The three SEALs were joined by Cooper. Then Fredo’s brother-in-law, Armando Guzman, showed up in his running clothes. The little squad watched in silence, hoping for an update that never came. Members of a local news crew appeared with their bright lights and cameras. The Team Guys slipped off into the gray early morning San Diego dawn as if they’d never been there in the first place.
Chapter 4
‡
A MONTH PASSED and although the repair and reconstruction to the Center began, Fredo’s anger hadn’t dissipated. Mia had tried to cheer him up, but for the first time in his SEAL career, he was having difficulty controlling his negativity. This was the second attack on the Center. Although the Archdiocese had the buildings insured, it was mostly for liability in case someone got hurt there. As an abandoned school, the improvements hadn’t been updated to the policy. That meant they had to raise money for the rebuilding which could have gone to more computers, more teachers. The loss wasn’t Fredo’s loss, but he took it that way.
Mia had been attentive and careful, which Fredo appreciated. She didn’t attempt to draw him out in a discussion about his feelings, which was a blessing. She just used her feminine powers to distract Fredo. At this, Mia was qualified expert.
But Fredo had his biggest difficulty sleeping at night. At first he thought it was the vivid dream he had, as if he was afraid he’d have another one. His stomach was upset, and although he worked out nearly every day with Coop, he found himself losing weight. He’d always had the opposite problem. He doubled up on the vegetables and green spinach health food drinks, but it still left him restless and unable to properly sleep. He kept the worry to himself.
Fredo continued to take his vitamins, doubling them until his pee was bright yellow and smelled like Kim Chi. He drank from the juice bar daily, adding garlic and more greens to his mixture, learning to tolerate the taste. He even incorporated tofu into his diet, finding some stir-fry dishes he could tolerate. He was proud of the changes he was making. But he wasn’t feeling healthier. Though Mia never complained, he smelled like garlic all the time.
But even with all this, sleep was still a problem for Fredo. He finally resigned himself to the fact that perhaps he needed to talk to Doc Brownlee, the unofficial Team psychiatrist. He made the appointment without Coop knowing, since Brownlee was Coop’s father-in-law.
“Do you wake up in fear you’ll have that dream again, Fredo?” Dr. Brownlee asked him one afternoon.
“I don’t know. I really don’t know. You tell me, Doc.”
Brownlee laughed and crossed his long legs. He placed his fingers to his temple while loosely holding his pen. His handsome face erupted into a sly smile. “I like it when my patients have confidence in me, but that goes beyond what I can do. Just being perfectly honest. So let’s explore deeper. Do I have your permission?”
Fredo wondered if Coop had told the doctor about his visit to the lab. “I do have something I need to tell Mia. I was going to tell her, but then the fire at the school happened, and we’ve been distracted.”
“What do you have to share with Mia?”
“Well, in fact, it does have something to do with my dream. I’m sterile, doc.”
“How do you know this?”
“I got checked out. My sperm are dead. They have dented heads, too.”
Brownlee chuckled and stopped with difficulty. “I’m sorry. Just the way you say that—you’re a funny guy, Fredo.” The doctor reeled himself in quickly.
“Yeah, funny, but my lot in life is to raise someone else’s kids.”
“Fredo, I owe you an apology. Please forgive me for seeming to make light of this. I understand how important it is. That was not appropriate of me.”
Fredo shook his head, not even registering what Dr. Brownlee had said. “Those lazy motherfuckers, lying there, like they’d run into something or had some vampire suck the life out of them.” He snuck a look at Dr. Brownlee who was now nearly covering his whole face. He knew the guy was going to split a gut. It was kind of funny, if it wasn’t so pathetic.
A minute ticked by, neither man watching the other. Fredo decided to be gracious and give Brownlee a chance to compose himself.
“I’ve known people who were raised by adoptive parents who felt very special because of that. They felt they were chosen, not just ‘hatched’ as they say.”
