«I feel sorry myself, Thanos, but it’s better to know. The thing is, she must have realised I am suspicious.»
«How?»
«There are no flies on her. Nor am I a good actor. She will probably relay all this to Michalis immediately.»
«Vassilis, there may be something else behind Ellie’s behaviour. You can’t be sure what’s really going on.»
«I guess you’re right. That’s why we’ll go there and find out.»
«Where?»
«Michalis’ place.»
«You mean the two of us?» he asked, scared witless.
«Thanos, I may be the interested party, but he’s a friend of yours, too. If something’s going on, he’s kept that from you, as well. So, come with me and I promise to not implicate you. You don’t even have to come up to his flat. Just be with me.»
We sat on a bench in the park opposite Michalis’ block of flats. We were obscured by dense foliage, just to make sure we were invisible. The lights were on in his flat, but we couldn’t tell whether he was alone. We had to wait for a while until we saw Ellie’s silhouette. She was gesticulating animatedly.
Although I had been expecting it, I got surprised.
«I’m going», I said, running off into the night. He ran after me.
«Do me one last favour. Ring the bell and say you’re here for only five minutes. Just do this. I don’t care if you come upstairs or not.»
He hesitated. He tried to change my mind, but soon realised he didn’t stand a chance. He rang the bell.
When Michalis opened up, he was speechless. I walked in and looked around. Empty space.
«Tell her to come out.»
«Who?»
«Michalis, I’ve had enough of this bullshit!» I was beside myself. I couldn’t guarantee any control over my reactions.
He was flabbergasted but remained silent.
«Okay. Let’s leave her out of this. You tell me what this is all about. You have only one chance.»
«What do you mean, Vassilis? Leave who out of this?»
My clenched fist, smashing him first in the face, threw him against a lamp, which smashed into pieces, making my point very, very clear.
«I said you have only one chance, damn it!» I shouted at him, slamming into him with another blow, and another and another.
He was desperately trying to defend himself, weakened by my heavy blows. Ellie flew out of hiding — his ally — managing to distract me.
«Vassilis, please don’t! Please, don’t hit him!»
I restrained myself for a moment, during which Michalis regained strength to lash out at me. Now I was the one who was trying to defend himself, the one being beaten up by his best friend.
«Michalis, please! Don’t fight!» we heard Ellie screaming.
There was a cracking sound and all of a sudden, I felt blood trickling from my nostrils. Blind with rage, I kicked him hard in his crotch. It was the only way to buy some time and regain my footing. Through blurry vision, I could see Ellie hovering in the room.
«I don’t believe it! Even now?» I told her, feeling the blood on my lips.
«No, it’s not like this!» she told me, her face a pathetic picture, enraging me all the more.
«What is it like then?» I slung back, looking at Michalis, who was groaning, coiled up tight against the floor. I wanted to make sure I had some time before he regained strength. «I can’t believe you actually made me feel guilty for not seeing each other as much as we should’ve. So go to hell! Both of you!»
For a moment, I stayed silent, hearing Michalis groan and swear.
«You’re lucky I don’t know much more. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have come unprepared», I said, ready to leave. I turned to Ellie for one last time, repeating something I had once told her:
«Each man kills the thing he loves. You remember? You made it.»
Staggering on my way out, I leaned over Michalis:
«You were my friend.»
«Fuck you!» he replied, only to receive another blow.
Since there was no other way to end that encounter, I considered that punch a farewell. I looked at them both for the last time. It would be the very last time for one of them.
I left bleeding and distressed. I was treading on the rubble of my ruined world. Once outside of the building, it was surprising to see Thanos.
«What are you still doing here?»
He didn’t take any heed. «Vassilis! What happened up there? You look terrible! Come, I’ll take you to my place.»
«No, I want to go home.»
«Okay, then», he agreed, patting his hand on the back of my neck in comradeship. We started walking.
20
An hour passed. The blood had stopped trickling out of my nostrils, but not out of my heart. I don’t know if such wounds ever heal. They may scar over, only so you can survive, and move along in time. But at the first slight, they bleed again.
Several bruises on my face and a swollen eye were the medals of that night. I would wear them for long enough.
«I’m leaving», I heard myself say.
«Where to?»
«My brother.»
I had thought about it and made the announcement without further ado. It was only a thought, an impulse. Not a fully-fledged plan. But it was a thought I could nonetheless keep secret. Or unfulfilled.
Thanos had already guessed; that’s why it came as no surprise to him.
«Yes, you’d better go. Stay there for a while.»
«I’m not coming back.»
That threw him.
There comes a point in most people’s lives when desires, fears and dreams become entangled, breeding sudden decisions. Such was my decision to leave. Sudden, but not frivolous. It may have taken me only a moment but, even if I had mulled it over for a month, I was sure I would have made the same decision.
«I’ll stay there, Thanos. There’s nothing here for me any more.»
He smiled nervously. The emotional drama of it all made him feel awkward, perhaps even reduced him to skittish laughter, which he deftly tried to suppress. «Come on, Vassilis. What about your aunt and Natalia?»
