Love Me ~ Without Regret

by Renee Kennedy

  Lizzie: HaHa! I bet that’s all you’d want. I’m sorry, I can’t this weekend, I have a rotation at the vet clinic on Saturday. Can you come here, just for the weekend?

  Clay: Let me see what’s up at court tomorrow, but yeah I bet we can make that work. Do you want me to give you a snuggle on Skype until then?

  Lizzie: Hmm… that does sound tempting. It won’t be the same, but it’s the next best thing to a puppy.

  Clay: You would rather have a puppy than me :-(.

  Lizzie: What? I’ve always wanted a tiny Yorkie to love on. Sorry, Babe, but you know how it is with girls and tiny dogs.

  Clay: Get on Skype, woman.

  Megan texted, asking me to meet her for breakfast before court. I really didn’t want to see her, but I agreed when she suggested we could settle out of court.

  “Hey, Clay, I’m glad you came. Thank you.” Megan leaned in for a hug.

  I hate to admit it, but she really does look cute pregnant. I have the love of my life now, though. I turn my shoulder to give her a side hug. I don’t see how I could have hugged her any other way. She looks like she is smuggling a basketball under her shirt.

  “Yeah, no problem. Are you hungry? Let’s order something to eat. I need some coffee, too. How have you been feeling?” I ask.

  “I’ve been tired. He wears me out. I can’t find a comfortable position at night and I have to go to pee every five minutes.”

  She laughs half-heartedly.

  “I’ve read that is to be expected at this stage. Have you been able to take a catnap in the afternoons at least?” I’ve been reading a lot about babies since I found out I was going to be a daddy.

  The blue haired waitress comes over to take our order and brings us back our drinks. I feel like this little lady should be sitting and letting me bring the stuff to her, but I have a feeling she would give me a good tongue lashing if I were to say so.

  “Clay, I wanted to talk to you about our baby,” Megan says with a sweet smile on her face.

  “Okay, what’s up?” I look at her over the rim of my steaming cup of coffee. She’s not wasting any time at getting to the heart of the matter.

  “I want to keep our baby. I’d like another chance to make things work with you.”

  I watch her as she allows a tear to roll down her carefully made up face.

  “What has made you change your mind, Megan?”

  “You, Clay. You’ve changed. You’re so much more caring, thoughtful, and sweet. When we were together, you were honestly a little stuck on yourself.” She laughs softly.

  “Ha, I don’t think I was the only one.” Boy, she has a lot of room to talk.

  “I know I was probably a lot worse, but I’m ready for us to be a family. We could be one of those musical families. We could be the next Tim and Faith.” She reaches across the table and takes my hand.

  I look down where our hands are connected, taking in everything she just laid out on the table.

  “Is that what you really want, Megan? Are you saying you love the baby now and want to be a mom?”

  “Yes, more than anything. I want us to be a family, Clay.”

  I don’t get a chance to answer right away because our food arrives. I stare at her in disbelief. I take a couple of bites of my food as I contemplate what to say to Megan.

  “What about love, Megan? Don’t you think you should love me before we get married?” I ask her.

  “I do love you, Clay, in my own way.” Megan smiles.

  “Is that supposed to convince me? I know what love is Megan, and you don’t have it in you to love anyone but yourself.” I’ve lost my appetite. I wipe my face with my napkin and throw it onto my plate. Getting up from the table, I spot our sweet little waitress and walk over to her.

  “Ma’am, I want to give you money for our breakfast and your tip. My company,” I motion toward Megan, “I’m afraid, isn’t a decent person. This is to just ensure you receive a proper amount for our food and your service.” I glare over at Megan.

  “Well thank you, sugar. Can I get you a cup of coffee to go?” She smiles up at me.

  “No, ma’am, but you have a good day and don’t work too hard.” I put on my shades and leave. I don’t mind being a few minutes early for court.

  sixteen

  Lizzie

  Today, Clay is supposed to get the results on the paternity test. He surprised me by coming home last Wednesday night and we spent four glorious nights together. When we weren’t in bed, we were together on the ranch doing so many needed chores, which normally fall to Clay. I’ve been going down some every afternoon, and we have a lot of great volunteers, but no one puts in as much time and effort as Clay. He stayed with me until I had to leave for school on Monday morning. I hated to say goodbye but we made plans for this weekend.

  We got a lot planned for Oakley’s pageant. Clay’s only concern was for her not to get a revealing dress. He wants all of her body parts covered up. He’s a little overprotective when it comes to his baby sister, and I swear if Cash isn’t getting the same way. I’ve never been happier to be an only child more in my life. I told Clay that Bailey and I had it covered. He still wants a picture of her in the dress before it’s purchased.

  Clay is going to call and put me on speaker when he goes to his attorney’s office for the results. They were sent there by courier or first class mail because he doesn’t have a permanent address anymore in Nashville.

  The fucking cunt is meeting him up there. Last Wednesday, she filed for sole custody of the baby, sending Clay over the edge. He plans to fight her for custody, but unless he can prove she is an unfit mother, the best he can hope for is joint custody.

