by Jay Hogan
He’d bailed me up during the following training session to have his say, and I let him. He was pissed with me for sure, but mostly concerned for his brother. He wasn’t shy, calling me a dickhead about remaining closeted, though of course he, of all people, understood that, to a point. He was worried about Cam because of the whole Dominic thing, and fuck if that didn’t make me feel even more shitty.
But what did surprise me was how pissed he was with Cam, going so far as to warn him not to fuck up any AB chance for me. Weird. On the one hand he was angry I wasn’t out, and on the other he was wanting Cam to be careful not to out me.
Cam explained it. This early on, when I wasn’t even really in the team yet, if I came out, then the whole thing would be official and appropriately managed by AB policy. But if I was outed in some other headline way, management would be caught unaware and might choose their position with less scrutiny, possibly even sidelining me from future selection if I was seen as a bit too incendiary for them. My All Black career would be over before it even got started.
Hence neither of us were in Mathew’s good books. Thank Christ, Carter’s Nissan pulled up seconds after Mathew and I had clapped shoulders in greeting, thereby avoiding the awkwardness of any small talk.
Carter nodded to us both. “Are we ready, kiddies?”
Mathew side-eyed me. “Lead on, but be warned,” he said. “I’m not doing any crazy shit ice-breakers with a bunch of hormone-saturated teens.”
I chuckled and slapped him on the back. “I’m sure Cam would’ve warned us. And I’m with you on that one—all the way.”
THERE WERE, in fact, two crazy shit ice-breakers, goddammit. Cam, the smug bastard, orchestrated the whole thing with a shit-eating grin on his face. I was gonna have his damn hide later on. Then I grinned wondering in what universe was that ever gonna happen?
The Q and A had gone from there, and I think Cam was pretty pleased overall—a bit quiet at the start, but when we got to the topics of bullying on and off the sports field, first-fifteen douchebags, homophobic parents, and spectators, things flowed better, and the kids had a lot to say. There were some who clearly weren’t interested much in sport but had more than a passing interest in the two beefed-up, clueless men to my left, something I intended to mercilessly tease them about afterwards.
While Cam wrapped up the cleaning, I chatted to Terry and Linc, the last stragglers. Terry had a million questions, and I loved the way his young mind grabbed on to stuff and analysed the shit out of it. If he didn’t go into politics or some social justice thing it would be a waste to all concerned, and I told him so.
He stared at me with a you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me expression frozen on his face. Then a sly grin turned up the corners of his mouth and his eyes sparkled. “You really think so?” he bubbled.
I couldn’t keep from smiling. “Absolutely. Hell, you can talk me into a corner, kid, and I’m no slouch.”
Linc nudged Terry with his elbow. “Told you, T. You’re crazy smart and you care so fucking much.” There was more than a touch of pride in the younger boy’s tone.
Terry looked at his boyfriend with such affection, my eyes welled. God, how different my life could have been if I’d had this.
Terry hooked his arm around the young boy’s waist, drawing him into a chaste kiss. I turned to find Cam staring at them in silence, and I was certain we were thinking the same thing. Two young men having the courage to do in public what I couldn’t or wouldn’t do with Cam. If I hadn’t felt enough of a heel before, I fucking did now.
Terry stepped forward with his hand outstretched. “Thanks, for everything—the tickets and today. It means a lot.”
I found a grin for them both. “My pleasure, guys. You make a pretty cute couple—you know that?”
Linc blushed to his roots, and Terry sent me a curious look. Had the comment sounded too gay?
“I’m not really into sports and shit….” Linc flustered.
I rested a hand on his slight shoulder for a moment. “That’s okay.”
Terry slid his hand into his boyfriend’s and Linc continued. “I just want to say it meant a lot to hear you guys talk about believing in yourself. Knowing that even you feel scared about stuff sometimes, even about how you… look.” He eyed me sideways as if to check he’d said it right.
