It never occurred to him that she might feel left out. But it did occur to her that Albert, who was on her right, had Stephanie to his right, too. Was he really turning more and more frequently towards Stephanie, or was it just her imagination? The imagination of one insecure woman in her 40s who had just woken up and realized her life was out of control…
What am I doing here? It was a bad time to ask because suddenly she realized Albert was more than flushed and happy, he was drunk, too. Oh no…not again. Her whole life seemed to come tumbling down on her head. Her heart beat – boom, boom, boom – loud and strange in her chest.
What would Irene say? Pebble wasn’t in doubt. She would just stand here – if she was here – with her hands planted firmly on her broad hips and say (without batting an eyelash), you asked for this yourself, Pebble…A lot of good knowing what Irene would say does me…
A volcano of emotions exploded inside Pebble.
Her mind did somersaults and on the big screen behind her eyes unkind messages flashed menacingly. Why did I have to travel so far to realize that I’m my own worst enemy? Me and nobody else? Me and not 42 other people and most of all not Albert. It’s not his fault that I’m out of control…Maybe I just never wanted to admit it…maybe it was always too scary.
Pebble almost turned green with envy when she saw Albert’s strong muscular arm on the back of Stephanie’s chair. He was leaning towards her, directing the full, hot blast of his manhood into her every pore. Obviously enjoying his attention, she laughed huskily and tossed her young head so her jet black hair fell gracefully on her full bosom. God, she’s pretty. Can’t blame him for liking her. Stephanie’s red mouth was full and open, her young lips warm and sensual. The image of Albert holding those young perfect thighs returned from the beach to haunt her once more.
She wished she could disappear from her life.
This can’t be me.
She wished she was sober, instead of sloshing around in the strong red wine they’d shared. It was a mistake. Everything was a mistake. I don’t belong here.
She stared down at the crumbs on the table before her.
In an attempt to save the situation, Gilbert (who was sober enough to figure out what was going on and who probably didn’t want his daughter getting involved with an older man anyway) motioned for the check. “Pebble,” he struggled in broken English, “we go for a walk, non?”
Pebble appreciated his wanting to help.
“I would dearly love to see the moon.” She knew it was almost full. I wonder if he thinks his daughter’s a virgin? It was obvious she wasn’t, even a doting father should be able to see that. That is, if he wants to.
“The moon…ah…la lune, mais oui…” He spoke rapidly to Claudine, Albert and Stephanie. They all nodded; then looked at Pebble as if they were considering a child who needed entertaining. I wonder what he said to them?
Even though the night was splendid, walking didn’t help.
Albert had his arm around Pebble on one side and around Stephanie on the other. As they walked towards the shoreline, he swayed from one woman to the other, humming merrily to himself. He sure is feeling good. Claudine and Gilbert followed in silence.
Pebble wished he would let go of her, but couldn’t seem to make it happen. The little voice inside said, You will be hammered until you do.
“Albert,” Pebble turned towards him and said, “let’s go back to our room, darling.”
“Back to our room?” He stopped, amazed by her suggestion, but didn’t let go of Stephanie. “The night is young, darling, are you tired?” She could see life pulsing hot in his veins.
Claudine and Gilbert, sensing danger, joined the discussion. Claudine spoke with a mother’s authority to her daughter who protested violently. Maybe she doesn’t want her daughter hanging out with a guy like Albert either. Smart woman. Gilbert looked uncomfortable. Stephanie, who had moved away from Albert, stood besides her mother, pouting. Her full red lips glimmered defiantly in the moonlight.
Albert, who seemed not to hear the discussion between Stephanie and Claudine, said, “Mes amis, let’s go down to Bill’s Bar for a nightcap.” Pebble wondered how he could be so unaware of the tension around him. Maybe he chooses not to see it. The moon was big and shiny in the night sky. It was still early.
Pebble stood still contemplating her fate as Albert approached her. When he stood directly before her, he placed both his hands on her shoulders. He might love me, but he’s a bum. She didn’t want to be around him anymore.
