by Sterling, J.
I bristled, and he noticed. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him bringing up her name, it was that I’d already thought about that fact more than once. What if I missed my chance with Claudia? What if this thing between us was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I let it go?
I’d struggled with those thoughts because I didn’t want how I felt about Shelby and our relationship to have anything to do with Claudia. None of this was truly about her. How I felt about Shelby—my unhappiness, my feelings of obligation and guilt—none of it had anything to do with any other woman, and the last thing I wanted was for it to. I truly needed to keep a clear head, but the second Ryan brought Claudia up, my brain fogged up like a bathroom mirror.
“You invited her to the bar tonight,” he said, his tone almost incredulous. “You’re in no position to be doing things like that, but you did it anyway. I’m not judging you, because I want you to be happy, but I think this might get out of control if you’re not careful. And then instead of no one getting hurt, everyone is going to.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, letting his words swim around in my head, wondering why the hell I felt so stuck.
“Why can’t I just break up with her? It’s not like we’re married or have kids. I mean, I look at her sometimes and I’m just sitting there staring at her, willing my mouth to say the things my mind is thinking, but the words never come out,” I admitted, my frustration only growing.
“What is it thinking?” Ryan asked, and I shot him a confused glare. “You said you wanted to say what your mind was thinking.”
“Oh, right. It tells me to just end things. Tell her that I don’t want to be together anymore, or that I think we should break up. That I’m not happy, and I’m sure she isn’t either. And I sit there yelling at myself to just say it out loud already, but I never do. It’s like I can’t get the words to actually leave my mouth.” I closed my eyes, willing the frustration and emotions battering me to grant me a reprieve for one second.
“Frank, it’s not in your nature to hurt people. You’ve got more integrity than anyone I’ve ever known. Remember when guys tried to step on your back to get ahead in baseball? You never acted like that. You always worked hard for the things you wanted, and you never took shortcuts. You’ve always been a stand-up guy in every aspect of your life. That’s why this is so hard for you. Because it’s making you feel less than stand-up. It’s making you feel small and like you’re in the wrong.”
Ryan placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze. “But there’s nothing wrong with moving on. If you don’t want to be with Shelby anymore, that doesn’t make you a bad guy. I can tell you that a thousand times, but none of it’ll matter unless you believe it yourself. You gotta cut yourself some slack, brother. I mean that.”
He was right. Those were three words I’d never wanted to say out loud because I was certain Ryan would never let me live them down, but he was right.
“It helps hearing you say it. I’ve been beating myself up for years, but when you tell me I’m not a bad person, it makes me want to believe it.”
“You’re not a bad person. But I do think you’ll hate yourself if you cross the line with Claudia while you’re still with Shelby.”
“I definitely would.” I nodded. “But I can’t stay away from her.” Admitting that should have made me feel worse than it did.
“Like I said, I think there’s a reason for all of it. If there was no Claudia tempting you, you’d still be content to stay miserable and live in your little duty-filled world. It’s probably time to make a change in your life, and this is the only way to get you to really see it.”
Sometimes I wondered how and when my brother got so damned enlightened. It was a highly spiritual concept, one I’d studied for a bit when I went through my post-baseball who-am-I-now phase. But what Ryan said made sense to me. It resonated.
“Thanks again. I really do appreciate you being here for me, and not judging.”
“You’d do the same for me,” he said with a stupid grin that made me want to hit him. Ryan had that effect on people.
I needed to figure my life out, and I needed to do it without bringing Claudia into the mix. The problem was that whenever I started to think about her, she was all I saw. My dying relationship had absolutely nothing to do with her, but it suddenly felt like she was the reason for everything.
Confused
Claudia
It wasn’t that I dreaded walking through the front door and filling Britney in, but I felt almost embarrassed at the way my night had ended with Frank. Embarrassed wasn’t really the right word. I was confused. Sucking in a deep breath, I steadied myself for the barrage of questions sure to come as I opened the door.
Britney sat on the couch, pretending she wasn’t waiting up for me, but we both knew exactly what she was doing. She clicked a button on the remote, and the TV fell silent as a wide grin appeared on her face. As she patted a spot on the couch next to her, her smile never faltered.
“Tell me everything. I’ve been dying all night. I half wondered if you’d even come home.”
I laughed. “You wouldn’t even think something like that if you had seen the way we said good-bye.”
She squinted at me, obviously unsure what I meant. “What are you talking about? Wait, was the night bad?”
I snuggled into the couch, pulling my legs underneath me. “No. It was amazing. At least, I thought it was.”
“But?” Britney waved a hand for to continue, like I was telling this story far too slowly.
“I don’t know. He was weird when I left.”
“Weird how? Did he kiss you? Oh, please tell me that one of us has been kissed by a Fisher brother.” She fluttered her eyelashes and held a hand to her heart, practically swooning at the thought.
“Nope.”
“No?” she squeaked out, her eyes wide.
“No,” I said again.
