I was being strong until he did that. I lose it. Tears roll down my face. What is this story? Do I even want to know? I hope my heart isn’t about to be gutted again. That familiar pain of rejection is stabbing me. I can’t go through another heartbreak.
“Kane, please tell me now, I don’t want to wait until the hotel. Please.”
“Shhh, come on, let’s get you in the car.” Kane nudges me toward his car. “It’s going to be a long night, honey, and you’re going to want to be some place where you can get it all out of your system.”
I follow along because I don’t know what else to do. Clay left me stranded. At least Kane wants to help.
Clay
I see the fucking cunt come into GG’s and I lose my mind. She lied to me. She lied to me, and I’m going to find out why. I leave the table without a word. When I reach Megan, her face turns white. I grab her elbow, “What the fuck, Megan?” I push her through the door, hoping Lizzie hasn’t noticed her.
“Uh, Clay… I can…” Megan stutters.
“You can what, Megan? You can tell me why the fuck you’re pregnant when you told me you had an abortion? When I begged you not to kill our baby? You can tell me why you lied? What can you do, Megan? Tell me!” I’m livid. I’ve pulled her all the way to my truck. I open the door and help her and her nine-month pregnant belly inside. “Don’t fucking lie to me either. I want the truth, Megan. I think you owe me that.” I shout at her before I slam the door.
“Clay, please calm down. Let’s go to my apartment and I’ll explain everything.” She says while she buckles her seat belt. She moves the bottom belt off her extended belly.
“You’re damn right you’re going to explain everything to me. I’m not fucking leaving until you have my baby.” I hit the steering wheel with the palm of my hand. I glare at her in disgust. I can’t fucking believe she lied to me. The fucking cunt whore lied to me. I was ready to marry her and raise a child with her. Fucking. Cunt. Whore.
Megan lets us in her apartment, “Can I get you something to drink, Clay?”
Looking around, I see nothing has changed. Her place is still the small artfully decorated studio apartment we spent many hours in making love. “Drop the small talk act, Megan, and give it to me straight. Don’t leave out any details.” I pace, glaring at her, with my hands clasped behind my head. I’m beyond pissed. I was pissed when she told me she was having an abortion and now I’m in a psychotic rage because she’s still pregnant. I’m still going to be a father. She betrayed me by keeping silent. What I can’t figure out is why she betrayed me. Why would she want to hurt me like this? What did I do to her, for her to think it’s necessary to keep my child from me? Or is she just a bitch?
Megan cries and tells me a sad sob story. I don’t know if I should believe her or not. I can’t trust a word she says now. She says she was in the parking lot at the clinic and having a hard time making herself go inside. She had been going back and forth with the decision. Her aunt went with her to offer moral support and because she was going to need someone to drive her home afterward.
“Jenie was with me, Clay. You know how long they have been trying to have a baby. It was selfish of me to ask her to go Clay, but I didn’t have anyone else.” Megan sniffles.
“Bullshit, Megan. That’s complete bullshit and you know it. I would have been there.” My finger is in her face. I know I’m probably scaring her. That I need to back off, but my temper is getting the best of me. “Do you know what hell, thinking you had an abortion, put me through? Then my parents died. I’ve had a miserable nine months of grief, over losing my child and then my parents.”
“Clay, you said you wouldn’t go with me to get the abortion. That if I was going to go through with ‘killing’ our unborn child you were done with me.”
She has that black shit running down her face. Women crying get on my last damn nerve. I hate Megan right now, physically hate her. I can’t bring myself to care an ounce for her, but she is carrying my child. I’m still pacing.
“So you decided to keep my child and not tell me. That’s fucked up, Megan, really fucked up.” I sit in the armchair, put my elbows on my knees, and hang my head. “Did you think I didn’t deserve to know? To be in its life?”
“It’s a he, not an it, Clay. He’s a boy, but I’m not keeping him.” Megan gets up and walks to the window.
