by Derrick Jaxn
"Well this fifty-something-year old ain't running and my baby days are over till you and that nice girl of yours give me some grandbabies. How is she doin' anyway?"
Momma met Danielle at a few of my football games. Just my luck, they hit it off well. Really well. And she hadn't let go of their connection any more than I had.
"Come on, Momma. Why you gotta bring her up right now? I just told you I got a job offer. They paying me 70k starting out, benefits, free company car and gas card, the whole nine. You talking about grandbabies?"
"Well, you're the one who brought it up, I'm just sayin'. But that's good, Bud. God is really smiling on you. Graduation coming up and you already got yaself a job. That's real good, I'm proud. Never doubted you for one second."
"Thank you. That's all I needed to hear."
"Now the real question is, did you thank God?"
I quickly said a quick thank you in my head to God.
"Yes, ma'am. I sure did."
"Good. It don't matter what happen. Don't you ever forget who it is that's really helping you through. You're not in control of all this."
"I got it, Momma, and I agree. So, how's things down there in good ole' Enterprise? I wanna come home to visit soon. Just gotta get through these finals."
"Yeah, you know, ain't a whole lot going on this way. Letting these collards soak in the sink right now. I suppose I can cook me some with a lil' tilapia later this evening."
I felt my stomach cry out for her cooking through rumbling and tears unseen. Ain't nothing like my momma's home cooking.
"That sounds too good right about now. I would be treating myself out but I'm still trying to budget so I'm stuck on this cafe food. Matter of fact, I'm about to head over there now. They stop serving breakfast at nine so I'mma have to call you back later on when--"
"Before you go," she interrupted, "promise me one thing."
"Yes, ma'am? What is it?"
"Promise me you gon' pray a real prayer and thank the Lord. I know you ain't think twice about thanking him before I said somethin' so you need to get to praying as soon as we get off this phone. You act ungrateful, and he can take them blessings as easy as he gave 'em to you."
"Got it. Will do."
"All right. I'll talk to you later, baby. You be safe, ya hear?"
"Yes ma'am. Love you."
"Love you too."
It seemed like over the years, Momma had gotten a lot more spiritual than she used to be. That wasn't a bad thing, but it definitely had shown up in our conversations.
I still had my hang-ups about religion. These days, it was hard to know what to believe or who was in control, and if they were in control, why they let so many bad things happen.
Every other story was about another preacher doing something wild and if we're supposed to be following their lead then where would that land us?
Not having a definite answer to that question kept me away from the church but never separated me from my personal relationship with God. That was one thing nobody could take from me no matter how much I sinned or how many of his ways I didn't understand. If he was mad at me for that, he had a funny way of showing it.
As I promised, I took about ten minutes and had my heart to heart with the Lord. It was genuine and passionate. I started reflecting on everything I'd been through, all the people I'd lost and what I was supposed to learn from it.
Jazmin taught me a lot about the side effects of both loyalty and lies. Danielle taught me about how good girls have their limits just like anyone else. No matter how strong their love is, eventually it'll run out if it's not returned in the same amount.
Ronnie taught me about forcing friendships and how that was never a good idea. Speaking of Ronnie, I wondered how his dad situation went. That made me think of my dad. I didn't know what I was supposed to learn from losing him. But I guess I couldn't learn if I never talked to him. With me finishing school, that might be something worth digging into. Tracking him down, getting real answers. Deciding whether it was closure or a rebuilding of our relationship that was next.
Lunch time came around and I was back headed to the cafe again, still floating on the good news I'd gotten from what would be my new job post-graduation. But the one person I wanted to share it with most besides my mom wasn't even speaking to me.
As time went on, it sure seemed like Danielle was as done as she said she would be. Didn't know how to accept that or if I wanted to.
I walked in the cafe and got my plate. The guy I'd been seeing Danielle with just so happened to walk in, then came and sat one table behind me, him and another group of guys with a seat saved on his left.
I got nervous. How awkward it was going to be if Danielle was coming to meet him there, to have lunch with him. With me, right there and exposed to whatever conversation they'd be having. His face looked so damn familiar, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.
I was in a good mood and had been keeping myself composed rather well. I didn't need this to come wrecking it, so I tried to hurry and finish my food, damn near choking in the process.
Five minutes later, I was chewing my last mouthful and getting up to go dump my plate, but the moment I turned my head, I saw the very person I least expected.
Lewis.
He stopped short a few feet, cautiously. That was until his other homeboys stood up when they noticed the temperament of the situation.
"You again," he mumbled.
"Look, I'm not here for no trouble. Was just leaving matter of fact."
The guy behind me that Danielle had been with turned around to look. Right then it hit me.
That was the same guy I'd seen before standing on the side of the building with Lewis when we got in the fight. He was Lewis' homeboy. That's where I knew him from.
He spoke up, "Nah, he ain't gon' do nothin' now. Ain't got nobody to protect no more."
Lewis chimed in, "Oh, yeah. That's right. You was doing all that fighting tryna be super-save-a-ho while he was out here fuckin' yo bitch."
The whole table of friends starting laughing, including his homeboy. I was more alert for action than I was actually entertaining his comments. A part of me felt embarrassed because with how things played out, it could be true. But again, it was no time to decide that.
