by Jay Hogan
LESS THAN an hour later, I was chewing my cheek behind the wheel of my BMW, wondering at what point I’d lost my ever-loving fucking mind. I could barely remember the drive back from the farm, bar the red light I’d careened through in Manukau at fifty kilometres an hour, having not even registered the damn thing. That I didn’t hit anything was a miracle, and I’d needed to pull over once already, just to get a fucking grip before I killed myself, or someone else. I saw this kind of shit every week in the ER. I didn’t need to become a statistic myself.
The litany of crap flying through my head about Reuben and that woman manifested itself in a series of maddeningly articulated sound bites. Every pro, con, promise, curse, and fucking hope had a walk-on part, none of which adequately explained why I was currently parked outside Craig’s motorcycle shop, staring at the dim light in Reuben’s apartment. Or why I was contemplating taking those stairs two at a time and knocking the guy’s fucking front door to the floor. Jesus Christ. Was I seriously going to do this? Was I that much of an idiot? Apparently, the answer to both those questions was a resounding yes.
No question I was still furious at Reuben, but he was right. He had texted me before arriving with Sonja, that much I had to accept. He had tried to warn me. It might not have been the decision I’d preferred from him, but I had to acknowledge he was put in a difficult spot, what with the girl standing right in front of him. It still hurt, but I didn’t believe for a second that he’d brought her on purpose.
Still, he was wrong about one thing. He would hurt me again, but that was on me. Because I now understood I’d never be able to look at Reuben Taylor without my heart tying up in excruciating knots and choking the very life from my breath. The idea that I could just stop being with him, and that somehow that would protect my heart, had just been blown out of the water. That ship had sailed a long time ago. I was going to hurt one way or another, today had shown me that in full living colour. I was in too deep. Deep enough that I wasn’t going to be able to run into him at games, or events, or watch him on TV, or anything without it damn near breaking my heart.
So the decision now was what to do about it. I either had to cut ties and walk away completely and forever, or I took a risk, on a chance, that maybe we could still be something. That maybe we had a future beyond this messed-up shit, if we could just hang on long enough. But there would need to be rules, my rules.
There was a bit of a lag after I knocked—enough time to come to my freaking senses and hightail it out of there, which of course… I didn’t. Instead I brushed off my shirt and tucked a couple of errant licks of hair behind my ear and… holy crap. I really was going to do this.
Half of me screamed What the hell are you doing? The other half couldn’t get Reuben’s words out of my head. I hadn’t even needed to look at him to know he meant every damn syllable, and I couldn’t deny how I felt in return. Not love—not yet—but damn close. Or maybe I was lying to myself about that too. Christ. I had to be losing my mind.
I had no fucking idea if we even had a chance at a real future. The odds weren’t good, but hearing how he felt, that he really wanted me—wanted us—well, it blew through every single one of my hard-won defences. Enough to convince me he was worth a fight, worth the risk to my heart, maybe even worth a bit of down-low closet time. Really, Cam? Fuck. But yeah, really?
I wasn’t sure how long I could suck up the whole secrecy shit, but things changed, right? Who knew what might happen over the next year? Maybe his fucking dad would die, and I sure as hell didn’t feel as guilty as I should have thinking that shit. And even if we went balls up, I’d have no one to blame except myself. Wasn’t like I didn’t know everything up front this time. Something I’d never had with Dom.
The chain slid back on the door and my heart galloped in my chest. I was nervous, excited, terrified, and so fucking turned on. For all the shit I was about to bring down upon my head, including becoming someone’s dirty little secret—again—I’d get Reuben in my life, in my heart, and in my bed. And that last bit was gonna happen sooner rather than later if I had anything to do with it. I was done waiting.
The door cracked open, and I had just enough time to note Reuben’s eyebrows hit his hairline before I had him pinned against the wall, my lips a whisper from his.
“Cory?” I grunted, using my foot to kick the door shut before pressing hard against him.
He groaned, his hands sliding over my hips. “He’s at… Craig’s… with Georgie. Jesus, Cam….”
I dropped butterfly kisses along his jaw, revelling in the rough stubble grazing my cheek. “So, you’re alone, then?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah… alone.” His eyes drifted closed at my touch.
“Good.” I pushed off him, keeping my hand flat against his chest to hold him where he stood. “I have a few things to say.”
He opened his mouth to answer but I covered it with my hand. “No. Your job is to listen until I’m done, got it?”
He nodded, nervously.
“Right. You can nod or shake your head but that’s it. You owe me that much at least, after today.” I waited.
He gave a sharp nod, adding a flush of red to his cheeks for good measure.
I filled my lungs and blew out an unsteady sigh. “Okay, then. Did you mean what you said about how much you cared for me? That you wanted me, us, more than anything, Cory aside?” I eyeballed him.
Lots of nodding. Eyes frantically searching mine.
I kept my expression cool. “Just so you know, I feel the same way.”
His brows popped up and a look of sheer delight crossed his face then slid away into more nerves.
God, I wanted to kiss the hell out of him.
He opened his mouth.
I arched a brow.
He closed it again.
