Sara, Sara, fucking Sara. Will that name ever not make my insides ache with guilt? Why are you etched so deep in my goddamn useless soul that I can’t even take a breath without breathing you in? He doesn’t know her, he doesn’t deserve her, he doesn’t understand that she can’t love him. She will always be mine; there is nothing or no one who can make her un-love me, us, or what we should’ve had. I’ve tried unloving her my entire meaningless life, and all I’ve managed is to love her even more. This should be our time, not theirs. That fortuneteller predicted that we would be together—not them. She should be in my arms, letting me love her for the whole world to finally see. William Knight, a fucking child, another British piece of shit she found to hurt me. He made sure to call me to send his condolences and tell me that when I see his fiancée, I should congratulate her on their upcoming wedding. How could she agree to marry him? Does the universe think I need to be punished more? Losing my wife, my best friend, isn’t enough heartache, so it made sure I’ve lost Sara, too? We waited half our lives for this moment in time, and now, I wish I were the one being buried, and not Jacqueline.
I can’t fucking be around her and see her in the same room as our kids and watch as they bury my best friend. I wasn’t supposed to lose them both. Doesn’t she know it wasn’t my plan for us to be apart for all those years? Didn’t she understand that I couldn’t leave Jacqueline? How was I suppose to leave a piece of my heart, the girl I couldn’t imagine living without, the girl I never dreamed could love me back and be my wife for as many years as she was? Jacqueline was supposed to leave me; me leaving her was never an option. My head knew what was right, and I’m lucky I got to have those years with her. And Sara had agreed, she understood, she’d promised to never stop loving me. I did everything I could to keep them both happy. I tried, God how I tried, but I couldn’t be in two places at once. I love nothing and no one like I love my family—Jacqueline, Sara, Juliet, and Jacob—they’re my whole fucking life. I couldn’t leave Jacqueline when she was sick, and I couldn’t choose Sara when she’d lost all hope.
Most men can’t find one girl to love, and I somehow found two exquisite women who were my whole goddamn world. Now I’ve lost them both, and this worthless existence is finished, done, over, finito. I lost everything. How did I manage to fuck it all up for us? Timing, it’s all about timing. What if Sara wasn’t fifteen when we’d met? What if I never came back to see her on her birthday? What if I didn’t talk to that old fortuneteller that night? What if? What if? What if? The truth is, I wouldn’t change a thing. Loving them both didn’t feel wrong; it felt right. It was my purpose. Timing! It’s all about fucking timing. If I hadn’t left her alone that night in The Pierre hotel two years ago to go back home to Jacky, she and William wouldn’t have met. She would be in my arms right now and we would finally get our chance at happiness, and that old gypsy woman’s words would finally materialize. I would never be happy that Jacky is gone, but I know I did the best I could and loved her with all that I had until her last breath.
I picture Sara’s lovely face, but then I remember the way she looked at him. Did she ever look at me that way? That night when I came back to the hotel to see her, I’d stood there like a stupid stranger, an intruder, watching them in their own world. I had no choice but to tell him about our kids, in the hopes of him leaving her alone. But the way she’d frantically called after him when he handed her back to me and left—did she ever fight for me like that? Ever since that day at The Pierre, I knew that my dreams of the promised future I’d always imagined would never come to be, and I’ve been dying a slow, painful death ever since.
They don’t belong together. They have no right getting married. How I’ve dreamt to one day make her my wife for the world to see. I want a chance to make her smile like she did that night we first made love in New York. I want the whole fucking world to know how much I love her and our kids … and yet, I’d made sure to never show anybody how I felt about her—feel about her. I kept her tucked away like a precious jewel, afraid someone would take her away from me—someone like him. Sara doesn’t even care that we have kids together. She stopped waiting and never fought for us; she just effortlessly walked right into his fucking arms. She should be in my arms. I thought having children together would cement our lives and be enough to keep her from ever doubting how much I love her, but she needed more. It wasn’t fair to make her wait, but I couldn’t do a thing. I had no fucking choice. I’m a selfish piece of shit, and in a twisted way, I loved them both. I couldn’t hurt them—or me—and let either of them go. I’m lost without them—both of them.
