by M. D. Laird
“Why do you do this, Calab?” she snapped. “Why is it so important that I shouldn’t know how you feel?”
“It’s complicated,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Complicated how?”
“It just is. I don’t know.”
“It’s easy. I love you, and you love me. What’s complicated about that?”
“I can’t be with you. I can’t expose you to the ridicule you’d receive. You’d resent me.” Calab gave her the same excuses he had given to Thalia. They had sounded plausible enough when he had told Thalia, and she had believed he was being noble.
“These are obstacles we can overcome. People may talk, but they’ll come round.”
She does not give up!
“They won’t,” he said, brushing aside the hand she had placed on his shoulder and standing to pace the room. “I won’t put you through that.”
“I love you Calab. I will face any ridicule for you if you let me.”
What can I say to get her to shut up?
“I don’t want to.”
“Why not?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Why is it?” she said. “You’re going to have to explain it to me because I don’t get it. Those barriers aren’t real. You’ve created them yourself.” He glared at her.
Leave me alone!
“You had a relationship with Thalia.” The girl snarled. “Is it because I’m not as tall or as slim or as beautiful as she is? Do you only date thorian?”
“Don’t be absurd,” he snapped. “I didn’t love Thalia. I used her. Is that what you want?”
“No,” she said, “but if we love each other, it will be better.”
“Have you thought that I might not want to love you?” He snarled. “That I might hate the feelings I have for you? Since I’ve had these feelings, I’ve had no control over my own thoughts. I can’t focus on anything, and I’m plagued with jealousy and confusion. Joy one moment and sadness the next—I despise it!”
“It's new that’s all. It can be something special too if you’ll allow it.”
“I don’t want to allow it!” he spat. “I want to be rid of it. I wish I had never met you. You have ruined my life! I should have let you die.”
“You don’t mean that.”
I do!
“Yes. I. do.” He growled. “It is taking every ounce of will not to throw you off the mountain right now.”
“So do it then,” she shouted. “Or leave and let me freeze to death.”
He stood by the door. He thought about leaving her there and getting away from her. He did not care if she died. He would be glad if she did. Instead, he sat on the floor and held his head in his hands. He heard the girl sit on the bed and could feel her glare burrowing into him.
Darkness descended, and they had not uttered a word to each other. The temperature had rapidly dropped. Eve pulled the blanket around her and did her best to suppress the audible shiver. She heard Calab stand, but he did not approach her. Instead, she heard him light a fire in the stove and then sit on the floor in front of it. It took some time before the cabin warmed enough for her to sleep.
Eve woke as the light was beginning to break. She looked around the cabin and found Calab asleep on the floor. He looked young as he slept with his curly hair falling gently around his face. His expression was relaxed and showed none of the menace or anger of the previous day. She raged at herself as she felt tears form in her eyes.
Toughen up!
She crept quietly across the room and collected the ration packs from the table. She picked up the blanket and the water before quietly leaving the cabin to prepare her descent down the mountain. After using the facilities that the mountain offered in the form of a curtain of bushes, she set off for home. She did not know which direction was home and just headed down with the hope that she would make it off the mountain before nightfall. It was a high-risk strategy and one born out of a stubborn desire to avoid speaking to Calab and have him carry her home. She did not get far. She was not even sure she had been walking for five minutes.
A snarl came from above her. “What are you doing?”
She did not look up. “I’m going home,” she snapped, trying not to sound like a petulant child.
“Could you be any more stupid? If you don’t fall to your death, those things could still be hunting you.”
“Don’t speak to me like that! I am your queen! The Alchemist sent those things back. What do you care anyway? I thought you wanted me to die.”
“Not all of them,” he barked, “the fae are dealing with them. It does not matter anyway because I’m not arguing with you. You are not going anywhere. I’m not going back to tell the others you died on my watch.”
“You can’t stop me!”
“My greater strength says otherwise,” he said, picking her up as though she weighed nothing and carrying her back to the cabin. Eve spotted her guards on the mountain and realised she had probably just relieved herself in full view of them. She cringed and then forgot them and continued her rage at Calab.
“Put me down!” She kicked and hit at him. “I order you to put me down.”
He ignored her protests as he set her down inside the cabin and shut the door. “Don’t make me tie you up.”
“You can’t do this. You can’t keep me prisoner.”
“I’m keeping you safe you stupid b—” he yelled and broke off before finishing the sentence. His intense eyes met her angry glare—he softened. “I’m sorry, but you just need to stay here for now.”
They did not speak for the rest of the day. Eve fell in and out of sleep, but sat up for short periods and avoided making any eye contact with Calab. She ate the last ration pack without offering him any. He said nothing and remained sat at his post with his back to the door.
Eve woke the next morning to find her body aching from the uncomfortable bed and the constant shivering to keep warm. Her stomach growled loudly. She turned to look at Calab. He was still asleep and sitting with his back to the door. She stood up and pulled the blanket around her before putting the last of the wood into the dying embers of the fire and laying on the floor in front of the stove to capture any warmth. She started to drift when she heard the familiar growl of irritation from Calab as he spotted her on the floor. He whispered something she could not understand before approaching her.
