Is that what secrets did? Did keeping them cause some sort of shadow to linger over the holder of them so people couldn’t see you? Quinn suddenly wondered if Tavish was seeing her for the first time.
“Aye. Appeal. She canna ask fer a commitment she herself canna give. Ya are still loved... just free to be who ya want to be. If ya loved a woman who could give ya everrathin’, ya’d feel like ya’d have to stay landbound. I ken ya, lad, and yer loyal to a fault to the men in yer life. The women? I’m not so sure. It’s somethin’ to think aboot.” Tavish patted her shoulder with his big meaty paw before leaving her alone.
When Tavish left, all Quinn did was think about the young woman dressed as a laoch cuidich, who had somehow managed to crawl inside her heart to take up residence.
And that felt really good.
* * *
“You look exhausted,” Fiona said, ignoring the fact that Quinn had not come to her as a woman like she always had. Instead, Quinn’s attire was that of a nobleman. Her hair had grown out while she was gone and hung lightly touching her shoulders like most of the pirates she sailed with.
“It has been a long couple of months.”
“Four months and ten days, to be exact. I doubt you’ll recognize Gallagher. She is so grown now. Healthy. Well fed. And smart as a whip.” Fiona’s words were pained. Forced. Her eyes darted around to see who all was watching their exchange.
Quinn did not miss any of this, and it saddened her.
“Is Robert home?”
“No. He is seldom home anymore. Please. Have a seat.”
Quinn sat in a high-backed chair opposite Fiona in the parlor. A large fireplace held a fire much too small to do any good. “You look well.”
“Do I? I have been worried sick about you. You’ve been gone two months before, but four? With not a single word? No one has seen you. I have messengers at the harbor who come to me every time a ship docks, and no one has seen the Malendroke.” Fiona’s hand reached for Quinn’s.
Quinn did not reach back.
“Been in Scotland. The queen needed our aid and we lent it to her. It was ugly business.”
Fiona gently retracted her hand. “Then are you wed now? Is your bride with you? Is that why you came to me like... like this?” She waved her hand in the air at Quinn’s attire.
Folding her hands in her lap, Quinn shook her head. “There was no marriage, nor will there be one.”
Fiona’s face immediately softened. “No? Oh, Callaghan, you have no idea how happy that makes me.”
“But I do, Fiona. I do have an idea what it is like to have to share my beloved. I do know the sting of knowing my love beds another, kisses another, makes plans with another.” Quinn inhaled deeply. “Young Mary and I parted ways as friends.” Quinn turned to fully face Fiona. “As I hope you and I can.”
Fiona’s face fell. Her eyes filled with tears. “Callaghan, my words were spoken in haste. I––”
“You spoke your truth, and I have had a great deal of time to consider your words. Much has happened in the time I have been gone. I am not the same person who left here.”
“Callaghan, please...”
Quinn leaned forward, taking Fiona’s hands in hers. “I love you. I will always love you, but we are not the same people we were when we first met. I am a pirate in love with the sea, with the adventure, and yes, quite possibly, in some strange and new way, with my captain. You are a mother now, the wife of a man moving in political circles that would imprison someone like me if he could. We both want something from the other we cannot have—not now nor ever. You were right to release me then. You must be right to release me now.”
Two large tears rolled down Fiona’s cheeks. “Release you, Callaghan? I never did and I never will. My heart belongs to you. It always has.”
Quinn reached up to wipe a tear from Fiona’s cheek. “If you truly love me as you say, you will release me and let me find a love I can truly share with another. Our time together has come to an end, Fiona.”
The sadness in Fiona’s eyes was replaced by a much different emotion. Pulling her hands free, she wiped the rest of her tears away. “Oh. I believe I understand you now. You have already fallen in love with another. It is not I who needs to release you at all.”
Quinn shook her head. “This is what truth I speak. You have always allowed me to go and do as I please, and for that I cannot thank you enough. You have accepted my relationship with Becca and––”
“Oh please. The Beccas of the world are no threat to me, Callaghan. She cannot possibly compete with what I have to offer you.”