I sink into the couch, clutching the bottle of tequila like a newborn baby. I look at the bed on my left; it’s perfectly made and hasn’t been touched in years. It mocks me and my fantasy of a life with Sara. I look around at the place I’ve designed for Sara, knowing these walls have seen a sea of heartache at my orchestrating. I close my eyes in pain while I hide from everyone and myself inside an imaginary world I once shared with Sara. I’m inside the apartment that Sara sold two years ago after our children’s custody hearing; only I found out two days ago that it was Jacqueline who secretly bought it. My wife left me the key inside her letter and commanded me to be the man she married and go after and fight for what is rightfully mine. I was supposed to bring my family back together and set my life to music. But I lost them both and now all I hear is silence.
“Jeff, you up, buddy? Can you hear me?” Eddie’s voice filters in as he shakes me. Fuck. I hope we don’t have an exam today. Wait, crap, I didn’t study for any tests!
I frantically jump out of bed as my old, worthless brain tries to clear through the alcoholic haze I’ve been drowning in for days. My mind slowly begins to comprehend that I’m not a poor, twenty-three-year-old law student oversleeping for some exam after a night of partying, but I’m a thirty-nine-year-old attorney who’s just lost everything and hiding out in what was once his secret portal.
I’m almost one hundred percent sure that I’m not hallucinating, and that the person fixed before me is not a mirage but Eddie Klein, my former best friend. How did he find me? How did he get in? This man standing next to me, I would trust with my life, even knowing that he hates me for loving and ruining his little sister’s life. I hate me, too, so I can’t blame him for trying to protect the people he loves. I would protect Sara for the rest of my life if she’d let me. I never should’ve kept my feelings for his beautiful sister away from him. I should’ve told him from the start how I couldn’t stop thinking about her, that I cared and respected her, how I wouldn’t touch her until she was legal. I should’ve told him that at eighteen, she made the conscious decision to love me back. If he’d known about us, maybe he would do a better job at keeping her away from me? Maybe he would explain to Sara that I loved Jacqueline from the beginning of time and that she should find a good guy, someone who will only love her? Maybe, maybe, maybe, enough!
I shake the worthless thoughts out of my mind. I loved Jacqueline, and it was my responsibility to make whatever life she had left good and happy. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I didn’t intend to love them both and lead Sara on for all those years. I had no right promising his sister anything. My heart always belonged to Jacky first; she was my best friend. What we had to live through … I couldn’t let my best friend go through that alone. I never abandoned either of them; they were just different parts of me. And I became dependent on both of them to function. I just wish I hadn’t hurt everybody the way I did.
Sometimes I wish I was never born; they’d all be better off without me.
I just stare at Eddie as the memories of my youth flood my veins like fire torching what’s left of me. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time, and yet I’m almost certain nothing would change.
“Hello again, Jeffery Rossi.”
My stomach churns the second I hear that wretched British accent as I turn to meet his glare. The bastard who stole a piece of my heart; the boy who gave her everything I never could.
Why is he fucking here? Is this one of my nightmares? As I take a shaky step toward the British fucker who ruined my life, I instinctively want to punch him and erase that victorious smile off his happy face. Mentally, I pound his face in, yet in reality, I try and swing my fist with all my strength, but I’m too weak to even lift my arm in the first place. My head weighs a ton and keeps bobbing back and forth. This is an illusion; it’s not real life. I look up as I feel myself being carried by some big guy, and as he callously drops my naked body down on the couch, I realize it’s the one and only Louis Bruel.
“Eddie, he’s fucked. Let’s get him some OJ and coffee—he needs food. I don’t know what kind of shit he’s on, but we need to get him cleaned up.” Louis barks orders at Eddie. Bossy motherfucker, always telling everybody what to do.
