“I will speak to her Mother. Tomorrow. I don’t think she wants to speak to me tonight. Will that suffice?”
“It will have to, won’t it? If you don’t talk to her, I will talk to you again tomorrow, and don’t think I won’t”, and she flounced out of my room.
I shut and barred the door, not wanting to deal with anyone else. I wondered what mother would tell Father, or Donald. Donald would be angry with me, I was sure. He, like everyone else who had met Mary, was entranced by her. I stripped off my clothes, intending to go straight to bed, and stilled as I looked down at myself as I removed my hose. There was a smear of blood on my shaft. I sank down on the bed, groaning, how could I have hurt Mary so?
In the morning, I could not see Mary anywhere, so I took to the lists with a vengeance, needing to burn off some energy. Afterward, I finally found her where I should have looked for her in the first place – the herb garden. I approached, and was shocked at her appearance. She looked like she had hardly slept at all, and looked miserable.
“Mary, I am so sorry. I would never have done that had I known ye were a virgin”.
Mary looked at me angrily. She stood up and poked me in the chest.
“What difference should that make? I am the same person aren’t I?”
I looked down at her finger, wanting to wrap my hand around it and hold it to my chest, but knowing that she would not appreciate it if I touched her now.
“I don’t mean that. Ye are dear to me, whether ye have been with a man or not, but I would have been more gentle had I known ye had never had a man there before. I fear I hurt ye, I could have taken more time if I had known, that’s all”.
Mary withdrew her finger and sat down, staring at nothing. I sat beside her and very gently, took her tiny hand in mine.
“Mary, I think we should get married. I have done ye a wrong and would make it right”.
Mary stood up and placed herself in front of me, seeming to have difficulty getting some words out. Without warning, she pulled back her arm and slapped me across the face. I stood up angrily and grabbed her arm, pinning it behind her back and towering over her. She stared up at me, breasts heaving, and I am not ashamed to say that my body began reacting to her nearness.
“I’m not marrying you! You don’t even love me! You just feel like you should because you found out something about me you didn’t expect! Let me go now!”
I let go of her in shock and she stomped away. Would I ever understand women? I sat in the garden for a while, wondering what to do now. I had really messed up. I should have asked her to marry me before, but I hadn’t, and now she thought I only wanted to marry her because I had taken her virginity. I sat in the garden, wondering why I wanted to marry her, then realised that I had been absently rubbing my chest, where Mary’s finger had been poking. It all became clear then. I wanted to marry Mary because I loved her. I thought back and realised that I had fallen in love with her on the journey here, which was why I had been so upset when I thought she was in love with D’arcy.
I now had a very real problem. I could not force Mary to marry me, but I really wanted to drag her before the priest and make her say the vows. I knew she would never forgive me for that though. She had been forced to marry once, as a child, and had been threatened with another forced marriage, as a widow, and she seemed to have settled in and felt safe here. All I could do was wait.
Unfortunately, that would not suffice for my parents. Mother had told Father that she had caught me coming out of Mary’s room, and Father was also angry. I told them both that Mary had refused to marry me.
“Well ye didn’t ask her right then”, said Mother angrily. “Ye stupid fool. Ye are supposed to get married before ye take the woman to bed. Not after. Do ye want me to talk to her?”
I stared at her horrified.
“No, Mother. I do not want ye to speak to Mary. She doesn’t even know that ye know, she would be embarrassed if she did. Give me some time to convince her”.
At dinner that evening, Mary again tried to avoid me, but some deft manoeuvring by Mother had her sitting next to me. I tried to make small talk with her, and finally gave up. I saw Donald looking questioningly over at me over the rim of his cup, and almost imperceptibly shook my head. Now was not the time. After dinner, Mary disappeared, and I went for a walk by myself, knowing that Donald would seek me out. I did not have to wait long. I drew him aside where we could speak privately.
“Liam, something has happened. Ye are behaving strangely, Mary looks angry, and Mother and Father are looking fit to kill ye. Tell me what has happened. Has something happened to Mary?”
