by RJ Blain
Serial Killer Princess
A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)
RJ Blain
Pen & Page Publishing
Serial Killer Princess
A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)
by RJ Blain
Warning: This novel contains excessive humor, action, excitement, adventure, magic, romance, and bodies. Proceed with caution.
Why would anyone put a mermaid and a gorgon in the same room together? While Tulip enjoys being alive, her lineage brings her nothing but trouble.
Snakes eat fish, and the mer love tearing apart their serpentine nemeses with their hands and teeth. As for the gorgons… she’d rather not think about them at all.
The last thing Tulip wants is to rule the mer kingdom. First, she can barely swim. Second, she’s packing more than her fair share of her father’s genes. Third, what is a landlocked princess supposed to do with an aquatic kingdom?
If she gets her way, nothing. Add in her dirty little serial killing secret, and she’s an international disaster waiting to happen.
There’s just one small problem: her father’s bodyguard tempts her in ways no one should, and if she isn’t careful, he’ll uncover her secrets, domesticate her, and infect her with a severe case of normality.
Copyright © 2017 by RJ Blain
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Cover design by Holly Heisey (HollyHeiseyDesign.com)
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Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Afterword
About the Author
Magical Romantic Comedies (with a body count)
From Witch & Wolf World
Other Stories by RJ Blain
Witch & Wolf World Reading Order
Chapter One
What the hell did a girl need to do to catch a break? I’d spent the worst six months of my entire fucking life hunting a limp dick with a complex so I could finally wring the life out of his wretched little body only to discover someone had gotten to him first. To add insult to injury, I could’ve done a better—and more interesting—job with a rusty spoon. Forget a rusty spoon, I could do things with a toothpick capable of making detectives weep.
Where was the art in a slit throat? Matthew Henders hadn’t slit the throats of victims. He was the take them home, lock them in his basement, and rape them kind, and he didn’t give a shit what species or gender his victims were. I would’ve done such a better job of murdering him, and I resented the piss poor albeit effective technique.
Who slit a serial killer’s throat and left his body lying around for anyone to find? What ever happened to the artistry of a good premeditated murder?
I’d spent months planning his death, right down to the day and time, exactly ten years to the minute after his first killing. I scowled at the body, which was sprawled on his front step, and heaved a sigh. Twice. One sigh simply wasn’t sufficient. It had to be two. Three was a bit too dramatic, even for me.
Since finding his body on his doorstep wasn’t part of my plan, I did the only sensible thing a woman posing as a mail courier could do. I screamed, I flailed, I flung his package up and over my head in the general direction of the street, and screamed some more. Instead of wasting half a year hunting an asshole serial killer, I should’ve gone to Hollywood and made some money screaming for pay.
I could teach sirens a thing or two about a good, shrill scream, and if those bitches tried to tell me otherwise, I’d break their teeth before taking my time finding an appropriately gruesome way to kill them. Sirens counted as serial killers. Sailors around the world would thank me for thinning their population.
And since my day wasn’t sucking enough already, Matthew Henders’s box exploded.
Why did I always get the mail bombs? Oh, right. I liked posing as a delivery girl when hunting serial killers. I really needed a new life—or a better gig. Instead of a mail courier, I’d switch to pizza. At least pizzas smelled good and didn’t tend to blow up in my face.
As far as bombs went, I’d gotten a small one. I could deal with small ones. I could even deal with them while flat on my back on my target’s sidewalk, little bright bubbles of light swirling prettily in front of my eyes, the shit stunned out of me. Fortunately for my dignity and pride, it wasn’t literal shit.
There was an entire chapter in the Modern Guide to Being a Princess handbook dedicated to the subject of bodily functions. Under no circumstances did a princess have the shit startled out of her. A feminine scream, even a piercing one, was permitted, but there was a solid ban against brown trousers time. The handbook’s author also had opinions about princesses who had the piss scared out of them, too.
In a word, no.
I really hated that book. It sucked the joy out my life.
At least it didn’t have anything in it banning lying prone on the ground in a dead man’s blood. My blood was a different matter.
According to the Modern Guide to Being a Princess, princesses farted floral-scented rainbows, always found someone to bleed for them, and cared more about their nails than life itself. I had three words to say to the author of the book the next time I saw the bitch: fuck that shit.
Unfortunately for me, the bitch was my mother.
One day, I’d take my mother to task for her stupid idea of a joke. What sort of mermaid queen wrote a handbook for a land-locked princess? Her stupid little handbook, a mocking Christmas present meant to remind me she hadn’t forgotten about me, had made the rounds, polluting the bookshelves of royal families around the world. I bet my father and his hive of gorgon ladies had a copy just to spite me. I’d never even met the man, not that I wanted to.
All of life’s problems began and ended with mermaids and gorgons, and I did my best to avoid both sides of the fence.
