The level of talent Zayn possessed was that of a professional. Zayn obviously wasn’t someone who felt obligated to blow anyone. This was a man who did this out of a love for the sport. He deep-throated like a porn star and bobbed like he didn’t need air to survive. Spencer’s hips kept chasing Zayn’s mouth, trying to get more. His ass automatically clenched as pleasure overcame him. The first spasm hit, and Zayn’s name tore from his throat. His body bowed. He felt something he never had before. Spencer couldn’t put a name to the emotion. All he knew was he wanted to hold Zayn as the last wisps of ecstasy still burned through him. He tugged Zayn higher and bit his bottom lip, demanding entry. Zayn’s weight squished him, and Spencer welcomed it. The way Zayn’s chest felt against Spencer’s gave Spencer life. He wanted to crawl beneath Zayn’s skin and touch his soul. More than anything, Spencer wanted to stay right here. He didn’t want to do anything else or be with anyone else. It was an addiction-like craving for more. He didn’t doubt the madness would pass. But for now, Spencer wasn’t going anywhere. Spencer had found heaven. He intended to stay.
Four
The happiness thrumming through Zayn had him walking in the clouds. Spencer left his laptop in Zayn’s car. He was starting to wonder if all this forgetfulness was purposeful. Zayn was on his way to see Spencer again. Returning the man’s property... again. He didn’t think it was a coincidence. After all, Zayn had pretended he hadn’t seen the laptop until he made it home earlier in the day. Maybe Spencer had done the same. He waited until after he snagged a few hours of rest until he headed back to Spencer’s. Zayn wanted to make sure he had enough energy for anything Spencer might want to do once Zayn got there.
As Zayn climbed from his car, the warehouse door opened, and Spencer stood waiting. As usual, he didn’t wear a shirt. His expression looked wicked as Zayn closed the space between them, as if he relished the thought of what he would do to Zayn. Zayn had to take a breath to stop himself from smiling like an idiot. He had never felt this way. Spencer owned his every thought. He wanted to be cautious. It was too late.
The moment he was within striking distance, Spencer snagged the hem of Zayn’s shirt and hauled him inside. “There he is.” That was all the conversation they had before Zayn found himself in Spencer’s arms. Spencer had Zayn’s jeans unzipped and unbuttoned before Zayn’s ass hit the couch. Spencer straddled his hips. Zayn lost himself in the gluttony of being the center of Spencer’s attention. No one had ever treated him like he was irresistible, the way Spencer did. It was thrilling—like he rode the highest of highs. Zayn was overwhelmed by the fantasy that maybe he could hang on to this dream forever. Part of him wanted to slow things down and talk about where they were headed. Most of Zayn was terrified he wouldn’t like what he heard. He didn’t imagine Spencer was the type to get tied down. All Zayn could do was take what he could get and hope for the best.
Spencer massaged Zayn’s erection. “Tell me you want to fuck me as badly as I want you.”
“I want to fuck you. It’s all I think about.” It wasn’t a lie. Since the first time Zayn saw Spencer, he had been obsessed. He didn’t know how to shake him.
A chime sounded and Spencer tore his mouth away from Zayn. Zayn licked the shell of Spencer’s ear, hoping to keep his attention.
“Fuck. It’s Jinx. I forgot he was stopping by tonight to drop off a new speaker to replace one that blew last night.” Spencer climbed from Zayn’s lap, pulling a whimper from him. “Don’t move. I’ll cut him off before he makes it inside and then you can get inside me.”
Zayn tried not to pout. “Make it fast or I’m starting without you.”
At his threat, Spencer rushed to the door. Zayn watched him until he couldn’t see him anymore. When his voice came through a speaker, Zayn’s gaze moved to a nearby monitor. He realized the chime had come from a motion sensor and the entire parking lot was under surveillance. He watched Spencer cutting Jinx off before he made it inside.
“Hey, man. I’ll take that. No need for you to waste your day with me.”
Jinx’s head turned toward Zayn’s car before looking Spencer’s way again. “Isn’t that Zayn’s car? What’s going on there? I’ve never seen you with the same person twice, much less three times.”
Zayn caught himself leaning closer to the screen and hanging on every word.
Spencer made a dismissive motion as he moved the box Jinx delivered closer to the door. “There’s nothing to tell. You know me. I’m just passing the time. Zayn is like a cute, over-enthusiastic puppy. I’ll send him on his way when I get bored.”
Zayn’s eyes fell closed. He took a breath and then stood. He kept his mind blank as he fixed his clothes. Maybe he was naïve for thinking Spencer cared at all, but he wasn’t weak. Zayn wasn’t looking to be anyone’s plaything. He headed for the door. Without glancing Spencer’s way, Zayn slipped past him and made his way to his car.
“Whoa. Hold up, Zayn. Where are you going? I thought I told you not to move.”
With his heart on lockdown, Zayn glanced Spencer’s way. With one foot in the car, he tried not to break. “I’m not really in the mood to anyone’s over-enthusiastic puppy tonight. You should find someone else to entertain you until you get bored. In fact, maybe you should get Jinx to take my place. I get the feeling he’s interested in the job.”