“Do you want me to help warm you?” he asked.
“I’m okay.”
“Suit yourself.”
“How long do we have to stay here for?” she asked, sitting up to face him.
“Until it's safe.”
“How do you know it’s not safe now? Have you phoned someone?”
“The others know we’re here, they will let us know.”
“I’m hungry. We need food and water.”
“Well, you should have made the rations last. At least you ate yesterday.”
“Can you not hunt something?”
“You want me to hunt an animal?” he said, looking a little disgusted.
“Why not?” she said sarcastically. “You can fly and have claws, oh and let’s not forget about your great strength.”
“What am I supposed to hunt?”
“I don’t know, Calab, anything—just go and see what’s out there.”
“Fine,” he said, rising from the floor, “but you must stay here.”
After escorting her outside to use the en-suite, Calab left the cabin. Eve curled up on the floor in front of the stove. The wood was starting to burn, and she began to feel some warmth from the fire. She began to doze but forced herself to stay awake. She felt vulnerable without Calab, and as much as she was not enjoying his company, she felt a lot safer with him there.
Eve was relieved when Calab returned within an hour and was somewhat surprised to observe that he was laden with plastic bags.
“I was expecting a rabbit or something,” she said. “I didn’t exp
ect the mountain to produce such a yield or provide bags.”
“Well.” Calab grinned. “I was going to hunt, but I went to a supermarket in Lycea instead.” He started unpacking the bags and handed Eve a fleece jacket which she gratefully pulled around her. He pulled apart several cooked chickens and warmed bread rolls on the stove to make sandwiches. He handed one to her and then took some to the door, summoned the guards and gave them the sandwiches and some bottled water. When he returned, he pulled out a bottle of wine, glasses and a corkscrew. Eve forced herself to conceal the smirk that was trying to reveal itself. “I bought red though we have chicken—we’re camping anyway so I doubt it matters.” He handed her a glass and gave her a weak smile as his gaze met hers.
“It’s still morning,” she said, returning his smile.
“Like I said, we’re camping.”
They sat beside each other on the camp bed and ate their sandwiches in silence. Eve took a sip of wine and relaxed against the wall. It felt good to have food inside her.
“Thank you,” she said.
“You’re welcome,” he replied. They sat in silence for a few more moments before Calab spoke again. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did.”
“If you meant it then, of course, you should say it,” said Eve.
“I didn’t mean all of it,” he said, his eyes met hers and a desperate sadness pooled in them. She felt at a loss to understand his feelings. “I don’t regret saving you and I would never throw you off the mountain.”
“I know you wouldn’t,” said Eve softly. “You meant everything else?”
Shame washed over his face as he pulled his gaze towards the floor and shrugged. “I don’t know how I feel. Sometimes I feel like that, and other times I enjoy the feelings—it just overwhelms me.”
“You’re just not accustomed to having feelings,” she said. “I can try to be more patient. I just need something from you; some hint that you want me.”
“I can’t be what you want.”
“I just want you to love me.”
“I wish you didn’t love me. It would be easier if you hated me.”
“I can’t hate you.”
“You should. You should try and rid yourself of your feelings and meet someone else, someone more worthy of you.”
“You are perfectly worthy.”
“I’m a hideous demon, and you’re… Well, you’re beautiful. Look at me and then look at you—we’re not a good match.”
“I don’t care about any of that,” she said. “I love you. I don’t care what you look like.”
“Or how I act?” he snapped. “Because I act like a demon and you won’t accept that.”
“Because I know that you’re not being honest with yourself.”
“You’re just not accepting what I say,” he said, giving her an exasperated look. “I don’t know how else to say it for you to understand.”
“I just don’t believe you,” she said. “I know that you want me.”
“I don’t want you.”
“That makes no sense. How can you love someone and not want them?”
“I don’t know.”
“I can wait for you,” said Eve. “I can give you all the time you need to adjust.”
“Just give up,” he snapped. “You’re like Helena trying to force her love on Bertram.”
“I’m not trying to force you to love me, Calab. You already do love me.”
He growled and lunged towards her, pinning her hands beside her head and holding her onto the bed.
“You don’t even know what it is to be with a demon,” he said, his voice feral. “You think I’m a kind, gentle and sensitive lover?” She breathed a heady mix of terror and excitement as his mouth moved towards her ear, his lips a hairsbreadth from touching her. “I’m not,” he whispered. “And you wouldn’t like it.”
Eve moaned as his lips brushed her ear. He growled again, and the vibrations rippled through her making her head spin. She gasped and strained her wrists against his hands. She turned her head towards him, her lips impossibly close to his and raised her legs around him so her knees were level with his hips. He glared into her eyes before releasing her hands, standing up and stepping away from the bed.
Eve raised herself from the bed, her breath coming in pants. She stood, her legs felt weak, and she commanded them to hold her steady as she stepped towards him. His glare continued as she approached him, it was animalistic, and he gave a low growl which became louder as she got closer—warning her, inviting her.
