“I see. When you say coughed up blood, can you describe what it looked like?”
“Very red.” Levi squeezed my hand. “Mixed with some mucous, but still red.”
“Okay, we need to get you in for an X-ray and then we’ll talk again after.” He made some notes in Levi’s chart and left.
I opened my mouth to say something, but the nurse came in before I could get anything out.
“Follow me and I’ll take you back to radiology.” She had a kind smile that sort of put me at ease. Levi didn’t say a word as we followed her. I took his hand hoping that my being here was giving him some strength.
I wasn’t allowed back with him, so I waited in the hallway in one of the yellow plastic chairs that lined the wall. I tried to think about anything else but what could be happening with Levi, but no dice. I imagined every horrible possibility and felt like I wanted to be sick. My phone lay in my hand almost willing me to call Ruth. Just as I was dialing her, Levi came back out.
I smiled weakly and stood up quickly. “How did it go? Did they say anything to you about what they saw?”
“No.” He didn’t say anything else.
We were brought back to the same room we had been in and waited once again for the doctor.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked softly. He was so quiet and that was scaring me more than anything. Levi was the talker out of the two of us.
“I don’t know what to say right now. I’m trying not to freak out until we know what’s going on.” He didn’t meet my eyes. I blinked away tears and put my hand in his.
Ten minutes later, the doctor came back in with the X-rays in hand and placed them in one of those lighted window things.
“Do you see this here?” He pointed at a spot on one of Levi’s lungs.
Of course, we saw that. How the hell could we miss it?
“What is it?” I asked.
“We’re not sure; it could be a few things. I’d like to send you for a CT scan so we can get a better look at what’s going on in there.”
“When can we get that done?” I asked.
“We’ll see what they have on the schedule. Usually, it’s within a week.”
A week? Seriously? We had to wait a week to find out what this was? I couldn’t do that; we couldn’t make it a whole week.
“Can you give us an idea of what you think it is?” Levi finally spoke.
“There are a few things it could be. Pneumonia, of course, would be the simplest diagnosis, but it looks a little different from what we see here. Another could be a fibroid tumor. Or it could be cancer. We won’t know for sure until more tests are run.”
Cancer. The one thing I had been avoiding in my head. I couldn’t breathe all of a sudden; it was as though all the air in the room had been sucked out.
We went out to the front desk to make the appointment for the CT scan. Levi went and sat down on one of the chairs. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I glanced at it and winced when I remembered I was supposed to be teaching a class right now.
Gwen: Where are you? Is everything okay? It’s not like you to just not show up.
Me: Something’s going on with Levi. We’re at the Dr’s right now. It looks serious. I probably won’t be in today. I’ll check in first thing in the morning okay?
Gwen: Oh my gosh! I hope he’s okay. Please tell me if there’s anything I can do. I’ll find someone for your classes for the rest of the week. Take all the time you need. We love you.
Tears burned my eyes; the family I had acquired in the last year still surprised me. I returned my attention to making Levi’s appointment. We were lucky and they had an opening in two days because someone had canceled. We were to report to radiology at seven in the morning. And hopefully, we would meet with the doctor later that same day to discuss the results.
“Come on. Let’s go home.” I held out a hand for Levi. He took it reluctantly, and we walked back out to the car.
I drove home. Levi stared out the window the whole time, his hands in fists on his thighs. I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. He went straight back to our room and closed the door as soon as we got home.
I wanted to cry, but I was terrified that I would never stop once I started. Instead, I decided to call Ruth. I was not at all looking forward to making this call. I sank down into a chair at the kitchen table and dialed.
“Ruth?” I said softly.
“Becca? Hi honey, how are you?” She sounded so happy. I hated that this was going to crush her.
“Um, something’s come up.” I couldn’t think of the words to say.
“What’s going on?” The happy tone was gone, replaced by worry.
“Levi …” The tears I had been trying to hold back refused my order and fell down like a storm.
“What about him? What’s going on?” The panic in her voice broke my heart to bits.
“He’s sick,” I whispered. “They think it could be cancer. We don’t know anything yet. I’m so scared, Ruth.” I sobbed into the phone.
I heard the sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone and then several deep breaths. “We’ll get through this. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. How is he? What are his symptoms?”
“He’s not talking right now. I’m sure he’s in shock or whatever. I’m giving him a bit of space. He needs to process this. He told the doctor he had been feeling off for a couple of months but assumed it was allergies. Last week the fever started, and then this morning, he coughed up blood.”
“That doesn’t sound good at all.”
“No.” I traced my finger along the pattern of the tablecloth.
“Do you want us to come out there?”
“I don’t know. I have to talk to him and see what he wants. Can I let you know later?”
“Of course, you can. Call after you talk to him and we’ll go from there.”
“Thanks, Ruth.”
“How are you doing with this?” She asked the question I didn't want to think about. I didn’t know how I was doing with this.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen, you know? We just got started. Nothing like this should happen.” I choked on the words; they tasted bitter on my tongue. Hadn’t I already been through enough?