«They will understand.»
«Your bookshop?»
«To hell with that! To hell with all of them... Michalis and Ellie and Natalia and my aunt! To hell with everything!»
I exploded, spontaneously and uncontrollably. I felt the words hurtle down the stairs of my mind and burst out with force, unable to stop them.
My friend was shaken, but he sympathised. Before him was a deeply hurt and betrayed man, ready to give up. He sympathised, but he wanted me to sympathise, as well. He kept trying.
«To hell with me as well?»
I looked at him with deep compassion. He was my best friend. We’d known each other for so long. Yet, at the time I was so determined to leave that, were he to try to win me over, I could erase all those years of friendship in one breath.
«You are my best friend and this will never change», I uttered strong words, but I knew I was speaking the truth. «So if you want to treat me as a best friend, try no more. I’m leaving, and that’s that. If you want to help me, please, go upstairs and pack a suitcase for me. Stuff it with whatever you see fit. If I find a ticket, I’ll take the ship leaving at midnight. We’ve got two hours.»
He looked at me pensively. «Fine. Since you want to go, go. But, at least, wait till morning comes. You can go by plane. Stay the night and rest.»
«Thanos... I’m leaving tonight.»
He dropped his eyes and made for the stairs.
I was alone for a while. I heard something crying and sobbing in my mind. It was the thought that I shouldn’t leave. It was weeping, pleading with me to stay and fight for what was worthwhile. Not for Ellie’s love or Michalis’ friendship. These, I had already entombed so deeply that I didn’t know if I could find them, even if I ever wanted to resurrect them. I had to stay and fight for my lost dignity.
I worried it over. Should I keep my distance for
a while and let the hands of time treat my wounds and scars? It might take so, so long. One day, though, one bright morning with a clear sky, I would wake up, ready to start all over again, fighting with life, until I won. Yet, there was no point. I was overwhelmingly reluctant to try. I felt that on that one bright morning I’d be too weak to get out of bed, let alone fight with life.
A long journey was ahead of me. Thanos came down with my suitcase, just as I was rummaging through my forlornly untidy drawer to find my passport. I cherished the day I had it issued, with a view to going on a trip with Ellie on the spur of the moment. It was a trip I would now never make.
While Thanos was upstairs, I found the time to prepare an envelope. It contained the keys to the bookshop.
«Make sure you give this to Natalia first thing in the morning. Give it only to her. Explain what happened and that I’ll be away for a while. Sooner or later, she’ll figure out I will never come back.»
Thanos took the envelope and looked me in the eye.
«Never?»
I postponed my reply. Not because I didn’t know the answer or hesitated, but because I didn’t want to sadden him. It might be the heat of the moment, but all my replies were summed up in one word:
«Never.»
We both carried that word along on our way out. I double-locked the door as I always did when I intended to be away for a long time. I wished I could now lock more than twice and throw the key into the sea.
We climbed into Thanos’ car. When we reached the port, he pulled up, as close to the ship as possible, to shorten the distance I’d need to cover. He accompanied me all the way to the ticket office, carrying my suitcase. Taking money out of my pocket to pay for a single bed cabin, I turned to look at him.
«You wish there weren’t any tickets, right?»
It was our last smile for the night. It was a night that would last for several years, until we came together again.
He followed me on my way to the ship and, once we stopped in front of the hatchway, he turned to me:
«Will you leave even if I refuse to give you your suitcase?»
I looked at him, but didn’t answer. We hugged each other. He was about to cry. So was I. We were gloomy over an ending written by fate with her sharp, decisive pencil. We weren’t two men. We were two schoolboys separating for the summer. But, in our case, we didn’t know when our September would come.
«Well, I’ve no strength to stand much longer. I’m going on board to rest. Take care of Natalia. I trust only you.»
He nodded his head, biting his lips.
«Thanos... Don’t bear a grudge against me for going away, but...»
«Just go.»
Without saying anything else worth remembering as a farewell, he gave me my suitcase. I looked at him with love and sympathy. In that very moment, I saw exactly why we two were friends. I wanted to wink at him, but my eye was swollen tight.
When I turned my back, I realised there were other people at the port; people I hadn’t noticed, people having their own story to narrate. I felt so strange at the time. I boarded the ship, hearing the sound of another ship’s anchor diving into the water. I didn’t look back to see if Thanos was still there. I imagined his eyes watching me and I just kept walking towards the porter at the entrance.
«Are you all right, sir?» he asked me, visibly concerned.
«You won’t believe me if I say I’m all right, but don’t worry. I’ll make it to my cabin.»
«Shall I call the doctor on board?»
«No, no, please, it’s not necessary», I told him, handing over my passport and ticket.
«Please, come on in», he said after checking my papers. «You’ll find your key at reception.»
I thanked him and made my way upstairs, which took me some time — my dizziness overwhelming me. I arrived at the reception desk, where I gave the same answers to the same questions about my sad, broken face. Thanks to a persistence I still cannot fathom, I managed to get hold of the key only by promising to see the doctor in my cabin that night.
