Happy Birthday, Wanda June

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Happy Birthday, Wanda June Page 7

by Kurt Vonnegut


  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  LOOSELEAF

  I guess. You're lucky you don't have any old people around here. HAROLD

  She was about to get married again. She locked me out of the bedroom last night. LOOSELEAF starts to laugh. HAROLD shuts him up.

  HAROLD

  What's funny about that? LOOSELEAF

  (apologetically) You know me, boy.

  PENELOPE enters from the kitchen with a question on her lips.

  HAROLD

  I should have torn that door off its hinges. Should have scrogged her ears off. Should have broken the bed. (seeing PENELOPE)

  What do you want?

  (words fail her)

  Well?

  PENELOPE

  I--I was wondering--is there anything you shouldn't eat--because of jungle fever?

  HAROLD

  I could eat a raw baby crocodile. (turning to LOOSELEAF crassly) The way to get your wife back is in bed. Do such a job on her that she'll be lucky if she can crawl around on all fours. (to PENELOPE)

  We're starving. Do you mind? file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (90 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  PENELOPE exits dumbly, detesting the word "scrog," which she has never heard before.

  HAROLD

  She had two lovers, by the way. LOOSELEAF starts to laugh again, stops the laugh as HAROLD glowers. LOOSELEAF

  Excuse me.

  HAROLD

  One of them is the doctor, whose weapons are compassion, unselfishness, peacefulness-maudlin concern.

  LOOSELEAF

  Huh. HAROLD

  He and his love are like a retiarius. Do you know what a retiarius is?

  LOOSELEAF

  He's a kind of gladiator who fights with a knife and a net and doesn't wear anything but a jockstrap. HAROLD

  (amazed) How do you know that?

  LOOSELEAF

  You told me. HAROLD

  When? LOOSELEAF

  When we were up in the tree so long--with the bats.

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  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  HAROLD

  Oh. I'd forgotten. LOOSELEAF

  Fourteen times you told me. I counted. HAROLD

  Really?

  LOOSELEAF

  You'd get this funny look in your eyes, and I'd say to myself, "Oh, Jesus--he's going to tell me what a retiarius is again." HAROLD

  (acknowledging a flaw in a manly way) Sorry.

  PENELOPE enters, is about to speak. HAROLD stops her with a raised finger.

  HAROLD

  Let me guess--breakfast is served?

  PENELOPE

  No. HAROLD

  What then?

  PENELOPE

  I do not wish to be scrogged--ever. I never heard that word, but when I heard it, I knew it was one thing I never wanted to have happen to me. HAROLD

  That's what you're supposed to say. PENELOPE

  This is not a coy deception. I do not want to be scrogged. I want file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (92 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  love. I want tenderness.

  HAROLD

  You don't know you want. That's the way God built you! PENELOPE

  I will not be scrogged. I remember one time I saw you wrench a hook from the throat of a fish with a pair of pliers, and you promised me that the fish couldn't feel. HAROLD

  It couldn't! PENELOPE

  I'd like to have the expert opinion of the fish--along with yours. HAROLD

  (shaking his head) Fish can't feel. PENELOPE

  Well, I can. Some injuries, spiritual or physical, can be excruciating to me. I'm not a silly carhop any more. (an unexpected, minor insight) Maybe you're right about fish. When I was a carhop, I didn't feel much more than a fish would. But I've been sensitized. I have ideas now--and solid information. I know a lot more now--and a lot of it has to do with you.

  HAROLD

  (sensing danger) Such as?...

  PENELOPE

  The whole concept of heroism--and file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (93 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  its sexual roots.

  HAROLD

  Tell me about its sexual roots. PENELOPE

  It's complicated and I don't want to go into it now, because it's bound to sound insulting--even though nobody means for anybody to be insulted. It's just the truth. HAROLD

  I like the truth. I wouldn't be alive today if I weren't one of the biggest fans truth ever had. PENELOPE

  Well--part of it is that heroes basically hate home and never stay there very long, and make awful messes while they're there. HAROLD

  Go on. PENELOPE

  (blurting)

  And they have very mixed feelings about women. They hate them in a way. One reason they like war so much is that they can capture enemy women and not have to make love to them slowly and gently. They can scrog them, as you say-(pause) for revenge.

  HAROLD

  You learned this in some college course? PENELOPE

  I learned a lot of things in file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (94 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  college. Actually--it was Norbert who told me that.

  HAROLD

  (darkly) The doctor.

