He wanted me to come back, I realized with a dim sort of confusion. He was having the same reaction I was, and on more than one level.
For a moment I doubted what I felt, then a sliver of his pain hit me again, weaving into some part of me I couldn’t see, affecting me physically, too. My stomach hurt, but it wasn’t just that. I felt my face flush, my chest and thighs warm...I felt myself start to respond, to reach back in his direction, and I panicked, cutting it off.
His pain worsened, turning almost liquid.
It was unmistakably sexual.
I was still sitting there when he dropped the pretense, asking me openly to return to the room. When I didn’t respond, he pulled on me harder, letting me feel the want behind it, until I clutched the edge of the sink.
Stop it, I thought at him, gasping.
After the barest pause, he receded.
Somehow I remained lost in his light; my skin flushed as I realized the flavor of his thoughts.
He asked me again, politely that time.
When I gave a short laugh, his mind retreated. But not entirely.
I felt him thinking again...just before he started to open his light. I felt emotion expand off him, that near-vulnerability I’d glimpsed in the room. It grew stronger as it mixed with the pain, until it slid into my light...
I panicked, pushing him back.
That time, he withdrew until I barely felt him.
Still flushed, I staggered to my feet, buying myself time by examining the bruises that ran all along my legs and arms. Limping to the tub, I felt about eighty years old as I bent to twist the porcelain shower knobs all the way to hot. As water heated in the ancient pipes, I stood in the basin, shivering. I tried to ignore the waiting I felt behind his silence.
Allie, he sent softly. ...please.
The pull behind it cut my breath.
Pain flickered around the spaces between us, and for an instant, I hesitated, staring at that void, feeling it with him. The lost feeling worsened...
Then I stepped under the hot water.
I let my mind go blank as the smell of steaming hot lake water rose off my hair, sliding off my body like a second skin. I lowered my head as the water beat at it, sending brown, brackish water down the sides of the tub and into the drain.
I felt him watch me as I continued to stand there. His light flickered around mine, silent, waiting.
For a long time, it didn’t move away.
13
REJECTION
I STOOD BEFORE a silhouette target, trying not to feel foolish as I fumbled with the safety of the gun I gripped in both hands. Ullysa told me twice what kind of gun it was, but all I remembered was what Ivy called it—her Baby Eagle.
Dad had been more of a rifle and shotgun kind of guy.
“Stop stalling,” Ullysa said. “You have only perhaps a few more days before you and Revi’ must leave here, Esteemed Bridge...”
I nodded, only half-listening.
Being here, surrounded by seers, I forgot we were in Seattle most of the time, even as I watched the skyline change from day to night and back again through the windows of the upper floors. It was as though the building and all its contents remained disconnected from their physical location in the middle of the human city. The one thread between it and us was the steady stream of clients for the prostitutes.
I still couldn’t grasp the extent or prevalence of this kind of thing, meaning, seers living under the radar, smack dab in the middle of human civilization without any controls. I was curious about it, sure, but a little hesitant to ask a lot of questions at this point. I’d already made the mistake of mentioning SCARB once, and managed to silence an entire room.
It had been Kat, of course, who broke the silence.
“Why doesn’t SCARB mind our lack of sponsorship?” the Russian seer said. “Well...perhaps, cub, we do them the courtesy of not killing them out of deference for the preciousness of living light. You see, what you call ‘sponsorship,’ we call slavery...unless you know a way to own a seer’s aleimi without owning the seer? If so, please share it with the rest of us. You truly will be our savior then, oh holiest of Bridges!”
Some in the room hid smiles, but I also saw anger aimed in my direction.
“Would you like sponsorship, cub?” Kat asked then, her lips lifted in a cold smile. “Shall we call SCARB for you? Perhaps they mind your lack of sponsorship now, eh?”
Only later did I muster the nerve to ask Ullysa what aleimi meant.