“Wait. Before the good-bye, you guys were having a good time? Do you feel a connection with him?”
I nodded my head furiously. “There’s definitely something there. I’m so attracted to him, but it’s more than that, you know?”
She sighed out loud, her tone almost dreamlike as she said, “I wish I did.”
Her reaction made me laugh. “What are you talking about?”
“I wish I knew what it felt like to have that connection, that spark, that thing we see in all the movies and read about in books. I want that, and you have it. And with a Fisher brother, no less!” She groaned as she threw her head back into the cushions.
I wanted to argue, to tell her that I didn’t have anything, but it would have been a lie.
When a soul-deep connection exists between people, it can’t be denied because it isn’t in your control. You can’t wish it away or pretend it’s not there once you’re aware of it. Soul connections bond people, whether you want them to or not.
“But what if he doesn’t feel it? What if I’m sitting here thinking there’s this big, beautiful connection between us, and he doesn’t feel the same?” It terrified me to think that Frank would try to deny what was between us, or fight against it.
Britney shook her head. “Not a chance. He may not know what it is that he’s feeling, but he definitely feels something for you. You can see it all over his face and in his eyes when he looks at you, Claudia.”
“Really?” I hated how insecure I sounded, but putting your heart on the line was terrifying, and I scared easily when it came to love.
“I swear. I wouldn’t lie to you about this.”
I breathed deeply, forcing myself to calm down. “Thank God, because I’d really hate to feel like this alone.”
“There’s no way this is one-sided,” she reassured me, and I believed her wholeheartedly because I wanted to. I needed to.
“So, how did you say good-bye? Did he walk you out? Did he hug you? What happened?”
“He walked me to my car and I thought he was going to kiss me, but then he kissed my cheek instead.”
I couldn’t hide the disappointment in my voice.
Britney burst out laughing, and I swatted her arm to get her to stop. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh,” she tried to say through her laughter. “I don’t even know why I’m laughing.”
“You’re not helping,” I growled, but then my phone let out a beep. I pulled it out and found I had a text from Frank, asking if I’d gotten home safely.
“Is that him? Oh, please, let me text him back.”
I turned away from her, holding my phone in a death grip as I composed a nonchalant response. Once I’d hit Send, I dropped my phone into my lap and glared at my roommate.
“Are you going to tell me why you think my evening was so funny? I’m dying here, Brit. Why the hell didn’t he kiss me? Do you think he didn’t like me after spending more time together?”
I hated to even think it, but it was the only possibility that made any sense. If Frank had lost interest after getting to know me better, then he wouldn’t want to take things further.
But could that be possible when I felt the exact opposite?
“Did you say something super offensive? Did you hit on Ryan? Did you hurt Frank’s precious ego?”
Frank’s ego? What the hell was she talking about? “No,” I said slowly as I frowned, amazed at the crazy way her mind worked. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
“You know how men are. Hurt their ego and pride, and they cry behind closed doors and hold it against you forever.”
And there we had it. My roommate and best friend was officially crazy.
“I didn’t do or say anything to hurt anyone. There weren’t even any awkward pauses. It was all—” I shook my head, searching for the right word. “It was effortless and really, really nice.”
“Oh my God. I know what it is,” she said, punching the couch cushion with her fist.
I relaxed a little at her sudden enthusiasm and change of attitude. “Tell me.”
“We both know Frank is quiet and reserved. We’ve talked about it before. He probably just chickened out at the last second. Do you think that’s possible?”
I chewed on that for a moment. “Maybe, I guess. I don’t really know.” Thinking about Frank chickening out didn’t seem possible, but maybe he had.
“It makes so much sense. He’s probably scared of you.”
“Scared of me?” The concept was beyond ridiculous. “Why the hell would he be scared of me?”
“Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re stupid-hot, confident, and opinionated. That’s intimidating to men.”
My first instinct was to argue with her, but I stopped myself. It wasn’t that I agreed on the stupid-hot part, but I had been known to intimidate men in the past. I’d always hated that, and immediately lost interest in any guy who wasn’t strong enough to deal with me.
“I don’t think Frank’s scared of anything,” I said softly.
“But you don’t know, right? Maybe when it comes to him, you’re going to have to be the aggressor. If you want this to go further, you might have to initiate things. Maybe something bad happened to him in the past, and he’s skittish when it comes to relationships.”
I pondered her words, bristling internally at her suggestion that I be the aggressor. It wasn’t the first time she had mentioned me having to be the one who took the lead when it came to Frank.
“What’s with the face?” Britney asked.
“I really don’t like the idea of being the stronger one. I don’t want to be the guy in the relationship. And to be honest, I get it that Frank’s quieter than Nick and Ryan, but he’s not insecure. He’s not one of those guys who needs the girl to take the lead. I think the problem is something else; I just don’t have any idea what.”
“Well, you know him better than I do. But I wouldn’t rule out attacking him with your mouth the next time you see him.” She puckered her lips and kissed the air.
