by Anne Bennett
Everyone felt sorry for the McCluskys and many understood the spiral of depression Matt and Mary had sunk into when the telegram arrived, cutting off all hope that either of their sons might have survived. So they continued to pop in and out as they had when the news first broke and didn’t usually come empty-handed. Unable to do anything to ease the situation, they brought a bit of stew they had left over and cakes they’d made, and Angela marvelled that these people, some of whom had little enough for themselves, were willing to share with them. Norah also visited, and Stan were always popping in and out.
The priest, Father Brannigan, came too, purporting to show support and sympathy in their loss, but managed to turn it round to slight condemnation against Matt and Mary for letting the boys go in the first place. While he drank two cups of tea he ladled three sugars into them and ate all the scones that one of their neighbours had brought round for them earlier that day.
Eventually, annoyed at the implied criticism Angela knew Mary and Matt were unable to cope with, she said, ‘Sean and Gerry had no permanent work, Father. They had to go each day to the factories to pick up a few hours’ work if they could. Often they arrived home empty-handed.’
‘Many work that way.’
‘But maybe they haven’t an alternative,’ Angela said. ‘But Sean and Gerry had two brothers already in America who could find them good jobs and have them lodging in the same house as themselves. It was a wrench for them to go for all of us, but I know they felt bad when they could contribute nothing at home. They saw themselves as a drain on the family and could see no future for themselves. No-one did anything wrong and yet Mammy and Daddy have lost two sons and maybe prayers, rather than censure, would be more helpful at this point.’
Had Mary and Matt been thinking straight they probably would have been surprised at Angela talking to the priest that way, but it all went over their heads and even Father Brannigan didn’t come back with a sharp retort as he would normally, for he was unused to any form of criticism from his parishioners. However, Angela’s words had hit home and he had seen the sadness lurking behind her eyes that glittered with unshed tears, and so they all knelt and said the rosary together and before the priest left he promised to say a Mass for the repose of the boys’ souls.
That comforted Angela a great deal but it didn’t seem to sink in to Mary and Matt. As the loss turned into a manageable ache, Barry had to go back to work, for they had to eat, and Matt made no effort to return. Mary seemed incapable of caring for the house or cooking anything and so Angela tried to give up the good job she had at Maitland’s grocer shop to look after them both.
However, Mr Maitland wasn’t happy losing his assistant who worked so hard and was a favourite with the customers because she was always so cheerful, and he said it had been a terrible tragedy and it was unreasonable to expect the parents to get over the loss of two sons straight away, and he gave her another week before he advertised for someone else. Barry was glad about that because he was the only one working and he hoped Angela could return to work before too long because money was so short.
However, the extra week was drawing to a close as one day slid into another with no change, and that night as Barry made his way home from work he’d made a decision, but first he had to talk to Angela. He had a bit of a wait but he was a patient man. Angela had cooked liver and onions and Barry tucked in with relish, glad that Angela was such a good cook and an economical one. His parents, he noted, had eaten little and he knew if they were to recover from this, he had to give them something to look forward to.
Eventually, with Mary and Matt helped to bed, Angela sat down on the settee before the hearth opposite Barry with a sigh. ‘Tired?’ Barry asked.
Angela nodded. ‘A little but it’s the emotional part of it that wearies me most.’
Barry shook his head. ‘I don’t know how you put up with it day by day.’
‘Well I owe your parents my life and love them dearly anyway. But I could cope much better if I could see some light at the end of the tunnel and for their sake more than mine.’
Barry suddenly moved to sit beside Angela and caught up her hand, something he hadn’t done since she’d been small and she wasn’t sure how to react. But she had no time to think because Barry looked deep into her eyes as he said, ‘What do you think of me, Angela?’
Angela looked at the dear and familiar face and his intense dark eyes and felt her stomach turn over like she had butterflies fluttering inside and her mouth was dry enough to make her voice husky when she said, ‘Wh … What d’you mean?’