Emergency sirens wailed in the distance. With the pretty lights still bubbling through my vision, something smoking nearby—probably my damned delivery truck—and a whopper of a headache, playing victim seemed like a good idea. I even liked ambulance rides. They amused the hell out of me, especially with a concussion, where I could get away with breaking even more of my mother’s rules.
Princesses didn’t whine, so I’d practice my best pout while I kept my eyes open long enough to make them water and blur. Princesses didn’t cry, the one rule I agreed with, so while I’d play the dewy-eyed maiden in distress for shits and giggles, not a single damned one would fall. I’d totally angle for a lollipop from the triage nurse, though.
They laced the damned things with pixie dust, and riding on a cloud-nine high might dull the edge of my disgust over having been robbed of my kill. Who the hell wasted a serial killer’s death slitting his throat? I needed to find the murderer and show him a thing or two about how to kill somebody.
While I waited for the ambulance, I considered getting up. Lying in a pool of blood wasn’t exactly comfortable, especially since I had no idea what sort of nasty contagions my dead mark had contracted over the years. With my luck, he probably had lycanthropy, then the damned doctors would start poking me to find out if
I’d contracted the infection. Telling the doctor to go back to medical school because neither gorgons nor mermaids could contract lycanthropy wouldn’t do me any good. What looked like a human, walked like a human, and talked like a human was obviously human, and humans contracted lycanthropy.
Stupid doctors liked poking holes in my arguments. If I was a gorgon’s whelp, why didn’t I have snakes for hair? If I was a mermaid, why didn’t I grow fins when I got wet?
Of course, the real idiot was me for not even bothering trying to get up, waiting with princess-perfect patience for my lovely ride in an ambulance so I could get a pixie dust lollipop. Where else was I going to get my damned lollipop?
Princesses did not, under any circumstance, resort to recreational drugs to turn a bad day around.
I really needed my damned lollipop. The instant my mother found out I was in the United States working as a mail courier again, she’d take her royal scepter and shove it up my ass. The first four or five times had been bad enough. I could already hear her questioning what sort of princess worked as a mail courier.
‘The best kind’ was not the answer she wanted.
One day I would learn. When I did, I would suggest my mother should add a chapter to her precious little handbook. It would be very short. It would instruct princesses there was nothing dumber in life than pissing off Queen Mother, AKA Megabitch Supreme.
I’d need two lollipops to get through the rest of my day, because there was no way in hell I was picking myself off the sidewalk and making my grand escape before the cops showed up. Considering the sirens blared at ear-throbbing volume, they’d already arrived. The slap of shoes on concrete confirmed my belief, and I squinted in my effort to make my eyes cooperate with me.
Two men in the dark blue uniforms of American police officers leaned over me. The old bald one, a black dude with more dark splotches on his cheeks than the average ladybug, looked rather concerned. The other one, a nice little chestnut number with wide blue eyes and the kind of tan I dreamed about having, looked like he needed me to rip him out of his uniform and show him a good time.
Fortunately for me, there was nothing in the Modern Guide to Being a Princess banning the admiration of a fine law enforcement officer. There were many rules about not touching them for some reason, though.
Stupid rules. I needed to burn that handbook the next time my mother gave me a copy, which I expected to be by tomorrow morning. In person.
Joyous day. Absolutely stupendous.
“I think the guy I was delivering a package to died and then his package blew up,” I slurred.
Huh. Maybe the bomb had packed a bit more punch than I thought—or my head wasn’t nearly as hard as my mother made it out to be. Either way, slurring was firmly in the ‘not good’ column. Then again, there were pretty lights still dancing around my vision, the pesky things. Ah, concussions. I gave it an hour before my brain tried to dribble out of my ears.
The hot cop frowned, stepped around me, and gave me a good look at his back. Nice. America truly did have some lovely scenery. He unhooked some doohickey from his vest and talked to someone on it before turning to face me. “An ambulance has been dispatched, ma’am.”
I admired how he gave a statement and asked a question at the same time, subtle enough I could ignore his request for my name if I wanted. In all honesty, I wanted to do a legal name change, but if I did, my mother would hunt me down and make me wish she’d actually murder me.
All delaying would do was prolong my suffering. The sooner I said it, the sooner they’d quit laughing. “Tulip Flandersmythe.”
My mother needed to explain why she’d named me after a bunch of flowers. Tulip was bad enough, but if anyone found out my middle names were Daisy Lilac Petunia, I’d never live it down. Why had she given me three middle names, anyway? I bet it was because she hated me from the moment of my birth and wanted me to know it. Then, because expressing eternal hatred wasn’t sufficient, she insisted on doting on me whenever absolutely possible. If she couldn’t get rid of me through giving me the worst name on the planet, she’d love me to death.
My queen mother needed her scepter shoved up her ass for inflicting such a horrible name on me. I was no wilting lily. I killed serial killers because I could, and I got away with it because I was good at it.
