by Dale Mayer
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He held her so carefully, as if she’d break. She’d have laughed if she could have, because she was already broken.
Her sobs slowed and finally turned into a damp sniffling by the time he had her tucked in the bed, a second towel moving briskly over her hair.
When he finished, he picked up the hairbrush and brushed her hair in long, sure strokes. She tilted her head back and let him.
It felt so good. It brought up one more piece of poison to be examined and maybe, if she was lucky, released.
In a hoarse whisper, she said, “He broke my ribs, my collarbone, and a finger. He was so angry.”
The brushing stopped. For a long moment, she thought he was going to leave, but then the gentle movement resumed. Barely leashed anger resounded in his voice as he said, “Why was he angry?”
“He wanted a child, like seven or eight. Instead, I was thirteen and already going through puberty.”
*
Kane wanted to kill someone, a specific someone. He wanted to pulverize the asshole that had taken a beautiful child and broken her because he’d made assumptions based on her size. That the asshole was a child predator to begin with made him sick of his sex.
That Tania had been dealing with this for so long, without a break, without an end, said so much about the person she was inside.
“Is that why you were crying in the shower?”
She immediately shook her head. “I’m not sure what started the tears. But it’s like an old injury was finally brought to light so I could release it. Sort of like a purging. I’m so tired.” She yawned. “I feel empty. But at the same time, I feel renewed, as if now I can fill those empty places with something good.”
She curled up on the bed and fell asleep – just like that.
Kane stared down at her, wondering again at the trust in him. She’d gone from shocked and lashing out at him in panic before she understood who was in the shower with her to instant acceptance, letting him look after her.
Now she slept with the innocence of a child.
But her admission, something she’d never told anyone – yeah, her admission had ripped his heart out. So much pain and horrible memories being brought to the light of day and then released.
It was exhausting work. She needed to rest. He looked down at his soaking-wet clothing, the hairbrush in his hand. “What am I going to do?” Her dinner was sitting on the desk. He’d passed Jenna in the hallway and had given Tania’s excuses for missing dinner. Jenna hadn’t missed much in that sharp glance of hers, but after making sure Tania was indeed fine, she’d walked away. There would be a therapy session tomorrow. A good thing for Tania. She needed someone experienced to help her at this stage.
Did she still need him?
And what did he need?
Right now, he could use a conversation with Jenna. He pulled out his cell phone and called her. “Do you have time for coffee?” he asked, thankful she was here at the hotel and basically on-call for the attendees. Stuff came up and people needed to talk. It was the first time he’d done this, though.
“Yes,” she said instantly. “Shall we go to the coffee shop, or do you want to meet elsewhere?”
“Coffee shop in five minutes.” He closed the cell phone, grabbed his hotel key card, and left. With any luck, Tania would sleep until he got back.
Jenna was waiting for him.
He slid into the bench opposite her, ordered coffee, and waited silently for it to be delivered.
“I need help.” There, cool and direct – his style. “For Tania.”
Her gaze narrowed and her lips twitched. “In what way?”
“She’s had a major breakthrough, like a traumatic type of breakthrough. I don’t know what to do for her.”
“Tell me.”
He took a deep breath, then something in him made him stop. He winced. “She might not like me talking to you. It’s personal.”
“Then let me tell you, and you can nod or shake your head.” Damned if Jenna didn’t run through the list of their lovemaking, bonding, bringing up old memories, nightmares, and an outpouring sob-fest.
He nodded, nodded, and just kept nodding. “Damn, you do know.”
She smiled gently, so much compassion and understanding in her gaze that he realized she knew so much because she’d lived it herself. Then another piece of the puzzle called ‘Jenna’ slipped into place. She helped others because she came from a place of having healed herself.
Feeling better, he said, “So, what do I do?”
“Be there for her.” Jenna’s response was instant and confident, but then she ruined it. “If you can.”
And that allowed doubt to enter his mind. “I don’t know,” he said in a low voice. “This is deep stuff.”
“And now it’s not so deep. All hurts, once opened to the light of day, have the power to heal. When we keep them buried and hidden, they only fester.”
“She’s come a long way.”
“She has.” Jenna sipped her coffee calmly, waiting.
He sighed. “I don’t know if I’m up for this.”
She nodded. “Then you need to say goodbye to her, knowing that your part in her healing journey is over.”
Her quick response saying he could leave pissed him off. “I didn’t say I wanted to get out of this, I’m just not sure I can do this.”
“Understood.” She waited.
Damn, he hated that. He stared moodily out the window, the late sun sinking in the horizon, throwing gorgeous hues on the hills surrounding them. The campus was beautiful but like everything, there was a dark side to it.
“I want to know her whole story, but at the same time, the bits and pieces I do know make me so angry.”
She sipped her coffee. He turned to look at her to see that she was studying his hand. He stared down at his big mitt and understood he wasn’t clenching his fist, even though he was angry. At a level he hadn’t seen in a long time, it wasn’t physical anger. He was hurting. For her. He knew he could never right the wrong. He could only help her make the most of every day, but it was a big job. Maybe too big. “I don’t think I can help her.”
