by Nina Post
There was another gap of silence.
“Cool,” Imamiah finally said.
They looked at movement by the entrance. Crocell came in, followed by Elysia and the Jackal, both of whom weren’t looking at each other.
Raum saw Kelly turn the corner toward the conference room. “Are you with me on this?” he asked Forcas and Imamiah.
They said yes.
“Where’s Vassago?” Raum asked Crocell.
“Oh, I think he had to poo.”
“Well, I have to go to the amenity committee,” Raum said. “You coming?”
They left the automat, tossing their trash, and saw Kelly go into the club room.
Kelly opened the glass doors to the conference room and took a seat at the table. A minute later, Charlotte came in.
“This is the first meeting of the Amenity Sub-Committee.” She put some papers on the table. “As all of you know, management conducted a resident survey to determine which amenity they most wanted offered here at Amenity Tower.”
“That was my idea,” Charlotte said.
“Yes. That was Charlotte’s idea,” she said flatly. “Anyway, eighty-seven percent of residents responded, and the number-one request was a heated lap pool for older, arthritic death worms.”
Raum turned his head slightly and winked at Forcas.
“I’d like to put it on the record that I don’t agree with this,” Charlotte said.
“Oh? I thought this was your idea,” Raum said and Kelly stifled a grin.
“It was, but—”
“You can’t really disagree with the majority vote,” Kelly said. “This is what the residents want. It wasn’t even provided as a choice—every single one was write-in.” She paused and gestured to the Jackal. “The Jackal is going to give us a short presentation on the special needs of death worms so we can manage this project accordingly.”
The Jackal cast a wary look at Elysia and turned on the projector, which cast onto the back wall in white. “Lights?”
Kelly turned off the lights.
The first slide was a death worm at play, moving through large hoops. “Death worms are amphibious, like frogs,” the Jackal said. “Ideally, the lap pool will be consistent with the death worms’ natural habitat of warm, gelatinous goo. Up until this point, death worm owners have used their own supply in their unit, often made of gelatin and warmed with a large heater.”
Raum scribbled down notes with keen interest. Kelly chugged her coffee. She hadn’t been sleeping well, what with Af and also with compulsively engaging in rehearsed arguments with Charlotte in her head.
The Jackal continued. “I also highly, highly recommend that the pool contain exercise rings. Death worms are prone to certain hereditary conditions, including arthritis and hip dysplasia.”
“Hold on—death worms have hips?” Crocell said.
“Yes! This fact is obvious to anyone who cares to take on the challenging but rewarding task of caring for a death worm through its life.”
Kelly could tell that the Jackal felt on edge in general, nervous with Elysia in the room, and even further unsettled by Elysia’s unruffled placidity.
“So we need to get this… goo,” Raum said. “We build the structure and fill it with the goo. Which is still considered liquid, right?”
“It’s not that easy,” the Jackal said. “You can’t go buy death worm goo in this quantity.”
“Why not?” Crocell asked.
“You can’t. I mean, I suppose you could find a distributor, buy it in bulk, but for the individual owner, if they don’t go with gelatin—which is labor-intensive—you buy sealed five-quart tubs, enough to cover a death worm. I get them delivered. That’s why this lap pool is so exciting! They’ll have room to really stretch out, room to play. And the goo, which should be kept heated to a temperature of 83 degrees Fahrenheit, will help relieve the pain of their arthritis.”
Kelly addressed the Jackal. “I want you to research this and find a manufacturer who’s willing to make and deliver the amount of death worm goo that we need for the lap pool.”
“OK. I can do that.”
“We’re seriously going to do this?” Charlotte said, incredulous. “This is no way to compete with Ultra-Amenity Tower. We need to concentrate on fitness, on fire pits—”
“That’s not what our residents want,” Kelly said. “Look at the surveys. They want amenities for their death worm and they want ways to connect with other residents. I think they want to feel less lonely. Less isolated.”
“Oh, please. No one wants that,” Charlotte said.
“Obviously, they do. And they want a lap pool for their death worms.”
“Well, I’m going back to Claw & Crutty and letting them know about my concerns.”
“Go right ahead,” Kelly said. “We’ll get working on the death worm lap pool project and brainstorm some other amenities.”
Charlotte got up and left the room.
“I thought she’d never leave,” Raum said. “There’s something off-putting about her. So, are we getting food, or…?”
“No.” Kelly sifted through the surveys. “What does everyone think about a regular group that watches reruns of What’s On Your Mind, With Roger Balbi in the club room, or in a volunteer’s apartment?”
Hands went up.
“Elysia?”
“She votes yes,” the Jackal said, after looking briefly at his former paramour.
“How can you tell?” Forcas asked.
The Jackal shrugged.
“Good,” Kelly continued. “What about a Cluck Snack group where everyone tests, compares, and recommends Cluck Snack snack lines? I could possibly talk my father into being a special guest for one of them.”
Hands shot up.
“And, uh… public crying events, where people watch sad movies and cry together,” Kelly read.
Some hands went up.
“Why would someone do that?” Raum asked.