“E, don’t listen to him. I don’t need food. Get me some vodka with ice and a lemon,” I mumble as the three of them gawk back at me in silence. “What do you jerks want from me, anyway? Eddie, E, my boy, my brother, my best friend in the whole wide world, we haven’t seen each other since that fucking custody hearing. And you, Louis, last time I saw you, it was at your stupid penthouse inside The Pierre hotel where you fucking talked me into going back home and leaving my Sara to calm down and run into this fucker’s arms again. You guys are no good for me. Thank you for coming; now leave. I’ll get my own vodka.”
If my body wasn’t so limp, and if I had the strength, I’d throw them all out. I can think but I can’t move. Her pretty-boy keeps looking at me. He won’t stop staring me down like he wants to tell me something. He wants to rub my face in him having won—by stealing what was rightfully mine.
“You see something you like, asshole? In America, it’s not polite to stare at someone’s dick. If you have something to say to me, fucking say it and get the fuck out. I can’t stand looking at you with that dirty smirk. I-I-I should’ve killed you for trespassing on private property that night in that hotel.” Just another rich bastard who gets to have whatever he wants, even if it’s not his. Our children could’ve had both their parents together if it wasn’t for him. How could she be with him?
“Do you have no shame?” he finally says with that holier-than-thou tone of voice.
“Shame? Did you just question my shame, motherfucker? I didn’t take another man’s woman like you. I’m not breaking up a family, like you. She is my life, and you just took her as if she didn’t belong to me.” He doesn’t give a shit about what he did to us, to our family.
“Sara doesn’t belong to anybody but herself, and especially not you.” He shakes his head and smiles like I said something funny.
“Don’t fucking say her name. You dirty piece of shit,” I yell back. I try to get up and finally have it out with him like we should’ve done two years ago in that hotel. If Sara hadn’t fainted that day, if he wasn’t holding her in his arms, I would’ve annihilated this scum.
“You have a family, mate, and you’re breaking your family up right now. Wake up! Your kids need you. They don’t know where you are. They just lost the only mum they’ve ever known, and their father is on the other side of town getting wasted. I despise you, Jeffery. You are a coward, and I can’t stand the sight of you. But I love Sara more than I hate you, and for some reason, she wants you to come back to your kids and be their father. Be a bloody man. Go help them with the loss of their mum. Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” he preaches to me.
“Those kids don’t need me. They need Sara, but you stole her from us. I’m nothing without her. Don’t lecture me on what and whom they need. I won’t go back unless I go back to her.”
He smirks at my words. He thinks I have no chance with her. He clearly doesn’t understand what we share and what fate has waiting for us. But one day, he will, and then I’ll be the one visiting him while he’s hiding somewhere drunk and confused.
“Who’s stopping you? Go and get yourself and Sara sorted. She’s been bloody waiting for you to show your mug for over two days now. Did you know your wife’s funeral is today? If you stay here a bit longer, you may even miss the hearing where Sara is granted full custody of Juliet and Jacob, and then I’ll be their father. Is that what you want, Rossi?” His words are like acid—they burn all the open, oozing wounds inside me. I want my kids and I want my fair chance with Sara. Sara, Sara, she’s my Sara! I waited so long for this moment, and never have I imagined it would end and hurt like this.
“I’ll go back and figure everything out with my kids … if you leave New York. Let me talk to her without you. I have things I need to say that have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with our kids. Respect what we share and let her deal with me without you.”
William’s eyes enlarge as he instinctively glances over at Louis, who simply shakes his head, and then to Eddie who makes a “don’t look at me” gesture before his worried eyes meet mine again.
“All right, go talk to Sara and I’ll be waiting in St. Lucia for her. We have a wedding to get to. I’m not the reason she’s not with you—you’re the reason,” he proclaims with that cocky smile again. “She came back to New York to see you and her children, but you made the wrong decision, like you always seem to do. Your choices are to blame, not me, mate,” he finishes, turns his back on me, and walks toward the door.
