by Gideon Defoe
‘Rah!’ said the Pirate Captain, with a frightful bellow. ‘I know you’re carrying a hundredweight in gold bullion!’
‘Really?’ said FitzRoy, genuinely surprised. ‘I haven’t seen anything of the sort.’
‘Perhaps the bit of boat that’s under the water is made of gold,’ ventured Darwin, finding his voice at last. ‘I mean, it could be made of anything for all we know. You never get to see it.’
The Pirate Captain’s icy blade against his throat struck him silent.
‘Search the hold, men, and bring me back some gold,’ said the Pirate Captain, with a sneer reminiscent of Elvis.
The pirates were pretty slick by this stage of their piratical careers, and they had managed to overrun the entire ship in a matter of minutes. The only casualty on the pirate side had been the pirate dressed in red, who had twisted his ankle trying to do that trick where you slide down the face of the mainsail, cutting it as you go with your cutlass – which worked fine up to a point but still left a twenty-foot drop once he reached the bottom of the canvas.
‘Ouch! My ankle!’ he cried, but none of the other pirates had much sympathy for his reckless showboating. A group of them headed into the hold – but instead of the clinking you would associate with gold, all they could hear was the chatter of creatures. One of the pirates tore at a tarpaulin, only to discover row upon row of cages, each containing some sort of monkey.
‘The gold must be hidden inside these monkeys!’ shouted a pirate. Several of the pirates put down their flickering lamps, picked up monkeys of various different types, and slit them end to end, but all that spilt out was monkey guts.
‘Gold!’ said the pirate with an accordion, holding something yellowish up hopefully.
‘That’s not gold. It’s a kidney,’ said the pirate with a hook for his hand.
Covered in bits of creature, and thoroughly dejected, the pirate crew tramped back to FitzRoy’s cabin.
‘Pieces of ape! Pieces of ape!’ squawked Gary, the ship’s parrot.
‘Will somebody shut him up?’ scowled the pirate in green.
‘There’s no treasure here, Captain. Just a lot of stupid creatures,’ said the pirate with a scarf.
‘Just like I told you,’ said FitzRoy.
The Pirate Captain sat down and rubbed his eyes with a weary hand. It suddenly felt like it had been a very long day.
‘But Black Bellamy . . . he said you were carrying gold for the Bank of England.’
‘The Bank of England?’ said FitzRoy, grabbing at a table as the Beagle started to list alarmingly. ‘I believe I’ve heard there is such a boat. But it’s sailing in the vicinity of the West Indies, from what I remember.’
‘The West Indies? But that’s where we’ve just come from!’
‘That Black Bellamy!’ said the pirate with a hook instead of a hand. ‘He was just trying to get us out of the way, so that he could plunder it for himself ! Why, he hasn’t changed at all! We’ve been bamboozled!’
The pirates were all very disappointed with the way Black Bellamy had behaved.
‘So, then. Um. What are you doing in these parts?’ said the Pirate Captain to Darwin, trying to make a bit of light-hearted conversation, and feeling more than a little awkward now.
‘We’re on a scientific expedition.’
‘Searching for creatures?’
‘I have a theory,’ said Darwin, looking serious. ‘I’m afraid it’s proved to be rather controversial. We came here looking for proof.’
‘What is this theory? In terms a pirate might understand.’
‘It is not something to be taken lightly. It will make you look at the world with fresh eyes. Things may never seem the same again,’ said Darwin, in a spooky voice.
‘Go on,’ said the Pirate Captain, his curiosity bitten.
Darwin gave a dramatic pause.
‘In short, I believe that a monkey, properly trained, given the correct dietary regime, and dressed in fancy clothes, can be made indistinguishable from a human gentleman. I believe he would cease to be a monkey, and become more a . . . a Man-panzee, if you will.’
A silence held the room. One of the pirates whistled.
‘I . . . see. A Man-panzee?’ said the Pirate Captain.
‘But because of my outlandish theories I have made some powerful enemies – primarily, the Bishop of Oxford,’ said Darwin, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
‘He finds it offensive?’
‘He most certainly does!’
‘Because it contravenes his religious beliefs?’
