“I don’t think they had a hard time with it. Braden’s building an addition onto his home so they’ll each have their own room. Plus they’re crazy about the woodshop.”
Candice grinned, imagining it for herself. “I bet.” Her eyes were adjusting to the dark now. Enough that she could see parts of Logan’s face. She watched as his expression shifted. From something laid-back and comfortable, to an almost pained look.
“Will you consider it? You can have the master to yourself. Separate rooms.” He cleared his throat. “If you’d like.”
The thought of being in that house was a pleasant one. The massive kitchen. One of those big rooms all to herself. No Boyd and Marge chasing one another throughout the house, playing jokes and acting like kids. It was tempting. Separate rooms, even. What was the harm in that? But the warning bells had found their voice once more, were ringing out in full chorus. No way. Don’t move in with him. You’re getting divorced, remember? Stick with the plan.
“I can’t,” she finally said. “I need to get out on my own. I’ll just find a place to rent. I’ll have to anyway, once things are done.”
Logan let out a weary sigh. “Fine, Candice. The offer remains, but I’m not going to beg.” He came to a stand, lowered his hand to help her up.
She took it, letting the guilt sink deeper as she stood. She felt weak and shaky suddenly. Drained. Logan would assume she was shivering from the cold. Really she was trembling from the close call. She’d just had a moment that could have stolen every ounce of resolve she’d built up since coming home, and still, she was owned by an overwhelming sense of regret. Temptation, she mused, was a funny thing. It makes you want – even when you know it’s wrong. Especially when you know it’s wrong. Logan was forbidden fruit, and the weaker side of her yearned for a taste. So much that she resented the timing of her awakening. Secretly wished she could have stayed lost in the moment long enough to satisfy her desire for him just once more.
In the quiet darkness, Logan led her to the truck, their laughter lost in the night. Neither of them spoke on the way back, which was probably best, Candice decided. The two might have had something beautiful once, but all that existed between them now was a world of past hurts, present disappointments, and a future of broken dreams. Once April twenty-third came and went, Candice would file for divorce.
CHAPTER FOUR
“I’m telling you,” Logan said, shaking his head as he eyed the snow-covered ground. “There’s still a spark between me and Candice.”
His cousin, Blake, turned to look at him, eyes squinting against the sun. “So, maybe it’s not over after all.”
“I’m sure it’s not. Too bad I can’t get Candice to admit it.” Logan paused at the barn entrance, carving a circle in the snow with the toe of his boot. “It’s weird, though. We moved out here intending to separate for a while, yet I thought we’d be … I don’t know, finding a way to get back together. But every time I tried to get close to her she would pull away. Like all she really wanted was to get divorced and move on. It got to the point that no news was good news,” he said with a humorless laugh. “I was good to let things be as long as she wasn’t pushing for a divorce. I figured she’d either start filing papers, or the adoption agency would call and say we’d been picked.”
Blake chuckled wryly. “All or nothing, huh? Either you start a family or call it quits?”
Logan nodded. “Exactly. Not my terms, of course, but it seems that’s just what Candice has had in mind. Meanwhile I’m stuck in limbo without so much as a clue to which fate I’m in for.” He looked over his shoulder, bringing his voice down to a whisper. “Anyway, when I was getting close to her last night, I was surprised to see how receptive she was. It had me thinking, why didn’t I do this sooner? Maybe I was really the hold up all along.”
“So what happened?”
“I ruined it,” Logan said. “We barely started kissing and I asked her to move in with me. The second I did that, I swear it was like flicking off a switch. Bam. She was done. It reminded me of why I had been giving her space this whole time.”
Blake had been leaning against the outer barn wall, but he straightened up at the news. “Dang. That’s rough. Can’t imagine something like that happening with Reese.” Logan turned his gaze back to the snow. Blake had been married for a few years now; the two had a set of twins not long ago. The couple seemed happy. Like Logan’s sister, Allie, and her new husband. Even Gavin, Blake’s rowdy brother, had managed to find the right one for him and settle down. Jeez. Logan was surrounded by happy couples.
