Lost In Rewind (Audio Fools #3)

by Tali Alexander

  “So you’re not together?” I ask, still confused because maybe I missed something. My heart is beating way past what I’m sure is considered normal, and I can’t decide how I feel about this woman or the things she’s telling me.

  “Right. I also have a feeling that you still don’t know about a very important aspect of his life, which I’m sure he would like to be the one to tell you about. But you should know that I will always love him and the kids, and I plan to be around to watch and help them grow. He is the man who has navigated me—good or bad—to where I am today, and for that, I will always be thankful.”

  I nod and continue to power blink, absorbing all the farfetched information this woman is sharing with me. She clearly cares about him and his children, which is odd being that she said she’s married to someone else. I want to yell with frustration and simultaneously hide at the prospect of inevitably coming face to face with the eyes I see every single minute in my mind. I stop pretending to understand and be okay with my current situation, and close my eyes to try and calm myself down from the storm heading toward my heart.

  “I’ll let Jeffery know you’re awake, and I’ll go make sure Juliet is in bed. It’s nice to finally meet you … Sarah,” I hear Sara Knight say. “You should know that in all the years we’ve been together, he never once came after me—trying to find me. Only true love refuses to be stopped by obstacles—distance, reason and logic.”

  By the time I open my eyes to look at her, she has already left the room. I’m alone on Emily and Louis’s, or whatever their names are, boat. I quietly recap my crazy situation in my head. I just met his daughter and his ex-girlfriend and I have my most precious possession back in my arms—unharmed—but perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned so far is that Jeff Rossi came halfway around the world to look for me, me! And he brought his friends and family along with him.

  “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera

  “Why are you still not sleeping?” I proceed to tuck my little hooligan princess in. Jacob is passed out on his stomach, blissfully snoring, while his sister is a ball of energy ready to bounce off the walls. I’m staying in the kids’ room tonight, since I have Sarah situated and resting in my room.

  “Daddy, I don’t want to sleep. I’m not tired. I just met a really, really, really, nice girl, and she said I could teach her to play the violin. Her name is also Sarah, and I know that I was the one that found her and not you, but I still think she could be our angel, just like Mommy said.”

  I can hardly swallow after hearing her words.

  “You met Sarah, the girl sleeping in my room?” I query with trepidation.

  She nods with more excitement than I’ve seen in a long time. I sigh, taking a deep breath. Things never happen the way we envision. Juliet wasn’t supposed to see Sarah before I had a chance to explain everything. I smile, trying to picture their encounter. I wish I could’ve been there when she ambushed Sarah. I need to tuck this little menace in and go see my daughter’s new friend. She must be dazed and confused, and if Juliet got to her, she may be overwhelmed as well.

  “Will you try and go to sleep while I go and talk to your new friend? I’ll let you know if she’s our angel or not.” But I already know she is.

  She lunges herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck, and kisses my cheek with little pecks over and over. I hug my little baby as close to me as I can. She is the sum of everything I love—she’s my soul. She lets go of me and gets under the covers next to her brother and pretends she’s fast asleep. Silly girl, I love them both so much.

  I leave the twins and walk in the direction of my cabin. I see Sara leave the room and walk toward me in the hall. Great! It seems that all the people I love have already met my angel.

  “Sara,” I cautiously pronounce her name, which may sound like a greeting, but it’s actually a question.

  “Jeffery,” she responds with a side smile that begins to answer my silent interrogation. “She’s beyond scared. You should go talk to her ASAP. She just woke up on a freaking yacht with a bunch of strangers and got a violin lesson from a seven-year-old. I’m not sure what you told her, but she was under the impression that you and I, or ‘Eddie’s little sister’ as she put it, were together. I want you to be responsible and explain us and JJ to this woman before anybody gets hurt; it’s imperative that you do. You need to make it right with her. She shouldn’t feel alone in her state. I could actually feel her loneliness when we found her on that beach.”

  I stand and listen to Sara direct her worry and frustration at me, and all I can think about is my Sarah, who was once Kali, only a few steps away from me feeling scared and overwhelmed. I don’t want her to feel any of the things Sara is describing.

  I nod and give Sara a quick kiss on the forehead, anxiously compelled to see the woman who’s hijacked my life. “I’ll make it right,” I promise as I prepare to walk toward my future. “I won’t hurt any more people by keeping away the truth,” I declare as I proceed to knock on her door.

  I’m about to hear her voice for the first time since she hung up on me over six months ago. I’ve waited to hear her voice every time I picked up my goddamn phone. I take a deep breath and walk in after she calls out for me to come in.

  This is it! This is what I’ve crossed continents for—to see her.

  Our eyes lock the second I’m inside the small room. I had a million things to say to her, and now, I just stand silently watching her, letting our eyes become reacquainted. I can’t believe we actually found her, I can’t believe she’s really here, and I can’t believe Sarah and I were fated to be together long before we ever met.

  “Forgive me.”

  “Pardonne-moi.”

  We both say at the same time.

