‘No, you fool,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord coldly. ‘You’re under my control.’
Zack looked into the Mutant Spew Lord’s eyes. As the Kisser, the Mutant Spew Lord had switched allegiance from the bum-fighters to the bums. As the Mutant Maggot Lord he’d switched allegiance from the bums to his beloved maggots and then finally back to the bum-fighters. Now it seemed he had switched allegiance once again.
Slowly, as Zack stared into the depths of the Mutant Spew Lord’s vacant eyes, he realised the truth. The Mutant Spew Lord’s true allegiance was to nobody but himself. He was interested only in power. Absolute power. And if that came at the cost of the survival of the human race, then that was a price the Mutant Spew Lord was willing to pay. Even his apparent selflessness in sacrificing himself to the mutant maggots was a purely selfish act: part of a desperate—but calculated—strategy to transform himself yet again in his endless, insatiable quest for power. Nothing—and nobody—else mattered. Not Ned, not Eleanor, not Zack and not . . .
‘Oh no!’ said Zack. ‘Where’s my bum? What have you done with my bum? I swear, if you’ve hurt it . . .’
Suddenly there was an almighty jolt as Robobum rose into the air again.
But not under her own power.
While the bum-fighters had been discovering the truth about the Mutant Spew Lord, the Great White Bum had been busy smashing the bumodactyl against the cliff-face. Its broken body and splattered brains were being hungrily devoured by the bumodactyl chicks. And Robobum was now cradled safely in the Great White Bum’s arms.
‘Sorry about that, my love,’ said the Great White Bum in a soothing voice as they took off. ‘But don’t worry. Neither Stink Kong nor the bumodactyl will be giving us any further trouble. Soon we’ll be at the Crack of Doom where we’ll be married and leave for our honeymoon on the new Earth where we will live happily ever after.’
CHAPTER 65
DESTINY?
Meanwhile, on board Robobum, all hell had broken loose. The sudden movement had caused the bum-fighters to lose their footing and fall to the ground in a sprawling heap. Eleanor landed first. Her bum fell on top of her. Zack landed on top of her and then his bum fell on top of them all.
‘Where did you come from?’ said Zack, overjoyed to see his bum again.
‘I was hiding in the roof,’ said his bum. ‘Hiding from him!’ Zack’s bum pointed at the Mutant Spew Lord, who, being more liquid than solid, hadn’t been affected by the upheaval. ‘He went crazy! He killed Ned!’
‘We know,’ said Zack, patting his bum.
‘Ned was getting ready to fire Robobum’s nuclear wart-head at the Great White Bum,’ said Zack’s bum.
‘Why?’ said Eleanor.
‘To protect you and Zack,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘He was worried that the Great White Bum was going to see you. And then the Mutant Spew Lord went crazy. He grabbed a bum-gun and shot Ned in the back. Then he tried to kill me, but I ran away and hid.’
‘That sounds more like the Kisser that I’ve come to know and despise,’ said Eleanor grimly. ‘Just you wait. By the time I get through with you, you’re going to wish you’d never reconstituted yourself. You’re going to wish you’d never crawled out of the brown lake alive. In fact, you’re going to wish that you’d never been born.’
‘I’m not sure that hurting me is such a good idea,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘Stop and think about it. You’re a smart girl, Eleanor. Headstrong, but smart. No matter what you do to me—or think you want to do to me—the Great White Bum’s rise is inevitable and we have the perfect opportunity to take advantage of it.’
‘There’s nothing “inevitable” about the Great White Bum’s rise,’ said Eleanor. ‘We can still stop him!’
‘But why would you want to stop him?’ said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘Don’t you see? This is what was prophesied in The Book of Bumageddon! I am doing nothing more than helping destiny to fulfil itself.’
Eleanor spat. ‘There’s no such thing as destiny,’ she said. ‘It’s not a place or a foregone conclusion. We’re making it up as we go along and we can work towards a better world or a world of Bumageddon—it’s our choice—your choice—right now!’
‘But that’s my point exactly,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘With the aid of Robobum we can rule the world alongside the Great White Bum! That opportunity doesn’t come along every day, you know. By defeating the Great White Bum now, we ultimately lose—we become nobodies with no power—but if we help the Great White Bum we win—we win the world.’
