable as she leans against the headboard, pushing me over. Rolling over to look at her she looks shocked and a little squeamish when she sees my face.
“Oh fuck. Yeah, you’re really gonna need these.” Holding her hand out to me, she hands me four white pills and a shot. I lift, or at least try to, an enquiring eye at her.
“It’s the good stuff honey,” she assures me. Fuck it. I throw the shit back and chase it with the liquor.
“Why you here Cali?”
She shrugs her shoulders and looks like she’s thinking about it. “Not really sure since I fuckin’ hate ya n’ the fact you ran our sister off, but I know Lil would hate to see you like this n’ I love her, so here I am taking care of her man because he’s too much of a fuckin’ mess to do it himself.” That one stung.
“Thanks.” I tell her sarcastically. I may be fucked up, but I didn’t miss her little jabs. She’s not in here for me. This shits all for Lil.
“Don’t thank me. If I had it my way, those would’ve been somethin’ to kill your ass. Considerin’ Lil loves you n’ so do your brothers, I settled on two drugs instead, but don’t get it twisted. You don’t fix this shit with
Lil n’ get her ass back home to us, it’ll be some Arsenic in your meatloaf next time.” She says and smiles sweetly at me. No clue how Stitch puts up with her scary ass.
“Sorry I fucked shit up.” I give her my half-assed apology. No clue why I’m telling her sorry. It wasn’t her heart I broke. Cali isn’t the woman I fucked over.
She shakes her head and says, “No, you’re not. If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have kept doin’ it to her.” Alright then, whatever.
“Not gonna argue with you Cali.” Again she shakes her head.
“I know your fuckin’ not, but what you’re gonna do is pull it together n’ fix it. It’s your job.”
“Yeah?” I challenge her, even though I’d rather grab up my bottle and drown my problems instead of sit here and bullshit with Cali.
“Yeah Tank. You’re a fuckin’ man. You fix shit n’ hold it down, it’s your goddamn job. That shit that happened with Lil was bad. She almost died on you, but she almost died on us too.” I go to say something but she stops me with a hand in my face. “Shut up. You’re gonna listen to me.” Damn this bitch is annoying.
“That shit that night was as bad as it gets, but it’s your job as Lil’s man to be strong for her, not the other way around. She’s the one who went through being tortured, beaten and shot, not you. Yet, she was taking care of you and making excuses for your sorry ass ‘cause you cant’ let people help you. You ever stop to think with all the shit from that night, the shit with her mom, and the shit with Low now, that she may need your ass? Your Old Lady, your Lil may need someone to lean on? Maybe she needs someone to be strong for her? She’s been through all this shit, and she’s the one who’s been handlin’ your stupid ass. I hope you feel less than a man, because you are. Everyone sees you this way now and you should feel ashamed that it was your woman who should’ve had you to help her through it, not you havin’ your woman takin’ care of you.” Well Fuck.
How many times have I tried to think of ways to move past this? I’m so goddamn selfish I didn’t even think about it that way. She’s so fucking strong, I never thought she’d need me. Again I go to say something, but she shuts me right up.
“You shut your fuckin’ mouth, square your shoulders n’ buck the fuck up for her when she needs you. You’re gettin’ stressed ‘bout it or shit is botherin’ you, you bring that shit to your brothers. You know they’ll help you. Don’t put that shit on her. She’s lost so much already, almost lost her life, so can’t you stop your own fuckin’ pity party to see that? Don’t let your shit fuck her up any more than it already has. She loves you. You love her. So what the fuck is the problem? You have to prepare yourself for the fact that Lil will die someday.” I don’t wanna hear that kind of shit.
“Don’t say that fucked up shit to me.”
“Shut up Tank.” She glares at me. I decide to shut up so she’ll hurry and get out of my room. “Lil will die. It’s life. We all will, but sittin’ ‘round, constantly thinkin’ about it ain’t livin’. Wasn’t your fault Josh was crazy. Not a goddamn one of us saw that comin’. Shit happened, but you can’t live everyday worried she’ll die. Life ain’t worth livin’ if you’re gonna live it like that. Love her n’ enjoy her while you’ve got her Tank. If you hadn’t fucked it all up, you would’ve had your forever with her. She loved you like that. You have to wanna do it for yourself, but please, for Lil, you need to fix this. She deserves that much.” She deserves so much more than that.
****
A few weeks later …
So I’ve pulled my fucking shit together, sort of. I still drink because it helps fill the void that was created when Lil left me, and I still have the fucking dreams. I stay at the club ‘cause goin’ home without her isn’t an option. I don’t sleep at night, don’t eat often … hell, I don’t do a whole hell of anything, but I have pulled it together enough to keep this fuckin’g club going. I keep it together enough to not completely fuck it all up with my brothers. I keep it together enough so that if and when Lil decides to come back home to me, there will be something for her to come home to. Everything that Cali said hit home. Out of all the shit she spewed at me, I got it. I need to hold shit down. For me and Lil, I need to work this shit out because I’ve decided I will not live without her.