“I’ve got a headache…” the words spilled out of her mouth with infinite slowness. The eternal excuse; instead of saying to the bum – why are you acting like such a jerk? But she didn’t, because she couldn’t. Because in the final analysis, she was too civilized to do it.
“Oh poor you.” He fumbled in his pants pocket and pulled out the hotel key. “I’ll be back soon.”
She knew he wouldn’t.
“I just want to have a little nightcap with my friends, okay?” Pebble smiled pathetically, like a wet cat.
“A walk in the night air will do you good,” he continued, pointing towards their hotel on the hill overlooking the sea. Give me a break, will you please…I don’t need night air, I need consider-ation… She turned away from Albert and said goodnight to Claudine, Gilbert and Stephanie as politely as she could. I wish I’d never laid eyes on the three of you. But she knew in truth it wasn’t them. If it hadn’t been them, it would have been someone else. Then she walked away quickly, heading up the curvy road towards the hotel on the hill. She felt her anger everywhere. After a few minutes, she turned and looked back at them. They were headed in the other direction, down the hill towards Bill’s Bar and the crowded harbor. Albert had his arm around Stephanie once more, and now that Pebble wasn’t there, Stephanie leaned her head freely against Albert’s shoulder.
Tears welled up in Pebble’s eyes.
Just as Pebble was about to turn and continue on up the hill, the four figures stopped to talk. Pebble wondered what they could be talking about, until suddenly she understood perfectly. Claudine and Gilbert turned and started walking down the pathway that branched off to the right in the direction of their hotel. Albert and Stephanie, bodies close together, continued down the hill towards the milling crowds of vacationing tourists.
Damn them all to hell. The vision of Stephanie’s perfect golden thighs flashed vividly before Pebble’s eyes. Damn, damn, damn.
So he’s going to fuck her – so what?
The full weight of what she’d done with her life came crashing down on her head.
It’s not Albert, it’s me. It’s my screwed up life. I don’t care who he is or how drunk he gets or what problems he has…I’m just not inter-ested…I hate him…He can drink himself to death for all I care…and believe me, I couldn’t care less…It’s me I care about – me. It’s me I’ve got to care about. And all I know is I keep putting myself through this senseless anguish over and over again… She looked up at the sky with tears of rage in her eyes. Can somebody please tell me why?? Because that’s the rub – I can’t see it…I can’t fathom it…why do I keep doing this to myself, over and over again?
She turned and walked slowly towards the top of the hill, the white heat of determination flowing through her. The little voice inside said again: You’re going to keep hitting yourself over the head with the same hammer until you learn your lesson. Remember?
Where is Irene when I really need her?
Pebble felt the full weight of her aloneness in the universe when she realized that though Irene might not be walking right besides her, she was some place far more important – she’s inside me. Because she’s been there all along – a reflection of me. The clarity of her vision pierced her aching heart. So why am I standing all alone on top of this hill somewhere in Croatia, crying my eyes out? Does that make sense? But the little voice was right there: You’re going to keep hitting yourself over the head with the same hammer until you learn your lesson. Remember? She
wanted to scream shut up to the voice, but didn’t dare – the voice, after all, was inside.
Maybe I should thank him for treating me like shit and making me see what a fool I am…Maybe I needed somebody just like Albert in order to learn…maybe…well, obviously I needed somebody just like Albert because if it wasn’t Albert I needed I probably would have ended up with Luke or Jack. How come things are always so simple when you get them straight?