I continued. “You hurt me today, badly. No matter that I had no claim on you. You had a choice. You chose wrong.”
His face creased in anguish.
“But….” I held up a finger. “It made me realise something.”
His breath was coming in short huffs, eyes glued to mine. It felt like we were both on a knife-edge. He reached out a single finger and touched my wrist briefly, then dropped it again.
I swallowed as my knees damn near buckled. “I realised that you’re too deep inside me to just shake loose and walk away without a lot more hurt.” I blew out a sigh. “And that leaves me with an impossible choice. Take the pain for no reward and cut you out of my life completely—”
A strangled groan crept from his lips as his eyes went wide.
“—or… take a risk that we can build something, even if it starts from a foundation I wanted no part of ever again.”
He’d stopped breathing completely, hung on my next words. God, was I really gonna do this? Of course I fucking was.
“I’m prepared to be your secret, Reuben Taylor, but only for a very limited time.”
He gasped and dropped his chin to his chest, taking in huge shuddering gulps of air. I waited till he calmed, then tipped his chin up with my fingers so we held each other’s gaze.
“Do I think this is a mistake?” I said. “Probably. But it’s a mistake I’m choosing to make. I’ve decided you have potential, potential to get your head out of your arse and find a solution to the mess you’re in. We have something special here, Reuben, and I want to see where it leads, to give us a chance. Mostly because if I don’t… well, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get you out of my head, or stop wondering what if…?”
He gaped. “Are you…? Sorry, can I talk now?”
I bit back a smile and nodded, dropping my hand. He grabbed it.
“Are you serious? Do you mean…?” His voice faltered, and his expression dropped. “But I can’t do that to you. Shit, Cam. It’s not fair. You deserve better, and I can’t come out, not right now.”
My hand shot up. “I’m not asking you to—not straightaway, at least. And the truth is, I won’t ever ask you.”
His brows shot up.
His expression was caught halfway between joy and disbelief. I knew exactly how he felt.
I continued. “But, and here’s the thing. There will be an expiry date on how long I’m prepared to stay under wraps. I fucking hate that we’ll have to keep us a secret at all. I can’t promise how long I’ll be able to stick it out—only that I’ll try, but I can tell you this, it won’t be longer than six months, a year at most. And as soon as shit starts affecting me too much, I’ll pull the plug whether you’re ready to come out or not and that will be it—understand?”
He nodded, lifting my hand to his mouth and kissing it before letting go.
“Also,” I drilled him with a glare. “You will never take Sonja or any pretend date anywhere again, unless I agree and am fully part of the decision. And that won’t be often, if ever if I have my way, understand? And I don’t care what shit that gets you in with your father. I know we’ll both have to appear like we’re living our separate, normal lives for a bit, but you are mine and we’re exclusive, out or not. Any public expression that suggests something different is negotiated between us, that’s it.”
He fidgeted on his feet, hands fisted at his side, and I wondered if he was as desperate to touch me as I was him. Still, I had to get this all out now.
“You get one chance at this, Reuben. At me. My heart won’t take any more than that and I will not play second fiddle to anyone or anything, including your nephew, for long. Is that clear?
“Done,” he said. “No question.”
“So, if you don’t see a future for us out and proud before a year is up, you better back out now.”
He held my gaze steadily. “I want this.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“I know. What I mean, is that I want this enough to make it happen. If I’m honest, I don’t know how right now or I’d have done it already, but I do want it. I know how hard this will be for you and it’s more than I deserve. I’m not gonna screw it up.”
We stared at each other for a minute and I drank the sight of him in like I’d been thirsting for years. He was mine, finally. Not the perfect solution, but a start. Now I needed to trust him. I sighed. Yeah, the hard part. But he’s not Dom, I reminded myself, and with that the tension in my stomach eased.
I stepped closer, pushing him back against the wall. “Now, shh.” I was done with words, apparently, and my mouth burrowed into his neck for a nip.
He groaned. “Oh fuck.” Then he pulled my hips hard against him.
I nearly sang out in relief. After nearly two months apart, he felt so goddamn breathtaking, all hot and muscled up against me. I was lucky to get a couple of thoughts aligned, let alone achieve coherency, and recovering some distance between us again, nah, never gonna happen. Getting buried in his arse as soon as possible, however? Yeah, I was so, so on board with that. I was going to fucking wreck him.
I slid my tongue along the crease of his lips, and he opened to me with a sigh, our tongues wrapping around each other like they belonged that way. His hand moved to the back of my head, fingers threading my hair whilst mine roamed his chest.
The man was built like a wet dream—at least my wet dream. Not hugely muscled as some craved, but thick and taut and eminently droolworthy. And the way he let me push him around and get all up in his business, soft in my arms and eager to please… holy fucking hell. That cranked my shit big time, and if I didn’t get him under me soon, in some way, shape, or form, I was in serious danger of self-combusting.
“Bedroom. Now.” I flicked the lock on the front door, caught his wrist, and began dragging him through the hall.
For a second he pulled against me. “Cam, wait. I just want to….”
Still with the questions. I tugged him forward without even a glance. “Whatever it is can wait,” I huffed. “I—this—can’t.”