As soon as Louis leaves after him, I drop back on the couch. I have no strength nor will to go on. Eddie comes and sits on the blue velvet couch his sister once picked out, not looking at me but captivated by the dozens of black and white photographs of Juliet and Jacob—his niece and nephew—covering the walls.
“Jeff, I’ve known you for way too long, dude. I’ve never seen you like this. Are you high? Those kids … they’re your kids, man; they depend on you. Jacky, poor Jacky died knowing that you would take care of them in every way possible, but they physically need you right now. Stop obsessing over my sister; it’s over. It’s been over. Get your life together, brother. Look at everything you have. You own one of the largest, most prominent law-firms in New York. There’s a plethora of people depending on you. Sara is finally happy. Please, leave her alone. She doesn’t have that sad look in her eyes anymore. My sister is not keeping you or the kids inside like a dirty secret.” He finally looks at me. “He’s a good guy, and he loves her. He makes her happy and they’re getting married. I blame myself every day for bringing you into her life, but I love you despite everything you’ve done to her. I love you because you’re the father of my niece and nephew, even though they know nothing about me. I know you’re not a bad guy. You’re fucked in the membrane, but you’re not a bad guy. Please, don’t prove me wrong. Come home and deal with your life like the man I once thought you were.”
I know he’s right. I just need to convince my heart to keep beating and be strong enough to go back home, even if nothing ever feels like home anymore.
“I’m sorry for all I’ve done. Eddie, I love her so much—you have to know that. I’m sorry I couldn’t make her happy. She deserved to be happy. I tried to make them both happy and not break either of their hearts, but I fucked up. I would never have asked her to wait for me or promised her a future if I’d known Jacky and I would be together for all those years. I fucking hurt her so much. I would do anything for her.” I fail to hold back the sob.
“If you love her, get up, clean up, and be present for your kids. They need you. That’s what Sara and Jacky want. I’ll be waiting outside to bring you home.”
He gets up and pats my back, not like a friend, but more like a stranger looking down on you with a mixture of revulsion and pity. I don’t blame him one bit.
I’m left on my own to chew over all the words they left floating around me in this cold, soulless space that no longer feels like home. This was once our sanctuary. When we walked through those doors, life made sense, but nothing makes sense right now. Isn’t this who everybody—including Sara—thinks I am? A bastard who cheats on his sick wife with a girl he brainwashed into loving him, asking her to wait for nothing? They all think
I’m a dirty lawyer who fucks anything that moves or looks my way. Would they believe me if I told them I haven’t made love to another woman since Sara, in that hotel room, over two years ago? Probably not, and the only woman who knew the truth is now dead, anyway. Will Sara ever stop hating me? How do I get through to her? How can I win her love back if I’m here, hiding? They’re all right. I need to stand up and start fighting for her and our family like a man or I may as well be dead.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley
A good person, a good man, a good father wouldn’t leave his children a few days after their mother died to go hide in a secret love-shack he once kept with their biological mother. Juliet and Jacob deserve a good parent, and not a shit mess like me. I’m a worthless, empty excuse for a man without my wife, I’m nothing without Sara, and they can’t see me like this. If they look into my eyes, they’ll know I’m dead, too.
My secretary has left no less than two voicemails every fucking hour on the hour—my father-in-law, too. The whole world wants to tell me how sorry they are for me. I only check my phone to make sure it’s not my babies trying to reach me. My parents and my whole family are at my house with them, and all I can think about is how alone we are. My mind won’t let me forget about Sara—the girl I once met in a New York club on a dirty dance floor, the girl that offered to blow me as a joke, only the joke was on me. Just one kiss and she fucked me up for life, but I’d do it all over again because I owe her everything. What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s as if my heart is finally allowed to explode and all the feelings and thoughts I’ve trained my mind to keep under control are blasting out, and I can’t do anything but let it consume me. The prophecy I’ve held onto for fourteen years has waited long enough, and it begs to finally play out.
Lost In Rewind (Audio Fools #3) Page 2