“What did you just say? Excuse me? What do you mean you’re not keeping him?” I walk over to her and turn her to face me.
“Like I said, when I went in the little room at the clinic, Jenie was with me. They made me listen to the heartbeat. It sounded like a horse galloping, and it tore me up, Clay. I reached for Jenie’s hand…” Megan is bawling uncontrollably, “Jenie had slid down in the corner with her face in her hands, Clay. I couldn’t go through with… I couldn’t end our… I’m giving the baby to her and Marcus to raise. I can be a part of his life, but not have to be responsible for him.” Megan lets out a long exhale.
“Jenie’s your aunt, I get that, but where does that leave me, Megan? I’m the father. Don’t I have some rights? When I saw that family lawyer, he said I couldn’t do anything about you having an abortion. How about the adoption, Megan? Shouldn’t I at least have the option of custody before you just give him away?” How can she do this to me? She knows I wanted this baby. I was going to marry her for God’s sake.
“You don’t have any rights, Clay. I listed the father as unknown with the lawyer we are using for legal purposes. There isn’t anything you can do about it.” Megan lifts her head a couple of inches and stares at me.
‘Let’s talk about this. You honestly want to keep me out of his life? I don’t understand why you would want to do that to me. I was nothing but good to you.”
“You were great until I told you whether or not I had this baby was my choice, not yours. That was our first fight and it showed me your true colors.” Megan’s voice is full of hostility and she crosses her arms, propping them on her swollen belly. “After that, Clay, you didn’t care if I lived or died. You despised me and you let me know it.” Megan walks to the sofa and sits.
“I was upset, but I wanted our baby, Megan. I wanted us to be a family, even if we were only twenty years old. I didn’t care that we had only been dating a few months. I’ve just never believed in abortion as a form of birth control. If you’re old enough to have sex, then you damn well better be responsible enough to take care of any babies that are made.”
“You still aren’t getting the point, Clay. It’s not your body, and it’s not the man’s life that gets totally fucked up. I’ve got plans and that doesn’t include being married at twenty or having a baby. It’s my choice, not yours.”
“Okay, I accept that it’s your choice. Just tell me one thing, Megan.” I walk over to the couch and kneel down in front of her.
“What is it, Clay? I’m tired and I need my rest.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you changed your mind about the abortion?”
Megan looks away. She won’t meet my gaze. She pulls her lips into a tight line and shakes her head a little. “You told me I was being immature by only thinking about myself. That I was going to be guilty of committing murder, Clay. Why would I tell you anything? Now that I am having him, I don’t want him having anything to do with you. I don’t want him raised by someone like you. It’s bad enough he’ll have your self-righteous blood running through his veins.”
I hang my head. I’m guilty of everything she is saying to me right now, but those things were said out of anger. I habitually am able to think about things before I say them. As a rule, I’m a laid back person, but words spoken in fury are seldom nice and they can feel like an ice pick tearing at your heart. My regret, that I swore I would live without, is knowing I’ll have a son I won’t be allowed to know. Fuck my life.
“I’m so sorry, I was hurt and suffering, Megan. You were breaking me into a million little pieces. The only thing I knew to do was lash back.” I lay my forehead on her knees. “Can you
please forgive me? What can I do, Megan? Just name it. Anything. Please let me be part of my son’s life.” I’m weeping on her lap, begging for a second chance.
“I can’t do this, Clay. My blood pressure is already high, and I can’t handle this stress. If you really want what’s best for him, you’ll leave us alone.” Megan pushes my head from her lap.
My shock over her cold treatment goes unnoticed, “Alright, what do you want from me? I’m not going to give up without a battle. He is my son, and I’ll go to the fucking White House if I have to, Megan.”
“I’m going to bed, Clay. Leave. I’m done. Discussing. This.” Megan says through gritted teeth.
“I’m sleeping on your couch, and I’m not leaving until this is resolved. You went all this time keeping this from me, you can’t blame me being skeptical of your intentions.”