  What can she possibly be sorry about? “Why are you sorry?” I hope my question doesn’t sound harsh or cold.

  “I should’ve called you back and let you tell me the rest of your story after my phone died. I was selfish. I didn’t want to hear that you and your friend’s sister were getting back together. It was just one night between us and it was my fault. You never called me back, which confirmed everything in my head.” She whispers the last part, sounding ashamed.

  “I thought you hung up on me. I figured you heard enough. I was a mess and I couldn’t drag you deeper into my fucked-up world. Why would a young girl like you need the baggage that an old man like me comes with? I’m sorry it took me this long to figure everything out. I need for you to know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you for one second since that night. I can’t turn off everything you brought back to life. Whether you knew it or not, because of you, I was able to get up every single day and face the world. I miss you, Sarah.” I call her by her real name to her face for the first time, wanting to shout it from the rooftops. How did I stay away from her for this long?

  Her lower lip trembles ever so slightly while her eyes enlarge, as if in disbelief. Does she not feel what I feel? I can’t look away from her. The pictures on my phone don’t do her justice. I forgot how magnificent she is in real life, the most exotic being I’ve ever witnessed. I wait for her to say something, anything, because I need to know she’ll allow me to be next to her, get to know her, prove my feelings, and be a part of her life.

  I continue to stand with my back against the door, too afraid to move closer to her. There are words that need to be spoken, and if she won’t say anything, then I will. “When will our daughter be born?” I ask her without warning as I drop my gaze to where her hands are resting protectively.

  She lowers her eyes to her growing belly, and once again, remains silent. She probably wants nothing to do with me, but I know that’s my child growing inside her, and I deserve at least a conversation.

  “Please talk to me. I don’t know what you’re thinking, and I don’t want to lose you because you somehow think I don’t care about you or our baby.”

  “How do you know it’s yours?” she spits out with anger coating each word.

  W
hy is she angry with me? I didn’t know she was pregnant. Is she angry it took me this long to come after her? Is she angry because she thought I was with Sara? Is she angry with me because she assumed she’d have to raise our child without me? Did she have any intention of ever telling me? So many questions fire off in my mind simultaneously, and it makes it hard for me to stay focused. I remind myself that she's finally within my reach and not alone somewhere, lost in the world.

  “Your grandmother told me it was my daughter fourteen years ago. Your grandmother moved heaven and Earth to make sure I find you. Don’t push me away. I know I’m not perfect, and I’m not good enough for you, but I love you and I will love our baby, too. I want a future with you. I waited my whole life for you to grow up … you are the promised music I’ve been waiting for. Please tell me I’m not crazy,” I yell. She needs to say something!

  “September first,” I hear her say. “Our daughter will be born en Septembre. But I don’t want you to think that you owe me a thing. I swear to you, I can provide very well for her without you. You don’t need to feel obligated to me,” she mumbles foolishly without looking at me.

  I take a few strides toward this woman who has affected every cell inside me and kneel by her side. “I set out to find you and tell you that I can’t function without you. I didn’t know about the baby. I didn’t even know if you still remembered me. I just had to see this spectacular woman named Kali who has turned everything upside down, the same girl I couldn’t imagine not seeing again. On the way to find you, I also found myself. Coming after you set everything on the right path and life started to make sense again. You are my Sarah! Joella Gitanos didn’t lie, she didn’t make a mistake, it was always you. I just wasn’t ready for you and you still needed to grow up.” I take hold of both her hands together in mine and kiss them. She must know how important she is to me.

  “I met your daughter.” I can sense the smile in her voice without having to look at her. “I think she likes me and my name, and especially my violin. Unlike her papa,” she adds sarcastically.

  I look up into her eyes. “I love you, and your name, and especially your violin. It helped me find you.” If she only knew how much I want to kiss those lips.

  “I also met the woman you love—your original Sara. She was very gracious to me. She cares about you and your enfants very much.” Her voice changes, no longer carefree.

  “Sara and I have been involved since before I got married, I’ve told you that. She was always there for me. Instead of taking drugs to ease the pain, I would get a dose of Sara. We lived in limbo for years. I should’ve stopped going to see her, stopped making promises, because I had a wife that I loved very much and would never leave, but I was a coward. I was scared I’d be alone once Jacqueline’s disease caught up. Sara Klein was the egg donor—the biological mother of my children. I always thought she and I would end up together, and having us be parents was the only promise I could give her to ensure we had a future. It was our secret and the one thing that kept us together for years.” I feel her withdraw her hands from my grip and lie back down. She shifts on her side, turning away from me. This is the reaction I was afraid of, the reaction I dreaded. But she needs to know everything. I want her to understand.

  “Three years ago, Sara met William Knight in a hotel in New York after she got evicted by her ex-husband. She was married for a few years, mostly for appearances sake; it wasn’t a real marriage. I walked in on her and William in that hotel, and the second I saw them together, I knew that we’d never have a future. You could taste their chemistry—she and I, we never had that. After that fated collision, all our secrets became everybody’s business. She rightfully fell in love with him and ceased having any kind of relationship with me. She was granted legal rights and guardianship of our twins, but ultimately, she left New York. She and William eventually found one another again, as true love always does, and they were supposed to get married twelve months ago.