“You already have.”
“So much more needs to be done.”
“That’s for her to do.”
“And what do I do for her?” he cried. “It seems so little.”
“What you are doing is so very much.”
He stopped and stared at her. “How? What am I doing?”
“You’re caring for her, standing by her, being there for her, supporting her as she walks this difficult journey. That’s something she’s never had.”
Jenna smiled, a warm loving movement that fascinated him. “You are doing the best thing anyone can do for her – you are loving her.”
That was when he recognized what his next step needed to be.
To go back and keep loving her; not to let her put distance between them, to throw up barriers, to keep herself inside and him on the outside. But to give them a chance – to see what they could be. He had more insecurities than he’d ever had about a relationship, but the rewards were exponential as well.
He didn’t want to miss this chance.
He shook his head. “It’s really that simple, isn’t it?”
“It usually is, but what about your issues? How are you handling your problems while you’ve been helping her deal with hers?”
He smiled at the way-too-wise woman sitting across from him. “That’s the thing, isn’t it? While I was so focused on helping her, I stopped thinking about my own problems and when I turned around, my anger was gone. It had dissipated, no longer letting me hide from the real problem; my wife’s betrayal, the guilt of not having been able to save my child, and the grief of losing my daughter.”
She reached across the table and laid her hand gently on his. “Sounds like you’ve been through a lot yourself.”
“And came out on the other side without really realizing what I’d done,” he admitte
d. “I was so focused on Tania, I’d let go of my own problems.”
“It’s called healing. And it often happens when we’re more concerned about helping someone else.”
He lifted his cup, drained it, and put it down. “Thank you. I’m going back to Tania so she doesn’t wake up alone. Maybe tomorrow you can check in and see how she’s doing.”
“I will,” Jenna promised. Knowing she watched him but not caring, Kane stood up and headed back to where he really wanted to be.
At Tania’s side.
It was only as he approached her doorway that he realized he didn’t have the key card to get back inside her room.
He dropped his forehead on the door. Shit.
Chapter 23
Tania woke up with a sore throat, burning eyes, and a happy heart.
She’d take the nasty physical symptoms any day – as long as she got to keep the happy heart. She had no idea what time it was. All she’d done for the last day was a mix of emotional outburst – sleep – emotional outburst – collapse.
She sat up in bed and looked around. She was alone.
And damn if she wasn’t starting to hate that.
Then again, he could only be expected to be there so long. And she needed to give him the freedom to leave. It was the last day of the seminar, and although she didn’t give a damn about completing her homework and handing it over to Jenna, she did care about fulfilling her own commitment to her healing. Without her assignment, she’d never have gotten here – she might have in another way at another time, but the fact was, she was here.
And she was so grateful. Checking her laptop for the time, she found out it was six in the morning. She needed to get the homework done.
She needed to free Kane. Make him understand that she was grateful he’d been here, but if this wasn’t where he wanted to be…then that was okay, too.
It wasn’t, but she wasn’t going to try to keep him on a hook. She’d gotten over worse, and coming into this seminar, she’d have been jumping for joy to think of making it this far.
Determined to end the seminar in a good frame of mind, she set about sorting the latest images. As she worked, the theme started to build more in her mind. She planned on printing the images on the hotel printer. She needed the images in black and white, but they had to tell the story properly.
She worked for a solid hour and felt like she was making progress as she found an image of Kane, relaxed, happy, and almost carefree. She’d taken it when they’d gone for a walk yesterday. He’d been giddy, almost running back to the hotel room. Excited. Natural.
A little later, she realized she was hungry and spied the restaurant bag on the desk. She hopped up to see what Kane had brought her last night. A couple sandwiches were nestled inside a takeout carton. Perfect. She made herself a cup of coffee and polished them both off. Apparently, lovemaking and healing had improved her appetite. She could just imagine the others’ comments. At seven, she called down to the front desk and asked about printing the images, then she emailed them to the receptionist, who promised to print them and hole punch them for her.
Tania dressed and packed up her room. Since it was the end of the seminar, she’d elected to leave as soon it was over. She didn’t know if other participants were staying another night, but she needed to get back to her normal world.
She’d be sorry to leave. It would hurt in a way. This place would always stay in her memories. A special place, a special time, and a special man.
Once she was ready to go, she decided to check out and leave her bags at the reception area. She could collect them at the end of the morning session. She needed to sort the printed pictures and put a few comments on a couple of them.
With a last look around, she stopped, grabbed her camera, and took several pictures to remember this room by before she took her leave.
Downstairs, she handed over her keys and luggage and accepted the pictures in return. Now, if she could find a way to tie the pages together – a small strip of leather would be perfect – but such a thing was highly unlikely.
“Do you need anything else?”
“Now that you mention it,” she said, “Any chance you have a strip of leather of any kind hanging around?”
The woman’s gaze widened. “I have a single shoelace that’s been sitting in this drawer since forever, would that work?”
She opened her drawer and pulled out one long, single strand.