‘Oh no! Nothing to do with that, my dear Pirate Captain. The Bishop of Oxford recently became the largest shareholder in P.T. Barnum’s world-famous Circus of Freaks.’ Darwin leant forward with a conspiratorial air. ‘The circus has been making a killing of late, because all of London Town is entranced by its latest exhibit . . . the fantastical Elephant Man. Have you heard of him?’
‘Aarrr. He was on show last time we were in England,’ said the Pirate Captain. ‘A real disappointment as I remember. Doesn’t even have a trunk. The trick is not to treat him like a gentleman, because he always starts crying if you do that.’
‘Anyhow, the Bishop of Oxford is clearly alarmed that my Man-panzee might steal his Elephant Man’s thunder. So he denounced my ideas as blasphemous – he even said there was a bit in the Bible about how it was a sin to dress a monkey up in a waistcoat, but when asked for the page reference he claimed to have forgotten.’
Darwin was clearly on the verge of an angry rage.
‘So I joined this expedition in an attempt to find a suitable specimen. Only now I have received word from England that my brother Erasmus has gone missing! I believe he has been kidnapped by the Bishop of Oxford as a means of safeguarding against my successful return. I fear the Bishop intends to do him some great harm unless I abandon my research.’
‘Does that mean you’ve had some success?’ asked one of the pirates.
‘Come, let me show you.’
Darwin and FitzRoy led the pirates to an adjoining cabin. The pirates gasped, for though the room was dark and cramped, they could still make out its sole occupant. Sitting in a leather-backed armchair was a monkey with the best posture any of the pirates had ever seen. Dressed in an expensive-looking silk suit, with a pipe in his mouth, the creature peered at the pirates through a gold-rimmed monocle. He appeared to be sipping on some sort of cocktail – the Pirate Captain thought he could smell gin. The monkey looked as if he had been freshly shaved, but he was still recognisably a monkey, though if you squinted he might have passed for a wizened old man, or a gigantic walnut.
‘Obviously he cannot talk,’ said Darwin, turning on a few gaslights. ‘But he is able to carry on a conversation by use of flash cards. Though I expect that sometime in the future, technology will move on, so that rather than having to rely on the cards he’ll be able to use . . . oh, I don’t know, refrigerator magnets, something like that.’
The monkey straightened his cravat, and held up a series of cards in quick succession.
‘Hello. There. Pirates. Pleased. To. Meet. You,’ he spelt out. ‘My. Name. Is. Mister. Bobo.’
‘Erm, pleased to meet you too,’ said the Pirate Captain who, truth be told, felt like an idiot talking to a monkey, even one as finely dressed as this.8 He turned to Darwin. ‘It’s a fantastic achievement.’
‘Yes, Mister Bobo is by far my most promising specimen. I’m glad you didn’t hit him with a cannonball. Please, let me give you a demonstration.’ Darwin turned to the dapper little creature. ‘Mister Bobo, would you tell us how one goes about being a proper gentleman?’
The monkey appeared deep in thought, and then shuffled through his pack of flash cards.
‘Moderation. decorum. and. neatness. distinguish. the. .gentleman; he. is. at. all. times. affable,. diffident. and. studious. to. please. Intelligent. and. polite,. his. behaviour. is. pleasant. and. graceful. When. he. enters. the. dwelling. of. an. inferior,. he. endeavours. to.
hide,. if. possible,. the. difference. between. their. ranks. of. life;. ever. willing. to. assist. those. around. him,. he. is. neither. unkind,. haughty,. nor. overbearing. In. the. mansions. of. the. rich,. the. correctness. of. his. mind. induces. him. to. bend. to. etiquette,. but. not. to. stoop. to. adulation;. correct. principle. cautions. him. to. avoid. the. gaming-table,. inebriety,. or. any. other. foible. that. could. occasion. him. self-reproach,’ said Mister Bobo with his cards.
‘You see? Not exactly perfect, but he makes a good stab at it. For a monkey,’ said Darwin.
Flash cards were hardly the fastest way of communicating, and by now the pirates’ bellies were rumbling. Also their pirate boots were getting wet as the Beagle started to sink, so they’d been hoping that the young scientist might have finished his speech, but Darwin, obviously proud of his discovery, went on.
‘Naturally, I intended to find a better class of tailor back in England, one who might be able to do something to conceal his huge unsightly ass.’
‘It is a big ass,’ agreed a pirate.