The camel spider spoke up. “It would be a safe environment where people who feel terribly sad, or kind of sad, can be in a supportive environment and not be alone. I think it’s a great idea.”
Elysia rippled.
“And so does Elysia,” the Jackal added.
“What kind of sad movies are we talking about?” Crocell asked.
“I don’t know, like… Grave of the Fireflies,” the Jackal said. “It’s better than staying at home by yourself and feeling sad. If this were a regular thing, possibly every night—”
“Every night?!” Raum said.
“—it could provide a significant benefit to residents who are,” the Jackal hesitated and blushed, “lonely. Maybe you’re at home, alone, eating ice cream and listening to This American Life, which is nice, but maybe you want some company, which is why I love the idea of a group that watches reruns of Roger’s show. We could provide a sign-up sheet if anyone wants to host showings in their apartment, whether for one episode or multiple episodes. May I suggest one of my own?”
Kelly gestured for the Jackal to go ahead.
“Has anyone suggested an Amenity Tower book club?”
“No,” Kelly said.
“Philistines,” the Jackal muttered.
“I agree,” the camel spider said.
Kelly continued down her list. “We also have votes for poolside drink service, multi-species yoga classes, and an insulated/padded room for molting, screaming, etc. Unfortunately, these would take us over our budget.” She stacked the surveys again. “This was a good start. The lap pool is going to be a huge project, obviously…” And they still had the flashing project to do. She could do with an assistant manager, not a pain-in-the-butt, bean-counting co-manager. “So, we’ll start the book club, the Cluck Snack suggestion group, the public crying group, and the What’s On Your Mind, With Roger Balbi watching group.”
“And we hope to see all of you at the Christmas party!” Raum said, smiling broadly. “May the best death worm win!”
After finally getting out of th
e amenity committee, Raum could feel his human form feeling all scrunched up. He went back to his condo to change for the fitness center, dutifully installing caloric energy via a tall glass of low-fat chocolate milk, and got a call.
“It’s done,” the voice on the phone said. “Here’s the routing number for transferring the funds. You know, I would kill for a flat white. Ha ha.”
It occurred to Raum at that moment that the flashing project would undoubtedly take longer to finish now.
Back in the office, Kelly looked through the file of death worm registrations to get a better idea of the demand for the lap pool, and to do some preparation for the upcoming holiday party at the same time. She pulled the Jackal’s form for Björn.
Death Worm Registration Form
Type of Death Worm (Peruvian, Abyssinian, Other): Abyssinian
Name of Death Worm: Björn Astro Revelstoke
Age of Death Worm: None of your business
Weight of Death Worm: None of your business
Sex of Death Worm: Male (most of the time)
City License Registration #: 045904392
Death Worm Fee ($200 per Death Worm Annually or $20 Monthly): Annually [x] Monthly [ ]
The privilege to keep a death worm in accordance with this Agreement shall be revocable by the Association, if the death worm unreasonably disturbs other residents of the building or becomes otherwise troublesome to the Association.
Each owner of a death worm shall bear full responsibility for personal injuries or property damage caused by their death worm, and each owner shall indemnify the Board, Association, Property Managers, and owners and occupants of the Units and hold said parties harmless against any loss, claim or liability of any kind or character whatsoever arising from owning or keeping a death worm in the building.
I hereby agree to the above conditions:
Unit #: 1203
Owner Name: Jackal
TO BE COMPLETED BY MANAGEMENT:
Proof of current inoculations: (Yes, attached)
Proof of liability insurance: (Yes, attached)
Picture of death worm: (Attached)
Management Representative: Roger Balbi
She took the applications the management office had received already for the death worm fit and show, checked the registration form for each, and called a supplier to rent an agility course.
She had enough problems with her insecurity over filling Roger’s place. She got the feeling that she would live or die on providing death worm amenities for fallen angels and monsters from other dimensions. And she did not want to die on the petard of death worm amenities, neither literally nor professionally.
It Was So Gratifying to Finally Have a Female Mentor
he Jackal rode Björn down the hall and parked him right in front of Kelly’s office.
Charlotte shot up from her chair. “It is against Amenity Tower rules and regulations to bring a death worm through the common areas.”
“This is the management office,” the Jackal pointed out. “It’s maintained as a common area.”
“And through the management office.”
Kelly watched this from her desk, dividing her attention between the complaint letter in progress and the scene in front of her.
“It doesn’t matter,” the Jackal said, all haughty. “Björn is a therapy animal.”
“That’s outrageous,” Charlotte snapped. “Don’t even try it.”
“Something you should’ve said to yourself when dressing yourself this morning,” the Jackal snapped back. “And I have a note from my therapist, Dr. Günther Schlising.”
Without looking up, she kept typing the letter and said, by rote, “We can’t keep out anyone who needs a therapy animal, even in a no-pets building, which we are not. We also can’t require the tenant to pay a higher security deposit than we would charge anyone else. However, we can require payment for any damage the animal causes, like the owner of a non-therapy animal.”
The Jackal gave Charlotte a dismissive look and took off his riding hat, letting his glorious, shiny blond hair fall around his shoulders. He smirked at Charlotte, and she left the office, shaking her head. Kelly was heartened by this display.