‘You mutated piece of mutant zombie blowfly spew,’ said Eleanor, walking towards the Mutant Spew Lord with her hands outstretched. ‘Give me the gun. Your dirty doublecrossing treachery ends here.’
‘You want to talk about dirty doublecrossing treachery?’ said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘Let’s start with you riding around in a robotic bum making promises of marriage that you have no intention of keeping! I would have thought that qualified as dirty doublecrossing treachery on at least two counts: pretending to be what you are not and intended breach of promise.’
Eleanor stared at the Mutant Spew Lord, her eyes cold. ‘I never said I was perfect.’
‘Neither did I,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord, raising the bum-gun.
‘No, Eleanor!’ said Zack. ‘Stop! He’s deranged. He’ll do it!’
‘Zack’s right,’ said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘I will.’
But Eleanor didn’t say a word. She just continued walking towards him.
Zack saw the Mutant Spew Lord’s finger twitch on the trigger.
There was a blast of light and an incredible noise as three rounds of atomic bum-blasting bullets leapt from the mouth of the gun.
CHAPTER 66
PRAYERS
‘Eeergggh!’ said a voice.
But it wasn’t Eleanor.
It was her bum.
At the crucial moment it had leapt in front of the Mutant Spew Lord’s bum-gun and was now rolling around on the ground clutching its cheeks.
Eleanor fixed the surprised Mutant Spew Lord with a look of deadly intent and tore the gun from his hand, raised it to her shoulder and pointed it at his head. Or, at least, what passed for his head.
He shielded himself weakly with his remaining arm, or, at least, what passed for his remaining arm.
‘You can mess with me all you like,’ said Eleanor, ‘but nobody messes with my bum! Say your prayers, mutant—if there’s a god mutated enough to hear them . . .’
‘Negative,’ said Robobum, crackling back to life. ‘I have checked my data banks. There is no god that mutated.’
‘Thanks, Robobum,’ said Zack, who had taken advantage of the commotion to reactivate Robobum.
‘Guess it’s just not your lucky day,’ said Eleanor to the Mutant Spew Lord as she squeezed the trigger.
Zack closed his eyes.
CHAPTER 67
HOUSEKEEPING
When Zack opened his eyes, he was amazed to see that nothing had changed.
The Mutant Spew Lord was still sitting in his chair.
Eleanor was still standing in front of him with the gun.
And a glance out the window indicated that they were still speeding towards the Crack of Doom.
‘The Mutant Spew Lord is still alive,’ said Robobum. ‘Status report indicates the Mutant Spew Lord’s body density is a mere one per cent—in other words, he is 99 per cent flesh-free. The bullets have passed through him with little impact.’
‘Wish you’d told me that before,’ said Eleanor.
‘You didn’t ask,’ said Robobum.
‘Okay,’ said Eleanor. ‘I’m asking now. How do we get rid of this piece of bullet-proof slime?’
‘Removal of onboard slime best achieved by activation of wet and dry suction unit located in hall closet,’ said Robobum.
The Mutant Spew Lord looked horrified.
‘No,’ he said. ‘You wouldn’t . . . not the vacuum cleaner!’
‘I’m afraid so,’ said Zack, retrieving the un
it from the closet. ‘You leave us no choice.’
Zack switched it on.
The high-pitched suction unit roared into life.
The Mutant Spew Lord cowered in terror and started to slide across the floor and into a crevice.
‘Quick, Zack!’ yelled Eleanor. ‘He’s getting away!’
Zack just smiled and fixed a crevice attachment to the end of the hose.
The Mutant Spew Lord screamed. Or, at least, made a noise that might have passed for a scream if anyone had been able to hear it above the vacuum cleaner’s roar.
Schluuurrrrpp!
Within a moment the Mutant Spew Lord had disappeared up the deadly nozzle—his watery flesh no match for the awesome power of the heavy-duty bum-fighting vacuum cleaner.
Eleanor looked at the ex-Mutant Spew Lord, now just a thin watery puddle of blood and rotting flesh in the bottom of the hard plastic vacuum cleaner body.