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Blake said, gaining his attention once more. “But why did you bring up moving in together – right then, I mean?”
Logan shook his head, about to remind him that Candice needed a place to stay. But Blake’s question had more to do with timing and Logan knew it. “I wanted to take her to bed, that’s why.”
“Ah,” Blake tipped his chin. “She is still your wife, I guess.”
“Yeah. And it’s familiar territory, if you know what I mean. You don’t know how hard that was to just… stop.” He looked down, smeared a layer of snow over the pit he’d made with his boot. “But it felt different too, in a good way. We actually had a moment that wasn’t planned out months in advance according to her cycle – it was kind of hot.” Warmth stirred in his belly at the memory. “Either way, I didn’t want to go further under the wrong pretense. I’m not looking for some good time. I’m looking to make her mine again.”
“When did you say your spot on the adoption list expires?” Blake asked.
“April twenty-third.” Logan followed him into the barn, walking slowly as his eyes adjusted to the dusky space. “And I kid you not, she sounded anxious for that day to just come and go so she could be done with it.”
“Wait.” Blake stopped walking. “Won’t you guys lose all your money? Being that you already paid for that one adoption a while back?”
The words alone made Logan’s chest ache. Not many people spoke of the incident. The time Logan and Candice had been picked by a birth mom, arrived at the hospital ready to take home the baby, only to get news that the mother changed her mind after delivery, decided to keep the baby after all. “Yeah,” he said. “The money rolls over if we get selected again. Candice actually said…” he shook his head, barely able to believe it himself. “When I was dropping her off at her mom’s, she actually said that I should keep myself on the list, marry some other gal after the divorce and get a baby with my new wife.”
Blake sucked a gust of air through his clenched teeth. “Ouch. Is that even possible?”
“I have no idea,” Logan said with a shrug. “But I am tempted to keep our name on the adoption list somehow. I mean, it will take months for the divorce to go through. May as well not be over until it’s over.” Even as he said it Logan knew how messed up it sounded. Headed toward divorce at full speed and he still wanted to adopt a child with her. He hunched down when he got to the baby calves, inspecting the first little guy in the stall. “I don’t know. Guess that’d be kind of foolish to do a thing like that.”
“Maybe not,” Blake said. “I don’t think the good Lord’s going to place a baby in your hands if it’s not right. Could be that a new little addition is coming right around the corner and he just needs the two of you to be ready.”
Logan gave that some thought. “You know, maybe you’re right. Once Candice thinks we’re off the list, she might be a lot more open to spending time with me. Perhaps we could start mending things between us then.”
Of course, Candice wouldn’t be too happy with him if she knew he was doing it. But the only way she’d find out is if they got picked. And if that happened, how angry could she be?
Logan continued to examine each scrawny calf in his uncle’s barn, steeling his resolve. He’d call the adoption agency, have them keep their names on the list for another year, and get his new place ready for a home inspection.
As much as it pained him, Logan
would have to go back to giving Candice her space. At least until she believed they were no longer on the list. If April twenty-third came and went without a call, Logan would step in and make his move. Until then he would sit back, bide his time, and hope for a miracle.
CHAPTER FIVE
~ April 24th ~
Candice let out a long sigh as she lowered herself onto the old sofa in the teacher’s lounge. She pulled her legs up, curled them beneath her, and thumbed the opening to her paper bag. Back and forth along the ridged edge.
“Long day?” Asked a voice from within the room. Patty, she realized without looking up.
“Not really,” Candice said.
“You missed the rest of the flock.”
Candice broke her fixed gaze and turned to look at her. “What was that?”
Patty smiled, deepening the wrinkles around her eyes. “I’m usually in here all by myself,” she explained. “Not that I’m complaining. I like the company, but what happened to your lunch hour?”