‘You know what I mean,’ Barry said almost impatiently. ‘But if you are shy of saying so I will tell you what I think of you. That all right?’
Angela gave a brief nod and Barry went on, ‘I love you, every bit of you. I think I’ve loved you from the moment I first saw you with your blonde curls, your lovely blue eyes. But those eyes in the early days were sad and confused, and I wanted to help you and so I was determined then to be the best big brother I could be.’
‘And you were,’ Angela assured Barry. ‘But you were more than that. You were my protector, my knight in shining armour. I wouldn’t have got on half as well without you and I loved you too.’
‘As a brother?’
Angela swallowed deeply and said, ‘Yes, as a brother.’
‘You were a child and I was a child,’ Barry said. ‘But my love for you has changed and deepened and now I love you as a man loves a woman and I need to know if you feel the same.’
Angela didn’t answer straight away but then what she did say was, ‘I think it’s wrong for me to feel towards you any other way than as a brother.’
‘Why?’
‘Well we were brought up as brother and sister.’
‘Yes but we are not brother and sister. There is no blood between us and that’s what counts,’ Barry said earnestly. ‘Look, I had no intention of speaking of this, not because I was unsure of my own feelings but because I know you are only just sixteen and I am only nineteen. I intended leaving it two years till my apprenticeship is over and I’m earning decent money.’
‘You might be in an even worse state financially then, if you are laid off when you turn twenty-one as your brothers were,’ Angela said.
‘Yes and I’m afraid it may well be,’ Barry said and it did worry him that he would end up the same, but there was nothing he could do about that. He shrugged. ‘It’s a chance I must take,’ he said. ‘But whatever happens I’ll want you by my side, loving me as a woman with a love strong enough to withstand anything life throws at us.’
He hoped she felt the same, for he would not force her, and so he said almost tentatively, ‘Angela, could you love me even a little bit?’
Angela had been having strange yearnings flowing through her body when she was near Barry, or sometimes even when she just thought of him for months. She wasn’t sure what they were and she had tried to ignore them, pushing them down into her subconscious, certain the Church would say they were sinful. Most enjoyable things were.
But Barry’s words and passionate eyes boring into hers had unlocked her feelings and so she answered, ‘No.’ She saw his face fall and she added with a smile, ‘There’s no way I can love you a little bit, I can love you an enormous big bit.’
Barry felt as if his heart had stopped in his breast and he looked at Angela incredulously. ‘You mean that?’
‘I most certainly do. I can’t say when I stopped loving you just as a brother; I just know that I tried to push the feelings down, but the thought of not having you in my life fills me with fear. But now we have admitted our feelings for each other I think we will have to keep them secret from Mammy.’
‘Well my brothers seemed to think she knows already.’
‘Oh, she’s maybe guessed a bit but she won’t know for definite,’ Angela said. ‘I think we must hide our happiness for a wee while.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, out of respect, I suppose.’
‘
You knew Sean and Gerry as well as I did,’ Barry said. ‘And if it is as the priests say and they are in a better place and can look down on us, knowing them well, do you think they’d be happier in Paradise if we lamented long and hard and went round with faces that would turn the milk sour?’
‘Yes but …’
‘Angela, don’t think me heartless,’ Barry begged, ‘for I’m really not and there’s not a day goes by when I don’t miss my brothers, but they would want me to get on and live life. Besides, I’m not just thinking of me in this but of Mammy too, particularly Mammy, for if we wed soon she will have to take a grip on herself because there would be a wedding to plan and the thought of grandchildren to gladden her heart. It will give her something to look forward to, something to live for.’
Angela wasn’t at all sure that Barry was right in his assumptions, but now they had admitted their feelings for each other she doubted they could continue to be discreet, and anyway, she didn’t want some hole-in-a-corner affair. Barry had at least convinced her that they were doing nothing to be ashamed of, so she didn’t want to go skulking around her own home and perhaps lying to Mary and Matt, for that wouldn’t be showing either of them any respect at all. No, it had to be out in the open. ‘You’re right Barry, it’s only right that they be told as soon as possible.’