“Whatever, Clay. Do what you want. I don’t care.” Megan walks into her bedroom, closes, and locks the door.
I lay on the couch, going over everything that happened between Megan and me from the time we started dating until that night she told me she was having an abortion. I was wrong to say all of that to her. But my emotions had been on overdrive then. Dad had told us a few weeks prior about his other family, and Mom had gone into depression. To say the least, things were crazy at home. Oakley was scared and needing someone to lean on. But none of that gave me any right to treat Megan the way I did. Now I could end up paying for that mistake for the rest of my life. I have to come up with a way to make this right.
eight
Lizzie
Kane and I drive back to the hotel in silence. I focus on the drops of rain that are hitting the passenger window. They barely trickle down the pane at first, then cascade like the tears I swore I would never shed over another guy. Why am I such a stupid girl? No, don’t go there until you have a reason to go there. Talk to Kane first.
“Let’s go to Clay’s and my room, so he’ll know where I am,” I tell Kane.
“Lead the way.” He lifts his lips in that half smile of his.
I reach in my back pocket for the room card. I had put it there before we left so I wouldn’t have to dig around in my purse to find it. Usually by the time we are getting back to our room, Clay’s ready to rip my clothes off in the hallway so I like to be prepared. A lot of good that’s doing me tonight.
I unlock the door and Kane holds it open for me. Once I’m inside, he follows, closes the door, and then sits on the edge of the bed. “Lizzie, I think you need to sit down for this. Do you have any alcohol in the room? You may need that, too.” Kane looks around.
My phone vibrates. It’s Bailey. I text back, letting her know I’m fine.
“No, we don’t have anything to drink. Can we get to the point? I need to know what’s going on here. I don’t want to sit.” I shake my head as he pats the bed beside him.
“A few weeks before Clay’s parents died, he found out he was going to be a daddy.” Kane lifts both of his hands.
“He didn’t tell me he’s going to be a father. Did he run out on this girl?” I ask him.
My heart drops to my stomach, I’m going to have to let him go even though he makes me so happy. He’s going to be a daddy. How can he be with me and look me in my eyes, knowing my issues. I can’t be with someone who won’t be there for his child.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.” I look at the dark television. I see the layer of dust on the top of the console. The maid must have skipped that spot when she was cleaning.
My phone vibrates again. It’s still only Bailey. I tell her to stay with Cash because I need this information I’m getting from Kane.
“No, you’re not paying attention.”
I sit on the floor with my back against the bed. There're specks of dust on the screen, too, a small scratch on the dresser where the set has been moved slightly.
Kane sits on the floor beside me. “Look at me, Lizzie.” He gently turns my face.
“You can leave, Kane, I’m fine,” I tell him.
“She told him she had an abortion, Lizzie. He didn’t know.”
I don’t comprehend what he’s telling me, “But is she still pregnant? I only saw her from the back. I couldn’t even tell she was... If it’s his baby, he needs to be a father,” I say softly.
Kane answers just as tenderly, “He tried to take responsibility, and he even asked her to marry him. She wouldn’t even consider it. All she thought about was herself. He begged her. He went to see a lawyer and fought for the baby. Then she said it was a done deal, it was over. A few days later his parents, well, his mom went off the deep end, Lizzie. She lost her head and she ended up shooting his dad. Not being able to live with her guilt, I’m guessing, she killed herself. Clay doesn’t talk about this stuff. He stays strong for Oakley, but I was there.” He searches my eyes for understanding.
I get another text. It’s Bailey again. Fuck.
Bailey: Are you going to be okay with Kane?
Lizzie: Yes! I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight.
Bailey: I’m here, Lizzie and I’m worried about you.
I don’t answer her. I want to get back to this conversation with Kane.
“She’s the one he still has the ring for. I found it in his bottom drawer. He begged her to marry him? Her saying no doesn’t change the fact he’s going to be a father now. He must have loved her. He’ll have a responsibility to that baby, and I’m sure he probably still loves her. Kane, what am I going to do? I gave him my heart. I let him in. I swore I’d never let anyone in again.”
