by Dale Mayer
She almost wanted to start there. Crinkling up her face, she said, “We could start in the fitness room if you want.”
He glanced at her sideways. “Don’t you want to go for a walk first?”
“Sure,” she said, “And afterwards, we can go to the gym.”
He shook his head. “You’re the only female I know who is happy to watch a guy work out.”
“Maybe I’ll do some yoga myself this time.” She rolled her shoulders several times. “Last night left a little too much tension in the muscles.”
“Sorry.”
She shrugged. “All’s well…and all that.”
A comfortable silence ensued as they walked along.
Then, as if he’d been thinking about the issue for a while and the words were just rushing through him, he said, “Is it? Are you over last night, or did it just make it all worse?”
Surprised at his outburst, she said, “I think it’s better. I didn’t wake up screaming in the night like I would have if this had happened a few years ago. I woke up and was aware that I was safe, understanding it had been a bad dream. It took a while to get back to sleep, but there were other reasons as well.”
“Like what?”
“You.” She said it honestly, not knowing how else to be. “You’ve been very patient and understanding with me.”
“And?” He motioned to a bench beside a huge flower garden. “Why do I sense a question behind that?”
“It’s just I don’t want you to feel obligated to do what you’re doing.”
“Obligated.” He rolled the word around on his lips as if testing it, tasting to see what it meant or if there were any hidden meanings behind it. “I don’t feel obligated. I’m sorry for what you went through and am happy to help.”
She flinched.
“Not the right answer?”
“There is no right or wrong answer. I want to hear the truth.”
“But you don’t like the answer.”
She leaned back on the bench. This big man, this mountain of a man, was twice her size with so much more strength than she could imagine herself having. Look at the way he’d lifted her up to his face last night. He hadn’t even struggled, holding her there like a child.
And now, he was worried about having said the wrong thing. “You’re a special man, you know.”
He lifted an eyebrow. “What brought that on?”
She grinned. “You, trying to help but afraid of saying the wrong thing. I’m glad you are helping me. At the same time, I’d hate to think that this is all about the assignment.”
He lifted his shoulders then dropped them. “What does any of this have to do with the assignment?”
And damn if she didn’t believe his bewilderment was for real. “Nothing apparently.” She laughed, the sound rolling freely across the garden. “I’m just letting doubts color my thinking.”
“Look. I’m a real plain, basic man. I’m happy to help you deal with your stuff while we’re here. After all, that’s why we’re here. Right?”
Damn. Okay, so it was about the assignment, the course, and her being a screw-up. Still, the dark growing pit in her stomach had hoped he’d wanted more. She understood he’d given her – and with any luck would continue to give her – a gift. If she left this place a few steps closer to being whole to pick up a relationship with another man – one who might care for her – then it was a huge gift. He’d already done so much, she couldn’t put her emotional crap around his neck, too. She wanted him like she’d never wanted another man. She understood men could want a lot of women for a lot of reasons, and few of them were the emotional ones that she needed, but maybe that was okay, too.
It was up to her to keep the dreams in check and work on fixing her reality.
Dreams were fine and all, but the reality was…he wasn’t in love with her.
And she damned well better remember that.
*
Kane figured he’d done or said something wrong as Tania was quiet all the way back to the hotel. He didn’t know what he’d done; he just knew he’d done something. It had been the same with his wife. She would never explain and always left him feeling like he was in the doghouse.
In Tania’s case, he wasn’t sure what had happened, but it was like she’d flicked a switch. She had gone from being bubbly and happy to being more reserved, as if she was putting him at arm’s length, pushing him away.
To hell with that.
He left her to change while he thought about a game plan to get her back to normal, and maybe back into his arms.
He slowed in the act of stripping off his t-shirt. Was that what he wanted? Hell yes. He wanted her in his arms, in his bed, in his life.
He sat down in shock. Was he really saying he wanted a relationship with her? Past the constraints of the seminar? Really? What if she never could get around to having a sexual relationship? Was he ready for that?
When it came to relationships, she’d be work.
He flinched. “But so am I.”
Was she interested in him only as the man who could initiate her into a fulfilling sex life without intercourse if need be? He groaned. His mind filled with images of ways to introduce her to the pleasures of the body.
He wasn’t the only man who could, but he was the man who wanted the job the most.
But how could he convince her they should continue to see each other after this seminar?
Then he realized what he’d said. “Idiot. You told her you were happy to help her out, not that you wanted to be there for her.”
She’d have likely taken his response as being friendly and trying to get through the course, not him being interested in her for her sake.
“Smooth, Kane. Really smooth.” Not.
And then there was another aspect to consider – was she interested in him as anything but experimental material? He hoped so. He didn’t mind being used in this instance. After all, he’d agreed to it, but what if her interests were only self-serving? He couldn’t really blame her…but neither would it make for a start of a relationship.
Then there were his own issues. Trust. Anger. Betrayal.