  “I hadn’t seen Sara for two years, until a year ago when I asked her to come back to New York after Jacqueline passed away. When I went to her hotel room to talk to her, something horrible happened.” I close my eyes, remembering that horrific day.

  “What happened?” Sarah turns and awaits my answer.

  “I was asking her for another chance, for the sake of our children. In my mind, I have always held onto your grandmother’s words as a divine promise. She was the girl with the biblical name that would be my salvation. But she told me how much she loves William and how she never loved me the way she loves him and that they’re having a baby—she was pregnant. We finally had the conversation we should’ve had years ago, finally letting each other go, saying goodbye. One of Will’s security guards walked in, scaring her and me, and she fell to the floor, bleeding, and almost died in my arms.” I hear a loud gasp and notice Sarah grabbing her belly.

  “Did she lose the baby?” Her eyes are beyond expressive.

  “Yes, she lost the baby—not because of me or because she fell. She had an ectopic pregnancy and was bleeding from the inside, but thank God she’s still here. It’s a good thing I was there because Sara has a specific, rare kind of blood type, and the two of us are a perfect match. I still give blood regularly, just in case.”

  She sits up, listening.

  “When you and I met, and after we spent a night together, things began to fall into place. My love for you is different from the love I felt for Jacky and Sara. I can’t explain it, but it’s important to me that you understand you’re not a second choice or a consolation prize. What I feel for you transcends my past relationships, but only makes sense because of them. I long for your presence, and for the first time in my life, the unexplained void that was always there feels full when I think of you, and us; the questions that have plagued me are answered and I never want to be without you. I am the sum of all my choices, all my mistakes, all my experiences—they’ve all brought me to you.” I’ve been talking to her belly and finally chance a glance up.

  She has tears coating her stormy eyes.

  “Please don’t cry, and don’t be upset with me. If you want nothing to do with me, I’ll walk away and let you go, but I don’t want to. I want you and the baby and Juliet and Jacob; I want us to be a family. I want to try and make you happy. I can’t imagine a life with anyone but you. You need to know that before you send me away,” I beg and plead with the woman that holds my future and the fate of my unborn child in her hands.

  I hear her slowly inhale and then loudly exhale before she locks her bright eyes with mine, ready to deliver my verdict.

  “Will You Still Love Me” by Chicago

  The only man I have ever loved, besides my papa, is begging for me to give him a chance as I sit propped up on the bed, unable to move or speak, afraid this is all a deceitful illusion. I’ve now learned things about him that are causing my head to spin and my heart to shut down, but they still haven’t changed the way I care for him or his meaning in my life. He’s under the impression that I don’t want him because of our age difference and his messy past, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I thought it was me he didn’t want. Jeffery Rossi is on his knees, pleading for me to be a part of his family and sounds as if he has every intention of raising his unborn baby, the one I assumed he’d never know about or meet.

  I look away from my stomach and into his worried eyes. I have to tell him how I feel. I must wipe that unsure look from his turbulent eyes if he feels even half of what I feel for him.

  “I have prayed for you to come back to me every day since you left that morning. I waited to hear something, anything, from you. I asked whoever would listen up above, to grant me even the smallest piece of you, but I accepted that I couldn’t have you because your heart was already taken. When I found out I was pregnant, I took that as the only piece of you I was allowed to have. It was a small seed of hope growing inside of me, the one you and I created before I understood why we had no right to be together.

  “You see �
� I had a remarkable childhood in Cassis before my maman died. It was full of love and laughter—all I remember is warmth. I wanted to give the only part of you that you unknowingly left with me, a beautiful life too. That was the best I could do for her and me—I came back to the place I was happiest. I understand you didn’t choose to be with me or have a baby with me, and I wasn’t going to add to your troubles,” I say to try and explain to him that I’m not some horrible woman who wanted to keep a child away from a devoted papa. He was never an option and I wasn’t interested in becoming a burden.

  He doesn’t say a word and continues to look at me with a penetrating, unyielding stare. He slowly gets up, towering over me like a giant. I hear him remove and discard his shoes on the floor by the bed, and without losing eye contact or saying a single word, he climbs into bed behind me. I feel his hands pull me into him with the type of ownership I’ve craved and dreamed about. His touch is the silent answer sending a welcomed tremor throughout my body. I’ve felt the warmth and safety of his arms before, only to later lose them to a harsh reality. I must play it safe and think not just about myself but about a child who should only know love and acceptance.

  “You and the baby are not a problem, you are the solution. You are my happiness and my reason for waking up. You are my family, Sarah.” The warmth of his words warms both the nape of my neck and my heart. “I want to be your home, the place you always feel safe and happy.” His words echo in my head like a kind of déjà vu. I suddenly don’t just feel Jeff, but I feel my maman’s and grand-mère’s warm embrace as well.