by Nona j. Moss
March 11
My dad found me a car today! Sadly, I have to wait until next week to get it. I am pretty excited about it though! It is a two-door 2005 Dodge Neon. It is red with charcoal interior. I am already in love with it. I cannot wait for next week to come.
March 12
Things are really starting to feel normal around here. Maybe I am just getting used to it?
Mandi is a really cool person. The more I get to know her, the more I like her. She has an awesome sense of humor. I love the nineties music she listens to. We read the same kind of books. And she has even shown me the right way to wear makeup. I always wanted my mom to be like that. You know, that whole mother-daughter bonding thing? I think we made cookies together, when I was like six. We’ve been shopping together of course, but it was never just fun.
I really like having my little brother and sister around all of the time. They act like it is the most wonderful thing in the world every time I walk into the room. They hang on to every word I say, and love it when I read their Dr. Seuss books to them. Every night they wait for me to tuck them into bed.
At night when Mandi is bathing the twins and getting them ready for bed, I spend time with my dad. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we watch TV or play checkers. It’s comfortable though, you know? It just feels so right.
March 15
I get my car tomorrow! I was so excited when I heard that I started jumping up and down and screaming. The twins thought that was so funny that they joined in.
Cody just got here; we are on our way to church. I was just so excited, that I thought I should write it down now! I will continue my story later…
Six
March 25
It has been ten days since that horrible night. Ten days since my world crumbled, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. It has been ten days since my life ended.
I have been unfaithful to you, Dear Journal, because I could not bear to think. And I knew if I opened you, it would be to spill the rest of my broken heart.
It was so awful; I will never forget it as long as I live. It is fresh in my mind every waking hour. The memories invade my dreams, whenever I close my eyes.
It was Wednesday, March 15, and Cody picked me up for church. I was bursting with excitement that night because I would be getting my car the next day. Cody and I walked to his car holding hands, and he kissed my nose as he held the door for me.
“You are absolutely beautiful when you are excited, love,” he said as he climbed behind the wheel.
“You know, Cody, I actually feel kind of beautiful lately,” I said, and I really meant it, too.
Church ended around seven thirty, and Cody suggested we go out for ice cream. It was just dark outside, and I smiled at my reflection in the window. Cody was holding my hand, rubbing his thumb over my fingers.
I was thinking about how wonderful everything was going. I was finally completely happy, and I was enjoying the feeling. I was thinking maybe I would stay at my dad’s house until I finished school.
That was when my phone rang. “Don’t answer it, Nikki,” Cody said suddenly. I didn’t recognize the number; it wasn’t one I had programmed into the phone. I told him that. “Maybe you should let them leave a message?” he asked.
I pushed the button. “Hello?”
“Nichole, where in the hell are you?” It was Lisa.
My blood went cold, and my grip tightened around Cody’s fingers. “Lisa? What’s wrong?”
“I’m just leaving your mom’s house, behind an ambulance. Your mom is on her way to the hospital. She’s in bad shape, Nichole, I suggest you meet me there.”
The phone dropped from my hand. “Oh my God.”
“Nikki, what’s wrong?” he sounded far away.
“Hospital,” I whispered. “My mom.”
“Oh no,” he said. “Don’t worry, we’re going.” He sped the car up, causing me to fall back against the seat. I watched him push buttons on my phone. The green light made his face look odd.
“Mandi? It’s Cody. We’re on our way to the hospital. Something has happened to Nikki’s mom.”
I didn’t catch the rest of the conversation, because Lisa’s words were echoing in my ears.
“She’s in bad shape, Nichole.”
What did that mean? Why did she hang up on me like that?
I looked up and saw my reflection in the window. I wasn’t smiling anymore; tears were running down my cheeks. The world moved past the window at an alarming speed.
Cody raised my hand to his lips and kissed every one of my fingers. I’ve always loved it when he does that. I have never been touched by someone so gentle.
Raindrops started falling on the windshield. Just a couple at first, and then what seemed like buckets. Cody let off the gas a little, but we were still flying. I noticed he had his hazard lights on. We were on a country road, and there were no cars in sight.
But country roads can be deceiving. And so can the rain.
We climbed a huge hill. Cody had to be going at least seventy miles an hour when we reached the top.
That’s when I saw the car. “Cody, stop!” I screamed. He tapped the breaks. His car started fishtailing, the tires squealing. The car in front of us got closer and closer. It was almost like it was standing still, but that didn’t seem possible. Why would a car be parked right in the middle of a road like that?
I threw my hands in front of my face and screamed. The sound of metal meeting metal filled the air. I heard the windshield shatter, and glass poured down on me like hail. And then I was flying through the air.
The last thing I heard before the world went black I will never forget. My blood froze and my heart stopped beating as Cody’s scream filled the night.
When I came to, there were voices and flashes of light. I could hear sirens far away. Rain was falling in my face, and as I sat up I wiped my hand across my forehead. Pain pierced my head, and I could feel the gash on my forehead.