Killing people was definitely not allowed according to the Modern Guide to Being a Princess. Absolutely not allowed. Princesses had servants and bodyguards for that.
The old cop’s eyes widened, a huffy little snort bursting out of him.
“Go ahead and laugh. Wouldn’t want to give you a stroke or something. The rest of my name’s even worse.”
“I’m not sure how that’s even possible,” Mr. Dreamy muttered and crouched beside me, careful to keep his shiny shoes out of Matthew Henders’s blood. He held up a single finger. “Miss Flandersmythe, can you please tell me how many fingers I’m holding up?”
I showed him my middle finger, a rather accurate portrayal of what I thought of his tone. “I’m aware I hit my head, you’re holding up one finger, yes, my vision is blurry, I realize I’m slurring, and even a dainty mail carrier like me can identify a concussion. Really. Also, my mail blew up, and I’m lying in some dead guy’s blood.”
Ignoring my rude gesture, Mr. Dreamy grabbed hold of my arm and pressed his fingertips to my wrist, his gaze shifting away from me to his watch. With a frown, he released my hand, leaned forward, and touched my throat.
Not only was he handsome, he was hot, too—uncomfortably so. I sighed.
Of course, I suffered from shock. I just couldn’t catch a break, could I? Then again, I hadn’t actually broken anything. Concussions and shock I could deal with. Broken bones sucked. Shock was a step up from breaking something. Resigned to the inevitable, I moved my arm enough to dig out my wallet from my pocket and offered it to the cop. “ID and health insurance card are in front lower slot.”
Mr. Dreamy took my wallet, opened it, and pulled out the two cards. “Thank you. This’ll simplify things. While we wait for the ambulance to arrive, why don’t you tell me about your day?”
I did, although I left out the part about having come to Matthew Henders’s house to kill him. That would put a damper on our relationship.
Instead of a lollipop, I got an MRI and a hard time from a cute doctor. He wasn’t quite up to the standards of Mr. Dreamy, but he put up a good fight. I wanted a damned lollipop, he refused to give me one, and apparently since he was a damned doctor, he won by default.
“What do you have against lollipops?” I complained, swinging my legs while sitting on the examination table. “Come on, doc. Just one.”
“Only good patients or children get lollipops, and you are neither.” The doc stared at his clipboard, clicking his pen.
“What’s got your panties in a bunch, doc? Is my brain going to take a hike?”
“Your skull isn’t cracked and swelling appears minimal, but there’s minor bleeding.” The doc approached me and touched my neck near the base of my skull. “Here. I suspect it happened when you fell. I doubt there’s reason for concern, but observation for the next twenty-four hours is mandatory. I’ll have another MRI done in twelve hours to confirm your condition. While your slurring has improved, it’s a potential cause for concern.”
Why did American hospitals take so many unnecessary precautions? While I scowled, I waved my hand in acceptance of his decree. “Fine. Twenty-four hours. I think it’s unnecessary, but you’re the doc.”
“There’s just an issue of your room assignment.”
“Whoever is stuck with me should probably get two lollipops.”
“So you can steal one?”
“Exactly.”
“That’s fortunate, since this hospital doesn’t have private rooms.” The doc slipped a sheet of paper from the bottom of his stack and waved it around in my face. “Nor do we use titles.”
If I pretended the problem of my birth didn’t exist, maybe no one would attempt to saddle me with
a title. Who needed a damned title, anyway? Not me. I averted my gaze, lifted my chin, and gave a dainty sniff. “What title?”
“Your Highness,” a man’s pleasant tenor announced from the door. I recognized the voice, and despite the pounding in my head, I comprehended two things at once.
Wherever Terrance the Grumpy went, my mother was never far behind. By not far behind, she was usually within twenty feet, which gave me less than a minute to jump out the nearest window. I scrambled off the examination table and darted for freedom, making it four whole steps before my mother’s bodyguard clotheslined me.
For a merman at least five times my age, the bastard packed a punch. Instead of smacking into the floor like I deserved, my back slammed into his chest. Terrance even managed to pin both my elbows to my side with one arm. “Have I told you how much you suck, Terrance?”
“My life wouldn’t be complete without being graced with the showering of your affections, Your Highness.”
“You don’t have to sound so grumpy about it.” Actually, Terrance sounded far more amused than grumpy, and I wasn’t sure what I thought about that.
“Do be careful with my patient, sir. If you’d like to restrain her, please do so on the examination table.”
Instead of letting me walk like the capable woman I was, Terrance tightened his hold on me, straightened, and carried me to the table as though I weighed nothing. He released me long enough to set his hands on my waist, lift me up, and set me exactly where I’d been when he’d entered the room. To add insult to injury, he patted me on the head like he’d done since I’d been old enough to walk.