And it’s from Hayden's POV…
Hayden's POV- Final Epilogue
I realize that you probably can't connect with me; that through Jade's eyes you see me as a cold and aloof man--a dispassionate person who only regards Jade as a possession. Someone who is used to getting what he wants, at any cost.
You're only partially correct.
I am a man who knows what he wants, and goes after it until it's mine, no argument there. But that's not to say that I don't appreciate what is mine, and that I don't take proper care of my possessions, because that is not accurate.
I don't regard Jade as a possession; people can't be owned, we all know that, but she is mine and I do see to her needs as best I can.
Do I love Jade?
Love is such a fleeting emotion , and , despite those that will tell you differently, it isn't a static one, but rather a very dynamic one. As one experiences life and maturity, it is only natural that one's perspective of love transitions as well. And despite what you’ve been told, love is not unconditional. Anyone who insists that it is, well, they're full of shit.
Let’s just say that I appreciate Jade very much. I respect her as a human being. And, most importantly, I am grateful for Jade. It is not all about my needs or my pleasures or my agenda as you might be inclined to believe. Her happiness and contentment are paramount to me. Every bit as much as my wife's needs are important to me. No--that’s not true. Jade’s happiness is more important to me than my wife’s and I think it’s because of the fact that she is the polar opposite of Emily.
Jade is most likely the woman I would’ve wooed, romanced and taken to be my wife had I have had a choice in the matter. But that’s not how things happen within the East Coast aristocracy that still exists.
So, you see, I don't take her for granted. We've been together long enough that I can sense when things are troubling her. Not that she is one to complain, because that simply isn't her style. Jade is appreciative of me, and sometimes I wonder how that can possibly be.
I'm a man who is not only keenly aware of, but has also ultimately come to terms with my emotional deficiencies and lack of affection when it comes to other human beings.
Maybe it's a result of having been born and raised in a family of wealth, where feelings were locked inside stone fortresses, and expression was not welcomed or appreciated.
As the oldest of two, my brother, Landon, being ten years younger than myself, I had received a decade's worth of instruction and reinforcement of exactly what my parents' expectations were for me before he had even arrived on the scene.
By the time he did, my parents were satisfied that I was well on my way to success, and it became obvious that I was the designated heir apparent, so Landon was off the hook. His formative years were less complicated as a result and, from all indications, much happier.
I can't complain. I've lived a life of wealth and opportunity, and those ideals and ethics ingrained in me at an early age, served to get me where I am today.
My brother Landon?
Yeah, he plays a lot of golf, takes family vacations and lives a much simpler life than I do. But that has more to do with birth order and less to do with choice.
Getting back to Jade, I understand what life has dealt her and it had been cruel. No matter how beautiful she is, in her own mind, it will never be enough. She's not so different than me in that respect. She's living out her mother's hopes and dreams for her--all well-meant of course, but not of her choosing.
Jade has settled, the same way that I have settled. But the thing is, I care enough for her and about her that I will do whatever I need to do to ensure that she's happy and content.
That means I not only have had to read between the lines of what she says to me, but I also have to dissect the unsaid, which is no easy task with her. She's simply not one to complain, or to appear ungrateful or unfulfilled. She doesn't play it that way, and never has.
So, now we get to the crux of my story. Nearly a year ago, I had sensed a subtle change in Jade's demeanor. Though she never verbalized it, her body language and her avoidance of discussing it had been my biggest clue.
And then there had been the secret computer she had purchased.
Yeah, that had been the most obvious signal of her detachment and discontentment. She knew that there was no reason why she had to purchase anything secretly; all she had to do was buy it, and I paid the monthly credit card bill.
So obviously, there had been a reason why she made this particular purchase covertly. She must've purchased it from cash withdrawals made a little bit at a time. She knew damn well I would've questioned large cash withdrawals, because that is simply my nature.
I concluded that she must have had something she felt compelled to hide from me.
Oh, she had no clue that I knew about it, but part of my obsession with Jade had been to make sure I was always aware of what she was doing when I wasn't around.
I had inadvertently rifled through her bedside drawer one morning while she was in the shower, looking for nail clippers when I discovered the wireless hot spot. Since she had consistently refused my offer of a home computer, I found it odd.
The only electronics Jade owned were her smart phone and her e-reader, both of which were covered on my cell phone plan. Why then did she require a separate hot spot?
I had powered the device only to discover she had used 2 GB's of a 6 GB monthly plan. A plan she apparently had been paying in cash on her own.
Two days later, while Jade and I were out to dinner, one of my associates combed through her condo and discovered the secret laptop.
Within a day, I was tracking her Internet movements and quickly discovered that my instincts had been on target. Jade was restless, lonely, and unfulfilled in some incomprehensible way.
She had been visiting some on-line chat room called "Owners of a Lonely Heart." Looking for something, or maybe someone to make her life complete.
Of course, I had been dismayed at the idea of losing her, and it became apparent to me that I must somehow find a way to fill whatever void in her life had prompted this erratic behavior.
