‘And the slalom,’ I added. We were quiet for a bit, getting over the excitement. ‘You were right about this being a good place to come.’
‘Yes. But I’ve got a question for you, Trev. Do you think Melinda would make a good squirrel?’
Oh boy! Would she? I had no idea at all. But it was an interesting thought.
7 The Knicker Nicker
Guess who the next person I saw was? Yep, that’s right – Melinda. I knew it was her immediately even though she was some way ahead of me as I walked Streaker home. I quickened my steps so that I could catch her up and all the time I was thinking: so what do I say to her when I do catch up with her? And then I was walking next to her, a bit out of breath.
‘Hi!’
‘Oh, it’s you. Mudboy’
‘Trevor.’ I nodded and flashed my best smile at her.
‘Your front teeth are crooked,’ she said. ‘My daddy says you should never trust anyone with crooked teeth.’
‘I can’t help it,’ I mumbled. ‘I didn’t ask anyone for teeth like these. They just sort of arrived in my mouth like this.’
And now I was thinking: this conversation is stupid! I want to tell her how lovely she is and here we are talking about crooked teeth!
I made a huge effort to try and change the conversation. ‘Your teeth are lovely’ I said. ‘Nice, straight teeth. You’re lucky You got sent straight teeth. I got sent wonky ones.’
Melinda flashed me an odd look. ‘Are you weird, or something? Do you always talk to people like this? Daddy says you can’t trust weird people.’
I struggled not to be too weird and tried to think of something interesting to say. I gazed at her dog. ‘What make of dog is that?’
‘Make?’ Melinda rolled her eyes scornfully. ‘She’s not a car, stupid. She’s a boxer. I’m entering her in the dog show’
‘Really? How’s the training going?’
Melinda gave a snort. She sounded a bit like a small pony – a very pretty small pony. ‘We don’t have to do that sort of stuff. Roxy is already trained – unlike some dogs I could mention.’
‘What are you entering her for?’
‘Best in Show of course. That means she does everything. She’s bound to win. Roxy’s a pedigree. She cost Daddy hundreds. Do you know what her proper name is? Wisteria Wannabee Winstanley the Eighth.’
I gulped. That was a bit of a mouthful and certainly not the sort of name you would want to shout out in the middle of a field. No wonder they called her Roxy.
‘Pedigree dogs always have a proper name,’ Melinda went on. ‘It’s because they are so special, and expensive. You can call mongrels anything you like.’
‘I know, we call Streaker all sorts! You should hear my dad sometimes. He calls her things like Bottomsniffer and Dopey-Deaf-Mutt.’
‘That’s not what I meant,’ grumbled Melinda. ‘Although I can easily imagine your father saying crude things like that.’
I had the impression that I wasn’t getting much further with Melinda.
‘My daddy says you can’t trust a man who says rude words.’
‘Right.’ Long silence. But I had to ask eventually. The question was beginning to burn a hole in my tongue. ‘Does your dad trust anyone?’
Melinda stopped, turned, faced me square on and gave me a dazzling smile, her neat white teeth flashing in the sun. ‘He doesn’t trust you,’ she said. ‘Or your dog, or anyone in your family for that matter. Goodbye.’
And off she went, leaving me feeling as if she had just sucked every bone out of my body and left me in a heap of flabby skin on the pavement, slowly dribbling away over the kerb and into the gutter and down the drain. And she still looked beautiful!
Somehow I managed to drag myself home, although as you can imagine it was very difficult with no bones left.
The first thing I noticed when I reached the house was that Dad had crooked teeth. I asked Mum if having crooked teeth made you a crooked person. She almost fell off her exercise bike.
‘Don’t be daft. That’s like saying that the more freckles you have the more stupid you are, or that if you’ve got small ears you must be deaf. You can’t help what you’re born with, Trevor. Teeth just sort of come out the way they are, and the only way to change them is to go to the dentist and have them rearranged. Anyhow, what’s all this about teeth?’
So I told Mum about Melinda and what she had said and Mum began laughing all over again. ‘The cheek of it! I bet that girl’s teeth aren’t naturally straight. I bet she’s had work done on them. Probably cost a fortune.’ She stopped pedalling and looked at me. ‘You like Melinda, don’t you?’