‘Yes,’ said Barry. ‘I’ll speak to them tomorrow after dinner.’
SIX
The following evening Angela had made an excellent stew from a selection of vegetables and a scrag end of mutton she had queued for hours in the Bull Ring to get. She wanted to make something a bit special for she knew Barry was intending to speak to his parents that night and in their present lethargy and sadness she wasn’t at all sure how they would react to it.
As they sat at the table Angela thought Mary looked just a shade better. There was a spark in her eyes that she hadn’t seen in a long while and she was pleased to see that Mary at least had got her appetite back, for she attacked her dinner with relish. Small signs of recovery, surely, and she couldn’t help feeling that what Barry was going to say might knock her right back again. When everyone had finished, Angela cleared away and made a cup of tea.
Normally they would take the tea to drink before the fire, but Barry asked them to sit at the table and drink it because he had something he wanted to say to them. Angela saw Mary gazing at Barry fearfully. Angela’s mouth went suddenly very dry and she watched Mary’s face with apprehension as Barry explained that the brotherly love he had always had for Angela had changed to real love and just the previous day Angela had admitted she felt the same way. ‘So now we know we truly love one another, we want to get married,’ Barry said.
Mary smiled wryly and she wondered if her young son thought he was telling her news because she’d seen how it was for the young people some time before. They had betrayed themselves in just the way they gazed at one another in odd moments. His brothers had been aware of it too, for she had overheard them discussing it and she couldn’t have been happier, for she had prayed for just such an outcome in her nightly prayers for years.
Before she was able to say this however, Matt spoke and as he hadn’t spoken since the arrival of the telegram, Angela was pleased that their discussion seemed to have got through to him, even though his words were ones of censure. ‘Talking of marriage when your brothers are barely cold?’ he said to Barry and his voice was almost a growl and the words seemed wrung out of him. ‘At best it’s unseemly and disrespectful. I’m ashamed of you, Barry.’
‘And not getting married will bring the boys back, will it?’ Mary demanded, before Barry had a chance to speak.
Angela looked at Mary her in astonishment. Mary caught the look and with a sigh admitted, ‘I’ve been thinking for a while that maybe I have been selfish, wallowing in self-pity.’
‘Ah no, Mammy,’ Angela contradicted. ‘You haven’t a selfish bone in your body.’
Mary shook her head with a sad smile and said, ‘I am no saint, my dear, and you have done your best to shield me from what happened on that tragic boat. But today when you were in the market, your father was feeling a bit chilly and so I went down to the cellar to get the makings to lay the fire and there I saw the old papers you kept from me and I read that entire families were lost on that ship and …’ Mary’s voice faltered and stopped as she recalled her shock and horror reading the words Barry and Angela had sought to protect her from. The anguish in her heart had forced a cry from her and tears stood out in her eyes for her own lost sons. And yet she knew they weren’t the only sons lost, there were also husbands, fathers and brothers lost. All no doubt beloved members of families who would always miss them, because even the relatively few passengers from steerage that had been rescued were women and children, the lucky ones.
Remembering this now she said to Barry, ‘Were there no men at all from steerage saved?’
‘Well it was women and children first,’ Barry said. ‘In the papers I read it said that at first, when the sailors began loading the lifeboats, it was first-class passengers first and there were men too. When they realized how bad the situation was, the men were refused and they only took women and children.’
‘Well I read in one paper that there weren’t enough lifeboats for all on board anyway,’ Mary said. ‘I think that a scandalous state of affairs.’
‘It was supposed to be unsinkable,’ Barry pointed out. ‘I imagine Finn and Colm feel bad because they encouraged Sean and Gerry to go on that ship.’