"Bruh, just let it go. Yo ho don't want you no mo'. She mine and soon enough she'll be somebody else's," his homeboy said.
"Like I said, I'm not here for no trouble." My temperature was rising. If I swung, I wanted to hit Lewis' homeboy first, then Lewis. I could take them both for sure. Not sure about what'd happen when the others jumped in.
Neither his tone nor his stance leaned toward civil. "Yeah, you not here for trouble, a'ight. But I don't think we finished that little talk we had before. I might have a few words to say."
"Well, don't bite your tongue. Say what's on your mind," I said out of reflex, stepping toward him. His boys all moved as I did like they were actually ready to jump in this time.
"What's going on here?" a voice said behind Lewis.
Everyone looked around and saw Danielle standing behind him, looking confused.
"Shawn?" she asked.
I answered, "Danielle," sobering out of my anger, but only temporarily.
Lewis' homeboy flashed a proprietary smile, "Hey, babe, ain't nothing wrong. We just was talking."
"Nah, we wasn't just talking," Lewis puffed out. "We was about to settle a lil' score from the last time we threw hands. That's what was about to happen."
"Shawn, you're fighting now?"
"It was a while back, Danielle. I'm not tryna fight, I'm just tryna leave."
"Lewis, let him out. Y'all need to stop acting all crazy." she said sternly.
Lewis let off a slight grin as he turned sideways to allow me walking room out from between the tables.
The rest of the cafe was staring, watching the show.
I eased out, fully alert for what could be Lewis' next move.
He tried to scare me when I got close enough
and yelled, "Boo!"
I seized the opportunity and grabbed him in a choke hold. His knees buckled, but I kept him from falling with his neck wedged within the fold of my arm.
His boys came forward and I gripped tighter until Lewis put his hands up for them to stop.
"Y'all, I said cut it out!" Danielle barked.
I waited a few seconds then let him go. He yanked away, rubbing his neck.
I looked back at Danielle. Somewhere in those eyes was the girl I'd fallen in love with. Being that close again just reawakened my desire even with the current situation on scratching at that fresh wound of her leaving me.
I went ahead and walked out of the cafe, glad to be making it out of there without getting in any real trouble, but pissed at the fact I was once getting the short hand of the stick.
I got home and did pushups till I dropped, losing count after about 400.
All of the ways I wanted to cause severe bodily harm to both Lewis and his homeboy.
It wasn't like me to be so violent. So I thought. But when you're in love, you don't have the same control you used to. People lose their minds amidst heartbreaks all the time. I think that's what was happening to me. My ego had been involved in the breaking and that never helped.
After about an hour of push-ups and too-loud music, my body dripping sweat and my arms limp from the workout, I flopped against the wall and slid down to the floor to gather my thoughts.
My next move was going to have to be drastic, one way or the other.
Either get things off my chest, starting with kicking Lewis' and his boy's ass. Or find a way to get Danielle to listen to me one last time. If I could just get her to listen, despite the result, I think I could have some kind of closure.
Closure or handing out ass whoopings. Handing out ass whoopings or closure.
Momma's voice rang in my head, "Maybe you should ask God."
Her voice was right. So I did. I sat and prayed myself to sleep but not before getting my answer.
God would never tell somebody to hand out an ass whooping so that confirmed it for me; I needed to try one more time at getting that closure. It was either all or nothing.
Chapter 15
I Hope He Buys You Flowers
I woke up from my slumber and forced myself into the shower to rinse some of my filth off. I'd only been to asleep a few hours, a decent nap in the middle of the day that'd certainly keep me up later that night.
When I logged on to Facebook, I saw that Danielle had blocked me from everything. She only did that when she was really pissed. I should've known I'd end up being the bad guy.
Her new little boyfriend really had gotten in my head.
I started getting curious if he was just talking or if he and Danielle really had sex. She wasn't that type of girl. At least not with me.
I chose to trust our experience over the words of some dude I really didn't know, but if given the chance, I know I'd ask.
But he did call her "Babe". And she didn't stop him either. That meant something. It had to. And that sucked if it did.
When a guy moves on from a girl, it's only physically and most times temporarily. But when a girl moves on, she takes her heart and soul with her. She's the full package when she's in love and out of it. That's why brothers are always the ones to run back after our little physical vacation is over with and we still want a home to come to.
After I got out of the shower, I opened up my laptop to try and distract myself for a while. At the top of my Facebook newsfeed was a life quote, as usual, but this one read:
"If you love something, let it go. If it never comes back, then it was never yours to begin with."
I sat against the headboard of my bed, analyzing it over and over again in my head. What if you don't let it go, but instead you push it away? Does it still have the obligation of coming back or does it then become your responsibility to go get it?
Of course, the person who posted it didn't have the answer, but with a little digging I went on a search to see what the experts had to say.
Relationship gurus were all the new rage. Steve Harvey had opened the door, and right behind him came your every-day unemployed opportunist knocking the wall down with some recycled lines from The Notebook and a pretty profile picture. I loved good words, but I was always weary of those types.