“Oh, honey. I know.” The complete understanding in her voice made my heart clench in my chest. This was her son, her baby. The terror she must be feeling, yet she was trying to make me feel better.
The click of the bedroom door opening caught my attention.
“He’s coming out. I’ll call you later okay?”
“Okay. Love you.” Her voice was sad.
“I love you too.” I pressed the end button and set my phone on the table as Levi walked into the kitchen.
“My mom?” He nodded to the phone.
“Yeah. I hadn’t wanted to call her before, but now ...”
“But now indeed.” He sat across from me.
“Talk to me.” I reached across for him, but he didn’t meet me halfway.
“I’m scared. No, that’s not right. I’m fucking terrified. This can’t be cancer, Becs. I can't have cancer.” He clenched his jaw.
“Baby.” I leaped from my seat and flew around the table to him. “We’ll get through this together, okay? No matter what, it’s you and me.” He leaned into me, pressing his head against my chest. I stood for a long while, stroking his head, trying not to lose it.
****
The days prior to Levi’s CT scan were the longest of my life. We both decided to forgo classes for the rest of the week until this was sorted out. Neither of us could have concentrated anyway.
Levi had tried to talk me into going to dance class, but I shot him down. I couldn’t be away from him, not even for a second. So far, he had only had one other bloody coughing episode. It scared the life out of me.
Bright and early the morning of the scan, Levi and I bundled up and headed out to the hospital. I held his hand the entire ride over as if the constant contact would keep him safe.<
br />
We walked through the doors together and stopped short when we saw the group of people waiting for us. Ruth, Sam, Chad, Sadie, and Julian stood in a little cluster just inside the doors. Oh God, these people. Our people. My heart melted.
Levi smiled tightly and hugged his parents. Chad came to me immediately.
“Hey. How are you holding up?” His tight hug felt familiar and just right.
“Just trying to get through today, you know?” I tried for nonchalance but failed miserably.
“It’s going to be fine.” He rubbed my back.
“But what if it’s not?” I whispered.
“I don’t know.” Sometimes I forgot that he was only fifteen. We had both grown up way too early in life.
Sadie took her turn with me next. “Hey sweetie, how are you?” She searched my face, worry painting her features.
“As well as can be expected, I guess. Thanks for being here.” I squeezed her hand.
“There’s nowhere else we would be right now.” She gestured to Julian, who was talking with Levi. He had a hand on Levi’s shoulder.
Levi met my eyes and then glanced at his watch. It was time. We would have our answers today hopefully.
We all walked as a group to radiology. Somehow, I felt safer, but I’m not sure why. Like if we were all together, then nothing bad could actually happen. I trusted my new parents to chase the bad dreams away, even if I was awake.
Levi checked in and they took him back. We sat in the same row of yellow plastic chairs I had waited in two days earlier. Sadie sat on one side of me, and Julian the other. They both held my hands as we waited for Levi to return.
“Talk to me,” Julian said in a soft voice. “Tell me what you’re most afraid of.”
I turned to look at him. “I’m scared that I’m going to lose him. We just got started; he’s not allowed to leave me yet.”
He nodded. “It’s a scary thought, for sure. Will you stop living? Will it be the end of you?” I hated him for asking those questions. But I knew what he was doing.
“No, it won’t be the end of me, but he’s my soul, the other half of my heart, Julian. I can’t do this without him, this whole life thing. He promised me we’d always be together. He promised.” The tears began to fall, and Julian pulled me into his arms and we walked a little ways down the hall.
“Becca, you’re strong. Probably stronger than most women your age. You’re going to get through this, and you’re going to be whatever he needs you to be. I’ll be right there with you. I’ll come to doctor’s appointments; I’ll do whatever you need me to do. You’ll never, ever, be alone in this. Do you believe me?” He held onto my shoulders, staring into my eyes.
At that moment, I loved him so much. Julian, the brother of my heart. He had never been anything but amazing, and I knew that he would be a strong shoulder for me to cry on when I needed.
“Of course, I believe you.” I sighed and leaned into his arms, letting him pour out his strength onto me for a moment.
Sadie joined us a moment later. “Everything okay?” She touched my arm.
“Yeah, Julian was just giving me a bit of a pep talk.” I smiled weakly.
“He’s good at those.” Sadie looked at him with love in her eyes.
Levi came out looking like someone had given him a death sentence. I rushed to his side, feeling like I was going in slow motion.
“Baby?” I pulled him into my arms. “Did they tell you something?” I pulled back a bit to look in his eyes.
“It’s not pneumonia, it’s something else entirely.” A tear slipped down his face. My heart broke in two.
“What now?” I whispered, darting a glance at the little knot of our friends and family waiting off to the side.
“Dr. Simmons was in there. We’re going to his office now to talk about the results and what to do from here.”
“Okay. We’ll get through this, whatever he says. We’ll get through it together.” I prayed that he didn’t hear the terror that I felt inside.
He brushed his lips against mine, the barest whisper of a kiss, but I knew there was a lot of emotion behind it.
“Let’s go figure this out.” I held out my hand, and he took it.