Turned out, aleimi was the seer word for the light bodies I’d seen behind the Barrier, those structures and geometries I’d seen on Revik and other seers when he’d brought me into that other place. They also called it ‘light’ more generally, or ‘living light.’
Ullysa further defined aleimi as, “the ability to carry light.” When I asked if this was like ‘soul,’ she shook her head. She said that humans and seers were equal in soul, but they differed in this ability to carry and manipulate light. No direct translation of the word existed in English, she said. It was strictly a seer word.
I was learning that even their language had a Barrier component, meaning words that contained meanings that required an ability to see with the added structures in their light. Generally speaking, their words carried more compound meanings and nuances in general, with one of their words needing two or three to translate into English. Ullysa said more about this, about words being symbols and all symbols having unspoken layers that exist inside a shared cultural understanding. Since more than half of all shared seer understanding came from Barrier-consciousness—a split consciousness unshared by humans—translation of many of their core symbols to human language remained literally impossible.
I even understood this, in part.
I’m not sure how understanding it helped me, though.
Ullysa and I now stood in a cement, sound-proof bunker that had been built into the hill itself, complete with a firing range and rows of storage lockers that held everything from ammunition to plant seeds to casks of water and enough food for everyone in the building to eat for at least a few years. Ullysa jokingly referred to it as their “ark.”
She stood behind me, looking like a movie star even in protective glasses and with soundproofing mufflers over her ears.
“You should let Revi’ help you with this,” she said loudly over the sound-deadeners, repeating herself for the fifth time.
I nodded, staring at the target.
When Ullysa clicked at me, I glanced over at her face.
“Why will you not speak to him?”
“I really don’t want to bother him right now, Ullysa,” I said.
“Why?” the woman said, exasperated. “Because of Kat? You threw her at him, and now you complain when he uses her to cope with—”
“Hey!” I held up a hand. “Come on! I really don’t need to know about his ‘coping’ methods, if that’s all right with you...”
With Ullysa, I’d given up pretending I didn’t care where he slept.
That very first morning I’d woken up in Seattle, I’d entered the kitchen after my shower, wearing borrowed clothes and following the smell of coffee and faintly burned toast. There, Kat and two others, Ivy and the African-looking seer from the night before, looked up from where they lounged on barstools, leaning on a high, marble counter next to platters of eggs and toast. Ullysa followed me inside the kitchen, too, almost as though she’d been waiting for me to vacate the bathroom.
I avoided Kat’s stare, focusing on the eggs and trying not to notice that I could still feel Revik, like a faint scent in my light.
Briefly, hunger had overshadowed the other thing I felt.
All three seers looked up when Ullysa entered the kitchen behind me, but it was the African-looking one who focused right off on the empty space above my head, presumably noticing the same thing that had captivated Ullysa earlier. After scanning me thoroughly with a sharp gaze, she glanced at Ullysa with raised eyebrows, then at Ivy.
Iv
y only smiled, making a shrug-like gesture with her hand before lifting a mug of coffee to her lips.
Kat gaped above my head in open disbelief.
“He’s awake,” I said. I met Kat’s eyes. “You can see him, if you want.”
Ullysa stiffened. Shock wafted palpably off her light.
The African woman and Ivy had exchanged looks as well. None of them spoke, but I felt their minds crackle around me. My words snapped Kat back to her usual hard demeanor.
Even so, her smile had the faintest bit of surprise in it as well.
“Thanks, worm...I accept.”
Her choice of words hit me strangely. Still, I didn’t speak as she rose to her feet. She walked out of the room, not bothering to close her robe as she brushed by me on her way out. The African-looking seer left too, but her eyes held as much puzzlement as Ullysa’s, and it didn’t feel as though she were following Kat.
Ivy stayed.
She and Ullysa remained silent as they piled eggs and toast on a plate for me and poured me a cup of coffee, shoving cream and sugar within my reach.
Ivy finally broke the silence.