‘It’s not like that, Mum!’
‘I don’t suppose it is. I don’t suppose she’ll let you anywhere near, not after shoving her in the mud.’
‘That was Streaker. I don’t see why I should keep getting the blame for that.’
‘No, but you can understand why she’s wary of you. Listen, if you want to make a good impression you should do something nice for her. Make her a card. Buy her a chocolate bar or pick some flowers for her. Something like that.’
Mum began pedalling again and I went off to do some thinking. Maybe Mum was right. I could try that. Make a good impression. Get Melinda something nice. Then she’d be really pleased and she’d like me.
Yep – it was an excellent idea. I grabbed some dosh from my money pile and headed down the high street. I stood outside the flower shop for ages but I couldn’t make up my mind. Red roses? Those yellow things? Eventually I gave up on flowers. Maybe I could find something in one of the big department stores.
By this time I was beginning to think of jewellery. Obviously I wasn’t going to get Melinda diamonds or pearls, but I thought I might be able to find a nice bracelet or little necklace. The accessory department was right next to Ladies’ Clothing, which made it a bit embarrassing. It meant I had to stand next to all the underwear and stuff like that. I tried not to look at anything in case anyone saw me and thought I was staring or something.
‘Huh huh huh! Buying your girlfriend some knickers?’
I jumped a mile! I almost hit the ceiling. I spun round and found myself gazing into Charlie Smugg’s big, ugly chops. My own face was burning up.
‘No!’ I said, so loudly that everyone around me turned to stare and I went even redder.
Charlie looked at the audience and smiled. ‘It’s all right,’ he explained. ‘He can’t remember what size pants his girlfriend wears.’
‘Shut up!’
‘Only trying to help,’ sniggered Charlie.
‘Just leave me alone.’
Charlie gave another shark-like smile. ‘I’ve got plans for you,’ he said. ‘You and your girly-friend. You’re going in that trough this time, and you’re going to get filthy, big time. You’re going to stink for the rest of your life.’
I shook my head. ‘Streaker’s going to beat your dogs.’
‘Oh I don’t think so,’ crowed Charlie. ‘She might beat one of them, but she won’t beat all three, no way.’ He poked my chest with a stubby, dirty finger. ‘You’re history, sunshine.’
‘Yeah?’ I bravely replied. ‘Well if I’m history then you’re… you’re school dinners!’
That shut him up. It shut me up, too! I don’t think either of us had any idea what I was on about.
Charlie just stared at me. Then he began shaking his head and finally he wandered off.
Everyone seemed to be looking at me now, but as soon as I stared back at them they hastily ‘I looked away I turned back to the jewellery carousel. All I wanted to do now was get out of the shop as quickly as possible. I found a neat little bracelet with a heart dangling on it. I reckoned Melinda would love that. It looked just like gold, although of course it wasn’t. I took it to the counter, paid and made a beeline for the door.
As I reached the outside I breathed a sigh of relief. Fresh air at last. I could get away from all those nosy faces. I began to relax and then suddenly an iron hand gripped my
shoulder.
‘Excuse me, young man.’ A security guard held me in his vice-like grasp. ‘I don’t believe you’ve paid for that.’
‘W-What?’ I held up my little bag. ‘I’ve g-g-got the receipt,’ I stammered. ‘I’ve only just bought it. There must be some mistake.’
‘I don’t think so, sonny. I don’t mean what you have in the bag. I mean – this!’ The guard reached behind my back and produced a flame-red bra-and-panties set.
I almost died on the spot. Everyone in the street had turned to stare. The guard kept waving this awful red set of underwear in my face, which was rapidly turning even redder than the knickers.
‘But I don’t know anything about them! I mean, why, what, where –?’ I was gobsmacked. I couldn’t think what to say. What was going on?
‘You’ll have to come with me,’ insisted the guard. ‘I’m arresting you on suspicion of shoplifting.’
Before I knew it I was down at the police station and you can guess who was standing behind the front desk when I was dragged in.
Sergeant Smugg, Charlie’s dad.