  PENELOPE

  Yes. HAROLD

  And what is his most cherished possession?

  PENELOPE

  (not sensing the drift of the conversation) His most cherished possession? His violin, I guess.

  HAROLD

  And he keeps it in his apartment? PENELOPE

  (still at sea) Yes.

  HAROLD

  And no one's there now?

  PENELOPE

  I don't think so. HAROLD

  That's too bad. I would rather have him at home--to see what I'm going to do. PENELOPE

  (suddenly catching on, sick with fear) What are you going to do? HAROLD

  He did his best to destroy my most file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (95 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  precious possession, which is the high opinion women have of me. I'm now going to even that score. I'm going to break in his door and I'm going to smash his violin.

  PENELOPE

  No you're not! HAROLD

  Why not? PENELOPE

  Because if you do--I'll leave you. HAROLD

  (promptly and emotionlessly) Goodbye. Blackout.

  SCENE TWO

  SPOTLIGHT comes up on VON KONIGSWALD and WANDA JUNE, dressed as before. They have become close friends.

  WANDA JUNE

  We have this new club up here in Heaven. VON KONIGSWALD

  Yes, we do. WANDA JUNE

  We only have two members so far, but it's growing all the time. VON KONIGSWALD

  We have enough for a shuffleboard team. In Heaven, shuffleboard is everything. Hitler plays shuffleboard. WANDA JUNE

  Albert Einstein plays shuffleboard. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (96 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  VON KONIGSWALD

  Mozart plays shuffleboard. WANDA JUNE

  Lewis Carroll, who wrote Alice in Wonderland, plays shuffleboard. VON KONIGSWALD

  Jack the Ripper plays shuffleboard. WANDA JUNE

  Walt Disney, who gave us Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, plays shuffleboard. Jesus Christ plays shuffleboard. VON KONIGSWALD

  It was almost worth the trip--to find out that Jesus Christ in Heaven was just another guy, playing shuffleboard. I like his sense of humor, though--you know
? He's got a blue-and-gold warm-up jacket he wears. You know what it says on the back? "Pontius Pilate Athletic Club." Most people don't get it. Most people think there really is a Pontius Pilate Athletic Club. WANDA JUNE

  We're going to have jackets, aren't we? VON KONIGSWALD

  You bet! "The Harold Ryan Fan Club." Pink, eh? With a yellow streak up the back. (both laugh)

  We got very good tailor shops up here. They'll make you any kind of uniform, any kind of sweatsuit you want. Judas Iscariot--he's got this black jacket with a skull and file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (97 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

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  crossbones over the heart. He walks around all hunched over, and he never looks anybody in the eye, and written on the back of his jacket are the words, "Go take a flying-WANDA JUNE punches him in the ribs.

  VON KONIGSWALD

  leap at the moon." MILDRED, HAROLD's third wife, enters. She is voluptuous, blowzy, tough--about forty-five. She has trouble with alcohol. VON KONIGSWALD is expecting her.

  VON KONIGSWALD

  Aha! Hello! You're Mildred, right? MILDRED

  I heard you were looking for me. VON KONIGSWALD

  You were Harold Ryan's third wife. Right? MILDRED

  Yes.

  VON KONIGSWALD

  You want to join the Harold Ryan Fan Club? Wear a pink jacket with a yellow streak up the back? MILDRED

  Do I have to? Who's the little girl? WANDA JUNE

  Mr. Ryan just borrowed my birthday cake. I don't really know him. MILDRED

  Thought you were another wife, maybe. WANDA JUNE

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  I'm only ten years old.

  MILDRED

  That's what he wanted--a ten-year old wife. He'd come home from a war or a safari, and he'd wind up talking to the little kids. WANDA JUNE

  Won't you please join our club? Please? MILDRED

  Honey--Alcoholics Anonymous takes all the time I've got--and Harold Ryan is an individual I would rather forget. He drove me to drink. He drove his first two wives to drink.

  VON KONIGSWALD

  Because he was cruel? MILDRED

  (covering WANDA JUNE's little ears) Premature ejaculation.