Pebble plopped herself down on a deserted bench on the hotel terrace and surveyed the panorama of sky and sea before her. Now that she was calmer, she felt the fires of freedom and courage burn hot inside her. For the first time in her life, she knew for sure she had it in her. I’m going to cultivate my own power because I am not only talented, I’m tough, too. Real tough. A big mean grin spread slowly across her well-lived face. It was a grin she’d never tried before. And I’m me. Yes I am. I’m me and I ain’t never going to be anyone else, ever again. I’m not going to be younger or prettier or braver or wiser either. Cause I’ve got what I’ve got and not a drop more. So it’s either use it or lose it, sister. The big mean grin spread wider and felt very comfortable on her face. Life is an adventure and this happens to be my very own personal adventure and I’m right smack in the middle of it, and you know what – I’m starting to like it and who I am, too.
So she sat there, free as a bird on the wing and liked herself mightily – maybe for the first time in her whole life. That was when she hit pay dirt, too – because right then and there Pebble knew exactly what she was going to do when she got back to Copenhagen. It was so obvious that all she could do was sit on the bench in the moonlight and laugh and laugh and laugh, and wonder why she hadn’t figured it out before.
Chapter 21
Albert came barging noisily into their hotel room at nine the next morning, just as Pebble was getting ready to leave. He caught her off guard, trying to stuff more clothes into the battered, navy-blue suitcase on the bed than it was meant to hold. She looked at him in shock. She forgot that he might suddenly turn up.
His face was flushed, and his luxurious, black hair fell forward onto his forehead, slightly unkempt; but he looked happy enough. Pebble could tell by his unsteady gait that he was still drunk.
Oh no… The realization made her tingle with fear.
“Pebble, what are you doing?” he asked cheerfully. Thank God he seems to be in such a good mood. Great, powerful beams of sunlight illuminated their room. The bright, blue Mediterranean sparkled outside their open windows.
Even though he seemed relaxed and happy, she found herself at a loss for words. Having made it through the night in perfect harmony with herself, she somehow forgot to consider the fact that Albert not only still shared this lovely hotel room with her, but that he had every right to turn up at any time and probably would do so again soon. After all, why shouldn’t he? For some mysterious reason, she failed to consider how the world must have looked to him when they went their separate ways the night before. She said she had a headache. He’d been politely and fittingly sorry about her headache, but decided no harm could come from going down to Bill’s Bar for a drink with his new friends. Nothing more had passed between them.
Unfortunately for Albert, Pebble wasn’t that kind of woman. Maybe he met her at a bad moment in her life. Or rather at a momentous moment in her life. But no matter how one looked at it, something inside Pebble had snapped that night, and in the process of snapping, which happens very fast when it happens, she’d written Albert off – once and for all. There was only one problem; Albert knew nothing about all this. While he was out having a good time his whole world changed. Up until 9 a.m. that morning, Albert had been innocently following his ordinary life script, doing what mountain men always do in his world when they came down from the heights to mingle with ordinary mortals and muck about in the perilous world of civilization – they go out and get drunk. So how could she expect him to understand that while he was out doing what he always did – that is, coping with a fearful world by trying to drown himself in booze – she turned from hot to cold. Maybe, if he’d been sober, he would have shook his head and smiled (because after all he was a kind man), remembering how temperamental Pebble Beach was at times. But drunk or sober, there was nothing in Albert’s world to prepare him for the fact that something final might have, could have, and in fact did happen. Something very final indeed.
Not only was Albert suddenly, irrevocably, a closed book for Pebble, but Pebble thought closing the book, and leaving him, just like that, was as good a way of dealing with the hurt of loving him as any other way she could figure out. Stop wasting your time and your life. Forget him. Forget all about it. Nothing you can ever do or say is going to change it anyway. The picture of him wandering off into the tender night – on their vacation – with a very young and very beautiful girl on his arm wasn’t easy to swallow. Even if he was a jerk and an alcoholic and a mountain man. She was too new at being divorced and too old to take him anymore. She had invested too much of her emotional life in him. Now all she wanted to do was blot him out of her existence forever.
“Albert?” The shock of his unexpected arrival threw her off balance.
“Planning on going somewhere?” He acted as if he was truly mystified by the sight of her suitcase on the bed. All she noticed was that he was standing before her, blocking her path towards the door.