So, without going into great detail, I told him that I had been in Mary’s room, that Mother had caught me there, and that Mary refused to marry me. To my consternation, Donald threw back his head and laughed.
“Well, I have to admit that I’m surprised it took ye so long. Ye could not keep yer hands off the woman when she was riding with ye. So why won’t she marry ye? Did ye not love her properly? Do ye want a real man to show ye how it should be done?”
I turned to Donald angrily, only to see him smiling at me. He leaned forward and clapped me on the shoulder.
“Never fear, brother. I have seen yer interest from the first day, and I would not try to bed a woman ye clearly have feelings for. Plus I think Mother would tear me limb from limb if I did”.
“Ye think so, do ye? Mother suggested that one of us marry Mary, and that maybe ye should be the one to do so”.
“Did she really? Are ye sure she meant it, and wasn’t just teasing ye, to see how ye would react? No-one who knows ye could have missed yer interest in Mary. Ye know the gossip is that she is the reason for yer fight with D’arcy. Since neither of ye won, everyone was wondering who would win the prize. I knew when he left without her who it would be. Ye just have to give her time, Liam. If ye push her, she will not thank ye”.
I looked at my brother in surprise. I never would have thought to get such sage advice from him. I also hadn’t realised how obvious I had been, how everyone knew of my interest in Mary. Everyone except the lady herself of course.
Mary.
I lay in my bed that evening, still feeling a twinge of pain between my legs, but wondering what it would have been like if Liam had not withdrawn so suddenly. Would I still be sore? Would I even care? Before he had entered me, he had touched me most wonderfully, and I had wanted him to continue. When he moved over me, I was a little worried, as I saw the size of his shaft, but I still had a need to know what it would feel like and I had tried to encourage him. Once again, that old feeling came to the forefront of my mind. It was me. There was something wrong with me. My father had never loved me, and had got rid of me as soon as he could, my husband could not make love to me, and even D’arcy was shocked at the thought of laying with me. I knew deep in my heart that my husband had loved another, but the memory of that time I had seen them together came to me unbidden. His shaft had been huge too, yet it had never reacted like that to my presence, only apparently to D’arcy. D’arcy I knew had lain with women, yet had never shown any interest in me, even when I began to look more like a woman and less like a girl. I had hoped that Liam thought differently of me, but he had no sooner got inside me than he had to get out, and he had run away. To my mind, all I could think was that I was unloveable. Edmund and D’arcy were the closest I had ever been to having someone love me, and even then it was only as a friend.
I turned over angrily. If Liam was so repulsed by my body, why did he want to marry me? He could not want to spend any time in my bed, or he would have stayed there with me yesterday, and completed the act. I had learned enough over the years to know that one thrust was not what the act was all about, it went on for much longer than that, and culminated when a man spilled his seed, and went limp afterwards. I knew that Liam had not done that, as his shaft had still been fully erect when he had stood over me, and I had not felt anything between my legs, except for the blood of course. I had cleaned the sheets a
fterwards myself, remembering that time over ten years ago when Edmund had cut himself and dripped the blood on the sheets. How prophetic he had been, it had really happened, thankfully no-one had witnessed the state of the bed linens this time, as it would have been difficult to explain.
The only conclusion I could come to, was that Liam felt obligated to marry me, because I was no longer a virgin. He obviously had not reasoned this through, as no-one would expect me to be a virgin, as I had been a married woman, so a future husband would not be disappointed. When I thought about marrying someone else, a stranger, I rolled over in my bed, burying my face in my pillow and crying. I had spent so many years in a marriage that was not a marriage, I could not do that again. I wanted a real husband, one who desired me, one who would hold me in his arms at night after we had made love, one who would welcome the babies we made as evidence of our love. I wanted that man to be Liam, but it could not be. If we were married, he would either refuse to bed me, as Edmund had done, or would do so out of duty, as he had done with Rose, and I could not bear that. I could not imagine being so intimate with him, knowing that he did not really want me.