A little later, after I had settled down, I heard knocking on the door. It was him. When he stepped in, he looked at me in surprise.
«Hmm... You’re worse than the description I’d been given», he said, taking a closer look at my face.
I had seen myself in the mirror when I got home, but it didn’t occur to me that my injuries would worsen with time. He applied ointment on the bruising, while across my wound he secured a small bandage.
«Did you return the blows?» he asked me, tongue-in-cheek, which brought me laughter and pain at the same time.
«Yes. Fortunately, I dealt a few blows myself.»
«With which hand?»
I showed him my right one.
«Do you feel any pain or discomfort?»
He was right. Over the last hour, my wrist had been aching, but it was nothing serious. To be on the safe side, he decided to bind it for a few days. Once he was done, he made me promise I’d visit him by eleven o’ clock the next morning. Otherwise, he would visit me.
21
I was alone again. Alone. Completely alone. I felt I knew nothing about life, that I hadn’t lived a thing, that all my life was a never-ending swirl around myself. I was ready to be reborn, boasting for memory a handful of sand where waves lap against the shore.
I would reach Ancona the next evening. Then I would catch the train to London with all the necessary transit. My wounds, all kinds of wounds, needed time to heal, and this had to happen before I saw my brother. He shouldn’t see me like that.
I slept at intervals and each time I woke up, I saw the foam of waves glittering in moonlight. Between sleep and awake, I saw myself like a dolphin following a ship. The ship was the life I would never live back in Greece. Yet, the more distant the ship grew, the more I kept following it, as if I were begging to touch that life. I was sorry, not because I had lost two people, but because along with them, I had lost myself. I would change and I had to get used to what I would become — no matter what that would be.
Dolphin on the one hand, thoughts about Michalis and Ellie on the other... How would they react to my leaving? Which of them would feel the need to apologise? Which of them would have regrets? What about my aunt, my uncle and Natalia? Aunt and Uncle would feel secure at the prospect of my living with Pavlos, but Natalia would feel sorry that I left her in the lurch. She might even feel furious in her abandonment.
My little Natalia... I always knew she was more mature than me, but she was always my little sister. Until she understood the real reasons why I left, she would see my departure through her own kaleidoscope. I had been a shoulder to cry on. Who would play that role now? I was sure she would keep her distance from Ellie and Michalis, so all she was left with was Thanos. They had never been very close, but what I could vouch for was that they would get along just fine. I wished for that. And my wish would be granted.
How fast I was moving away from all this... I would soon reach a point where not even my imagination could guide me back to that place. I would position my compass on the map of nostalgia, waiting for it to show me my own true North — that view from my favourite veranda. Only then might I find my way...
22
Waking up early the next morning, I realised we were mid-sea, between two lives, the one that had already ended and the one ready to begin. I looked out through the round porthole. The ocean was all I could see. If I didn’t remember where I had departed from, I would easily surmise I had been born on board that ship. That thought was so convenient.
I visited the doctor, after I had breakfast. I felt much better, despite the minor aches and pains.
«They will have subsided in two to three weeks’ time, without any marks, I hope», the doctor informed me, and after closer examination:
«No, I don’t think there’ll be any marks.»
After he gave me some ointment to treat the swollenness of my eyes with, I thanked him and left. I returned to my cabin, feeling the need to lie
down for a while. Only in this way could I pull myself together. Once in Ancona, on the train, it would be hard to find such a comfortable and quiet place to sleep. So, putting my thoughts aside, I turned in towards sleep.
When I woke up, the Italian coastline was a strip in the middle of the scuttle. It barely made itself known from among the colours of the dusk. We were very near. I felt relieved. After I gazed at the lights on the shore for a while, I started packing.
I wondered how the day had begun in Greece. Quite logically by now, they must have learnt I left. Natalia and Aunt surely wanted to communicate with me, but they didn’t know how. Michalis and Ellie... No, I didn’t care to follow that thought.
23
A few hours later, having obtained a ticket to Milan, I was waiting for the train on one of the platforms at Ancona Centrale. It was weirdly unnerving being amongst so many strangers. Even if I searched, I don’t know if I’d find someone speaking the same language as me. Different people, different languages and cultures, with different stories and passions, with different departure points and destinations.
Something sudden and fleeting came over my face. It was a unique, refreshing and exciting sort of feeling. The first beautiful feeling of my brand new life. In that moment, I felt I didn’t simply exist, but lived. I at last realised I was alive. I sensed my hands, my feet, the weight of my suitcase, the pain in my face, the cold wind across the open platform. It may have been impossible due to the distance, but I was sure that the click sound I had just heard came from a door. It was the door the hand of the train station’s clock had shut behind, as it walked into room 9. I felt as if I could smell the leftovers of the sandwich a cat was pawing on the opposite platform. I saw a man in suit running after a train, which threatened him with its closed doors. I didn’t matter at all that these may be thought of as silly, ridiculous thoughts.
I was alive!
In my excitement, I nearly missed the announcement of my train’s arrival. Italian was not my forte.
A Life In A Moment Page 5