I clicked around on YouTube sifting through them for about an hour. The "A real man__________" (fill in the blank with something women would love to hear)-type gurus made up the majority. Then there were the "I know this isn't in the Bible, but God told me to tell you______" (fill in the blank with something God never said) types. I'm sure some of them were legit, but it's hard to take anyone serious when they all sound the same.
After a little exhaustion and a lot of disappointment, I decided to give it one more try and refine my search from Relationship Advice to Relationship Advice for Men. After scrolling to the very bottom, past all of the previously viewed videos, there was a video titled, "Stop Being a Lil' Bitch and Get Yo Gal Back 101".
I had to click it.
He started off the video with, "Relationship issues are like cockroaches. You may not see 'em, but they gon' follow you everywhere you go if you ignore 'em."
From then on I was hooked. Finally, somebody who wasn't regurgitating the same ole same.
He wasn't in a suit and tie like the others, and he didn't have a freshly trimmed goatee nor any book tours he was promoting. He was a regular guy, mid to late thirties with a few tats that suggested he may or may not have been to prison before. Well...that and the du-rag, khakis(no belt), and a cigarette hanging on for dear life off of his bottom lip all suggested that actually. His teeth were a little crooked, even the ones with the gold caps, but other than that, he seemed fine. Definitely didn't come off as some politically correct puppet of marketability, so it was a breath of fresh air.
"If you wanna get yo gal back, this is how you do it, homie. I'mma tell you straight up so you ain't out here mopin' 'round in Starbucks, looking like somebody done kill't yo pet catfish and wipin yo punk ass tears with the pages of some relationship book full of Marilyn Monroe's life advice. This that real, homie."
Of course, I turned up the volume. I knew whatever he was going to suggest had to be good.
"First thang you got to do, is send her a picture of that weed-whacka and I ain't talmbout the murda weapon, um..I mean ain't talmbout the gardenin' tool.
"Now you might be saying to yoself, 'Right, that way she can remember what she had, get horny, and come knockin' on my door by sun up' but you'd be mistaken, lil' homie. If you was doin' it right the first time, she wouldn't have forgotten yo hard-to-remember sex-having ass as it is.
"Nah, you sendin' a flick of that sausage roll in hopes of her new man seein' it.
"Now, hol' up, wait, I know what you thankin'. But this ain't on no fruity loops shit, mane. I ain't hatin' though, if boys is yo choice of toys, do yo thang. But this video is for lovin' up on these gals, you can turn to Lifetime for all that other riff-raff."
This guy was like a ghetto Confucius. I could see him being the appointed counselor for his cell mates in prison, everyone pulling up their buckets to sit and listen to his hood-inspirational-isms.
"But like I was sayin', you need to spark that insecurity in her new man, because surely she got herself one. Just cuz you stopped hittin' it don't mean she stopped gettin' hit.
"You gotta get that new man to start questionin' his manhood. Bring out some of them insecurities. From that insecurity gon' come the arguin', the pointin' fingers, and what-not, then BAM! You roll up on eem one day, make sure that chest hair coming up out the top of dat button-up real strong like Richard Pryor used to have it, get you some of that BOD spray from the dollar store so you can smell good, or you can just do what I do and mix up a teaspoon of gasoline and a cup of Listerine with a touch of lemon 'cause that makes for a manly fragrance as well; then swoop in and let her know that her new man's a square. Tell her she need 'em out her circle so y'
all can get back right and get it in from every angle, feel me?
"Do it just like that, I promise you it's gon' work like a charm."
Yeah, he was definitely cut from a different cloth, all right. His theme music was NWA's Straight Out of Compton and just before the video went off, he gave one last disclaimer.
"For all you little trick-or-treat-sized, premature baby dick-havin' ass suckas out there, you need to Photoshop the dick from a real nigga and put it on yours or don't send the pic at all. Her new man see yo lil' Gerber dick, he gone get even mo' confidence and then he gon' American Pie yo gal betta than befo'. They'll be married within a week. Don't say I ain't warn you, homie. God bless."
Interesting.
I don't think his videos were to be taken literally, but they always say to every joke, there's a silver lining of truth.
I began to wonder if sending her a naked picture actually would help. Maybe it was risqué but women liked risqué. Taking chances was sexy and everyone loved sexy.
I headed to the bathroom to assess my lighting. A professional picture from my Nikon would be too much, but a camera phone pic would come from the heart. A lot more genuine.
I tidied up around the sink and cleaned the mirror because everyone knows there's nothing worse than a good-looking person in a struggling bathroom.
Once it was clean, and I'd gotten Optimus full of steam and ready to pose, I took a couple shots then graded myself.
First one was blurry and the second one looked forced. Plus, it sorta looked liked I didn't work my legs because of the angle so I stood on the tub and tried again.
This set was a little better with the exception of my knees now showing just how ashy they were. I ran into the room, fully erect, and threw on some lotion and then I tried again.
Along the way, I realized just how ridiculous I looked trying to use nudes to get back with Danielle. I could never be physically appealing enough to win back a woman I lost with emotional mishandling. The hell was I thinking?
I went through and deleted my little mini-porn star reel then hopped in the bed, laptop and lights off.