God, I wished I could tell him just how much I actually got it. “Absolutely,” I reassured him. “As a fullback I’m nowhere near as built as most of the other players. It gets pretty intimidating at times… even in the locker rooms.” I grinned. “And some of our opposition are huge—like tank-sized huge—so you really have to believe in your skills to stand firm and face shit down, right?”
Linc blew out a sigh. “Yeah. It’s cool to know you’re not all dicks. Shit. I didn’t mean that I thought you were… shit.”
Terry snorted as his boyfriend turned a brilliant shade of crimson.
I barked out a laugh. “Don’t sweat it. I know exactly what you mean.”
Terry chewed on his lip like he had something else to say, so I waited him out.
“They can’t all be straight… right?” he finally asked. “The All Blacks, I mean, you know, over the years… statistically.”
I threw a glance Cam’s way, but his expression gave nothing away. He also showed zero inclination to help me out. Bastard.
I answered. “Yeah, we can only hope it gets easier for people in the future, right?”
Linc’s smile brightened. “Yeah.”
He tugged on his boyfriend’s hand, and I watched them leave, my heart dragging more than it had in a while. Colour me hypocrite. Christ. I’d been them as a kid. In some ways I was still them as an adult. Scared, looking for a role model, desperate to live my truth. The worst of it? I actually had it within me to give them the model they wanted. But life’s never that simple. I had Cory to think about.
And if you didn’t? a niggling voice challenged. There’d be some other reason, right? The game, your career, your father, the All Blacks…. Isn’t he just a convenient excuse?
Yeah. My conscience was doing a shitty number on me lately.
The heat of Cam’s hand on my back broke the cycle of self-pity. He leaned his chin on my shoulder, kissed my neck, and it went a long way towards righting my normal.
“You wanna shake this joint, handsome?” he crooned. “I have a dick with your name on it.”
The ridiculous snort that launched itself from my nose wasn’t pretty and for sure wasn’t going to earn me points on the cool-and-sexy scale. But it brokered some relief from the guilt threatening to drown me.
Always sensitive, Cam wrapped his arms around my chest and pulled me in tighter. “Enough guilt,” he scolded flatly. “I agreed to this as well, remember?”
I sighed. “Yeah, and I still don’t understand why you even bothered. I know this is shit for you, don’t even try and pretend otherwise.”
“Do you really not understand why, by now?” he asked softly. “Kinda thought that was obvious.”
I nodded and leaned back against him. “Yeah. I’m not sure I deserve it, though.”
“You let me decide that. Besides, I want Cory safe as well. I just wish you’d let me help you with that. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“I know.” And I did, finally. “I’ve been thinking about that, actually. About how it might be time I talk to someone in child services, maybe get some advice.”
Cam literally beamed and pulled me tighter against him. “Really? That’s a great idea. I know someone… if you want.”
I angled my head around to plant a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks for being so patient with me and yeah, I’d love that.”
He sank his teeth into my shoulder, and my knees damn near buckled. The ease of the man’s sexuality, and the way he centred that heady attention on me, scrambled every stupid thought in my head. Any time he was in the same room, my body sat up and wanted to dance, it was as simple as that.
Teeth nibbled at my ear as a hand reached aroun
d to cup my junk. “Is your place safe today?” he hummed. “It’s closer, and I’m not in the mind to wait.”
I nodded. “Just you and me.”
He slapped my butt and headed to the front door, pausing to hold it open for me. He cocked a brow. “Coming?”
As soon as possible. I legged it for the door.
Chapter Nineteen
Cam
IT WAS a relief to pull up to Reuben’s apartment and not find Craig’s car there. The guy was making a genuine effort to stay off the booze, or at least not get shit-faced three times a week, but he was still dumping Cory on Reuben most Sundays if Reuben was home, regardless of his game schedule.
It had raised its head in conversation between Reuben and myself on occasion, but every time I suggested he needed to be clearer about boundaries with Craig, the atmosphere took a chilly turn, and I backed off. It wasn’t my business, after all—not really. I just hated to see the tightness creep into Reuben’s tone whenever he got that call, or had to cancel or change something we’d planned because he needed to take Cory.