That is when I assumed the identity of "Adam."
Yes, I am Adam. The not quite thirty investment counselor at some bogus firm in Chicago living the dream of Corporate America, and being too focused on his career and the stray dog he's adopted to cultivate a relationship outside of an Internet chat room with Pressley Patterson, Jade’s pseudonym or alter ego, the latter being a more accurate description.
Pathetic?
It depends.
Are you referring to me or to Adam?
I saw no harm in creating this persona, or alter ego if you prefer, in order to keep Jade company when her married lover could not. And yes, it was no surprise that in Jade’s description of said lover, he came across as ambivalent and detached, and emotionally inattentive.
I actually found myself looking forward to our secret Internet trysts. It offered me the rare opportunity of getting inside her head, and with Adam, it became obviously apparent that she had no reservations about sharing her innermost thoughts and feelings.
And dreams. I became almost jealous of Adam in that respect, as ridiculous as it sounds because, obviously, I was him, but still the fact that she opened up so much to a stranger was puzzling.
Had I always been so distant and aloof with her that she felt always on guard? Was I unapproachable? I thought back and realized that I had never encouraged her to open up about anything. I had never even entertained the notion that she may have insecurities or cause for concern where our relationship was concerned. I learned so much more about the woman I’d been involved with for more than three years as a stranger than as the active participant in the relationship. How sad and pathetic is that?
I can only blame myself. But there’s time for that later, I suppose. Some of the things I learned have given me cause for concern.
You see, during some of these chats Pressley confided to Adam that she had d
reams of marriage, maybe even having a child or two. She talked of breaking things off with Hayden, not only because she knew she would never have either of those things with him, but also because of people getting hurt and the wrongness of how she lived. It clearly tormented her and, again, she had never shown any outward signs of this to me.
Adam simply listened and consoled, never judging but being punished nonetheless by her words that were the sad truth that she couldn't--or wouldn't share with her lover.
I had printed out the chat conversations between her and Adam, and I had studied them again and again, allowing her emotions to sweep over me until finally I knew what had to be done.
I couldn't lose Jade. I loved her. But I'd never told her that because it was something I didn't do; I never had. Not with any woman, not even my wife, and until I became involved with Jade, I had held no certainty that love was an emotion that I would ever allow myself to feel.
But it couldn’t be helped.
The heart wants what the heart wants and, yes, I know how pathetically trite and overused that sounds. I have no other way of explaining it though.
It wasn't because I couldn't say the words--that was the easy part; it was because, up until this point, I had never felt like saying them. Not until the reality hit me that Jade might leave, that I could very well lose her, and that if that happened, I would have no one to blame other than myself.
My marriage was a business venture; a joining of portfolios if you will. Emily and I both understood that going into it because our families had been adamant that it was a merger made in heaven. Emily's family was old money. Her great-grandfather had been an entrepreneur, migrating to the U.S. through Ellis Island during the tail end of the second Industrial Revolution. He had held patents on seven different machine tools, which had brought millions to the family coffers post World War I.
So, yes, money had been the driving force of our marriage, but that was the same impetus for my parents' marriage and her parents' marriage. It's not a unique thing among families of wealth on the East Coast.
And up until the day I had first seen Jade, I honestly hadn’t strayed from my vows. There had been no reason to do so. Emily met my needs, and though I suspected that she had strayed a time or two during our years together, I hadn’t been particularly bothered by it because she was discreet. And let’s face it, I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that she had emotional needs that weren’t being met. I knew that but, hell, I believed it was simply a female characteristic: the need for intimacy, closeness, and attentiveness. That had been my own short-sightedness, my male macho perspective I guess.
Eventually, I learned that those human needs are not restricted only to females, the only difference being that man are reluctant to admit that they have the same need for emotional fulfillment. Yeah, I guess Jade put me in touch with my feminine side. That’s about as humorous as I get, just so you know.
Okay, so now I’m just stalling because what comes next I’m sure that you will think is despicable of me, but rewind. Remember the two most important things you’ve learned so far about me:
I’m a man who gets what he wants, and I keep what I have.
Jade is precious to me. I won’t let her go, nor will I allow her to be unfulfilled or unhappy.
So, having said that, and with all I’ve learned about Jade through the many cyber chats between Pressley and Adam in “Owner’s of a Lonely Heart,” I set out to make sure that her needs were going to be met. Anything is possible when you love and treasure another human being.
I couldn’t give her marriage. Clearly, that is out of the question for the reasons stated above. But perhaps I could help with the other dream she spoke about; she wanted to be a mother.
I had a vasectomy after the birth of our last child, Simone. Having a reversal isn’t an option--not one that I even entertained. But there was another way.
Being the person that I am and, yes, controlling adequately describes it best, I am very much in tune with Jade’s cycles. I also knew who I could approach, with nothing less than a hefty bribe and a full disclosure tossed in for good measure to get the job done.