Cody. Where was Cody? Why wasn’t he beside me? And then I remembered that awful scream. That is when my heart shattered. I got to my hands and knees and crawled on the muddy earth. I was in a ditch, and I could see the car on the side of the road. The car was upside down. I could see two people standing beside the car. Rain and blood were running into my eyes, my whole body hurt.
Somehow I made it out of the ditch. I crawled towards Cody’s car, searching through the rain. And as I got closer I saw him.
I screamed.
I pushed myself to my feet, and ran towards him. Pain shot through my right leg, almost dropping me to the ground again. The two men rushed towards me. One of them was wearing a police uniform. He reached out for me. “Miss? Are you okay?” he asked. “Sit down here; we have an ambulance on the way.” I shoved past him. Cody was right in front of me. He was on the ground, not moving. His face was turned away from me. Most of his body was trapped under the car.
And I knew. I just knew. I dropped to my knees, and cradled his head in my lap. “No!” I screamed. “No, no, no!” Rain was falling onto his beautiful face, or maybe it was my tears. The police officer knelt down beside me. He was speaking, but my brain wouldn’t register what he was saying.
Suddenly the night was pierced with screaming sirens. The ambulance screeched to a halt, not far from Cody’s overturned car. The sound of the tires brought back the moment of impact. It also brought back Cody’s petrified scream.
There were people everywhere. Two paramedics were pulling me away from Cody. I kicked and fought them for all I was worth, but they were much stronger than me. They put me on a stretcher and lifted me into an ambulance. I felt a prick in my arm, and then the world went black again.
“Nikki?” It sounded a zillion miles away. “Nikki, can you hear me?”
It seemed to take forever to force my eyes open. They felt like they were super glued shut. My head weighed a ton, and my throat burned. As soon as I opened my eyes, bright light pierced my head. I squeezed them shut.
“Nikki,
open your eyes. It’s okay.”
Who was that? I forced my eyes open, just enough to see who was there. It was a doctor. I tried to bring my hand to my face, but it wouldn’t move. Mandi was beside me, holding my hand.
Mandi reached out and touched my cheek, and I started crying. I knew where I was; I remembered how I got there. Mandi squeezed past the doctor and wrapped me in her arms.
“Oh, Nikki, I am so sorry,” she whispered.
I saw my dad over Mandi’s shoulder. He was doing something I had never seen him do. He was crying.
“Daddy?” I whispered. And he was there. The three of us were wrapped together for a long time.
They released me a couple of hours later. My left wrist was sprained, and my right leg was fractured. I also had seven stitches high on my forehead. They must have run every possible test on me. The doctor wanted to keep me overnight for observation, but Mandi explained to him that my mother was also in the hospital, and I needed to see to her. He gave me a prescription for a sedative and reluctantly let me go.
My mom was in the Intensive Care Unit. Dad, Mandi, and I went there together. The nurses only wanted to let us in one at a time, but Mandi convinced them to let her go with me.
Mom was in a little room that was congested with machines and hoses. She seemed to be hooked up to almost all of them. As soon as we walked in, Lisa jumped out of a chair.
She looked really angry until she saw me. “Oh my God, Nikki, what happened?”
“Not right now, please,” Mandi said. “Tell us what is going on here.”
“Alcohol poisoning,” Lisa said. “She called me tonight and begged me to go to the club with her. As I am sure you know, she has been overdoing it a lot lately, so I made some stupid excuse. Well around six thirty, I started feeling bad because I knew she didn’t believe me. I thought I would just stop in and hang out with her at home for a while. I tried to call her a couple of times, but she wasn’t answering the phone, so I went over there. At first I was relieved, because her car was parked in the driveway. I figured she was just being mean and not answering the phone. After I knocked on the door a few times, I started to worry. I dug out my key and let myself in.
“I found your mom on the couch. There were probably three or four of those big bottles of rum she likes laying on the floor. When I first saw her, I thought she was just passed out. It kind of made me sick, seeing her like that, and I almost just left. Something made me decide to stay, though. I tried to wake her up a few times, but she wouldn’t budge. She had no idea at all that I was there. That’s when I noticed her breathing. It was really slow, almost like she wasn’t breathing at all sometimes. And her face was starting to look kind of blue.
“I called 911 and waited for the ambulance. I kept trying to wake her up, but nothing worked. I was afraid to move away from her for even a second. I couldn’t even look for your number.
“By the time the paramedics arrived, your mom had stopped breathing. They brought her back twice tonight, Nikki. As soon as they got her here, they pumped her stomach. They told me her blood alcohol level was almost 0.50, which is like the highest. She is very lucky to be alive. If I hadn’t gone over there when I did, if I had just walked out of there because I thought she was just passed out, she would be dead.”
I heard everything Lisa said, but I could not bring myself to go to my mother. Even knowing she had been that close to death, I could not even rest my eyes on her face.
This was her fault. It was because she drank too much that I was here. It was her drinking that put her in that bed, with all of those tubes. It was because of her drinking that Cody was dead.
I turned my back on them all and walked out of the room. I went to the waiting room and sat beside my dad. He didn’t ask me any questions, and I laid my head on his shoulder.
I asked God to forgive me for feeling this way toward my mom. I asked Him to help me see it any other way.