‘Good work, Zack,’ said Eleanor.
Zack, who was staring at the brown mush, hoped she was right.
He could see one of the Mutant Spew Lord’s eyeballs floating in the midst of the liquefied remains—and worse still, it was staring back at him.
Zack shivered and turned away.
He looked across to where Eleanor’s bum lay and saw his bum jumping up and down on top of it.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ said Zack.
‘Bum-to-bum resuscitation,’ said Zack’s bum.
‘No!’ said Eleanor, rushing across the room. ‘You’ll kill her!’
‘She was already dead,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘It’s worth a try!’
Suddenly Eleanor’s bum groaned.
Eleanor knelt down beside the two bums. ‘She’s alive?’ she said to Zack’s bum.
‘Yes,’ said Zack’s bum, hopping off.
‘Thank you,’ said Eleanor. ‘I’ll take over now.’
Zack’s bum nodded gravely and stepped back.
Eleanor picked up her wounded bum and cradled her gently in her arms. ‘How are you feeling?’ she said.
‘Just a flesh wound,’ said her bum. ‘I developed a pretty thick hide out there in the jungle. I had to. I’ve suffered worse.’
‘You saved my life,’ said Eleanor.
‘You saved mine,’ said Eleanor’s bum. ‘It was the least I could do.’
Eleanor bit her lip. ‘I’m really sorry,’ she said. ‘The last few years must have been very hard for you. I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to you.’
‘It’s okay,’ said her bum. ‘You just did.’
CHAPTER 68
FAREWELL
The mood inside Robobum was sombre as Zack and his bum dragged Ned Smelly’s body to the area underneath the teleportation beam. Zack folded Ned’s arms across his chest and placed his homemade metal helmet on his head.
‘Ned was one of the best,’ said Zack. ‘Without him none of this would have been possible.’
Tears came to Zack’s eyes as he thought about how much they owed Ned. It was Ned who had rescued them from certain death after their crash-landing in the Great Windy Desert many adventures ago. And it was Ned who had rescued them from the Kisser’s treachery on the bumcano. And, of course, more recently, it was Ned who had rescued them from Bumageddon.
‘He was a good man,’ said Eleanor, looking up from her bum. ‘I never heard him say a bad thing about anybody.’
‘Or any bum,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘He was always kind to me. Even though he was a bum-fighter he was always kind.’
‘He was the best inventor a robotic bum could have wanted,’ said Robobum quietly.
Zack stepped back with his head bowed. ‘May your bum be with you,’ he said solemnly. ‘Okay, Robobum . . . take him up.’
Robobum’s teleportation beam glowed and Ned’s body began to grow faint.
Suddenly Zack ran to the other side of the room. ‘Hang on, Robobum!’
Zack returned with Ned’s What Bumosaur is That? and placed it on top of his almost transparent body. ‘I think he’d appreciate that,’ said Zack.
‘So do I,’ said Robobum.
CHAPTER 69
CRACK
Nobody spoke much as the Great White Bum carried them towards the Crack of Doom. The only sounds were the small whimpers of pain from Eleanor’s bum as Eleanor dabbed at her wounds with cotton wool soaked in antiseptic.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Eleanor, after each dab. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s all right,’ said Eleanor’s bum. ‘I know you don’t mean to hurt me.’
Zack’s bum wiped a tear from its eye and joined Zack, who was gazing at the bumcam screen.
Together they watched as the Great White Bum descended towards an enormous jagged smoking gash in the ground. They felt like they were looking directly down into the very bowels of the earth.
It was not a pretty sight.
Suddenly Zack’s thoughts flashed back to his traumatic experiences inside the bumcano.
The brown lake.
The maggots.
The Great White Bum.
The match.
The gas.
The death stink.
The explosion.
But this was worse.
The sheer enormity of the Crack of Doom made the brown lake look like a harmless puddle.
The Great White Bum set Robobum down gently. ‘Destination reached,’ said Robobum. ‘Prepare for wedding ceremony.’
Zack and Eleanor looked across the room at each other. In a desperate mission already packed with danger, they both knew that this was the most dangerous part of all.