“I have some information about the death worm goo,” the Jackal said, approaching her desk.
She snorted a little as she finished composing a sentence. Sometimes, she’d swear she had the best job in the world. “Great. What is it?” She sat back and gave the Jackal her attention.
The Jackal waited a moment, a grin starting, and gave her jazz hands. “Gefilte fish!”
She squinted. “What now?”
“Do you know what that is?”
“In a basic sense. I mean, couldn’t reverse-engineer it or anything…”
“Gefilte fish, in whatever suspension it comes in, is a really good match for what we need in our lap pool.”
“Hold on,” she said. “You’re talking about the aspic-like coating gefilte fish is in, do I have that right?”
“Yes!”
“Great! Did you talk to anyone?”
His face fell. “Do you know long it took me to figure this out?”
“OK. Call the gefilte fish companies and find out if we can buy the goo.”
The Jackal sighed, nodded, and put his riding hat back on. “I should have thought of that. I was just so excited to tell you.”
“And that’s good news. Nice work on the research.”
He turned. “You think so?”
She nodded. The placated Jackal got back on his death worm—his therapy death worm—kicked in with his heels, and rode down the hall.
Kelly printed the letters and took them to the front desk so they could have someone, possibly from maintenance, put one in each floor’s trash room. The Jackal and Elysia argued in the lobby between the door that led to Pothole City Donuts and the carts that residents used for moving and transporting large packages. Kelly tried not to overhear, but they were right next to the front desk.
“You have too much of an emotional connection with Brad,” the Jackal said.
Elysia gurgled.
“Yes, it is true, and I’m not jealous. I’m tired of you prioritizing Brad and his feelings over my feelings. And that’s not right, Elysia. You canceled our trip to Barcelona. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.”
The Jackal took Björn into Pothole City Donuts, this time leading Björn with a leash.
“Doesn’t he know he can’t take a death worm through the lobby?” Tom asked her from behind the front desk.
She rolled her eyes. “It’s a therapy animal now. But I’ll talk to him.”
“Because you know all of the other death worm owners in the building will cause a ruckus about it, and say that their death worms are therapy animals, and the next thing you know, this lobby is crawling with death worms. It’s not sanitary or safe.”
“I know, Tom, believe me. I’ll talk to him and put a stop to it.”
“Oh, by the way, FedEx tried to deliver that package again.”
“Damn. If they try again tomorrow, don’t let them leave. Call me and I’ll come talk to them.”
The Jackal came back out with a box of donuts. “Emotional eating,” he told Kelly on his way through the lobby. “But I’m going to call those companies now.”
Raum, Forcas, Crocell, Imamiah, and Vassago met in the automat and huddled in a tight group in the corner.
Kelly picked up a coffee, a sandwich, and fruit salad and took a small table with a view of the door. She’d noticed Raum whistling past the indoor pool and saw Forcas go the same direction a minute later, followed by Crocell, Vassago, and Imamiah. She wasn’t going to let every bound angel in the building form a conclave without knowing what they were up to.
There was a new spider with Raum’s group—one she didn’t recognize. He walked in like he wasn’t used to walking at all, immediately got up on the light fixture, and hung upside down in the middle of the board members.
A female spider came into the
automat.
Kelly thought she looked vaguely familiar and remembered that she’d seen her move into a condo in the building yesterday. The spider on the lamp dropped on the table, making Crocell scream, and dropped off the table to the floor.
The camel spider had stopped staring at the food options and now stared, riveted, at the female spider, gracefully selecting an apple and a butterscotch pudding.
The camel spider and the new male spider off the lamp moved closer, conspicuously, not even attempting to be subtle.
Kelly hoped there wouldn’t be a situation. She was no Roger. But she did have excellent hearing.
“What in the name of Achaiah is going on?” Forcas said. “We were in the middle of negotiations!”
Vassago spoke in a low voice. “I believe that what we’re watching is a competition over fertilization. There is only one female spider in Amenity Tower, as far as I know, and there she is. Our assassin friend will be fighting with our troublesome board member to inject his own sperm packet.”
The other board members groaned.
“Really, Vassago?” Imamiah said.
“What? I’m objectively stating what’s happening here. It’s obvious to me.”
“Oh, excuse us for not being up on the mating habits of—”
“All of you, shut up,” Crocell said. “Kelly’s right over there.”
“So?” Forcas said. “We’re not discussing anything.”
The female spider rolled her eyes at the two male spiders.
“She’ll probably defect to Ultra-Amenity Tower,” Crocell said.
“Oh? And should I start referring to each of you as ‘comrade’?” Raum said. “Are we a building of spies? No, we’re not even a building of spiders—there are only three, and UAT probably has none. It would be an even worse situation for her over there, and she probably knows that.”
“Whatever. But look—he’s so distracted now.” Crocell pointed out the assassin spider, who single-mindedly sniffed around the female spider, even with the camel spider close by. “Our assassin spider is never going to get the job done, unless and until we get that female out of the building.”