Mandi came and took us home. She sat beside me for two days, as I did nothing but cry.
On the third day, Mandi pulled me out of bed and forced me into the bathtub. She sat beside me and washed my hair. I sat on her vanity stool and let her brush my hair and put makeup on me.
“Someone is coming to see you today, Nikki,” she said finally.
I looked at her. I hadn’t said a word since I left the hospital. I wasn’t even sure I would be able to if I tried.
“Trish is coming to see you, Nikki. She has been waiting for days and she insisted today.” Mandi was watching me closely. “Trish is in pain, too, Nikki. She has had a bad three days, too. Tomorrow is Cody’s funeral, and she wants to talk to you today.”
She must have seen the panic in my eyes because she sat down beside me and put her arm around my shoulders. “I know this is hard for you, honey, but you have to be strong. And today I need you to be strong for Trish. Can you do that for me?”
I was sitting on the front porch when Trish arrived. Mark was with her, and he helped her out of the car. They came right up the steps to me. I was sitting on the porch swing, with my fractured leg propped on a stool. Mark sat on one side of me, and Trish sat on the other. For a while, no one said anything. Trish grabbed my hand and held it tightly. Mark was patting my knee.
“It’s not your fault this happened,” Mark said finally. I looked up at him, and his eyes were full of tears.
“I loved him,” I said. My voice was weak, and my throat was sore.
“We love him, too,” Trish whispered. “And we love you, Nikki. I know how much Cody loved you, Nikki. You were his world. You have to be content with that, because that’s what you have to do.”
Mark grabbed my other hand. “You have got to stop blaming yourself for this.”
“It was my mom’s fault,” I said softly. “It was my mom and her stupid rum.”
“It was his time,” Trish said. “How I hate to say that—he was so young. I know God does nothing without a reason, though, and He had a reason to take Cody from us. I can live with that, Nikki. I love him so much that it is a physical ache. Imagine how beautiful he looks up there in heaven, though. Can you imagine?”
We were quiet for a few minutes, all lost in our own special memories. What a strong person Trish must be. She was grieving, too, but in such a different way.
“We would like to have you at the funeral tomorrow,” Mark said. “We need you there with us.”
“We need you there beside us, Nikki,” Trish whispered. “It’s where you belong. Will you come, please?”
I looked up in their faces, and I knew that they meant it. “Yes.”
The funeral was awful. It was a cold and cloudy day; the wind was blowing hard. There were so many people at the funeral home; some of them couldn’t even get inside.
Pastor Jim did the service, and he was very emotional. It was the first time I had ever seen him without a smile on his face. He said the same thing Trish had said, about God taking Cody for a reason. I guess I just don’t understand the reason.
My whole body was numb as I stood beside Trish. She held my hand through the entire graveside service. I tried to force myself to be as strong as she was. I tried to hold my head high, even as the tears dropped from my cheeks.
When they lowered the casket into the ground, I fainted. I am told that Mark carried me to Mandi’s van.
That was six days ago.
My mother was released from the hospital four days ago. I have not seen her, although I know she has spoken to Mandi a couple of times. I am not ready to see her yet. I am not ready to forgive her.
Mandi tells me my mom is trying. Apparently she learned her lesson about drinking. She is now taking medication to keep her from drinking. Something called Antabuse, which makes you physically sick if you mix it with alcohol.
She wants to see me, but I don’t know why. Doesn’t she know how I feel about her? Maybe someday I will forgive her. Someday this pain will not be so fresh. I know I will have to see her. I hope I will be strong on that day.
I pr
ay God will give me strength. I pray He will help me forgive my mother. Now I even pray she will get the right help and stay sober. And then maybe we can get together, and I can understand all that has happened. I will take the time then to let her know how I feel.
I will do these things for Cody, Trish, and even Mandi. I will do it for my mother. I will do it because I am strong.
Epilogue
It has been three months since Cody died. It has been two days since I finished reading the journal. And it has been only one day since my mother read it.
We are sitting on a blanket in the back yard, sharing a picnic lunch. It is the first picnic my mother and I have ever had. Although things are hard for us, we will make the best of it. We talk about the weather or music, anything that isn’t personal. It is working for us for now. We will have plenty of time for serious stuff later.
Let me tell you how we got here, on the blanket in the back yard. When I finished reading the journal, it was very late. The house was quiet; Mom was in bed. I was going to the kitchen when I heard a noise.
I tiptoed to my mom’s bedroom door. I could hear her in there, and she was crying. For a minute fear grounded me to the floor. Was she sick again? Was she hallucinating? I took a deep breath and forced myself to open the door. I could see her on her bed, her face buried in a pillow.
“Mom?”
She sat up. “Nikki, what’s wrong?”
“I heard you crying. Are you okay?”
She sighed. “Yes, I’m alright. I just get stressed out sometimes, you know?” Yeah, I knew. “Would you like some hot chocolate or something?” she asked, getting off of the bed.
“Sure, Mom, that sounds nice.” She went to the kitchen, and I went to my room and grabbed my journal. We sat and shared small talk for a while. It was kind of nice.
“I’m really trying, Nikki,” she said suddenly.