They looked at the screen.
And gasped.
Giant brown blobs were flying in all directions.
They were surrounded by thousands of Great White Bums.
Hundreds of thousands of Great White Bums.
Hundreds of thousands of Great White Bums involved in a free-for-all riot.
Somehow Robobum—no matter how technologically advanced—didn’t seem like much protection against an entire colony of Great White Bums.
CHAPTER 70
TEARS
‘Here we are,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘The Crack of Doom. My home. My subjects. Your subjects-to-be.’
As the Great White Bum said this, all the Great White Bums immediately stopped their fighting and turned to their master. A ripple of excitement ran through the crowd.
‘As you already know, our departure time is soon—very soon—but first I have an announcement,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘After a lifetime of searching for a bum as great and as white as myself I have finally found her. She is to be my wife and your Queen. A fitting way to start our new world order!’
There was a roar of approval from the bums.
‘Come, my bride,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘Give me your hand. It is time for us to be married.’
Robobum obediently extended her hand.
‘What do you think we should do?’ said Eleanor. ‘Should we detonate the nuclear wart-head?’
‘No,’ said Zack. ‘It’s still too early. We have to slow things down. If the marriage happens too quickly they’ll leave before the arseteroid hits. We have to stall for as long as possible until it’s too late for the bums to evacuate. We need to make sure the Great White Bum is underneath that arseteroid.’
‘How do I do this?’ said Robobum, using her inside voice.
‘Tell him you can’t get married without a dress,’ said Eleanor’s bum.
‘Great idea,’ said Eleanor. ‘And flowers!’
‘And music!’ said Zack’s bum.
Robobum turned to the Great White Bum. ‘I’m really very excited about getting married,’ she said, sweetly. ‘But I need a dress. And flowers. And music.’
‘But, my dear,’ said the Great White Bum, flushing crimson with impatience. ‘We must get married now. Dresses and flowers and music . . . these things take time to prepare. Time that we can barely afford, my darling. We must be off the planet before the arsetero
id strikes. There is less time than you think.’
Suddenly the bum-fighters were thrown to the ground as huge tremors shook Robobum.
‘What’s happening?’ said Zack, desperately trying to find something to grab onto.
‘I don’t know,’ said Eleanor. ‘If I didn’t know that Robobum was just a machine I’d say she was . . . she was crying.’
‘Crying?’ said Zack. ‘But that’s impossible. She can’t . . . unless . . . hang on . . . that’s brilliant!’
‘What?’ said Eleanor. ‘What’s brilliant?’
‘Listen!’ said Zack. ‘She’s pretending.’
‘Don’t cry, my sweet,’ said the Great White Bum, patting Robobum gently. ‘Please don’t cry. Of course you shall have these things. Anything you desire will be yours. A beautiful dress. The best flowers that have evolved so far, and music so sweet you’ll think it was blown from the cheeks of the bum-angels themselves.’
The Great White Bums stood motionless, staring at the sight of their Queen-to-be sobbing.
‘Well?’ said the Great White Bum to his subjects. ‘What are you oafs waiting for?’ He pointed at three bums. ‘You, you and you! Get my Queen a dress, flowers and music. Hop to it!’
‘Great!’ said Zack, excited at the success of their plan. ‘That should keep them busy for ages. It should be near impossible to find those things in this world.’
‘Yes, good work, Robobum,’ said Eleanor. ‘You’re a smooth operator.’
‘Smooth operator?’ said Robobum. ‘What is “smooth operator”?’
‘Using tears to get the Great White Bum to do what you want!’ said Eleanor.
‘Using tears?’ said Robobum. ‘I wasn’t “using” them . . . I was really upset. I want my wedding to be special.’
‘Of course,’ said Zack, shooting a look of concern at Eleanor. ‘Of course! What bum wouldn’t?’
‘Thank you, Zack,’ said Robobum. ‘I only wish my creator, Ned Smelly, was alive to give me away. He was like a father to me.’ Robobum started to cry again.
‘Yes,’ said Zack, worried at how seriously Robobum seemed to be taking the wedding. ‘I’m sure Ned would have liked that.’
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