8 You Can Trust Freckles
It was only when I saw Sergeant Smugg that I began to put two and two together. Of course, Charlie Smugg, it had to be Charlie! He had been there in the shop, hovering around me. It was Charlie up to his tricks. He would have thought that was so funny.
‘Well, well, well,’ sneered Sergeant Smugg. ‘If it isn’t our old friend Trevor Larkey.’ He nodded at the security guard. ‘I know this lad. He’s always in trouble. Didn’t have a dog with him, did he? Partners in crime, they are.’
The guard shook his head. ‘Didn’t see any dog.’
‘Hmmm. Could be that while you had your eyes on this lad the dog was making off with a shopload of goods.’
My jaw just about hit the ground.
This was crazy! Now Sergeant Smugg seemed to think that Streaker had gone whizzing out of the shop with the rest of the ladies underwear department! He leaned right across the desk and pushed his fat face up against mine.
‘Who were you stealing this for? Not yourself, obviously, ha ha ha! Maybe it was for your mother?’
‘I didn’t steal them!’
‘But the guard found you with them.’
‘I didn’t know I had it. It was stuck to my back.’
‘Ha! “I didn’t know I had it.” That’s what they all say’ Sergeant Smugg put on a mocking voice. ‘Stealing for your girlfriend maybe?’ The policeman eyed the guard again. ‘Goes around with a girl. They work as a pair. They’re both in it up to their necks, mark my words. If the dog wasn’t there then the girl must have been. I could order a police raid on her house. We’ll probably find it full of stolen goods.’
‘I was on my own and I didn’t steal them,’ I repeated.
‘Oh. So how did they get there then?’
‘I don’t know,’ I answered miserably, although I was pretty sure. But could I tell the sergeant that his son had put them there? Would he believe me? Of course not. I stayed silent. Sergeant Smugg picked up the phone and dialled my home.
‘We’ll see what your father has to say about this,’ he grunted.
Dad was not impressed to find himself called out to the police station. He didn’t think much of me and he didn’t think much of Sergeant Smugg either. ‘Call yourself a policeman? Do you really think a young boy – or anyone for that matter – would deliberately walk out of a shop with a bra and panties hanging from their back? Even the guard says it looked odd. Someone obviously put them there for a prank.’
The guard from the department store nodded. ‘I think Mr Larkey could be right. It did look strange. Usually shoplifters try and hide what they’re stealing.’
‘Exactly,’ said Dad. ‘Someone is talking sense at last. Perhaps you could also explain to me, Sergeant Smugg, why my eleven-year-old son would want to steal a flame-red bra and knickers?’
The sergeant picked up the underwear set and examined them. ‘They are very flashy,’ he suggested.
‘Not for an eleven-year-old boy! And why on earth would he hang them from his back where everyone could see them?’
‘Good point,’ muttered the security guard.
‘Yes, and it’s a pity you didn’t think of that before bringing Trevor down here and wasting everyone’s time,’ snapped Dad.
‘Sorry’ muttered the guard. ‘I just got caught up in all the excitement. It’s my first week on the job and I’ve never arrested anyone before.’
Sergeant Smugg shuffled a big pile of papers. ‘Well you be careful,’ he said eventually, throwing a big frown in my direction. ‘I’ve got my eye on you. You get into too much trouble by far and I’ll have you one day, I will. I’ll have you and that’ll be it. You and your dog. And that girl. And your father!’
Dad took me home and I told him I was sure it was Charlie. Dad gritted his teeth.
‘It’s war,’ he said. ‘I’m fed up with those Smuggs.’
Then he had a go at me. I told him it wasn’t my fault. I hadn’t arrested myself or taken myself to the police station. So then I got told off for being cheeky You can’t win, can you? As for Mum, when Dad told her the full story she fell off her exer-cycle laughing. I pointed out that it was her fault really.
‘If it hadn’t been for you I wouldn’t have been in the shop in the first place.’ I explained about the bracelet and they were impressed.
‘It’s lovely,’ said Dad, rather surprised. ‘Very romantic. I’m sure Tina will be yours forever.’
‘Tina?!’ Mum and I chorused.