He knew what the doc was trying to do, but Fredo felt defiant. “Doesn’t work for me, Doc.” He didn’t want to go further into some of his fear Mia would find him unworthy. Hell, he felt unworthy of the beautiful woman who made his life complete. He couldn’t imagine life without her.
“So what would it look like if you told her, Fredo, and she didn’t take it the way you fear she might. Tell me what that would look like.”
“I don’t want to tell her.”
“I get that. But if it did go well, how would you tell her, or what would you say?
“Honey, I’m sterile.”
“I admire your honesty. You want to role play that?”
“With you?”
Brownlee smiled but didn’t laugh. “I realize I’m a sorry excuse for your beautiful wife, but humor me. Let’s role play.”
“My sperm are dead, Mia.”
“Does that feel better?”
“No.”
“Then how else would you tell her? Or maybe, why is it important to tell her?”
“Because she asks me for a baby every time we make love, or nearly.”
“So could you bear that, not telling her, and having her ask you all the time? If that was the only price, would that work for you?”
“No.”
“And why not?”
“Because it’s not fair to her. It’s not the truth. I’d be play acting.”
“Again, I admire your honor. That is a most admirable quality, Fredo. Answer me this, then. How would you feel if Mia couldn’t have children and was hiding that fact from you?”
“I wouldn’t care. I’d love her anyway.”
“Don’t you feel maybe she might react the same way? You just said you’d still love her if it were reversed. Why do you think her reaction would be any different?”
“I guess I just don’t want to take a chance.”
“A chance at what, Fredo?”
“A chance that she might find me lacking.”
“So, how would you feel if you found out she wasn’t being honest with you, had hidden this fact from you?”
“I’d feel like shit.”
“Okay, and wouldn’t you prefer knowing the truth, even if the truth wasn’t something you wanted to hear?”
“What if she doesn’t want me anymore? What if she thinks I’m damaged, not good enough for her?”
“Does she ever give you any indication of that? You pick that up from her at all?”
“No.” Fredo’s heart began to melt. He knew the time had come for him to come clean with her. But he still felt it was too soon.
“When you love someone, don’t you love them, flaws and all?”
“But my wife is perfect. She has no flaws.” Then Fredo grinned at the ridiculousness of his situation, meeting Dr. Brownlee’s smile halfway. He actually used to believe this. He knew the doc would make a special note in his little book.
Brownlee was gentle. “I can appreciate a man who thoroughly loves his woman. I have thought the same of my wife for many years. She is perfect. Perfect for me. I couldn’t bear not loving her, flaws and all, which is why I’ll love her forever.”
Fredo looked into his cool bright blue eyes and saw respect. Brownlee was indeed a man who understood his devotion to his wife.
“Don’t you ever doubt yourself, Doc?”
“All the time.”
“So how do you deal with it?”
“I got some great advice in medical school from one of my mentors. He said, ‘If love doesn’t solve the problem, then the cure for it is apply more love.’”
“I don’t think I could ever love her more.”
“Love is trust, Fredo. How can you trust unless you allow someone to let you down, until you give someone the power to disappoint you? And you love them anyway. You honor her by telling her the truth. You give her the power to walk away, truly leave you, if she can’t handle your truth. And in giving her that power, you demonstrate your love.”
“So what you’re saying is that what’s keeping me up at night is that I am holding back.”
“Perhaps that’s part of it, Fredo. Only you will know, and you can’t really know until you try it. Ask yourself this: wouldn’t she love you enough even if she knew you couldn’t father a child? Really?”
Fredo searched his hands laced together in his lap like he was in Sunday School as a boy. “I just don’t want to take that risk, but no, I think she’d love me still.”
“Love is risk. You risk it all when you fall in love. You allow yourself to be irreparably changed by the experience, right? You aren’t forced to love. You allow yourself to love, and be loved. It’s a gift to her, but it’s an even greater gift to yourself.”