The family kept their distance for the moment, and I was grateful for that. Levi wasn’t in a place to talk at the moment. We needed to find out what the test actually showed and go from there. They followed us to the office and sat in the waiting room. Each of them gave us a brave smile as we passed them.
Dr. Simmons was in his office when we walked in looking at his computer screen. He looked up as we sat down, his face grim.
“It appears to be a tumor. We won’t know if it’s cancer until we do a biopsy, but I think you should prepare for the worst diagnosis. Given his symptoms and what we saw, it’s very likely that it’s cancer.”
The floor dropped out from under me. Cancer. Inside, I was screaming, raging. It couldn’t be cancer; he was so young. We had our whole lives ahead of us.
I came back to attention when I realized the doctor was still speaking.
“We’ll need to do the biopsy soon, within the next few days. Once we know what we’re dealing with, we can begin a plan of treatment.”
Levi had gone ghostly white; even his lips were pale. I didn’t know what to say, my words had left me.
“We’ll get you scheduled for tomorrow if we can, and then we can move forward. Do you have any questions?”
“What does the biopsy entail? What will happen?” I asked, needing all the information I could get.
“We will give Levi a mild sedative to keep him calm during the procedure. Then we’ll numb the skin and make a small incision so we can insert the needle. We’ll be doing a CT scan during this so we can get the needle placement correct. Once we have the correct placement, we will withdraw some of the cells so we can see exactly what we’re dealing with. It’s pretty routine, and it will only cause minor discomfort.”
“Okay.” I nodded and tried to remember everything he had said.
“My nurse will give you a set of instructions for the biopsy when you schedule the appointment.”
I nodded once more and pulled Levi to his feet so we could leave. He was a robot, moving only when I made him, not speaking a word. As we exited into the waiting room, and his parents saw us, I wanted to die. I didn’t want to tell them. Levi sank into a chair, immediately flanked by his parents and Julian. Sadie came to me instead, the saddest expression ever on her face. She knew; I didn’t have to tell her. I gave her a quick hug, not allowing myself anymore or I would lose it. I made his appointment for the following morning, and we all headed out to our cars.
Everyone followed us back to our condo. I didn’t know what Levi wanted; he hadn't said anything in the car.
“Do you want me to tell everyone to go? Would you rather it just be us?” I touched his cheek after I parked in the garage.
“Doesn’t matter,” he mumbled.
“Okay,” I said softly. I had no idea how to handle this. He was already retreating, but I didn’t know how to make that stop, how to pull him back from the darkness.
I let us all inside, and Ruth immediately started making lunch for everyone, always the caretaker.
Levi went straight back to our room and closed the door behind him. I didn’t know if I should go with him or stay out. What did he want? Did he need the time alone? With everyone either in the kitchen or the living room, I walked down the hall to our room and opened the door slowly.
I found him sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the wall. Sitting next to him, I slid my arm around him and pulled him to my chest.
“I don’t want to die.” Those were the words he spoke, and they shot an arrow through my heart. He sounded defeated already.
“You’re not dying, and you won’t die until we’re both about one hundred.” I needed to believe these words as much as he did.
“I knew something was wrong, Becca. For two months, I’ve been ignoring it. I wanted to bel
ieve it was just allergies or not getting enough sleep. The truth of it is it’s been staring me in the face all along. I’m not ready to leave you yet. I’m scared, Becs. I wanted to be the one to take away all of your fears and make you feel safe, and now, I’m the one who can’t sleep because I’m afraid I won't wake up. How can I get past this?” Tears slipped down his cheeks as he held onto my arms.
“You don’t always have to be the strong one. I promised you I would love you and take care of you forever. The same promise you made me. It’s you and me now, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. It’s you and me forever.” I leaned in and kissed him, our tears mingling on our cheeks.
Chapter 4
We had our diagnosis. Cancer. Such an ugly word, filled with fear and anger. I hated it. I hated everything that Levi was going through. He barely slept anymore, which meant I barely slept.
School was out of the question for now. We both withdrew for the semester, at least, needing time to figure things out. I still was on the schedule at work, but only because Levi wouldn’t let me stop. He said we both needed it, the normalcy of it. So today, I was sitting in my small studio waiting for my girls to arrive for their lessons.
“You okay?” Gwen stuck her head in.
“I don’t know. It’s a lot to take in.” My smile wasn’t genuine, and she knew it.
`“Cancer is horrible. It doesn’t care if you’re young or old, what you want out of life, or if you just got married.” She sounded like she knew from experience.
“My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was a teenager. She fought so hard and went into remission for about seven years before it came back with a vengeance. Cancer stole her from me three days before my twenty-third birthday. I know the fear and the pain you are feeling. You’re never alone. I’m here. If you need to vent or tell me how scared you are. I know the feeling of having to be strong for them. You don’t have to be strong with me.”
“I ... I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry you lost your mom. I could never have prepared myself for this journey. The constant fear that when I close my eyes to sleep, he won’t be there when I wake. That he’ll slip away and I will have missed it. It’s irrational, I know, but I can't seem to stop myself from watching him sleep, the peace in seeing his breathing.”
After We Fell (Falling Fast #1.5) Page 4