Quinn flinched. “It isn’t a competition, Fi. And it isn’t what you have to offer that is an issue––it is what you don’t have.” Quinn rose. “I do not wish for us to say ugly things we cannot take back. We have loved each other well these six years. I would not trade them for a thing, but I need more than you can give. I want to be wholly loved, Fi, and all we can give each other is a small portion of ourselves.”
Fiona rose as well, the flush of anger drowned by her sorrow. “I wish I could. I would give you the world if I could, but... I cannot.”
“As would I.” Quinn took her hands once more. “I will always love you, my sweet love, and if you ever need me, if Gallagher ever needs me, you know you can send for me and I will come to you as soon as I can, but we cannot do this any longer. You have a family on land that needs your attention and I have a family at sea who deserves mine.”
More tears collected and then fell from Fiona’s face. “Is she worth leaving me for?”
“There is no other woman besides Becca sharing my bed, if that is what you are asking.”
“I am asking if she is worth it. Can she give you what I cannot?”
Quinn stared hard into Fiona’s face and then slowly shook her head. “No. She cannot.”
“Then why? Why leave me now?”
Robert’s words hung in the balance, and as much as Quinn wanted to share more of what he’d said with Fiona, she could not. There was no longer a point to doing so. “You know exactly why, and it has little to do with another woman and everything to do with these two women.” Quinn pointed to herself and Fiona. “Live hard. Stop waiting for your pirate to return. Love your daughter. Be wary of whatever is keeping your husband away. The world we live is a dangerous place and will only get more treacherous. Keep Gallagher and yourself safe by knowing what your husband is up to.” Quinn kissed Fiona’s hands. “But most of all, be happy.”
Two tears rolled down Fiona’s cheeks. “Are you? Are you happier now that you are casting us aside?”
Quinn sighed. Fiona was not making this final goodbye any easier. “I am happiest on the deck of a ship, so yes. Yes, I am.”
“And you truly are not leaving me for another?”
“I am not. I am releasing you so that there is room for another... one I have met and lost already but who reminded me that I deserve to be loved completely. Surely you would not withhold that from me.”
Fiona gently touched Quinn’s face. “I would not. Then... then I release you, Callaghan. I am not happy to do so, and I shall weep for days on end at the loss of you, but I understand what you are saying and what you want. Be happy, my love. Find joy in a woman who can give you what you need.” Softly kissing Quinn’s lips, Fiona whispered, “I so wish I were she.”
Staring into Fiona’s eyes one last time, Quinn nodded. “So do I, my love, so do I.”
* * *
As I rode away from Fiona’s castle, I was filled with a mixture of emotions that was one part sadness, one part relief, and one part freedom.
Yes, freedom.
I was now free from the bondage of a love that was only partly alive––a love dictated by someone else’s marriage vows. And though I will love Fiona for the rest of my life, she will never truly be mine. And it wasn’t until I witnessed the queen of Scots that I understood what that partialness could do to someone.
While I do not excuse Lord Darnley for his behavior, he was a
man whose wife looked to others for love and comfort. She loved Rizzio, and it cost him his life. Then she carried on like a common prostitute with Bothwell, a married man. At every turn, she cuckolded Darnley by loving others she could never truly be with.
Robert and I both only received portions of Fiona’s love and time... but I want more. It wasn’t Fiona who changed.
It was me.
So when I realized I had feelings for Evan, I knew something within me had changed. I want to be understood. I want someone who sees me for who I am and who doesn’t have to wade through all of my incarnations of nobleman, pirate, noblewoman, et cetera. For the first time in my life, it feels as if another woman truly understands me.
I understand now that a part of the love I’d held for Fiona vanished from my heart the moment I met Evan. Because Evan saw me, understood me, and then climbed into my heart. And though there is no place to go with the love of a Scot who dedicates her life to her galloglaighs, I am aware enough to know what my feelings mean.