“Oh, Sam and I are taking each other’s class today. I took his before recess, worked to get caught up on grading during lunch, and now he’s got my class and his.”
“I see.” Patty grabbed a Tupperware container out of the fridge, strode past the set of tables and chairs, and stopped at the couch across from her. “Mind if I hang out with you?”
Candice shook her head. “Not at all.”
“I usually sit at the sofas to eat too,” Patty said. “It’s more relaxing over here.”
The interaction was enough to snap Candice out of her daze. If she wanted to eat before the next bell rang she’d better do it quick. The paper bag crinkled as she pried it open, reaching in to retrieve the hoagie she’d prepared the night before. Turkey, mayo, and mozzarella on wheat. She forced herself to take a bite, though she felt anything but hungry, and set her gaze on the sight beyond the window. The view from the lounge room included a crowded parking lot and a line of thick, leafy trees. Shades of green accented by an endless sky of blue. Her gaze settled on the branches as she recalled the way they’d looked only months ago: bare and lifeless. As much as Candice loved the appearance of their full and thriving growth, she found herself missing the skeletal view of gnarled limbs.
“Want to talk about it?” Patty dabbed her face with a napkin, rested a plastic fork in her salad, and gave her a sympathetic grin.
“There’s not enough time,” Candice said, but then reconsidered. “Have you ever looked forward to a certain day, thinking that once it came you’d be happier than you’ve been in a long time? Or at least, more at ease?”
Patty gave her a weak nod.
“Well I’ve been waiting for a particular day to come and go. I thought that once it did I’d be this whole new person.” She shook her head. “I bought myself a bottle of bubbly to celebrate even, because – while it was a sad goodbye to one part of my life, a dream, I guess you’d say – it was the beginning to the rest of my life. One set in … reality.”
The concern Candice saw in Patty’s blue eyes stirred the tender emotions within her. “Was it a terribly unrealistic dream?” she asked. Candice hadn’t noticed how lovely her eyes were before today. The crystal blue depths gleamed with years of wisdom and kindness.
“I guess for me, it was,” Candice said with a humorless laugh. She licked her lips, moved her gaze from the kind woman to look out the window once more. “I wanted children. We spent years trying the old fashioned way, had a miscarriage that nearly killed me, mentally anyway. We spent more years and a lot of wasted money trying with some modern day helps. And finally there was the adoption that fell through. The mother decided to keep the baby after he was born.” Candice fought the tremble of her lower lip as Patty set her salad on the coffee table and came to sit next to her on the gold-colored sofa.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, hon,” she said, rubbing a thin hand over Candice’s shoulder. “I have a daughter who struggled with infertility for years. It was devastating.”
Candice only nodded. She didn’t bother asking where her daughter was now; she could already guess. She’d had enough people share stories of their sister or their cousin or their aunt. They waited years. Tried everything they could. And eventually, in one way or another, got the family they’d always dreamed of.
“It can really take a toll on a marriage,” Patty said.
The comment surprised her. Not many people talked about that side of things. “You’re right about that,” Candice said. “Turned our sex life into this … dreaded chore. I had a schedule typed up and posted on the closet door. I knew when we had to do it. The days we couldn’t. And exactly which ways gave us the best chance of getting pregnant.” She chuckled, one short laugh. “People would always say, ‘trying is the fun part.’ Yeah, not when it becomes work. Poor Logan – I didn’t let him miss a shift. It’s a surprise he stuck with me as long as he did.”
“So the two of you are still married?”
Candice nodded. “Separated. But we’ll be divorced soon enough.”
“So the day you were looking forward to. The one you planned to celebrate. Is it related to the divorce?”
“Kind of,” Candice said. “But it was more of a package deal. See we’ve been on the list since we lost that one baby, hoping that another birth mom would choose us. Actually, we had them inactivate us for a few months at first, since we were still recovering from the whole incident. But we’ve been back on it for over a year without so much as a phone call. Our place on that list expired yesterday.”
Patty looked surprised. “And that’s something to celebrate?”