  His call comes in during the middle of one of my classes, but I grab my stuff and shuffle out of the room. “Hello,” I answer as soon as I get to the hallway.

  “Hey, Babe, I’m about to walk into John’s office. Love you,” he says.

  I go ahead and press the mute button on my phone then I hear him open a door.

  “John, how are you today?” Clay says.

  “Clay, come on in, have a seat. Is Megan on her way?”

  “I haven’t heard from her since last Wednesday, I was surprised to hear she was coming in for the results.”

  “Yes, she was adamant when I scheduled the clinic appointment that she be here when I got these papers back.”

  “I’m here! It takes me longer to walk these days.”

  Megan is a bit out of breath when she says this.

  “No problem, Megan, go ahead and have a seat. Now that all parties are present, I’ll open the envelope,” John says.

  I hear a light rustling sound.

  “Okay, let’s see what we have here.”

  Everything goes silent for a minute.

  “Well, Clay, it appears you’re not the father of the baby,” John says.

  What? I so want to unmute my phone and go off on her.

  “You bitch!”

  I hear Clay loud and clear.

  “You lied to me this whole time. Not only did you tell me this baby was mine, but you agreed we were exclusive.”

  “Clay, I don’t how…”

  I can’t believe Megan is whining and playing dumb with Clay.

  “Excuse me please, I hate to interrupt the two of you, but if I need to meditate, my fee is two hundred and fifty dollars an hour,” John says

  “I apologize about my outburst, John. Please send me a bill for the remainder of my balance.”

  Clay sounds like he can barely hold back his contempt.

  It sounds like Clay is walking. I hear a door open and close. I hear clicking and a swoosh.

  “Clay, wait please, let me at least tell you what happened. I really did think the baby was yours. I was with someone else one time. That was all. One time after one of y’alls’ shows when you had to take care of some band business and he was free to take me home.” Megan says.

  “Who was free to take you home, Megan?”

  “Kane, Clay. It was Kane.�
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  “You fucked one of my friends? Really, Megan? Classy.”

  “Let me finish, please. He had been extra friendly to me for weeks, and accidently rubbing up on me. That night you asked if I could get another ride home and he said he would take me.”

  “Un-fucking- believable, Megan. I told you from the beginning how he was, didn’t I? I asked you to stay away from him. You said he was just being nice.”

  “When we got to my apartment, he needed to use the restroom. Then he asked if I had anything to drink. He wanted to have a drink with me because that was the least I could do since he brought me home. He mixed up some concoction and I downed it as fast as possible to get rid of him. He took his time on his. Whatever he mixed together must have been strong. It hit me fast and hard. The next thing I knew, I was waking up the next morning and Kane was lying beside me naked.”

  Oh, shit! He tried the same shit on me and I didn’t tell Clay. Now, what am I going to do?

  “Well, I’m done with you now, and I’m relieved I’ll never have to deal with you again.”

  “Are you going to tell Kane?”

  “I don’t care a fuck about you or Kane. I think you two deserve each other personally, but he’s not going to hear it from me. He’s not stupid, though, but you don’t have to worry. He wouldn’t step up and be a man if you paid him. Now you can give the baby to Jenie.”

  A car door closes, and Clay’s car cranks. I think he forgot I’m on speaker. I hang up and dial him again.

  “Oh, Babe, I’m so sorry.” Clay says.

  “No worries. So can I assume you’ll be home tonight?”

  “Hell yes! Let me go and get my stuff from GG’s. I want to make sure I clean up anything that I’ve messed up and I’ll be on my way home to you.”

  “Let me know when you leave GG’s, and be careful.”

  “Okay, Babe, I love you, ya know that?” Clay says.

  “I love you, too. I can’t wait for you to be home.”

  “Me either. You need to cancel any plans you may have and tell Oakley she may want to spend the night with a friend.”

  “Bye, Clay, hurry home to me,” I tell him.

  “Baby, I’ll run every red light to get to you.” Clay hangs up.

  I want to go home because I feel sick over not telling Clay about Kane coming on to me. I have to tell him. It’s the right to do. I think. Oh God! I have no idea. I need help. Who can help me with this? Someone who knows them both, but can remain neutral. Think Lizzie.

  Levi is always listening to problems being a bartender. He’s always sympathetic. But he’s better listening and being someone’s shoulder than laying down some hard facts. Ryder keeps the peace between the guys. He has a level head on his shoulders and is the logical choice. He has been a little distant with all of us lately. He and Aubs aren’t seeing each other anymore, and both of them refuse to talk about it. Maybe I’ll feel him out first. I’m going home first. None of this is going to happen at school.

  Lizzie: Hey, haven’t talked to you in a while.

  Ryder: Hey, Lizzie. I’m at work. Are you okay?

  Lizzie: I wanted to show you my tat. You probably won’t believe this, but I dated Nate in high school. I didn’t know he was a tattoo artist.

  Ryder: Do you like it? Was he nice to you?

  Lizzie: Yes and yes. Hey, do you want to grab lunch? Are you up to talking something out with me? I need a little advice.