I need to release my Fiona for good.
Now that I have, I know it was the right thing to do. Saying goodbye to Gallagher, however, nearly brought me to my knees.
I love and adore that little girl as if she were my own. So when I kissed her soft hair and held her to me, I promised her that if she ever needs me, I will move the heavens and the earth to come to her aid.
When I handed her back to Fiona, we were both in tears, and so I took my leave, riding hard and fast, blubbering like a little girl who had lost something very special and important. When I finally looked up, I realized I’d headed to Becca’s. She wrapped her arms around me and took me to her room, where I slept for an entire day with my head on her chest. Upon waking, I told her nothing about leaving Fiona because I do not wish for her to want more from me than I can give.
A part of me wonders if she knows.
Becca is like that.
She can read me like no other but never pushes, never demands. She just opens her arms, her heart, and her bed for me whenever I need her.
And I seem to need her often.
But do I love her the way a woman wants to be loved?
I do not.
And suddenly, I realized that Fiona might not be the only woman I needed to release.
When I arrived at the Inn, I tried to get Becca to hear me out, to understand why I needed to let her go and be free to truly love someone else.
She would have none of it.
Becca was very clear about understanding me. She also said I ought to try harder to understand her, but since I didn’t, she would make it plain for me.
To my utter surprise, she revealed to me that she has other lovers as well, that she has no desire to be tied down to me, to them, or to anyone else. Apparently, she is happier this way.
And so am I.
We spent the next two days in each other’s arms, connecting far better than we ever had. I wonder if it was because I was now free to give her more, or if I just needed to feel loved.
In the end, I don’t think it matters why. Satiated and physically spent, I have been able to replenish my spirit in order to prepare for the next adventure under Grace’s command.
There is only one problem:
While I was with Becca, Grace O’Malley was arrested, and when the crew came banging on the door to tell me the news, I leapt from my lover’s bed to go to the aid of the one woman who could get me to act more quickly than any other.
I might not be in love with Grace O’Malley, but my life is certainly tied to hers.
* * *
The crew gathered at the castle on Clare Island, more agitated than Quinn had ever seen them. When Innis finally calmed everyone down, he told them what had happened.
“There was an English ship burnt to the hull, killin’ everra man on board. There is no proof that it was our captain who burned it, but the word was put out by the few remainin’ kin to the MacMahons, the boys who killed Hugh, that the Malendroke was seen leavin’ the area.”
“They set her up, then,” One Eye said. He had recovered from his wound and was ready, like the others to go after Grace. “Fuckin’ rat bastards, them. Cap’n would never have done such a thing without us.”
Innis nodded. “Aye. But that matters not. It is believed she was responsible, and the deputy wants her to pay fer those deaths.”
“It doesn’t have ennathin’ to do with Darnley, eh?”
Innis looked to Quinn, who shook her head. “If it did, the authorities would have already removed her from Dublin to the Tower, but they have not.”
“Are we certain she is in Dublin?”
Innis nodded. “That is what the young noblewoman told me just outside the tavern.”
Quinn perked up. “Wait. What noblewoman?”
Innis described her to Quinn. “Small, darkish woman. Reminded me of yer friend. Ya know, the one Kwame is in love with.”
Shea.
Quinn opted not to let the men know the noblewoman was indeed Shea. “What did she say?”
“Pulled me aside like she was not even scairt of me and said Grace is still in the tower and that she fought hard. She said two bodies were found run through, so Grace gave a fight, but they managed to wrestle her into a carriage and whisk her off to Dublin.”
“Ennathin’ else? Did the woman say ennathin’ else?”
“Just that I needed to tell ya, in particular and that ya’d believe her. Then she handed me some coin and bade me to hurry back.”
Quinn nodded. “The news is reliable, then. I think we can rest assured that our captain has been captured by the English deputy and could verra well lose her life fer a crime she did not commit.”
“Then let’s go get her!”
The men erupted in a chorus of cheers and table banging.