“Perfect.” Borrowing scissors, Tania cut the strip into three equal pieces. Then with her pages and strips, she moved to a comfy seating arrangement in the lobby and went to work. First, she used the laces to tie the pages together in the three different punched holes. Then with the black marker, she wrote “Skin” on the title page. Then she added a couple more lines.
Next, she turned to the first image. On that page, she wrote “The beginning…”
After that, using the minimum number of words possible, she explained the steps that Kane had gone through to push himself to do what he needed to do to get the job done. Even though he hadn’t seen the journey for what it was at the time, it had ended up being his journey and, through that, her journey. As one had healed, it had triggered healing in the other. They’d been perfect partners. On another page, she had a picture of Kane’s hand held out toward her. She titled it “The Gift – Acceptance.”
On the next page, she had an image of her hand she’d taken in her hotel room, outstretched as if to meet his hand. She titled that page “Acceptance of the gift – another gift of acceptance.”
On the last page, she had a picture – the only one she really disliked as far as clarity went – but it was powerful in its message. The picture was of her hand being held in Kane’s hand. Hers tiny and his huge, but hers cradled very gently by this powerful man.
She titled this last image “A gift offered and a gift returned”.
By the time she was done, she had to sniffle back tears. She flicked thorough the images again and felt like the theme was the title. In none of the images was there at any time a piece of clothing, not even a little bit of material to denote clothing existed. In fact, the images stripped Kane down to the basic man inside and out. No artifice. No hiding. No covering up. He was who he was, and it was showed here in all his natural splendor. As natural and as honest as the day he was born, he was wearing the only thing he couldn’t remove – his skin.
*
Kane woke up with a shock of feeling like he was in the wrong place. He bolted upright and threw off his covers. He was in his room. Memories flooded back. He’d taken the wrong hotel key when he went to meet Jenna.
Tania would have woken up alone.
And he’d lost the opportunity to wake her up gently, slowly, lovingly.
Now he realized it was morning, and although he hoped she might still be asleep, she could also have already headed down to the restaurant for breakfast. He dressed, packed, and leaving his stuff behind for the moment, raced down to her room. He knocked, but there was no answer. He knocked again. Then kicking himself again for having taken the wrong key last night, he went to check the restaurant. But he couldn’t find her. He frowned. Walking over to the reception desk, he asked the receptionist if Tania had been by.
“She’s checked out.”
He froze. “Pardon?”
The woman gave him a bright smile. “She was up bright and early, handed back her key, and has officially checked out.” She glanced behind her. “Oh, but her luggage is still here. She’s part of the seminar, right? So she’s likely headed in that direction.”
Thanking her, Kane took off to search for Tania. If her luggage was still here, then she was, too. That was all that mattered. He’d find her somehow. Ten minutes later, he spotted Jenna exiting the elevator. “Jenna, have you seen Tania?” He quickly explained about her checking out but still being here and his not being able to find her.
“There are lots of little seating arrangements throughout the hotel. She could be in any one of those. She also
might have gone for a walk.”
He nodded and turned to look out the front door. She might be out there. He glanced at his watch. “We’re starting in what, a half hour?”
“Less. I’m grabbing some tea and going over there now. We’re starting early so I can get into the presentations.”
He winced. “Right. The homework.”
She laughed lightly. “I presume that’s what she’s doing right now.”
“Oh, most likely.” And he’d forgotten all about it. “I’ll catch up with you in class.”
He did a quick search of the hotel. Not finding Tania, he decided he needed some coffee. He’d rather have something much stronger…
With cups of coffee in both hands, he headed to start the last day of the seminar. He couldn’t even begin to explain to his brother what he’d gone through here. Trying to explain what he’d learned from the seminar would be tough because what he’d learned had come from Tania herself, and that wouldn’t have happened except for that damn homework. Damned if Jenna hadn’t planned that all along.
How could she have known? Had she known? No, surely not. She didn’t have any psychic abilities that would allow her to see who would be the best fit with another. But she’d created a magical opportunity when she’d paired Kane with Tania. And he’d asked her to change it.
She’d refused. Thank God.
He walked into class to find Tania sitting beside Robin, both of them involved in an animated conversation. He almost didn’t want to interrupt, but Robin spotted him first. She said something to Tania, who spun around. He caught the barest whisper of relief in her eyes, and she smiled up at him.
“Hey. Is one of those for me?”
“Yeah, I wasn’t sure how long you’d sleep.”
“I woke up early, ate the sandwiches you brought me last night, and then finished the homework.”
“Yeah, about that homework.” He’d always done his fair share on group projects, but right now he felt like he’d let her down. “I’m sorry I haven’t contributed much.”
She laughed. “You are so wrong. You contributed the most. Wait until you see it.”
“Shouldn’t I be adding something to it?” he asked, curious now. He’d seen her theme, and that had made him pause. He’d planned to clarify her thoughts on that subject but had completely forgotten about it with everything else going on. He presumed she hadn’t put any images in the project that he’d not be happy about, but as only Jenna and the two of them were going to see it, he could live with it regardless.