“You ready?” I ask Blade, giving a chin lift towards the cracked and peeling front door. No window, no peephole. This motherfucker has no idea we’re outside. Nodding his head, he goes for the porch of the old run down house we’re at. Taking cautious steps, he makes sure to keep his eyes on the door. We’ve got his back. It’s rainy and wet outside, but the heavy pounding of the rain helps to drown out any noise.
I hug the wall, letting the roof overhang keep me as dry as possible. Stitch cocks his head towards me to the side, then he nods over, around the corner and holds up his hand. He signals there are two guys on that side. Looking at Rampage he holds up one finger. One guy on his side. Four of them, six of us. Blade does a quick sweep of the porch and nods me forward. Kicking in the front door, I hold it open with my foot and I nod for him to go in ahead of me.
This is the asshole that I let slip and he stole from us. You steal from us, you’re not only stealing from my club and brothers, but you’re stealing from my family. Stealing from our Old Ladies and our kids. Fuck that shit. I may have missed what he did, but we’re here to get it back. You don’t have our money? I’ll be taking something worth value. Whether that be your car, your fucking house, or your life, I’ll get back what you took from me.
Walking inside the run down crack house, we split up and start looking. I know I’m not going to find the money, but who the fuck knows what else I’ll find. These trap houses are always filled with all kinds of goodies like drugs, weapons, and other stolen shit. The house is filled with filth, that’s for sure. Fucking gross. This shithole makes the club look like a goddamn castle. I dig and tear shit up; break this and that and tear shit up. I could ask the guy, but you know that motherfucker isn’t going to give up shit, at least not yet. Plus, it’s kind of fun to give him time to try and think up something sneaky and creative to tell me about where my money magically went.
“Tank,” Blade calls for me.
Walking down the hall, I find what I came looking for. Blade has the little thief on his knees in the middle of kitchen, gun to his temple. Sad part for him, his little partners aren’t in here to take some of the blame, he’ll get it all. This part is the fun part though. I like to taunt and scare them. I like to fill him with false hope and ideas of life and all that grandeur. Let him think shit is good and then surprise, you’re dead.
“Didn’t think I’d come lookin’ for you, did you asshole?” I ask him.
The man starts to shake violently, pleading with me in broken sobs. He pretty much offers me everything, including his first born to let him live, but he doesn’t offer what I came for. Never understood why people act so damn scared when we show up looking for what ya took from us. You’re stupid enough to fuck with us, then you shouldn’t be scared when we come looking for ya. You know what you’re going to get when you deal with us.
“Sorry man. I’m fuckin’ sorry.” The bitch sobs. “I got half the money.”
“Sorry man. Half ain’t the number I’m lookin’ for. I bet you can do better than that.”
****
We cleaned up our mess and got what we came for so I head back to the club. I haven’t been home since Lil left and I won’t go back there ‘till she’s back, so the club is where I’m staying now. It’s been a few weeks and I haven’t heard from her. I fucking hate it. The only people who have are Gin and Peaches, but I don’t bother asking about her any more ’cause they won’t tell me shit. It bothers me. It eats at me. All Peaches said was she’s good and I have to be okay with that, ’cause that’s all I’m getting. I pray every fucking day she’s somewhere safe and someone is keeping an eye on her. Every day is a struggle, but I’m trying. Fuck I’m trying.
I miss her so goddamn much it makes me sick. It’s hard t
o function without her here. She’s all I fucking think about and I can’t seem to see past her. This is what I wanted, wasn’t it? To have her out of my life so I wouldn’t worry about her every second of the day?
I’m starting to see there isn’t a life beyond Lil for me. She’s the only goddamn person on this planet I want. After Lil left my ass, Cali’s hateful but heartfelt lecture, along with the vote around the table for me to step down if I can’t pull my shit together, I had to choose. I had to fix shit in my life. I had to get better for Lil, the club, and myself. I’ve decided I’m not gonna lose Lil or this club. I won’t live without either of them. I’m suckin’ shit up and I’m pulling myself together. I’m trying to move the fuck forward, but I need my fucking woman back. If I want to get her back, I have to get better. I need to work on moving past the nightmares and live in the here and now. I can’t change the past, so I have to work on the future.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the red and blue flashing lights approaching quickly. Fuck. Just what I fuckin’ need. Pulling over, I know I’m about to face a shit storm. I’ve been running from this for a while now. The officer gets out of his car and heads straight for me with his cocky walk. Stuffing his glasses into the front pocket of his uniform, he bends over slightly to look right at my face.
“Evenin’, Roman.” The cop nods his head at me. I can see the little gleam of accomplishment there in his eyes. He’s been waiting for this for a while. Fuckin’ asshole.
“Sheriff.” I nod back.
Giving me a once over and then looking over at the guys, he looks back over me. He’s outnumbered, but it’s not like one of us are gonna kill him, but he doesn’t know that. No one is trying to spend life in prison right now.
“You’ve got a warrant out for your arrest, Roman. Remember that assault you skipped out on?”
“That guy survived I take it then?” The officer stiffens and gives me a hard stare. He doesn’t look like he enjoyed my little joke.