And none of them seemed important. He’d been feeding the pain to keep it alive to stop him from considering other relationships. Now that he’d found something more important, he could let the hurts ease down where they belonged – in the past.
Damn, he hated when Jenna was right.
Chapter 20
Tania gave herself a mental talking-to. The man was gorgeous but disinterested. She needed to take what he offered and let him off the hook. Let him return to his life as he wanted it. The attraction between them was probably just proximity and promise. That there was a man who didn’t mind kissing her made her hormones go crazy. Just the promise of dealing with her problems, of finding a man capable of handling her problems, made her jump on board. It wasn’t real. Her feelings needed to be acknowledged but not acted upon.
And didn’t that sound like something she’d heard in a therapy session.
Damn Jenna and her shrink babble anyway.
At the fitness room, she decided to do some stretches herself. She had her camera and bag to continue working on their project, but at the same time she knew her body needed some work, too. She’d taken the week off and that wasn’t good. Her daily routine always included twenty minutes of yoga, and she missed it.
Knowing Kane would get there when he was damn good and ready, she set about moving through her positions.
The door opened when she’d slipped into the third one. In the mirror, she could see Kane open his bag and chalk up his hands, and then he went to work. She tried to focus on her movements, but it was damn hard. The man’s body was a powerhouse and a joy to watch. Add in her artistic eye and her fingers were itching to grab her camera.
Another ten minutes and she gave up. Hopping to her feet, she opened her bag and grabbed her camera. It took a moment to set up, then she turned and walked over to Kane. He had a distant, unfocused look on
his face as he recovered from a set of sit-ups. Personally, she hated sit-ups, push-ups, and chin-ups. But then again, she wasn’t into anything that made her sweat like she’d been in a sauna or made her hurt so bad she wanted to cry.
Kane, on the other hand, seemed to thrive on it.
She shook her head and shifted into her art.
When he switched up to arm curls, she shifted much closer to work. She began taking photos of the muscles as they tightened and released, the film of moisture that rose to the surface, the fine hairs that shifted and moved then became locked in the sweat.
“What can you possibly find interesting in all of this?” Kane asked, his voice laced with irritation.
She took a step back, studied his face, and saw the pain, the frustration, and the anger. It wasn’t a good day for him, at least here in the gym. “Do you want me to stop?
He snorted. “I want to go home. This week has been a fucking waste of time.”
Ouch. She didn’t think he meant her specifically, but as he was here for his own problems, if he wasn’t making progress, then he would be pissed. She would be, too, in his shoes. That she was making progress and he was angry spoke volumes about where they both were at this time. It saddened her. “I’m sorry. The seminar is almost over. You should be working on your issues and not helping me with mine.”
He spun around from reaching for more weights. “I shouldn’t even be here.” He waved a hand around. “This isn’t my thing. I hate being inactive. I like purpose in my life, action. Not…” he threw up his hands in frustration. “Not whatever this is.”
“I understand.” And she did, but it didn’t help him any.
She took a deep breath and prepared to be blasted. “If there is something I can do to help you deal with your issues, then tell me. I’d be happy to give back.”
He stiffened, then relaxed. “Tinkerbelle, you’ve already helped. But some things just have to work themselves out over time.”
“True. But there are some things you just have to jump into and let go. I often wonder if time isn’t a crutch more than anything. I look back on the years where I felt I couldn’t do anything, wouldn’t push my boundaries – and then I never progressed.”
“In your case, you couldn’t. Some things do take time. In my case…” and he stopped, an odd look coming over his features.
“In your case?”
He sat down on the bench and shook his head. “It’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid if it matters.”
“That’s the thing. You said earlier that we feed something to keep it alive. And in my case, that’s exactly what happened. I’ve been feeding something to keep it alive, but it’s dead. She’s dead. Gone,” he said starkly.
“Oh my. Did you lose your wife?”
She raced over to his side, her palm coming to rest on his cheek.
He shook his head, but his gaze was haggard. “No,” he said hoarsely. “She aborted my baby and didn’t tell me until afterwards. She told me she killed my daughter because she wasn’t ready to be a mother.”
His tortured gaze rose to lock onto hers. “I’ve been so angry, but it was more because I was grieving. How could I be so lost, so devastated by the loss of a child not yet born? She killed her. Wouldn’t even give her a chance at life.”
Tania didn’t know what to say. Such a horrible event, and for his wife to have made such a decision without him said a lot about the state of his marriage. A state he himself wouldn’t have understood until it was too late.
Compassion welled up inside and she couldn’t help herself; she wrapped her arms around him and held him close.
He stiffened, then let himself be held. His arms went around her, holding on to her as the revelations just kept coming. He said, his voice barely above a croak, “It’s me I’m really mad at, for not seeing what she’d do. For not having taken better care to avoid a pregnancy in the first place. For making sure my daughter was safe.” He parted his knees and pulled her down to his lap. “All this time, I hated her, but deep inside, I hated myself. All this time I told myself that women weren’t to be trusted, and it was me I didn’t trust.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry for all three of you.”