THE CONVERSATION WITH Dr. Brownlee made a severe impact on Fredo. He did feel calm and for the next several nights, while he thought about how he’d talk to Mia about his situation, he was even able to sleep without interruption.
Fredo took special care in their lovemaking. The morning and evening sessions with Mia were long and slow, heartfelt and tender like he’d never experienced before. Brownlee was right, more love was the cure for everything that ailed him.
Finally, with their impending deployment coming up in two months, he decided it was time to let her know his secret. As he locked the Center up and said good night to Julio, he decided to stop by and buy Mia some flowers, perhaps take her out to dinner if she wanted.
He called ahead to their favorite Thai restaurant and made a reservation. He picked up red long-stemmed roses at the florist for her. He bought her the perfume she loved and one of her favorite scented candles. He’d light it, and in the glow of the flame, he’d worship her flawless body with all he had. He’d give her everything, even the truth.
Mia was wearing a flowered silk bathrobe tightly tied at her slim waist. Fredo presented her with the roses and she inhaled their scent, closing her eyes and letting the aroma completely overtake her. He didn’t think anyone could look so orgasmic as she did when she got flowers, and wished he made enough to give them to her every day.
She placed the long stems in water and then returned to focus on him. Her long curly hair hung softly around her shoulders and upper back and the familiar flower scent of her shampoo made his heart sing. She cooed as he took her into his arms, sliding under the cool silk to find her hot flesh beneath the robe, parting the sash, peeling the front open so he could gaze on her beautiful breasts.
Her eyes sparkled. Mia licked her lips, generously layered with cherry lip polish. Her eyes were made up alluringly. She’d spent time getting ready for him to come home, and it thrilled him.
“I was going to ask you to go out to dinner,” he said as he kissed her neck, his hand finding its way between her legs. In the warm lips of her folds he found her nub and pinched it. She moaned and wrapped her thigh over his hip.
“Fuck me, Fredo.”
“What about dinner?”
She flashed that wicked wild-child smile he loved and knew so well. “This,” she said as she stepped back and dropped the robe to her feet, “is all you need tonight. I’m only hungry for you.”
Fredo decided one more night of secrets wouldn’t hurt. Tomorrow, he’d tell her the truth. But tonight, he didn’t want to bask in anything but the love of this woman and the miracle that was their life together.
She pulled his hand, walking backward, naked, giving him a granite boner, almost making movement painful. Her head turned from one side to the other, as she showed her nakedness to him unashamed, her eyes calling to him.
“Where’s Ricardo?” He realized Ricardo wasn’t around.
“He’s with Coop and Libby and the kids. All night. I told Libby it was a special night.”
“A special night?”
She nodded. “Come here, Fredo.” She continued to lead him backwards to their bedroom.
The bedspread was covered in rose petals. She had candles lit at the head of the bed, and the light Spanish guitar music he loved was playing softly. A chilled bottle of champagne was in a bucket at the foot of the bed.
“You did make special plans. I must have known somehow, sweet Mia.”
She nodded. “Come here, Fredo. Have some champagne and then you make love to me all night long. Can you do that?”
Of course he could. Of that he was totally confident. He expected she’d say something about making babies, but was so grateful she said nothing.
The cork was popped, the glasses poured. He drizzled some down her front and lapped the sweet mixture from her chest, sucking her pert nipples. She took a tiny sip, then placed her glass on the bedside table.
“What’s the special occasion?” he asked.
“Us.” She undressed him, her fingers delicately cupping him, tracing long hot lines down his chest, down one thigh.
“I like us,” he said, having difficulty breathing as she took him into her mouth. In a few swift strokes he was long and hard and aching to be inside her.
“Fredo, my love. I have wonderful news.” She got to her feet, placing his palms on her breasts then bringing one down to her belly slowly. “You have done it. Inside this belly grows your child, Fredo. You have given me a baby. Our baby, my love.”