My oldest son, Aaron, and I have been estranged for several years. The reason for the estrangement is not important. Strike that, yes, it is important in a way I suppose. You see, Aaron is the product of an…indiscretion I had prior to my marriage to Emily. We had been engaged for more than a year, and I was finishing up my Master’s degree at Stanford. We were at opposite sides of the country, and I carried on a short term affair with a fellow student named Caroline.
To make a rather long--and painful story short, Caroline ended up pregnant and had no inclination to raise the child. I, on the other hand, did not want a scandal or some type of blackmail to surface later on down the road. I immediately confided my indiscretion to my father, and the family attorneys handled the legalities with respect to having Caroline sign over her rights to the yet unborn child.
Emily was forgiving, but only because it was in her best interest to be so. She moved to the West Coast, where we eloped. A year and a half later, we returned to Boston with our first born son, Aaron, for all to see and accept as being a product of our marriage.
The problem was that Emily could never really accept him as her own, and that became even more apparent after the birth of Patrick and Simone. It was obvious to me and, eventually, it became obvious to Aaron. He was sent away to a good boarding school at the age of twelve, and then onto college. Finally, while he was in college, I was compelled to tell him the truth. It had angered him that I had waited so long to reveal something that I had hoped I would never have to explain to him.
He became even angrier when I had refused to reveal his birth mother’s identity. We became estranged after that and, once I realized that Adam might be the answer to the dilemma I had with Jade, I concocted a plan that would give him what he wanted and, also, to give Jade what she desired.
I approached Aaron with a plan. I divulged everything to him relative to my relationship with Jade. Of course, there was no love lost between Aaron and Emily, so when I explained the full extent of what I needed from him, he had only minor hesitation before agreeing to it.
“What if it doesn’t happen though?” he had asked.
“I will still hold up my end of the bargain,” I had assured him. And with that, my son had agreed to travel to San Pedro and be “Adam” for a night of passion with my Jade and to hopefully, impregnate her with his seed. In return, I agreed to provide him with his birth mother’s name, as well as her current location so that he could meet her, which is all he had really wanted.
To minimize as much risk as possible that Jade would not conceive over the holiday interlude, I had contacted her gynecologist, Dr. Maxwell, and set up a meeting with him. I lined his pockets well and, in return, he provided me with a fertility drug to slip Jade, which would maximize her chances of conception. Everything had been put into place.
Afterwards, when I picked her up at the airport, I had seen how much Adam’s swift and mysterious departure had affected her. I hadn’t considered that in the scheme of things. Had she actually fallen in love with Adam?
And if so, which one?
The one that had corresponded with her for a year on that Internet chat room? Or the Adam that had bedded her in San Pedro using compromised condoms? Was this to be my torment for coming up with such a duplicitous plan?
Weeks went by but the nagging questions and concerns still lingered in my mind. My conscience had never been pricked like this before, and with that came the realization that maybe it was because I had never truly loved a woman before, at least not the way that I loved Jade.
Aaron had contacted me the same day that I had received the phone call from Dr. Maxwell, letting me know that Jade was, in fact, pregnant. I hadn’t said a word to him about it. There was no need. I still was holding my breath, I needed to see what Jade was going to do with the knowledge that she was pregnant.
Aaron had told me that he had
contacted Caroline. She had wanted to meet him, and they had met in Salt Lake City, where she now resides. As it turns out, Caroline, long married now, has had no other children. She was delighted that Aaron had sought her out, and she received him very appreciatively. Maybe this had been a good move, if nothing else, for that closure coming into place.
Two days have now gone by and I am waiting for Jade to come out of her room. We have dinner plans, and my stomach is in knots because I need to know how she is feeling about the pregnancy. I’ve been overly attentive to her since the holidays, which has been not only to assuage the guilt I’ve been feeling, but also seems to have made Jade happier and content, at least up until a couple of days ago.
“I’m ready, Hayden,” she says softly, coming out into the living room. “I’m sorry to have kept you waiting, but I’m just a bit tired today for some reason.”
I look at her and my eyes penetrate hers, wishing like hell she felt comfortable enough to trust me with her secret. She’s afraid of me, that can be the only reason.
But why?
I’ve never raised a hand to her. I’ve not even spoken harshly to her that I can recall.
“Hayden, what is it?” she asks, frowning.
I’m pulled from my thoughts by her voice. “You look different,” I blurt. “Something is different about you, Jade, and I can’t put my finger on it.”
She is startled by my words. She shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other, and I don’t miss the fact she’s biting her lower lip in apprehension. “I have a question that I’ve been putting off asking you, Hayden. And maybe more than a question, I guess,” her voice trailing off dejectedly.
“Let’s start with the question,” I reply, studying her carefully.
She looks up at me, hesitating just momentarily. “Did…you, I mean after your vasectomy--did you go back to your doctor and have yourself tested?”
I swallow. “Do you mean my sperm count?”
She nods.
“I did not,” I lie, not taking my eyes from her. She visibly relaxes, and her eyes close for a moment. “Is there more?”
Jaded (WTF? Series Book 1) Page 5