“He might not like that,” she said tentatively. “Even if the two of you have decided to wait to complete things...he still might not like what you did.”
I halted a forkful of eggs halfway to my mouth.
“I just meant...” Ivy looked at me apologetically, shrugging with one hand. “You offering him to Kat. Even if you are trying to be generous, he might take it...wrong.”
She hesitated, looking to Ullysa for help.
Ullysa was more direct.
“Ivy is right,” she said. “It is rejection. More than that...for a seer, it is overt insult. Are you angry with him?”
I stared between them, gripping my coffee mug. I cleared my throat.
“No,” I said.
Ullysa finished pouring herself a glass of juice. Not doing a very good job of hiding her puzzlement, she clicked softly, exhaling in a sigh.
“Alyson, perhaps the circumstances are not clear to you. Males are quite vulnerable after. Given his history, Revi’, in particular, will have trouble with this...even without Kat there.” She studied my eyes and face, and her expression softened. That same softness reached her voice. She clasped my arm warmly. “Please do not take him personally right now, sister...or do anything rash. He agreed, the same as you. There are no ‘mistakes’ with these things. Give him time to adjust. He is perhaps not reacting to this in the way you imagine...”
At my silence, Ullysa glanced at Ivy.
Gesturing delicately then, she added, “If he has asked to wait to complete things, as Ivy said, it is likely logistical only. He may wish for a construct in a more secluded location, away from other seers. Revi’ can be quite traditional, in his way.” She exchanged a wry smile with Ivy. “In any case, be assured, sister...the delay won’t be for long.”
I looked between them again, feeling my sense of unreality worsen, even as my pulse turned rapidly into a hummingbird’s.
Ullysa’s smile faded.
She and Ivy exchanged another glance, this one worried.
Ullysa said, “Surely you must sense some portion of...what occurred?”
I felt my face redden, wondering again if Revik and I had had sex in some kind of seer-induced coma. I was about to ask, when Ullysa cut me off.
“No,” she said decisively. “You must speak to Revi’.”
“But you just said—”
“It is absolutely not our place to explain this. He would be furious with us, if the two of you have not spoken of it yet. And rightfully so.”
I looked at Ivy, who only nodded, eyes serious.
“You should do it soon,” Ullysa added. “No matter what he says.” Her violet eyes met mine, hardening as her voice darkened. “Kat will not be able to help him with this for long, sister...and I won’t have you retaliating, not in my home.”
She gestured sharply, as if in judgment.
“...It was an open offer. We both saw it. If you let it happen now, you have absolutely no recourse if he accepts.”
At the serious look in both women’s eyes, a kind of fear grew in me, but not one that impelled me into movement, even though they both seemed to be waiting for me to leave. I had no intention of chasing down Kat.
If he didn’t want her there, he could damned well tell her himself.
What I hadn’t wanted to think about, though, was the other reason. The one where if I did go into that room, I’d have to explain to Revik why I didn’t want Kat there. I’d sworn off the jealousy thing after Jaden...and the possessiveness thing, and the trying to control what other people did thing.
As I pictured Kat in there with him, though, the pain came back in a sharp swell...along with fear, a sudden realization that I didn’t really want to think about why I’d decided not to take him up on his offer of sex before breakfast. For that’s what it had been, I realized blankly. He’d asked me back to the room for sex...and he’d barely had the self-restraint to be polite about it.
When I didn’t move, Ullysa sighed again.
That had been over a week ago.
When I’d finally returned to the bedroom with the orange walls, later that same day, Revik was no longer in it. No one came out and said anything, but it was pretty clear I’d committed some kind of major faux pas.
Ullysa’s voice jerked my mind back to the present.
“Are you going to try?” Ullysa said, exasperated. “Or will you simply stand there? With all respect, I have other things that need doing, Esteemed Bridge.”