Zayn was too angry and hurt to even notice how his words were received. It was as if his brain had stopped functioning properly. He had been less insulted by the doctor looking to see if he’d had work done than this bullshit. Zayn couldn’t believe he had let himself get taken for this ride. He pulled into Koda’s driveway before he realized he didn’t recall leaving Spencer’s or the drive to Koda’s. There hadn’t been a conscious plan to go to Koda’s. It was like his car had taken him where he needed to be. Zayn didn’t question it. He climbed from the car and headed for the door. As he rang the doorbell, Zayn took several calming breaths. He didn’t want to dump on Koda.
“Yes?”
Zayn tried sounding upbeat as Koda’s voice came through the intercom. “It’s Zayn.”
“Hey. Just give me a second.”
Zayn patiently waited while trying to put a lid on his raging thoughts. Koda opened the door with his son Liam in his arms. Liam threw himself forward at the sight of Zayn. A happy-sounding squeal pierced his ears.
Zayn smiled as he caught the toddler. “Hey there, buddy. How are you?”
Koda took a step back so Zayn could come in. “Sorry about that. He’s grateful to have a break from me, I guess.”
Zayn pressed his lips to Liam’s forehead and inhaled. He needed Liam’s unconditional love. “Don’t apologize. I’m always happy to spend time with my favorite guy. Sorry for stopping by unannounced.”
Koda headed for the couch, using his sight cane to avoid Liam’s million toys. “It’s no problem. We were just hanging out. I definitely could use a break from listening to the same cartoon playing for the millionth time.”
Rather than joining Koda on the couch, Zayn sat on the floor with Liam and played with whatever Liam brought to him. He took a moment to calm down, focusing on Liam before trying to broach his need for Koda’s company. “How do you and Felix do it? You make marriage and having a family look so effortless. As far as I can tell, no one is interested in building a family anymore.”
Koda leaned his elbow on the arm of the couch and looked thoughtful, as if he took Zayn’s question seriously. “Honestly? It looks easy because it is. We fell in love and neither of us fought it because we wanted it.”
It was as he feared. Love was easy. It was just that no one wanted to build that with him. “Oh.” His throat swelled. Zayn swallowed past the pain. “It’s hard being considered extremely smart when you’re really dumb as hell.”
Koda leaned over and rubbed his shoulder. “Tell me what’s happened, and we’ll figure it out together.”
Zayn watched Liam play while wondering if he had the courage to admit he had dreamed bigger than he should. He didn’t know if Sp
encer had made him look like a fool, or if he had done that all on his own. Either way, Zayn was an idiot. A big dumbass who craved love. How stupid could he be?
Sommerland Music Group was a nondescript building not far from the warehouse district. Spencer had visited the place many times over the past twenty years. Having been in his twenties himself, Spencer had been beyond impressed by the twenty-year-old who started the business: Felix Sommerland. Like many people in L.A., Felix had come from money, but he used his good fortune to start a business that paved the way for several lucrative careers. Felix had seen more talent come and go than most. He had a great ear for perfection, and none of that had anything to do with why Spencer found himself there now. Felix was his friend.
As he pushed his way through the door, Spencer half expected Felix would be too busy to see him. The rest of Spencer questioned why he had come here at all. For the first time in his life, Spencer was confused about his feelings and questioning some things. He didn’t know who else he could talk to about it. Felix was happily married to the love of his life. He looked like an actual adult to Spencer. That was something Spencer would never be.
Instead of being greeted by Felix’s receptionist, Spencer ran into Felix as he stepped inside.
Felix did a double take, obviously surprised to see Spencer. “Spencer. Hey.” Felix changed directions from heading for his office to greet Spencer at the door. A bright smile stretched his lips. He shook Spencer’s hand. “Why do you always look homeless?”
Spencer glanced down at himself. His tank top had a hole in it. Plus, it was inside out and backward. He hadn’t noticed. Spencer shrugged. “My head is always somewhere else. Why do you always look so put together? Aren’t toddler dads supposed to be run ragged?”
A happy-sounding chuckle rumbled from Felix’s chest. He motioned for Spencer to follow him and spoke over his shoulder as he went. “I have an amazing husband who does a majority of the chasing while I get the easy job of coming here every day. What brings you by?” Felix asked as he chose a seat inside his office.
Spencer plopped down in the first chair he came to. “What do you think of Jinx?”
Felix blinked, as if that was the last question he expected to be asked today. “The sound guy who worships the ground you walk on? I guess, I think he’s good at his job.”
Fuck. Everyone saw something he didn’t. “Why would you say he worships me?”
A humorless smile touched Felix’s lips. “I’m an expert on watching someone from afar while knowing they’re so far out of my reach, they may as well be the stars. Jinx looks at you the same way. Hopeless romantics can spot other hopeless romantics a mile away. What’s got you asking about Jinx all of a sudden? He’s been working with you for years.”