She was close enough to touch him and reached her hands to place them on his chest. His hands flashed and snatched her wrists. He lowered his lips to her ear once more. Eve moaned, frustrated and wanting more, wanting him to stop toying with her and take her. His breath blazed against her neck, and she tipped back her head to expose her throat and invite him in. He held his lips close to her neck. She felt him inhale her scent and then trembled as his lips brushed her skin. Her knees felt weak, and she let out another moan as his teeth grazed her neck.
He released her wrists, grabbed her body, pulled her tightly to him and kissed her. His lips were hot against hers. His touch maddening. She ran her fingers through his hair as they kissed, pulling him closer. He ran a hand along her back and traced her throat with his deadly sharp claws, and she felt a thrill of terror.
He could slip and kill me right now.
He let her go and stepped away.
“Don’t stop,” she groaned, stepping towards him.
“You’re afraid of me,” he muttered. He allowed her to embrace him but did not touch her as she smoothed her hands over his shoulders.
“No,” she said.
“I can smell your fear.”
“I’m not afraid of you,” she said. “It’s just that your claws are sharp.” He had stopped and let her go. That was all the assurance she needed that she was safe with him. She moved her mouth quickly to his and caught his lip in her teeth. She felt his snarl as she bit him. His resolve faltered when she gasped into his mouth, and he slammed her onto the bed.
It was mid-afternoon when Eve woke and found herself alone on the bed. Her eyes searched the room and met Calab’s as he sat on the floor by the fire.
“Hi.” She smiled at him. He pressed his lips into a thin smile. She felt her heart drop as she read his expression. “You regret what we did,” she said sadly.
He dropped his gaze to the floor. “I’m sorry.”
She pulled the blanket around her to cover the shame she felt. Her eyes stung as tears threatened. She blinked them away and tried to swallow the rage that was building inside. She could not. “What is it with you?” she snapped. “Am I not good enough for you? Was I not good enough for you?”
“Of course you are,” he said. “It’s not you that’s the problem, it’s me.”
“It’s not you, it’s me? Seriously, Calab,” she said, “all the literature you read, and that’s what you’re going with?”
“I’m no good at this shit,” he snapped. “I don’t know how to talk about these things.”
“It’s not that hard, Calab, it’s very simple. If you love somebody and they love you, then you have a relationship with them and live happily ever after.”
“I don’t want to love you,” he shouted. “I don’t want to have a relationship with you. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you.”
Frustrated and angry, Eve lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
“Your Majesty—”
“Stop calling me that,” she spat. “You have taken me to bed you can, at least, have the decency to call me by my name.”
“I can’t call you by your name, you’re a queen, and I am… Well, I’m no one now.”
“I don’t care about your damn etiquette and your stupid titles.”
“I’m sorr—”
“I’m bored of this crap now… Go and get me a book to read.” She snarled.
“What?” he asked, startled by her sudden menace.
“That’s an order, Calab!”
He opened his mouth to speak before biting his lip anxiously. “Right away, Your Majesty,” he replied sullenly and left the cabin.
Eve turned her face into the bed and cried. If nothing else, she could understand Calab’s hatred of his own feelings. She hated her feelings at that moment. She despised the desperation she felt. Her gut was a sea of whirling pain. She felt an endless longing to have what she could not have, and her heart was filled with rage because she could not have it. She would have given anything to have her feelings taken from her, to lose the pain, the confusion and the chaos that swarmed around her. She had always hated being ruled by her heart and preferred the clarity and reason of the mind to the stormy and unpredictable heart. Why could she not stop this feeling? Why could he not just want her? Why could he not just love her?
Calab returned an hour later with a selection of books having visited a used bookstore in Lycea. His expression was pained as he handed them to her. Eve bit her lip as her stomach knotted.
“Calab, I’m sorry,” she said, taking the books gently from him. “My behaviour towards you has been appalling.”
“It’s my fault,” he said. “It was wrong of me to be intimate with you.”
She pressed her lips into a tight smile if only to prevent another stream of tears. “I shouldn’t be pushing you. I shouldn’t be angry with you because I can’t have my way.”
“It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not,” she said. “You don’t deserve it. All you have ever done is keep me safe—you’ve risked everything to keep me safe. I am truly grateful to you for saving me.” He gave her a weak smile and nodded but said nothing. “Thank you for the books.”
“You’re welcome,” he replied, awkwardly taking a seat beside her on the bed.
They spent the rest of the day in an uneasy peace and maintained generally needs-led interactions pertaining to food and toilet breaks. They both spent their time reading and Eve noticed with some surprise that her vision seemed to have improved. Her vision was not bad before, she had never needed glasses though it had never been as clear and as sharp as it was now. She had not noticed until she opened her page to read, but after glancing around the cabin, she found she could see details she could not have possibly seen before. Once she had become aware of her improved vision, she also noticed that her hearing and sense of smell seemed improved. Eve kept the revelation to herself and continued to read.