Chapter 5
‡
FREDO STARED BLINDLY at the sunlight streaming through the front window at Gunny’s gym. He’d agreed to meet Coop later on for their regular PT workout, but he got impatient waiting the whole hour for his best friend, so he sat in his truck until Timmons opened the storefront.
Now he was seated on the padded bench, a twenty pound barbell in his left paw, resting between his curl reps.
The sun felt good splashing on his knees, warming his calves and upper thighs. Later in the day, they’d lower the blinds, but it was not necessary yet. He watched a young couple jog past the window, their lithe and upright bodies in perfect tandem with each other. Her blonde ponytail whisked back and forth, sweeping the top of her warm-up collar. His torso was fit, with a slim waist, and muscled arms, a square jaw covering up all emotion as he kept perfect step with her. They wore matching sunglasses.
Fredo’s youth and early courtship and married life had nothing in common with this couple. Mia had spent their first few encounters nearly spitting on him as he longed for her day and night, certain that one day he could satisfy her. And, until last night, he thought he’d done a pretty good job of it, with one exception. Now there was a second exception looming as big as one of those cruise ships that docked at San Diego harbor.
She’d danced around the room, holding her belly, ecstatic that she’d finally gotten the news. He now realized, as he continued with his left arm curls, that it was perhaps the most important thing in her life. It suddenly all made sense. She’d been strangely quiet on the subject of getting pregnant the past couple of days.
When she’d told him, he nearly dropped his champagne glass on the bedroom carpet. His guts dropped to his knees. In that hollow space between his ribs he inhaled, sadness deflated his heart, now knowing she was unfaithful to him. This bitter fact cut him deeper than anything else he’d ever experienced. His once perfect love was now tarnished. What was he to do now?
Just to be sure, he’d even had the test re-done a week after his first results. The technician had given him the old thumbs up with the bitter comment, “So, my man, you got no worries. You can love all those ladies and never have to worry about a damned thing, if you take the normal precautions, of course.”
The pimple-faced kid sporting peach-fuzz cheeks slipped off his latex gloves one finger at a time, a ritual he probably exercised a hundred times a day. The little specimen glass plate, containing the evi
dence of Fredo’s failure as a true man, was tossed unceremoniously into the trash after the gloves.
That’s where Fredo’s happy spirit lay too. In the trash.
He wasn’t sure he was good company, so told Mia he had to be gone for a few days of training, which was a complete fabrication just to give himself some space. He wasn’t sure where he was going to go. Maybe he’d go down to the Center and work quietly. Maybe he’d go down to the Diocese office and beg for more donations by phone, since all their lists were there.
He didn’t want to look up any of the married Team guys, and the single ones he found nothing in common with. He was going to let this one good and fester. He wasn’t sure he’d ever recover from the effects of her betrayal. His shock was so great he couldn’t even talk to her, couldn’t look at her. He certainly wasn’t going to reveal his paternity issue. He was sleepwalking, pretending, doing all the things he told the doc he wouldn’t do. He just didn’t know what else he could do.
He considered going up to Sonoma County for a couple of days, but that would raise too many eyebrows. Word would get out to the Team, and then the wives would find out, and soon Mia would get that “concerned” call from someone and he’d have to explain himself.
It was the first time in all his years of loving Mia that he really didn’t want to go home. What made it so much worse was the fact that she was so excited and happy, flitting around the house, scantily clad, and not looking pregnant at all. He’d even had difficulty staying hard last night when she crouched over him, rode him in that beautiful way she had with him, trying to shower her love all over him. Every time he snuck a peek at her, his eyes watered. His heart felt like it had a fishhook in it, maybe two, pulling the two halves apart.
If she noticed anything, she didn’t say so. She told Ricardo the news first thing that morning. The boy’s big eyes were glued to Fredo’s face as if getting direction on how to act. Mia was all over him, kneeling down, tying his shoes and combing his dark stubborn hair. Her motherly fussing annoyed Ricardo, especially when she covered his face with kisses, which she was famous for.
Fredo's Dream: SEAL Brotherhood: Fredo Page 4