Not that I minded—I loved that kid. But I hated what it did to Reuben. He needed a reliable schedule, his body needed rest and good nutrition, and I increasingly saw that he needed someone—hopefully me—to be the bad guy and make sure he got all of that. Left to his own devices, he found it impossible to turn Craig down, and the fucker knew that.
I’d come to understand that Reuben’s brother, other than being in the running for loser-dad-of-the-year award, was pretty harmless on the whole. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t manipulative as hell as far as his son was concerned. He knew how much Reuben loved Cory, and he played it for everything it was worth to get himself as much kid-free time as possible.
Still, it wasn’t my battle—well, it hadn’t been until today. Reuben’s decision to talk to child services was a big-arse step forward and I could barely contain my excitement. He was finally letting me in. This was big couple shit and that was a massive change. I tried to keep it down but hope surged in me for the first time in a long while.
To watch Reuben connect with those kids today and their awe and appreciation in return had put me in the mood to ride my boyfriend, hard. He looked surprised when I stripped completely—no silk today, just bright yellow briefs—and simply dived onto his bed. I pulled a length of red nylon rope from my duffel and placed it next to the pillow. Then I waited.
We hadn’t messed around with restraints yet, and I wondered if it might be too much, too soon. But if the strangled sound he made at the sight of the cord was anything to go by, it wasn’t going to be a problem. I swallowed a smile at the thought of what his teammates would think. We might only be weeks into this thing, with a shit ton of stuff that had the ability to unglue us, but sex was never gonna be one of them.
AWAKE FIRST, I rolled gently in Reuben’s furnace-like tangle of limbs so as not to wake him. I swear the guy burned ten degrees hotter than any other living creature. Then I took a few long minutes to drink in the face of the man… I loved. Yeah, goddammit. So much for the falling part. I’d sucked it up and bought the whole shebang. It had hit me like a freight train the night before as I’d straddled his body, his wrists tied to the bedhead, his formal All Black tie wrapped tight around his eyes and the pattern of my teeth fanned out on the skin across his chest.
I’d been running my fingers across his stomach, zeroing in on all those sensitive spots I’d mapped so well. The heat of his flesh under my touch and his absolute trust pulled something tight deep inside. It anchored something in my soul that had been unmoored for a long, long time, and that’s when it hit me… he felt like home. Reuben was becoming my home.
I’d kissed him in that moment, and he’d gone motionless under the press of my lips, every fibre of his body laser focussed on that one spot. I kept it feather soft, light as a butterfly, his stubble grazing my chin, my eyelashes floating across his cheeks, brushing aside the damp of his tears, feeling the soft sigh of his breath slip between my lips.
I wanted Reuben Taylor, wanted him in every way you could want another person, and I moved from fucking to making love, from getting us off to filling him up with all the care I believed he deserved. He was so much more than I thought I’d ever find, and that’s when I knew. The scales had tipped. I was in freaking love. Holy crap.
The fact I hadn’t blurted the actual words at the time was a credit to my crisis management training, and little else. Close to bolting, I was stayed only by the deepening crease between Reuben’s eyes, and the slender twisted lock of blond hair lying over it. Did he feel the same way? I was pretty sure he did, but I filed the question for another time. It was a big, big problem for my heart. He still wasn’t out, and not looking like it anytime soon.
I wriggled to change position, safe within his arms, and tried to set my worries aside as the soft grey light of morning filtered into the bedroom. The glass dripped with condensation—a cool start, maybe even a frost. I needed to be at work by eight thirty and traffic would be bedlam as usual. I brushed my lips across Reuben’s as my free hand snaked under the covers.
“Morning, gorgeous,” I whispered, and he squirmed deliciously as I wrapped a hand around him.
“Best. Alarm. Ever,” he murmured.
I chuckled, and he rolled to kiss me. “Nuh-uh. No time.” I pushed him away and gave the red cord hanging from the bedhead a lingering glance. “Come on, sleeping beauty, shake a leg. Take the shower first. I’m gonna need extra to get my eyeliner straight today.”