‘How have you been able to train him so well?’ asked the Pirate Captain.
‘Mostly fire,’ Darwin nodded at some hot tongs hanging on the wall, and Mister Bobo looked a bit frightened. ‘But it’s all been a waste. I’ll never be able to show him off to high society, for fear of some terrible retribution suffered by Erasmus. And even if I did intend to confront the black-hearted Bishop of Oxford, now I don’t even have a means of returning home to England. I am lost.’
And with that Darwin started to bawl like a baby. The pirates stared at the floor, and shifted from foot to foot. They couldn’t help but feel a little responsible for the scientist’s predicament, on account of their scuppering his boat with all those cannonballs. The pirates had a bit of a discussion amongst themselves. Then the Pirate Captain turned to Darwin.
‘I don’t much care to be hung in irons.9 And that’s what we’ve been promised if we ever set foot in England again. But we don’t want to see you and your Man-panzee bested by this scoundrel bishop you’ve told us about. So just as soon as we’ve eaten, us pirates will help you rescue your brother, and get Mister Bobo accepted by Victorian high society and everything.’
Darwin went to plant a big kiss on the Pirate Captain’s salty face, but then thought better of it and shook him by the hand. Everybody cheered, even Mister Bobo.
7 Darwin was serving as an unpaid naturalist onboard the HMS Beagle. The Beagle was unimpressive for its day – just ninety feet long and of a notoriously unseaworthy design. In his notes Darwin described the voyage as ‘one continual puke’.
8 You share about 98.6 per cent of your DNA with a common chimpanzee. And upwards of 99 per cent of your DNA with a pirate!
9 As a warning to seafarers it was common practice in Britain and her overseas colonies to put the bodies of notorious pirates on display near the entrance to a port. Several pirates were hanged at Execution Dock on the banks of the Thames in London.
Five
TRAPPED IN QUICKSAND!
‘The pirates helped Darwin, FitzRoy and the crew of the Beagle shift their luggage from the slowly sinking boat.
‘You’ll have to sleep in a hammock, I’m afraid,’ said the Pirate Captain. ‘They’re quite comfortable, but they can leave a criss-cross pattern on your buttocks.’
‘Are you sure there’s room?’ asked Darwin, anxious not to be too much trouble.
‘Don’t worry about that. We’ll make room,’ said the Pirate Captain, adding with a merry wink, ‘Truth is I’ve been meaning to have some of my pirates walk the plank for ages, I just haven’t got round to it.’10
‘Walk the plank? That’s barbaric!’ blurted out Darwin, before remembering that pirate ways are not necessarily the ways of other men. ‘I’m sorry, it’s just . . . there’s really no need to go to those lengths. We’ll sleep standing up, like bats.’
The Pirate Captain swatted his objections away.
‘Honestly, it’s been far too long since we did this. Lately, if a pirate has been annoying us, we’ve just shaved off an eyebrow or drawn a little moustache on his face whilst he sleeps, but it’s no real substitute.’
He rummaged about in a large pine box that one of the crew had fetched from the hold.
‘Oh, I haven’t seen those for a while!’ said the Captain, pulling out a garish pair of old pirate trousers. ‘What was I thinking?! Ah, here it is.’
He blew the dust off a big plank of wood. Seeing that Darwin and FitzRoy were still looking a bit concerned, the Pirate Captain shot them a reassuring grin.
‘Listen,’ he said. ‘It’s not like I make any old pirate take the terrible walk. Strictly fools and lubbers. It’s for the good of the species.’
As soon as the pirate boat reached shark-infested waters, the Pirate Captain, with a steely glint in his eye, gave the order to drop anchor. There was a carnival atmosphere onboard once the pirates realised that there was going to be some plank-walking. Darwin and FitzRoy looked on aghast as the Pirate Captain called out the first name.