I raised the gun half-heartedly, aiming at the dark human outline in paper hanging from a clip attached to a mechanized pulley about twenty feet away. Forcing my mind to a blank, I steadied the gun with my other hand and fired off three shots. Each one threw both of my arms back into their shoulder sockets.
When the sound died, I refocused on the target, lowering the gun.
Only one bullet had even hit the white paper, and that was a tear in one corner that even I had to admit was likely dumb luck.
Clicking at me, seer-fashion, Ullysa held out her hand.
“Give it to me.”
I handed over the gun, swinging my arm to get the kink out of my shoulder. Something caused me to glance back as I did it, and my breath caught.
Revik stood by the door, his long body leaning against the frame. His eyes narrowed, focused on mine, then shifted to the paper target.
He raised an eyebrow.
I felt my face flush. Wiping a few strands of hair out of my eyes, I found I didn’t know what to do with my hands. I finally stuffed them in the pockets of the jeans Ullysa had lent me. I focused back on her, trying to listen.
“Watch,” Ullysa said, raising the gun. “You are closing your eyes...and jerking every time you squeeze the trigger. You are not even looking at the target, Allie! There is no way you would hit it like that.”
I nodded, feeling Revik’s eyes on me still.
“Revi’ told me your father taught you to shoot—”
“Rifles.” I heard the defensiveness in my own voice. “...And I was a kid. I never took it up as a hobby.”
“Well, fine. But with a rifle you also must aim...with your eyes open. And it is normal to flinch, but you must train yourself not to jerk.”
I nodded again, then glanced back in spite of myself.
Revik had vanished from the doorway.
I felt a pang that made it hard to breathe.
I’d never been the mooning type, not even with Jaden, so it made me crazy how I found myself reacting to him. Worse, it felt completely outside of my control. He was even starting to look different to me...and definitely not worse, unfortunately.
Maybe I really did have Stockholm Syndrome.
I felt Ullysa watching me, a curious look on her face. I waved the weapon away with a grimace when the beautiful seer offered it.
“Forget it. I don’t think guns are my cup of tea, ‘Llysa.”
&
nbsp; “You must learn, Alyson.”
“Maybe some other time.”
Ullysa frowned, glancing at the door. For an instant, her eyes slid out of focus. When they clicked back, she frowned again, muttering under her breath. She indicated toward the target with her free hand.
“Once more. Please.”
Sighing, I caved, taking the gun. Once more. Right.
I raised it to eye level, pointing it resignedly at the target.
As I concentrated on aiming that time, however, a grid appeared behind my eyes...not dissimilar to the grid I’d seen while driving, the one Revik had shown me. I felt him with this one too, and flinched...but he held me in place, almost as if he stood behind me, gripping my arms.
Just watch, he sent. Trust me.
I bit my lip, but forced myself to relax.
In the middle of that grid, a sharp spot of light hovered near the target.
I fought not to react as his presence retreated, leaving me standing there, shaking and a little sick-feeling, staring at the grid and that sharp spot of light. Once I relaxed a little more, I saw that the grid originated from one of the geometrical shapes above my own head. I aligned the grid and the sharp bright spot with the silhouette on the paper.
“Gently,” Ullysa said.
I glanced at her in surprise. I’d forgotten she was there.
I started to pull out of the Barrier, but a faint pressure told me to stay.
So he hadn’t left entirely.
Aligning the grid once more, I forced a deep breath...and squeezed the trigger.
Inside the Barrier, there was no need to flinch.
Without clicking out of that calm state, I aligned the grid over a different part of the silhouette, firing again. I fired a third time, and a fourth. It all seemed to happen slow, like in a dream, but when I opened my eyes, the corridor between me and the target still drifted with smoke.
Ullysa laughed aloud, clapping her hands.
I stared at the target. Four neat holes punctuated the head, chest and abdomen of the shadowy outline. For a bare instant, I flushed in elation, tinged with a near relief that I’d finally managed to hit something, and that I might even be able to repeat the trick on my own.
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