Spencer shrugged. “Someone pointed out that Jinx is interested in me this morning as they were storming out. Now I’m wondering if I’m a bad person because A, I never noticed, and B, I said something incredibly stupid to drive away the person storming out.”
“Does this person have a name?”
“I’d rather not say.”
Felix’s eyebrows rose. “So it’s someone I know.”
“It’s Zayn.”
Spencer hadn’t thought Felix could sit any farther back in his seat, but—somehow—he managed. It was as if his spine melted. “Damn.”
Felix’s reaction made Spencer even more nervous. “What? Why are you saying damn?”
For a moment, Spencer didn’t think Felix would answer. Finally, he blew out a sigh. “Well, that’s a rock and a hard place. If you had asked me if there was anyone who watched you with more hunger than Jinx, I would’ve said Zayn.”
Spencer experienced a sudden burst of happiness before reality smacked him back down. He had just sent Zayn running. “Fuck.”
“What did you say to send him storming out?”
It took every ounce of Spencer’s will not to squirm in his seat. He scratched the side of his nose while avoiding Felix’s stare. “I might have said something about him being an over-enthusiastic puppy I was only keeping around until I got bored.” Spencer winced as the final word fell from his lips. Felix groaned, and Spencer couldn’t leave it at that. “For what it’s worth, I didn’t think he would hear me.”
Felix sat forward like he fought the urge to jump to his feet. “And that makes it better how? If you’re using the guy, is it better to know or not? Fuck, he’s still the one who gets hurt.”
“I thought we were using each other.” His claim came out much louder than intended, but Spencer didn’t enjoy being a bad guy.
“Who were you saying this to for him to overhear it?”
“Jinx.”
Felix stared at him without blinking—like Spencer had broken his brain. “I didn’t think it could get worse, but there it is,” Felix said after a moment.
Spencer’s heart sank. He dropped his gaze to his feet. His eyes fell closed. He had on two different shoes and hadn’t even noticed. Spencer didn’t understand why anyone would want him for more than a night. He was pretty much a tragedy. Spencer was nowhere near the typical gay man. He never matched or had an ounce of style. Spencer was lucky if he made it out of the house fully dressed. He had the attention span of a gnat when it came to anything outside of music. Even his own mom didn’t talk to him.
Spencer stood. “Thank you for talking this through with me. I hope fucking your friend over doesn’t affect our friendship. I wasn’t thinking.”
Felix’s shoulders fell. He looked defeated. “Spencer. Stop. We’ve been friends for over twenty years. I know you well enough to know you wouldn’t purposely hurt anyone. Zayn is amazingly forgiving. I imagine if you made even the slightest effort to make things right, he would let you.”
Even though Spencer nodded along, he didn’t know if there was anything he could say that Zayn would believe. He would think about it. Maybe he would come up with a way to apologize. Even if he found the words, Spencer didn’t think Zayn would talk to him long enough to hear them. He couldn’t blame Zayn. Spencer was pretty dumb. Chances were good he had seen the last of Zayn. That was depressing.
It was the craziest peace offering. That was what Zayn kept telling himself to explain why he currently sat in the parking lot of a pottery studio. He was still angry and hurt, but now he was also intrigued. After spending a few hours with Koda and Liam, Zayn had come home to a simple note from Spencer. It said, “I’m sorry that I suck at a lot of things, but I’ll always try new things with you.” He had included a receipt for a pottery class in Zayn’s name. It started tonight. The craziest part was, he had always wanted to try pottery-making. It was on his long list of hobbies he wanted to learn before he died. More than anything, though, Zayn was here because of one word in that note: always. Spencer had said he would always try new things with Zayn.
Since Zayn was a nervous mess, he waited until five minutes before class was set to start before heading inside. By the time he walked through the door, everyone was already seated behind a pottery wheel. He spotted Spencer slouching in a chair across the room. There was an empty station beside him. Zayn chose the one across from him instead. Spencer smirked as Zayn sat. Zayn looked away and focused on their instructor.
Despite paying attention the entire time, Zayn was still hyper aware of Spencer. Even as they dove in and learned by hands-on experience, Zayn kept checking Spencer out on the sly. He looked completely focused on the vase he was making. With his bottom lip between his teeth, Spencer seemed genuinely intent on learning the process. Zayn kept fighting back smiles. He couldn’t make himself stop wanting this one person. At some point during the four-hour class, they managed to make passable vases and Zayn forgave Spencer. He was also a little disappointed to learn they wouldn’t be taking their creations home yet, and the classes were spaced out several weeks apart. Zayn wanted to remember the experience.
As they stood to leave, people chatted happily with their parties as they headed out. Zayn dragged his feet. He didn’t know if he was r
eady to talk to Spencer again. Zayn decided to let Spencer choose. Spencer fell into step beside Zayn as they walked to the parking lot, but neither of them spoke. He stayed at Zayn’s side all the way to Zayn’s car. Zayn’s lights flashed as the door automatically unlocked as he approached. Spencer opened the door for Zayn. “Thank you for showing up. I would’ve stayed if you didn’t, but it was better because you were here.”
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