He stared down at her. “That’s the truth, isn’t it? There were three injured souls here.”
“Yes, but she could have handled it very differently, and she didn’t want to. For whatever reason, she wanted to hurt you.”
He stared out, a distant look in his eyes. “She was so angry when she found out. Children were in her plans, but down the road, a long ways down the road when she was ready, when the timing was right. She was a big planner, and this blew her plans off course.”
“The time is rarely right for a major life event,” Tania said, remembering her own pain and shock from so many years ago. Her parents had divorced as a result of it, her mother’s life irrevocably changed by her daughter’s assault. “It doesn’t matter. We have to deal with the hand Mother Nature deals us. It’s the how that makes us who we are.”
Kane stared down at her, surprise lighting the chocolate depths.
“When did you get so wise?”
“After years of therapy,” she said in a dry tone and smiled. “It’s a funny thing, but when you least expect it, a breakthrough does happen and you wonder at your past…a past of just a few moments earlier before you had the epiphany.”
His lips kicked up into a smile. “How true.”
He leaned back and took a deep breath. “I feel both good and…exhausted.”
She patted his shoulder. “I know what you mean.”
A glint slipped into his eyes. “Nap time?”
She stared into his deep gaze and then understood. Heat rolled through her, coloring her cheeks. She gasped then giggled. “Oh, Lord.” Then she nodded. “Definitely nap time.”
His grin turned lethal. He leaned forward, dropped a kiss on her cheek, and whispered in a deep voice, “Your room or mine?”
Instantly, she said in a voice gone hoarse, “Mine.”
*
How had they gone from being distant and irritated to racing like school kids down the hallway? He hoped they didn’t meet anyone; Tania needed this.
Hell, he did, too.
His emotions were too raw at the moment to be examined with any intensity, but there was just such a sense of relief sliding off his shoulders with every step he moved further away from the pain. It would never dim his loss but it would firmly be in the past, where it belonged.
If she could get to this same point…wow.
She’d come so far already. Now could she go all the way? He almost groaned as his groin tightened. He hated to think how far away they were from where he wanted to be.
They reached her room undisturbed, and she unlocked the door and they slipped inside. Laughing and giggling like kids, she locked the door and turned to face him.
He opened his arms and she ran into them. God, he loved that.
Damn if he wasn’t falling in love with her.
Chapter 21
Tania would do anything to feel what Kane had made her feel last time. Knowing they had hours ahead of them made her whimper in the back of her throat. Instinct told her to crawl up his frame and go after more.
Pulling back slightly, she gave him a light push toward the bed. “Lie down.”
He flipped his shirt over his head and kicked off his shoes. Standing at the end of the bed, arms wide, he fell backwards.
“I’m all yours.”
She froze. “Oh, I hope you’re right.”
He lifted an eyebrow. “I mean it. Be gentle with me, sweetheart.”
She grinned and pounced. She grabbed his closest foot and ripped off his sock. He laughed as her hands tickled his feet. He tried to tug his foot away, but she hung on. Releasing the bare one, she fought to get the sock off his other foot.
When he could, he gasped out, “What is this, a sock-free zone?”
She smirked. “Absolu
tely.”
“Good, then you’d better be sockless, too,” he warned. “Or else I get to remove them.”
“Ha.” She quickly stripped off her own socks. “Now I am.”
“Good, now how about the pants and shirt, too?”
“Yeah, I don’t think so.” She shook her head. “I’m not playing that game. You still have your shorts on.”
And before she’d figured out what he was doing, Kane lay stretched out before her only wearing white knit boxers. She swallowed hard. He rested his head on his hands and grinned up at her. “Now what are you going to do?”
“Admire you,” she said honestly. “You’re truly gorgeous.”
His gaze widened. As she glanced up to his face, she was startled to see a wash of red working up his neck. “Really? You’re okay to lie here in front of me in only your underwear, completely unconcerned, but I give you a compliment and you’re embarrassed?”
A sheepish grin washed over his face. “I’ll say thank you, and we’ll move on.”
“On to what?”
“Whatever you want; whatever you’re comfortable with trying.”
She sighed happily and went to crawl on the bed beside him but stopped. She looked down at her capris. She really wanted some freedom to move. Her t-shirt was more camisole than shirt, but her pants were heavy cotton without any stretch. Taking a deep breath and moving fast, she stripped off her capris, laid them on the empty chair, and turned back to face Kane.
He watched her, a smile on his face. “Doing good, Tinkerbelle.”
She grinned; she was doing good. As long as he understood that progress could stop at any time…
Awkwardly, she climbed onto the bed and stared down at his massive body. “You’re so big,” she whispered.
“Yeah, so are my dad and my brother.”
“Really?” At his nod, she turned her attention back to his feet. In a whimsical move, she slipped one leg down to line alongside his foot. His had to have been twice the length of hers and was at least twice as wide.
A laugh rumbled through him. “I guess calling you Tinkerbelle wasn’t far off. You are seriously tiny.”