He snorted in amusement, gave in to my pull, and fell in behind. God, he was perfect. My groin tightened further, as if that were even possible.
Not about to miss a thing, I swung him onto the bed and flicked on a bedside lamp, bathing the room in a soft glow. The two months since I’d last been in this room felt like a lifetime of frustration. Now, seeing this man—seeing my man, sprawled on his bed, watchful, eyes glued to mine, waiting on me… holy shit… I didn’t even know where to start.
I licked my lips and studied every glorious inch of him. “You are so beautiful, Reuben Taylor. You know that, right?”
He eyed me warily but with the barest edge of a smile. “We’re really gonna do this, huh?”
I held his gaze. “You want?”
A full-powered grin lit up his face. “Fuck, yeah. I’m all yours.” His arms spread wide to the sides. “How do you want me?”
I replied with my best lecherous grin. “Naked. We’ll figure out the rest.”
He scrambled to get out of his clothes as I kicked off my boots and palmed myself firmly through my chinos, hoping like crazy he’d be up for more than one round, ’cause there was no way I was lasting longer than the beat of a fantail’s wing the first time inside him. Jesus, at this point I’d be thankful to even get that far.
Clothes strewn across the floor, Reuben rummaged in the back of his drawer and threw a somewhat crinkled condom packet and some lube on the bed. Then he arranged himself spreadeagled, eyes locked on mine, stroking an impressive erection. Damn.
The wanton display of prime muscle laid bare for the taking—for my taking—promptly slid into the number-one spot in my spank bank. And if I’d had any question as to whether the man was as into this as I was, the positively feral look crawling from those blown, storm-grey eyes was all the answer I needed.
“God, look at you.” I licked my lips, and his eyes tracked me as I crawled onto the bed and up his body. Batting his hand away from his dick, I pressed a firm kiss to his lips and started a slow grind against him. “It’s mine until I say so,” I growled into his ear.
He grinned against my jawline and landed a kiss there. “It’s been yours since I first saw you. Only yours. Can’t imagine that ever changing.”
Huh. I pulled back to study him, somewhat startled by the flush of pink on his cheeks. There was no mistaking the implication, even if the actual words weren’t said, and something in me unfurled at the hearing of it, some pivotal element of reassurance slotting into place. A warmth spread and settled through my chest.
He snorted. “Nothing you didn’t already know, I’m figuring.”
Had I… known, before today? Hoped on some level, maybe. We had some spectacular chemistry, but more than that? On my part, sure. Reuben attracted me on so many levels, I didn’t know where to start, and that’s why he was so fucking dangerous to my heart. But knowing for sure that he felt an equal connection had my heart stuttering once again as I witnessed the vulnerability he was at such pains to hide. Goddamn, he was beautiful.
The fact I was even here let him know his feelings were reciprocated, but regardless of our promises just minutes before, everything still felt too new, too… risky to put them in the words they needed. And so I did what I could. I cupped his jaw, met his eyes, and took his mouth in a fierce kiss, imbuing it with everything I couldn’t say, everything I wanted and wished for, chasing his courage and my faith, and letting my body do the talking.
He responded in like fashion, plunging his tongue into my mouth whilst wrapping his athletic body around my hips like a vice. There was no way I could outmuscle him if I’d even wanted, and I’d never felt so damn desired. He dragged me hard against him at the same time his hands crowded under my shirt, desperate for all the skin and heat they could find. Seconds later my shirt was on the floor, minus its buttons, and I could give less than a fuck. He was on me like white on rice and I couldn’t get enough.
He owned my body without question for the next few minutes, his lips never once leaving mine, rumbling growls emanating from his throat as his hands roamed any damn place they pleased, and all the time keeping up that slow, delicious grind. Man, the guy could kiss, and it was a struggle to reconcile this muscle-bound toppy son of a bitch with the gentle, pliant guy who took to getting ordered around in bed like he was born to it.
It was somewhat of a shock, and a massive turn-on at the same time. Like I’d thrown some hot-switch, and it added light years to his appeal. Unpredictability in bed was highly underrated. Could I get on board with being thrown around from time to time? Hell, yeah, I could.
He pulled up, eyeing me uncertainly, even checking I was okay with how things were going, maybe. I shot him a wink. “Intermission?” I purred, arching up against him. “I vote for ice cream… without the ice. You offering?”
He relaxed, grinned, and kissed the end of my nose. Dear God, I loved that. Then he kissed each of my eyes and I suddenly had a new favourite thing. The intensity of his stare was so focused, I could barely hold it, and then he smiled, and my brain exploded with the fluttering impact. I was so gone for this man you couldn’t even see my dust.
“Goddamn, you look sexy with that shit around your eyes, babe,” he purred.
“Babe?” I could only laugh. “Glad you approve.”
A small crease formed between his eyes. “I’ll always approve.” He rubbed his nose against mine, and yeah, that favourite list was gonna need a new page. Right after I hunted down a tissue to mop the moisture from my sappy eyes. It’s not too late to put a stop to this, a voice popped in my head. But yeah, it kind of was. My heart was engaged full throttle. Shit was gonna hurt, either way. May as well enjoy the ride.