  Ryder: Lizzie, I don’t want to get in the middle of your relationship with Clay.

  Lizzie: It’s not that. Something happened and I want your advice on what to do.

  Ryder: I’m curious, but I hate to get involved.

  Lizzie: I understand. I thought maybe you could hear me out, and if you wanted to offer advice on the situation you could.

  Ryder: Where and when? But don’t be surprised if I don’t say a word.

  Lizzie: I’m at home and can come that way without a problem. I’ll meet you anywhere.

  We make plans and Ryder tells me again how this is against his better judgment.

  Clay

  Relief washes over me because that was one shit storm I went through. For nothing. I almost lost what I hold closest to my heart for something that wasn’t even mine. It all came down to Kane. I glad it’s over and done with. I fucking hate him, and I’ve told him for the last time to stay away from Lizzie. I know now that I can’t let this shit with Kane go. I’m going to talk to the other guys in the band. It’s either him or me. They all moved down to Alabama for me, and I hate what I’ll be asking them to do, but I can’t be around someone I can’t trust or stand to have in my sight.

  At GG’s, I pack what little I have, but there’s not anything for me to clean up so I’m quickly on my way back to my woman. I drum my fingers on my steering wheel along with the beat of the song on the radio.

  Driving like this gives my mind idle time. Idle time is like a disease that creeps into your psyche. It makes you dwell on little details over and over again. That’s what I keep doing. Not that I loved Megan, I didn’t, but what Kane did is a dick move. He is supposed or was supposed to be my best friend.

  I go over the little details of what happened all of those months ago between Kane and Megan. The more I think about it the more I see he has treated Lizzie very similarly. What I can’t figure out is why he did all of that to me. I wish I had my dad here to hash this out with. He was good at bringing up questions I never thought about. Maybe Cash is good with the same thing. Maybe he’s noticed something about Kane.

  “Hey, bro.” Cash answers the phone. “How’s it going?”

  “Hey, man, you got a minute?”

  “Yeah, whatcha got?”

  “I want to run some things by you and see what you make of them.” I tell him what I learned today and what I remember from the last year with Kane.

  “Damn,” Cash remarked. “You know how to pick ‘em, don’t you?”

  “What has occurred to me is he’s been using the same tactics on Lizzie.”

  “You need to shut that shit down,” Cash says without hesitation.

  “That’s what I want to do, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t overreacting. What have you noticed?”

  Cash tells me more than I want to hear. I wasn’t being as observant as I thought. It’s so hard to hear that I didn’t see these things. I saw him hug her. I’m really an idiot to think he was doing as I asked and not trying to make a move on her.

  “Why haven’t you come to me and told me these things? Wouldn’t you want to know if he was hitting on Bailey like that?”

  “You were there. I thought you saw how he was rubbing up on her right in front of you at the Bluebird. So what are you going to do about it?”

  “What I want and what I need to do are entirely different animals. I think what I need to do is call a band meeting, but I’m going by to talk to him today before I go home.”

  “I would just kick his ass and get it over with,” Cash says.

  “Oh, like you did with Bailey’s ex-boyfriend?”

  “Yeah, it took every ounce of self-control not to knock him on his ass the first time he glanced her way. Do what you want, but if I had it to do over again, I’d lay him out flat in the dirt right away.”

  I laugh, “Yeah, man, I’m coming over the river now. I’m going to stop by and talk to him. I’ll catch ya later. Thanks.”

  “Anytime. Let me know how it turns out. If you need me, I’m there.”

  “Alright, bye.”

  I verbally send the band a group text: I need to call an emergency band meeting.

  Clay: Can everyone meet sometime tomorrow?

  Ryder: What the hell is going on? I don’t get off until five.

  Michael: I can meet around 5.

  Kane: Yeah, man.

  Levi: Are we going to meet at the bar because you know that’s where I’ll be at that time?

  Clay: Let’s make it 6 pm since Ryder has to get there from work.

  They all reply that they will be the
re. I send another text to Kane.

  Clay: Hey, man, are you working today?

  Kane: Nah, they didn’t need me today, what’s up?

  Clay: Oh, I was going to stop by if you were home.

  Kane: Okay, I’m here.

  I drive over to Kane’s. None of us are sure what he does because he is vague about his job. He said he works for a consulting firm, but anytime you call him, he’s always available. He’s an enigma and the more I thought about him on my way home, the more I realized how little I knew him. At the meeting, I’m going to call attention to this about him. He needs to come clean about who he really is.

  I park in the driveway of his condo. As I make my way to his door, I ponder how I want to approach this.

  He opens the door to my knocking, “Hey, man, come on in.”

  He’s such a neat freak. His place is always spotless. Anytime we’re on the road, his suitcases are even packed perfectly with bags that separate like items.

  “I found out what you did, Kane. What you did behind my back.”

  “Shit, man, I knew Lizzie would tell you,” he says, looking down at the floor.

  “What the fuck did you just say?” I know I didn’t hear him say Lizzie would tell me.

  “Clay, I thought the two of you were over. I called her and she wanted me to bring her some Jack. One thing led to another…”