Was she right?
Was I completely wrong in the way I read him?
I longed to latch on to anything that made sense when it came to our night and how it ended, but I failed. I tried to convince myself that Frank being shy was the answer, but I knew in my heart that it wasn’t the truth. There was no way Frank had chickened out at the last second because he was scared like Britney had suggested. It didn’t add up, didn’t feel right at all.
“Maybe he’s just the kind of guy who likes to take things really slow,” I said, and Britney gave me a halfhearted shrug.
“Maybe.”
Defeated, I sighed. “I just have no idea what else it could be. Actually taking the time to get to know someone before getting physical with them does seem like something he’d do. He has integrity.”
“I can see that now you that you mention it,” Britney said, and my thoughts settled. “Maybe you should play hard-to-get. Make him crazed with want.”
“I don’t want to play games. I just want to be gotten. Oh God, I’m so into him already. I’m just like all the other girls who fall for a Fisher brother!” I groaned.
“You are not. Frank actually likes you back. He’s just . . . cautious,” Britney said with a shrug. “Yeah, he’s cautious.”
“Cautious.” I repeated her word, liking the way it felt.
She nodded. “Do you think you’ll see him again?”
“I want to,” I admitted without shame.
“You might have to ask him.” She laughed. “And then attack him with your mouth.”
“I am not doing that. I’m just not.” I shook my head, refusing to be the one who asked to see him again, or took the lead in whatever this was that we had started. I wasn’t sure why I was so adamant about letting him take control, but I refused to budge on it.
Britney stood up from the couch, reaching over her head as she stretched. “All right, then. We’ll play it by ear.”
“We will?”
“Yes, we will. I’m invested. But first, I’m going to bed. Unless you want to talk more?”
“Nothing to say, really.”
“See you in the morning then. Try not to overthink it. We’ll figure this Fisher dilemma out.”
“Thank you.” I smiled, feeling significantly better than I had before, even though nothing had actually been resolved. Sometimes just having your best friend’s ear was all you needed to feel less crazy and alone.
• • •
I woke up the next morning to find a message waiting for me from Frank. When I saw his name on my phone’s screen, my heart skipped a beat. I pressed the button to read the text, and his words filled me with warmth.
Frank: Good morning. I had a really nice time last night. I hope to see you again soon.
“He wants to see me again!” I shouted from my bed, hoping Britney would hear me.
“What are you yelling about?” she shouted back.
I laughed and tossed the covers off, then ran into her room, waving my phone. “He wants to see me again!”
“Who does?” she asked through a yawn.
“Frank, dummy.”
Her eyes lit up and she sat up, tucking pillows behind her back. “Ooh! Let me see the text.” She grabbed my phone and when she read the text, a smile appeared. “That’s sweet.”
“Right?”
“What are you going to say back? That you’re coming over right now? That you’d prefer him to be naked the next time you see him?”
I giggled. “Probably none of that.”
“Of course. You should play it cool,” she said, sounding completely serious.
I typed out a quick response and waited.
“Wait, what did you say? You didn’t even consult with me before you pressed Send.” Britney gave me a pout.
“I asked him if I could come by later.”
She swatted my arm. “You little vixen. I like your style. Now, get out of my room so I can get dressed.”
I practically skipped out of her room and down the hall to my bathroom. Whatever weirdness I’d thought was there last night had evap
orated in the morning with a single text message. If all it took was a few words from Frank to completely set me at ease and change my mood, I was in deeper than I thought.
On the drive to work, Britney asked no less than twenty times if he had responded yet. I kept telling her that he hadn’t even read it, but that tidbit of information seemed lost on her.
“He’s probably still sleeping, Brit. He gets home at like three in the morning, so I’m sure he sleeps half the day away.”
“You’re right. Has he responded yet?”
I rolled my eyes as I navigated my Jetta through the parking garage. “I promise I’ll tell you as soon as he does.”
It took Frank more than a few hours to finally respond, but when he did, it made me smile from ear to ear.
Frank: Hell yes. Come by anytime. Can’t wait to see you.
If I’d thought the text from this morning had made my day, then this one made my week. Everything inside me softened. Frank took all my sharp edges and rounded them without even trying.
I dialed Britney’s extension on my office phone to let her know that he’d finally texted and exactly what he said, which set her off about my outfit for round two, as she’d started calling it. It had either been that or date numero dos, and hearing her try to speak Spanish, even if it was only a couple of words, was more than a little painful. Round two, it was. I’d deal with her suggestion later about wearing a super-slutty outfit, an idea I wasn’t even remotely entertaining.
“So, are you excited for round two?” Britney asked with a smile as we drove home.
“I am.”
Nerves fluttered in my stomach. Seeing Frank was all I could think about. Not even telling Mrs. Schilling that I couldn’t approve her loan for the second time had soured my mood. The possibility of what could be and the hope I felt blooming about something special beginning between Frank and me made everything better. Everything.