“Quiet down, quiet down,” Quinn said, holding her hands up to silence the men. “We can’t take the Malendroke after her. The English are just waitin’ fer us to take her out so they can claim hostility and sink her. If we pull into Dublin, we are lettin’ everraone know we are there. If we go after her, it cannot be on the ship.”
“Then what are we gonna do? We can’t let those bastards have our captain!”
More roaring.
When it died down, Innis said, “We are goin’ after her, but Callaghan is right. We cannot be stupid about it. It will take Callaghan and Tavish less than eight hours to ride to Dublin. It will take over a day to sail, and even then they will be lookin’ fer us. Callaghan, Tavish, and––” Innis looked around the room. “Where’s Kwame?”
No one knew.
“I’ll go. I’m a halfway decent rider,” Fitz said.
“Good. The three of ya will ride, takin’ three horses behind them to switch out. The rest of us will set sail within the hour on the Breeze and Mystery. Engage no one. Skirt enna potential hostiles. Connor, ya take the Mystery. I’ll captain the Breeze. Empty all cargo out of the holds, sharpen yer weapons, and lay low. We will sail as fast as those two ships can go.”
“What happens when we get there?”
Quinn answered. “Ya will meet us at the tavern called End of Days. Fitz will wait fer ya there while Tavish and I see what needs to be seen around the jail. It is important we not tip our hand, so before ennaone does ennathin’, I want ya to go see a woman named Catherine. She is a seamstress at a merchant called Wiles Wares. Tell her...” Quinn paused. “Tell her Lady Gallagher has sent ya and that ya need clothin’ fer one of the Gallaghers. Don’t worry about payment. I’ll see to it that everrathin’ is taken care of.”
The men all muttered to each other.
“Lady who? Is that a code or somethin’?” Fitz asked.
Quinn looked at Tavish. His face gave away nothing. “Aye. It is a code. If she asks ya how the lady is, just tell her she is well and happy, and leave it at that. Change out of yer smelly clothes and into somethin’ less obvious. That will keep us hidden a bit longer until we can figure out what all we need to do. Just stay away from taver
ns, inns, and trouble.”
“And yer certain this doesn’t have to do with killin’ Lord Darnley?” Fitz frowned and rubbed the stubble of his beard.
Innis shrugged. “I can be certain of nothin’ except that removin’ her to Dublin means there are English governors involved who will want to put her on trial. Fer what matters not to me. I just want her outta there.”
“Was there no one with her?”
Innis ran his hand over his bald head. “Not that we know of. Ya know how the captain gets when she’s been with us too long. She needs quiet. Solitude. She was alone when they took her.”
One Eye rose. “I wanna make it perfectly clear to ya all. If there is a rat among us, I will tear yer tongue out and replace it with one of yer balls. The death ya experience will be one ya beg fer.”
The room became very still.
“I don’t think there’s a rat,” Quinn said softly. “We all knew killin’ Hugh’s murderers might come back to haunt us, and here we are. Clan versus clan once more. Grace was set up. It is our job to get her back.”
“Is the plan to bust her free?” One Eye asked.
Innis looked over at Quinn. “The plan is to go get her out by enna means and then dismember whoever put her there.”
“Even if it’s the English?”
“Especially if it’s the English.”
* * *
Quinn, Tavish, and Fitz rode those three horses hard, seldom slowing down. Quinn kept her head down, her mind on one thing: How in the hell were they going to get Grace away from the English, away from the jail, and away from Ireland?
If they suspected Grace was in on the murder of Darnley, an English citizen, they would already have removed her to a ship bound for England.
That was one of Quinn’s greatest fears. If Grace were sailing to England, they would never be able to rescue her. She would never make it out of there alive. If, however, she was still in Dublin, then it was possible they hadn’t heard of the murder yet or did not believe she had anything to do with it.
That was, if she was arrested for that offense.
Shiver Her Timbers (The Plundered Chronicles Book 2) Page 23