When she didn’t reply, he said, “I thought you had a headache last night…?”
“Well…” She looked down at the floor, like a little girl who wasn’t good at lying. “Oh I don’t know…” But she knew that ‘I don’t know’ wasn’t good enough. Get your act together woman and grow up.
“It’s hard to explain, Albert,” she pulled herself up to her full height and forced herself to look him in the eye, “but I just had enough…that’s all.”
“Enough?” He swayed slightly. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh, Albert, you’ll never understand.”
“Understand what?”
“I don’t want to live like this…” her words hung like tiny crystals in the air between them.
“Like what, what are you talking about?”
She didn’t want to tell him, and besides, she couldn’t. All she wanted to do was get out of there.
“Look at me, Pebble…” The slight change in the tone of his voice sent a wave of panic through her. “Look at me…”
Suddenly, she was afraid.
She was standing right before him, watching him wallow slowly in the confusion she’d created in him. There was about a foot of hot, pulsing space between them.
Suddenly, he got it right. “So you are going to leave me…just like that?”
“Albert…” There was pleading in her voice – and fear. “You don’t understand…” As the tiny crystals, the fragile crystals of her words and thoughts crumbled, things were turned crystal clear. This is what happens when you’re not brought up to be independent…So tell me, Irene, now that I understand; what to do now…
“What don’t I understand?”
“You don’t understand anything…I’ve got things to do.” The minute she said those words, she knew she shouldn’t have. She tried desperately to calm herself. Anger will never get me out of here. She never wanted out so bad in her life before. He was still standing between her and the door. Her over-stuffed suitcase on the bed still wasn’t closed.
“Things to do…What do you mean?” The drunken slur in his voice grated harshly on her nerves. He swayed more than a little on his feet. The top two buttons of the beige shirt she’d given him for Christmas were undone. “What kind of a woman are you…anyway? You were going to run out on me without so much as a goodbye…” He stared at her with hurt, angry eyes. “Women are snakes…” he muttered. “That’s what Travis always said…and when I told you…you said you were different, but you’re not, you’re just like the rest of them…sneaking and lying…you bitch…I thought you were…but no, you’re a snake, too…” He sway
ed as he spoke.
Before she had time to fully realize what was happening, she saw his right arm moving through the dense air between them towards the right side of her head. I can’t believe this is happening to me – I can’t believe he’s going to hit me, but it was already too late to duck. He was that fast. A split second later, Pebble found herself on the floor, stunned, her right jaw aching from the force of his blow. His fist was clinched.
She moaned softly and edged slowly backwards towards the open door and the balcony beyond, trembling all over and holding her aching jaw. Her heart was pounding furiously.
When she saw him approaching her, she pleaded, tears streaming down her face, “Oh no, please don’t hurt me…”
He looked at her curiously, as if he was surprised at what had happened. Then he bent down slowly towards her as she cowered in fear. “Mon amour…” Suddenly he was by her side, stroking her hair gently. “Mon amour…”
Pebble shook like a leaf. God help me, please. She would have run if she could, but she couldn’t. He had her cornered. She didn’t like to think of what he would do if she displeased him further. He’s so strong.
“Ma chérie,” his voice was soft and kind. “Please forgive me, I didn’t mean to…” Tears of remorse welled up in his eyes. “But the thought of you leaving me…it was more than I could bear…”
She couldn’t speak, hating every inch of him. I’ll hate you till the day I die…if only you knew how much I hate you. Please God get me out of here. Please… Still she didn’t move. She didn’t dare. His drunken breath was all around her and his hands too were suddenly touching her everywhere. He fingered her jaw, where he had struck her, then went back to caressing her hair. “Does it hurt? Look at me Pebble, please.” But she couldn’t, wouldn’t. Everything inside her was pure hatred and fear. She was out of control, out of her head, in an uproar, still shaking like a leaf. No man had ever hit her before.
Adventures of Pebble Beach Page 22