Eventually I fell asleep, worn out from my tears, and overslept the next morning. I was not upset to have done so, as the men would have left the house for the day before I appeared. As I bustled through my tasks in the garden, I could hear the distant clang of swords, and knew that the men were practicing. For the time being, I would not have to see Liam. I stood, putting a hand in the small of my back as I stretched, and wondered what I would do now. I could not stay here, I could not see Liam every day but refuse to talk to him, it was not practical. Patrice had refused to allow me to move to a cottage, insisting that I stay with the family, but I would have to speak to her again. I could not see Liam every day, at meals and as we passed in the halls, knowing what had passed between us, and that it should not have. I heard a voice behind me, and whirled, surprised. It was Donald.
“Have ye got everything ye need there, Mary? I often went out to gather wild plants for Bridget, but she has not asked me for some time, so I do not know if she has enough laid by”.
I looked around me, seeing what was growing, and remembering what Bridget had in her stores. I could not think of anything that she needed, and said so.
“Well, it is a fine day for riding, if ye feel up to it, I will take ye to the fields where I used to go, and ye can see for yerself what grows there”.
I thought about it for a moment, and then thought about how I felt between my legs. The tenderness had lessened, and I thought that I would be able to sit a horse. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that it would be good to get away for a while. Somewhere out in the fresh air, away from Liam, would be wonderful.
While I changed my clothing into something more durable, and gathered some scissors and some pouches in case I saw something useful, Donald readied the horses. We rode out slowly, chatting about his people, and about what we saw around us. After we had ridden for a while, Donald slowed his horse and turned to me questioningly.
“Do ye regret not leaving with D’arcy? I understand that ye did not want to be near his father, and I understand why, but did ye ever think of marrying D’arcy? If ye were married, even his father would have to respect yer Holy vows, and ye could do a lot worse than D’arcy for a husband”.
I looked at Donald, wondering why he was so interested now.
“No, I don’t regret leaving with D’arcy. I miss him of course, but this was something he had to do alone. I have no interest in going back to that life, now or ever. Besides”, I said as I snorted, “D’arcy would not want to marry me”.
Donald caught my reins, forcing me to turn and look at him.
“Why not? Yer a bonny lass Mary, ye would make any man a fine wife. I know that ye say that there was nothing between ye and D’arcy, but with the depth of yer friendship, ye could have built on that and made a good marriage. Lots of people have less”.
I tugged the reins free and continued onwards. I would not tell D’arcy’s secret to anyone, it was not mine to tell. I also did not want to talk about how I felt about myself, so did not know how to answer Donald’s question. I decided to change the subject, and to ask if Donald knew the answer to a question that had been vexing me.
“What was the fight between Liam and D’arcy really about? I know what he told your parents, but no-one could really believe that. Do you know why they were fighting?”
Donald stopped his horse again, and nodded towards a group of trees a short distance away.
“Perhaps ye should ask him. Sorry, Mary, but I think the two of ye knuckleheads should talk”.
Before I could react, Donald leaned over and smacked the rump of my horse hard, so that she reared and started galloping towards the man sitting under the trees. Donald had brought me to see Liam.
As I approached Liam, he swung up into his saddle and matched his mount’s pace to mine, reaching over to grab the reins and slow the beast from her run. When the two horses were finally stilled, he reached over and pulled me onto his horse, hugging me tight.
“What did that fool think he was doing? Ye could have been thrown. I will have his hide for that”.
Liam slid down off his horse, taking me with him. He walked me over to sit on a patch of grass under some more trees, then returned to the horses, speaking gently to my mount, before tethering them near a patch of sweet green grass. He returned to me, standing over me and looking at me for a while before realising that I was still shaking, and sinking to his knees to pull me up to mine and hug me so tight that I could barely breathe.
“Are ye all right yet Mary? What are ye doing out here so far from the keep?”
“Donald told me that he gathered plants here for Bridget, and offered to show them to me”.