Dad looked puzzled. ‘Am I missing something?’
‘It’s for Melinda,’ Mum told him.
‘What? You mean Melinda as in Melinda Boffington-Orr with the designer jeans and top that have just cost us an arm and a leg to get cleaned? That Melinda? Boy, you do like living dangerously, don’t you, Trevor?’
‘How do you mean?’ I asked.
Mum and Dad glanced at each other. ‘You’ll find out one day’ sighed Dad. ‘And when it happens just think of it as a learning experience. In the meantime take that wretched dog out for a walk before she eats the entire carpet.’
I hate it when they say things like that. They almost tell you something that is obviously highly important and then they leave you in the dark. Still, I wasn’t going to spend all day fretting about it. I took Streaker up to the field, let her off the lead and sat down under a tree to see if Melinda would turn up. While I waited I got out the bracelet and looked at it again. It sparkled in the sunshine and the tiny heart looked really cute. Melinda was going to love it. I carefully put it back in the tissue wrapping and slipped it into my pocket.
It wasn’t long before a boxer came wandering over and started dribbling on my trainers. It was Roxy and that meant Melinda was near by. I stood up and saw her just a short distance across the field. The sun was shining on her long hair. She looked stunning.
‘Roxy! Where are you?’
‘She’s with me,’ I said. ‘Over here.’
Melinda shaded her eyes and looked across.
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘It’s you.’ She began walking towards me. My hand went into my pocket and clutched the tissue. ‘I suppose your dog is out here somewhere, terrorizing everyone,’ she said.
I smiled a bit stupidly. ‘Yes, well I’m sorry about what happened the other day.’ There was a bit of a silence. ‘Nice day,’ I said. ‘Sun’s shining.’ She was wearing a dazzling white T-shirt that made her skin looked tanned and lovely. I could see faint freckles across her nose.
‘Freckles are nice,’ I said.
‘What?’
‘My dad says you can always trust someone with freckles.’
I felt myself redden. What was I gabbling about? My dad had never said anything like that in his life! And it all sounded so stupid. It was like telling her pimples were nice, or athlete’s foot. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Melinda lifted one arm to look at her watch. It jangled. I stared at her arm. She was wearing
a bracelet of heavy, solid gold. I could tell just by the look of it. A big chunky heart dangled from it, making a jingly noise every time her arm moved. I had never seen such a massive bracelet. I slipped my hand out of my pocket, empty.
‘Nice bracelet,’ I said.
‘Daddy got it for me. It’s solid gold. Someone else gave me the heart.’ She blushed slightly. ‘A boy. Charlie. Maybe you know him?’
‘Yeah,’ I sighed. ‘Oh well, got to go – Streaker’s eating someone’s leg. Bye.’
I walked away fast. My feet thumped into the ground and with every step I inwardly cursed Charlie Smugg.
To make matters worse I happened to pass the horse trough on my way back. What a foul, stinking, stagnant mess! It was fuller than it had been before too, which was odd because it hadn’t rained that much. I remembered what Charlie had done the last time he had tried to get us in the trough. He’d put in extra slime – great gloopy gobbets of the most revolting oily slop imaginable.
Charlie had obviously been at it again. He’d been sneaking out to the field and topping up the trough. I held a hand over my mouth and nose as I gazed into the stinking, bubbling gunge. At one end a large yellow grimy slick was slowly slithering across the surface, like some alien slime-monster from Planet Yukk.
This was the charming bath that Charlie was preparing for Tina and myself. Great.
9 In Trouble Again
I told Tina that Melinda was putting Roxy up for Best in Show. She shrugged and said that Melinda could do what she liked.
‘She’s going out with Charlie Smugg,’ I added.
Tina smiled. ‘I hope they’ll be very happy together.’ She clapped a hand to her mouth. ‘Oh, Trev! I’m so sorry! I forgot, I mean, oh – whoops!’
‘What do you mean – whoops?’
‘Well, you and Melinda – you fancied her, didn’t you?’
I felt the red rising up my face and I was very uncomfortable. Streaker bounced round my feet, trying to trip me up. That didn’t help either.
The Return of the Hundred-Mile-an-Hour Dog Page 4