“I thought it would be. See, I could have called them and kept us on there another year, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. Or even want to. It was like signing up for one more year of hurt, heartache, and … expectations. I just wanted to get away from all of it.” She wiped at a few tears as they slipped silently down her cheeks, memories from the difficult years drifting through her mind. “I don’t know what it was like for your daughter, but I felt responsible for the whole thing. And Logan, he was just so hopeful. He never wanted to give up. Kept saying, we’ll try something else then. Anything we have to do, we’ll do it. We will absolutely have children together.” Candice wrapped the sandwich back up and tossed it in the bag. After placing it on the coffee table next to Patty’s salad, she spoke up once more.
“What he didn’t realize, is that he may as well have been saying, I’m counting on you. You can do this. You. You. You. I don’t know. I just felt like I was letting him down every time we came up with a negative test result. It’s a long story. Like I said, we’ve been through a lot.”
“Yes,” Patty agreed. “It sounds like you have.” She reached for the table, retrieved Candice’s paper sack, and dug out her sandwich. “Here,” she said. “Eat. The lunch lady in me can’t stand to see you go hungry.”
A genuine smile came to Candice’s lips. “Fine.” She forced herself to take a bite.
“You know, I remember Logan Emerson. I used to be on playground duty at the elementary, you remember?”
“Of course,” Candice said. “You were the nice one.”
“Ms. Clark wasn’t so bad,” Patty said with a laugh. “Anyway, I’d been having a particularly rough day, though Logan couldn’t have known that. It was really pouring out, and Ms. Clark insisted the kids play outside.” Patty’s gaze shifted to the window as she seemed to relive the moment in her mind. “I’d worn these awful boots in effort to keep my feet dry, and managed to catch the toe of one on a sidewalk crack.” Her face reddened. “It’s embarrassing even in memory. Here I was, a grown woman, holding an umbrella in one hand, a whistle in the other, trying to blow the thing to stop Chad Ingram from pushing down one of the younger kids, and I go falling toward the ground. It was more of a stumble at first, my feet trying to catch balance somehow, but eventually I went down. Of course I rolled onto my side so I didn’t smash my face up.” Patty glanced over at her and gave Candice a warm grin.
&nbs
p; “I thought the kids would laugh and poke fun. That they’d get a kick out of a grown woman falling down like a child. But Logan Emerson – a boy my younger daughter claimed was the coolest kid in all of sixth grade – came to help me up. He dusted off my coat with his bare hands and asked if I was okay.” A slight tremor revealed itself as Patty shook her head absently. “I tell you that meant the world to me. Later I realized he was doing all sorts of nice things like that. His brother too. They were raised right, those boys.”
Candice wasn’t surprised to hear it. Touched – yes. But that’s how Logan and his twin brother were. Even through their rebellious phase, the two were known for treating the ladies right.
“Sure did break my heart when I heard about his twin, Alex, dying in that accident years back,” Patty said. “That poor, dear family.”
The mere mention of Alex’s death shot painful darts through Candice’s chest. “Yeah, that really threw us for a loop. Poor Logan – I’ve never seen someone so immersed in grief. And guilt too. He felt so bad for leaving Alex to run the ranch on his own. Wished he’d have stayed behind and helped instead.” She brought a hand up to her mouth, pinched at her bottom lip. “But there’s no telling if that would have made a difference. He may not have been in that particular accident on that exact day, but if the Lord needed Alex to come home, Logan’s presence on the ranch wouldn’t have stopped things.”
She mused on that for a moment as the ache shifted into different corners of her heart. The tiny crooks and crevices that Logan’s presence exposed when he’d shown up to the announcement dinner. Candice’s reaction to her mother’s engagement was silly, in retrospect, but it had honestly been one of the greatest shocks of her life. Yet after a short drive with Logan and a playful snowball fight, she’d been lost to him – and yearning for his touch on the snow-covered ground.
Mending Hearts: Logan's Story Page 4