“He did everything in his power, Lizzie, to do the right thing, but she lied to him.” Kane puts his arm around my shoulder.
“This is the end. I knew our relationship was too good to be true, Kane. Why do I let guys stomp mercilessly on my heart?”
“He hates her. Clay loves you. I’ve never seen him this happy. He’ll figure this out and will be here to explain all of this to you much better than I can. Come here, Lizzie.” Kane pulls me close to him.
“Kane, he and I are over. I can’t stay with him, knowing I’m keeping him from his child. See, I didn’t have a dad. He left us when I was a baby. My granddad was an asshole. He let my mom be used for sex, by one of his friends after her mom died. Men have a tendency of not doing right by the women in my family.”
“Don’t judge all men by them. Clay is a good guy, Lizzie.” He raises his hand to his chest, “And what about me? I’m a good guy. I’m your friend.”
“Then there was Nathanial. He was a football player in high school. We dated, and he told me how much he loved me.” I bring my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. “Then he told me right before he left for college that I’d never be good enough for anyone other than maybe a quick fuck.” I scrape my hair back and face Kane, “I had let him in, Kane. I let him know all the little details about my dad and what my mom had told me about her father. He threw it all back up in my face in front of the entire school.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Sweetheart, I wish I could kick his ass for you.” Kane rubs his hand down my back then leans forward and gives me a kiss on my temple.
We talk for a while. He tries to make me feel better by telling me about his worst girlfriend.
When I yawn, I grab my phone. “What time is it anyway?” It’s 4:00 am and my eyes feel raw. I see I’ve missed several more texts from Bailey. Clay still isn’t here and he hasn’t tried to contact me either. I guess that’s my sign if there ever was one.
“I can’t believe it’s so late. I’ll leave so you can get some sleep.” Kane stands and stretches.
“Can I pack my stuff and go to your room? He hasn’t even tried to call me, and I don’t want to be here when he returns.”
“Are you sure that is a good idea?” Kane draws his eyebrows inward.
“I can’t stand in the way of that baby having a father and if Clay was worried about me, Kane, he would have sent a quick text or answered my call. Don’t think that we’re going to
be together,” I motion back and forth between us, “because I want to go to your room. I just can’t be alone right now. Okay?”
“Who do you think I am? I would never take advantage of you when you’re vulnerable like this, Lizzie. We’re too good of friends.” Kane frowns.
“Help me pack, so I can get out of here fast. When Bailey and Cash get up, I’ll go to their room. No, on second thought when Denise and Oakley get up, I’ll go to their room,” I say.
Kane doesn’t make any obscene jokes about my personal belongings while he helps me pack. When we are in his room, I’m surprised how neat he keeps his stuff. Everything is so organized, folded, and stacked.
I’m so tired and I feel like I have sand in my eyes. I use the restroom and brush my teeth then change into sleep pants and a t-shirt.
I walk into the room and Kane has changed into a pair of knit shorts. They are sitting low on his hips. I’ve never seen him without a shirt on, but he is ripped. At one time, that would have turned me on and I’d have been all over Kane, but now I couldn’t care less. He doesn’t hold any appeal for me. He’s simply Kane. The shameless flirt that likes to see how much he can push Clay’s buttons.
“I’ll sleep in your chair.” I gesture at the armchair across the room.
“Lizzie, we can both sleep on the bed and nothing will happen. I’ll sleep on top of the covers if that will make you feel better.”
There he is again with his half smile.
“Kane, if you so much as touch me, I swear I’ll castrate you.” I’m so thankful to lie on the bed. Tomorrow is our last day in Nashville. We have tomorrow night then we’ve planned to caravan home Tuesday morning, but I want to leave as soon as I get up in the morning. I hope I can talk someone into going with me. Bailey will probably understand and be willing to go home a day early.
Love Me ~ Without Regret Page 12