“Donald is a terrible liar, and what is worse is that ye believed him. I told him I was coming out here to be alone, and he brought ye to me, probably hoping that we would talk”.
I pulled away from him and struggled to my feet. Liam stood as well, and I had to crane my neck to look up at him, so I shifted so that I was standing on the roots of the trees, and our heights were a little more equal. Liam smiled as he indulged me in this little fancy, shifting around so that I could almost look him in the eyes without lifting my head.
“I don’t know what we could have to talk about, Liam. I think we have said and done everything already”.
Liam reached up to play with a tendril of hair that had escaped from my braid during my flight, and curled it around his finger.
“Why would ye say that Mary? There is a lot more we could say and do, especially with you looking as you do now”.
I looked down at myself, unsure what he was talking about. My clothing was not torn, I could not see anything unusual about myself. I looked up at Liam, only to see him looking down at my breasts. I was breathing a little heavier than normal, and I suppose they were heaving a little. My eyes narrowed suspiciously, and Liam had the grace to look embarrassed as he realised I had seen where he was looking.
“I apologise Mary, but I was just thinking of how beautiful ye are, especially when ye are not wearing a stitch. I have not been able to stop thinking about ye like that for two days”.
I laughed out loud.
“You lie. You are only trying to trick me into marrying you because you feel guilty that you were the first man that I have been with. You don’t have to lie to me, and you don’t have to offer marriage to me, I won’t tell anyone”. As Liam looked at me quizzically, I continued, my voice breaking at the last.
“How could I tell anyone that you find me so unattractive that you would not even….”
“What Mary, I would not even what?”
I twisted my hands together. I did not want to speak of this, but I wanted to clear the air between us so that Liam would stop pestering me for a marriage he did not want.
“You would not even finish making love to me! You found me so unattractive that you jumped out
of my bed and ran away”.
I turned my back on him, trying to get my emotions under control. I determined that I would not break down in front of him. I felt his hands on my shoulders, as he gently turned me around to face him.
“Oh, Mary, is that what ye think? Is that why ye have been so angry with me, with yerself? Ye could not be further from the truth. I have always thought ye beautiful, I have always wanted ye. Did ye not know on our trip from England? Yer beautiful bottom was pressed up against me so often, that I thought ye must have felt how hard I was for ye. I could have put ye back on yer own horse as soon as I knew ye were not going to run, but I did not want to”.
Now I really was confused. I had felt something sometimes, but hadn’t realised it had been more than a reaction by a male to a female. I opened and closed my mouth, trying to work out what words to say, but nothing seemed to make sense.
“Then, why? Why did you run away from me? If you wanted to make love to me, and you were, why did you stop so suddenly?”
Liam pulled me down onto the grass, sitting down and sitting me on his lap, I was sitting sideways and turned my head to look at him.
“Remember what I told ye about Rose, about how she died? I could not bear it if something like that happened to ye. When I thought ye could not have children, I was so happy, because I thought ye would never be at risk from me, but when I found that ye had never lain with yer own husband, I realised that ye were not safe. I do not want to get ye with child, Mary, only to see ye die trying to birth it”.
I stared at him in surprise.
“So, that’s the only reason you left? Because you’re scared of me dying in childbirth? Liam, did you ever talk to Bridget about Rose? Did you know that she wasn’t well for a long time before her confinement, but that she wouldn’t ask Bridget for help because she thought Bridget was a witch? Bridget could have helped her, could have slowed down the bleeding, but she was not allowed to. I can’t guarantee that I won’t have trouble having a baby, but I am not Rose. Plenty of women have babies and survive, your own mother for example, she has had five births, and has four children living, you and Donald are giants, and Ian and Stewart look like they will be when they finish growing too. Your mother isn’t a big woman, but she had you all and survived. There’s no reason to expect me to have trouble, maybe I will, maybe I won’t and instead will be like your mother and have lots of babies. Why didn’t you tell me any of your worries before? We could have talked about this, and saved all that pain”.
Taken by a Highland Raider Page 11