“Straight, huh? Like that’s ever gonna happen.” He flung the covers off to stretch, exposing all that gorgeous skin. Judging by the accompanying smirk, it was a deliberate attempt to derail my plans, and it nearly worked. Especially when he slowly, so fucking slowly, slid to his feet and bent over to grab his boxers. The sinful groan that escaped my mouth would’ve made a drag queen blush.
“Goddammit, Rube, get that deliciousness out of my sight before I faceplant you on the floor and fuck you into next week, so help me.”
His eyes popped, but his grin widened, and he walked away with a calculating sexy swagger to his hips.
“Ugh.” I buried my face in the sheets and thought of my mother interrupting me jerking off when I was fourteen, a guaranteed erection downer. Mission accomplished.
Nerves wormed their way through my belly as I relived my feelings from the night before, but there was no point borrowing trouble until I had time to think. If Reuben did feel the same, there was maybe a chance we could actually come up with some kind of timeline for the whole coming-out thing. Love added all kinds of complications to our current arrangement, and my heart was in real peril now. I wanted to trust him, but for that I needed him to be on board with a plan, a serious plan.
I was still mulling the possibilities while organising breakfast when a key hit the front door. Goddammit, Craig. I glanced down, wishing with everything I had that I’d put on something more than just the yellow briefs before hitting the kitchen. Too late now. Reuben’s bedroom was across the hall and in full view of the front door. At least they weren’t the lace pair I’d left here. I silently thanked Reuben for ensuring another of my favourite underwear hadn’t survived his attention. His brother had the worst timing.
As the deadbolt slammed open, it suddenly occurred to me Craig might have Cory with him. My gaze flew around the kitchen for anything I could use as a cover up, but a tea towel really wasn’t gonna cut it. The pantry got a second look, but it was too small. Best I could hope was for Craig to make his way to the lounge and bypass the kitchen, but with the smell of coffee brewing, chances were slim he’d miss that opportunity. I was so screwed.
With no sound of the shower, it occurred to me maybe Reuben was out. I felt a surge of hope. Come on, Rube. Chances were good he’d come find me for a grope. The fucker loved to tease me wearing nothing but a towel. But of course, this morning, nothing.
A bag hit the floor by the front door. Shit, shit, shit. In my head I yelled for Reuben.
“Reuben!”
That wasn’t in my head, and it wasn’t Craig… holy fuck. Reuben’s dad. Brian Taylor absolutely could not find me here. Panic took over as I pushed back against the wall, desperate to stay out of sight of the open kitchen door.
Footsteps down the hall, and seconds away from discovery, a sudden calm descended over me. What the hell was I doing? I couldn’t change anything now. I drew a deep breath and stood tall. If we were gonna be outed, I wasn’t gonna be fucking ashamed about it. And if Brian Taylor got pissy with me—hell, if he got physical—he’d soon realise he’d made a mistake, a big one.
The bedroom door slammed back on its hinges. “Dad,” Reuben gasped, and my knees buckled in relief. “What the hell? Don’t you ever knock?”
The older man huffed in disgust. “I own this bloody garage, son, including this apartment. I’ll come and go as I damn well please.”
“I pay rent. You’ve got no right….”
“You pay piss all,” he interrupted. “Anyway, what the hell do you need privacy for? Not like you’ve got a girl in there. I should be so damn lucky.”
“Fuck off.”
“Watch your mouth, you little—”
“Don’t,” Reuben warned, an icy edge to his voice. “Just go in the lounge and I’ll bring coffee.” In the kitchen, he cast a brief eye my way before opening the cup cupboard and effectively blocking the door.
“Don’t forget sugar,” Brian Taylor grumbled and disappeared into the lounge.
As soon as his dad was gone, Reuben spun to face me, and clocking my attire, his eyes flashed a mix of irritation and panic. “Get in the bedroom and stay there.”
Whoa. I took a mental step back. What the fuck? “Hey,” I whispered, resting a hand on his arm.
He jumped like he’d been burned. “Don’t,” he warned, his gaze flitting to the lounge. “Just go. And don’t come out till I say.”