  VON KONIGSWALD

  Ach soooooooooo. MILDRED

  No grown woman is a fan of premature ejaculation. Harold would come home trumpeting and roaring. He would the kick the furniture with his boots, spit into corners and the fireplace. He would make me presents of stuffed fish and helmets with holes in them. He would tell me that he had now earned the reward that only a woman could give him, and he'd tear off my clothes. He would carry me into the bedroom, telling me to scream file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (99 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  and kick my feet. That was very important to him. I did it. I tried to be a good wife. He told me to imagine a herd of stampeding water buffalo. I couldn't do that, but I pretended I did. It was all over--ten seconds after he'd said the word "buffalo." Then he'd zip up his pants, and go outside, and tell true war stories to the little kids. Any little kids.

  VON KONIGSWALD

  That is sad. MILDRED

  (blankly) Is it?

  (pause)

  I have this theory about why men kill each other and break things.

  VON KONIGSWALD

  Ja? MILDRED

  Never mind. It's a dumb theory. I was going to say it was all sexual..but everything is sexual...but alcohol.

  (making peace sign) Peace.

  VON KONIGSWALD WANDA JUNE

  (making peace sign) (making peace sign) Peace. Peace. Blackout. SCENE THREE

  SILENCE. Darkness.

  WOODY WOODPECKER VOICE

  Ha ha ha ha ha! file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (100 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  (pistol shot)

  You got me, pal.

  Silence. A baby cries. Silence. The lights come up.

  LOOSELEAF

  Go to the funeral? HAROLD

  Of course! Not only go to it but go to it in full uniform! Rent a uniform! LOOSELEAF

  That's against the law, isn't it? I can't wear a uniform anymore. HAROLD

  Wear your uniform and every decoration, and let them despise you, if they dare. LOOSELEAF

  Alice would be absolutely tear-ass. HAROLD

  When I was a naive young recruit in Spain, I used to wonder why soldiers bayoneted oil paintings, shot the noses off of statues and defecated into grand pianos. I now understand: It was to teach civilians the deepest sort of respect for men in uniform-uncontrollable fear. (raises his glass) To our women. LOOSELEAF

  I didn't know we had any women left. HAROLD

  The world is teeming with women-ours to enjoy. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (101 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  LOOSELEAF

  Every time I start thinking like that I get the clap. Lion doorbell roars.

  HAROLD

  (going to the door) This could be my next wife. He admits HERB SHUTTLE, who carries a bouquet of roses.

  SHUTTLE

  (puzzled by HAROLD) Hello. HAROLD

  How are you, honeybunch?

  SHUTTLE

  Is Penelope in? HAROLD

  The posies are for her? SHUTTLE

  I wanted to apologize. HAROLD

  You've come to the right man. SHUTTLE

  I forgot my vacuum cleaner. HAROLD

  I forget mine for years on end. SHUTTLE

  (suddenly realizing who HAROLD is) Oh my God-(pause; points) And you are Looseleaf Harper.

  LOOSELEAF

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  Hi.

  SHUTTLE faints.

  HAROLD

  (crowing)

  It's what I've dreamed of all my life, Looseleaf! To have a grown man realize who I was--and faint!

  (to audience)

  End of Act Two.

  Blackout.

  ACT THREE

  SCENE ONE

  MILDRED enters drunkenly up aisle, sits precariously on apron of stage and speaks to audience.

  MILDRED

  Two days later. The afternoon of the day of Looseleaf Harper's mother-in-law's funeral. You got it? Two days later. (pause)

  You know what happened in Heaven today? There was a tornado. I'm not kidding you--there was a Goddamn tornado. Tore up fifty-six houses, a dance pavilion and a Ferris wheel. Drove a shuffleboard stick clear through a telephone pole. Nobody got killed. Nobody ever gets killed. They just bounce around a lot. Then they get up-and start playing shuffleboard. (pause)

  I never saw a tornado when I was alive, and I grew up in Oklahoma. There's this big, black, funnel shaped cloud. Sounds like a railroad train without the whistle. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (103 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  I had to come to Heaven to see a thing like that. A lot of people got photographs.

  (pause)

  After the tornado was over, a man had some film left and he wanted to take pictures of me--to use up the roll. I don't like people who go around taking pictures of everything. Nothing's real to some people unless they've got photographs. (pause)

  Two days later--right?

  She exits clumsily, the way she came. Silence. Lights come up on the living room, which has become a pigpen. LOOSELEAF, HAROLD, SHUTTLE and PAUL sit around a dinner of nearly raw beefsteak set on the coffee table. LOOSELEAF wears an illfitting uniform,
which he has rented.

  LOOSELEAF

  I told you the uniform wouldn't help. HAROLD

  It helped more than you know. Down deep, people were deeply affected. LOOSELEAF

 

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