The ratty-haired pirate called Marcus was the first to go. He begged and pleaded and cried like a little girl, but a few cutlass prods from some of the other pirates soon had him edging along the narrow piece of wood. He stopped at the end, and began to blubber again, so the pirate with a scarf crept up behind him, and quickly pushed him into the sea. The remaining pirates crowded round the edge of the deck, craning their necks to see ratty-haired Marcus desperately splashing about. For a bit, nothing much happened, but all of a sudden the water around him seemed to churn and crash in on itself, there was a scream, a cracking sound, and then a cloud of red spread out like a flower over the blue sea. The cloud of red wasn’t a flower – it was blood coming out of Marcus. The pirates all gave a mighty cheer.11
The other pirates singled out by the harsh but undeniably fair Pirate Captain were dispatched in similar fashion. They included: the balding archaeologist pirate called Stan; the rich pirate who tried to pass himself off as a hippy, whose name the Pirate Captain had forgotten; the pirate who had taught the Pirate Captain geography at Pirate Academy; a boring pirate from Oxford called Adam; and the stupid pirate who had got in the Pirate Captain’s way when he was trying to eat pancakes. A late addition was a male model pirate whom the Pirate Captain hadn’t even met.
As soon as the plank-walking was finished, the Pirate Captain pointed the boat towards England, and all the remaining pirates and their guests went below decks for a feast. For a change the pirates had lamb instead of ham, with the usual accompaniment of green mint sauce and a salad. As a nice added touch the roast lamb was sprinkled with a little minced parsley. A few of Darwin’s monkeys had also been served up as an appetiser. There had been some debate as to the best way to cook a monkey, but eventually the pirates had decided to treat the monkeys as if they were turkeys, so after the sinews had been drawn from the legs and thighs, and the monkeys carefully trussed, they were stuffed with sausagemeat and veal. It was all served with gravy and bread sauce. Too late the Pirate Captain realised that he had invited Mister Bobo to the feast, but if the creature was put out at being offered a slice of his chimpanzee brethren he was far too polite to say anything.
‘So . . . have you been a pirate captain long?’ asked Darwin, gulping down a mug of grog.
‘Goodness me! Long as I can remember,’ said the Pirate Captain.
‘You’ve never considered a career as something a little more orthodox?’
‘I dare say I’ve considered it, but the fact is I’m a slave to pirating! I love it! The salty sea air, the exotic locations, the shiny gold. Especially the shiny gold.’
‘I can see you’re pretty good at it,’ said Darwin graciously. Pirates seemed a lot more civilised than he had expected. He was unaware of the tremendous effort most of the crew were making in an attempt to eat in a respectable manner because they didn’t want to look sloppy in front of visitors. Several of them were wearing their most jaunty sashes, and they had spent
all day cleaning the boat from top to bottom.
‘I have to say,’ said Darwin, looking misty eyed, ‘a part of me is quite jealous of your villainous lifestyle. Free from the tyranny of what society deems acceptable! Masters of your own fate! Living beyond the law! Us scientific types must seem rather dull to your piratical eyes.’
‘Not at all,’ said the Pirate Captain to his guest. ‘I’ve always been interested in science. Perhaps, as a scientist, you’ll be able to answer a question that has perplexed me for many years.’
‘I’ll certainly do my best.’
‘Tell me – scientifically speaking – who do you think the tallest pirate in the world is?’
‘Erm. It’s a bit outside my field of expertise,’ replied Darwin apologetically.
‘Ah well. Perhaps I’m destined never to know!’ said the Pirate Captain with a wistful air.
‘Darwin’s not the only one with a scientific theory,’ said FitzRoy. ‘I’ve been doing some fascinating work to do with weather prediction. I hope to found a meteorological office when I return to London.’
Nobody at the table was at all interested in what FitzRoy was talking about, so he trailed off and stared miserably at his soup.12
Darwin chewed on a monkey’s paw. ‘How long do you expect it will take us to reach England?’
‘There’s plenty of hams onboard, if that’s what you’re worried about,’ replied the Pirate Captain reassuringly. ‘But let’s see now . . .’ The Captain gazed into the middle distance and furrowed his brow to make it look like he was doing some difficult calculations in his head. In fact he was wondering if anybody had noticed how shiny his boots were, because he’d had the pirate with a scarf spend the whole morning polishing them. ‘I should say we’d reach England by Tuesday or thereabouts, with a decent wind behind us. It would be a lot quicker than that if we could just sail straight there, but I was looking at the nautical charts, and it’s a good job I did, because it turns out there’s a dirty great sea-serpent right in the middle of the ocean! It has a horrible gaping maw and one of those scaly tails that looks like it could snap a boat clean in two. So I thought it best to sail around that.’