‘Because it was supposed to be the safest way to cross the Atlantic,’ Mary said. ‘And yet nothing changes, for aside from the men, most of those who were left to die in the icy sea were steerage passengers. Women and children, even wee babies.’
‘It was a dreadful thing to happen,’ Angela said. ‘I was beginning to think you would never recover from such tragedy.’
‘I was beginning to feel that way myself,’ Mary said. ‘But even before I found the papers in the cellar I had told myself that I must get over it. I mean I don’t think there will be a day goes by when I’ll not miss those boys and wish with all my heart they hadn’t died and certainly not in that awful way, but had they not died I was hardly likely to see them again, for few people ever return from America, and so it’s as if they are dead in a way.
‘Oh, they could have written as Finn and Colm do and I am pleased they have such good jobs and, please God, one day they will write and tell me of the girls they intend to marry and later the birth of children I will never see. It is hard rearing children who are unable to find any sort of future in the country where they were raised so that they have to go so far across the foam, but the reality is four sons have already been lost to me.’
Angela’s heart bled for the abject sorrow on Mary’s face because every word she spoke was the truth. And then Mary gave a sigh and went on, ‘However, some in that fated ship lost all belonging to them, while I still have one son left and I have Angela, who is as close as any daughter. For the two of you to wed is what I have longed for and though both of you are young, life is uncertain and I think we should go ahead and plan the wedding.’
‘I see you are determined upon it,’ Matt said. ‘Going on as if our sons had not existed.’
‘If they lived they would applaud us,’ Mary said. ‘And I doubt they’d feel any different dead. They knew the way the wind blew between Barry and Angela probably before they realized it themselves. I know you are hurting, for I am myself, but we can’t undo this terrible tragedy. Sean and Gerry died a painful death and that will stay with me always. But this is a new start for us all and if you can’t see that then you’re a numbskull.’
‘Oh, it’s a numbskull I am now, is it?’ Matt said, affronted.
‘Yes you are,’ Mary said unabashed. ‘If you can’t see that this is the way forward, the only way, something in life to look forward to and in time rejoice in.’
Matt was quiet and Angela could tell he was thinking over Mary’s words as she knew he often did. She
was astounded at the rapid turnabout Mary had made and wondered if they’d been right to try to shield her. She was a lot stronger than either of them had given her credit for and this truth was compounded when she turned to Angela and said, ‘Now weddings cost money and I know there is precious little to spare so how about trotting off to Maitland’s Grocery tomorrow morning and seeing if you can have your old job back. Didn’t you say he was keeping it open for you?’
Angela nodded. ‘Till this Monday.’
‘Well tomorrow is Saturday, so if he has kept his word your job will still be there for you.’
‘Shall you be all right?’
Mary nodded. ‘I might be better if I have less time to think.’
‘Shall you mind going back?’ Barry asked.
‘No,’ Angela said with a laugh. ‘Why should I mind? I loved my job and I know the money is needed. I can’t wait to start if you want the truth.’
‘Good,’ Mary said. ‘That’s settled then.’
The next morning Angela set off for Maitland’s Grocery Store early, fairly certain that George Maitland would be there getting ready for the first customers, and when she tapped on the door he opened it with a beam. ‘Am I pleased to see you,’ he cried, throwing the door wide. ‘Come in, come in and give me the news.’
‘Well the first thing is I would like my job back, please,’ Angela said.
George sighed in relief as Angela explained that she now felt able to leave Mary and Matt to fend for themselves and return to work. ‘They are much improved,’ she told George when he enquired after them. ‘At least,’ she added more honestly, ‘Mammy has improved. I think Daddy will never really get over it and I think he sort of blames Fin and Colm for encouraging the two younger ones to go. Mammy doesn’t and she says that tomorrow she is going to write and tell them so because you know they write regularly and we expected a letter from them after the telegram but we have heard nothing. Barry thinks they might be a little scared to write and he could be right, but anyway if that’s the case Mammy intends to remedy it.’