She must have wondered at some point, right? Maybe thought that she looked a little like Meg, or the pictures of her grandma when she was young.
“Can you imagine knowing that God so meticulously planned out such a miraculous answer to their deepest desires?” Cole muttered, squeezing me a little tighter. “Years ago, their prayer was answered, and they simply didn’t know.”
“It’s almost unbelievable,” I agreed.
“Kind of amazing, really, to think that your whole life could be in preparation for one moment that is just worked out perfectly at a precise time and place,” he sighed, turning slightly so he could look into my eyes as he gave me one of his enchanting smiles.
“Absolutely, I know it works that way,” I answered, smiling back at him.
“How is that?” he wanted to know.
“Because I’m here - with you – right now. I love you, Cole.”
“I love you back,” he stated, leaning forward to kiss me softly. “I got you something today. I felt kind of bad about the way we ditched you, even though you refused to come with us, but…” Reaching behind his back, he handed me a small brown paper sack, and I took it slowly while giving him a quizzical glance. Reaching my hand inside, I pulled out a slew of CD’s, and upon inspection, they all had a recurring theme.
“Michael Bublé?” I laughed, flipping through them. “What, did you buy every album he ever made?”
“Every album I could find,” he informed me, smirking slightly. I shook my head as I stared into those deep brown eyes, feeling like I could easily find myself lost in them momentarily.
“So you were going to bribe me with Bublé?” I confirmed, trying not to laugh at my husband.
“Did it work?” he wanted to know. Looking down at my hands, I stared at those album covers with a grin on my face.
“Okay, maybe a little, I will admit, although it really wasn’t necessary. You know all you have to do is smile at me and I’m done for.”
“Yeah?” he asked, flashing that incredible smile.
“Yeah,” I agreed, taking a deep breath, closing my eyes, and feeling immensely and totally blessed.
-§-
As quickly as all the unbelievable, life-changing events had rocked the worlds of the various Camdens and Charlies, it was time to return to the lives we had previously known. Of course, none of us could really go back to the people we were a few days before, but we knew we couldn’t stay together as one happy family in Philadelphia. My brother had to return to St. Louis, Trina, and little Cooper. Cole and I had to go back to Tennessee, because we had a plane to catch the next day to Los Angeles. The day after that, we were hopping a plane to New York. Naturally, the mere thought sent the panic bubbling into my chest like a bad case of heartburn.
Don’t think about it, Camdyn.
Too late, I’m already thinking about it. I should have been watching The Tilly Show this week – studying her antics, figuring out what to do and say. Now I’ll never know what to do. She’ll eat me alive.
“Who’s going to eat you alive?” Cole wondered, raising one eyebrow at me over his coffee cup and complimentary hotel continental breakfast muffin.
“Tilly,” I muttered. “Why am I having such a hard time keeping things in my head lately?”
“Because you’re insane,” Charlie inserted before he took a bite of his apple.
“I’m not insane,” I argued, glancing over at my husband. He hadn’t let that eyebrow return to its usual position yet, so I began to feel a bit defensive. “Honestly, I’m not. You don’t really think that, do you?”
“You’re insanely beautiful,” he said with a smile, and I expected Charlie’s groan even before I heard it. His protestation of our glorious love was becoming a bit predictable.
Yes, I said glorious love, and I meant it.
“Are you satisfied with our trip?” I asked my brother, while I tossed a quick smile in my husband’s direction.
“Sure,” he answered, nodding as he wrinkled his brow a touch. “I don’t think I could have asked for anything else, besides the fact that you met Grandma and I didn’t.”
“She wouldn’t know you,” I was quick to explain. I knew that hadn’t mattered to me, but I still had to put it out there.
“Yeah, but it would still be nice to have seen her.”
Charlie looked down into his coffee, and I caught Cole’s eye. He winked at me and gave me an understanding little half-smile, causing me to take a deep breath.
“I could take you,” I offered quietly. Quickly jerking his head up, Charlie’s intense gaze rested on me in a questioning manner.
“Do you think we should?” he wondered. For a split second I wanted to laugh at the notion of my big brother asking my advice about something, but instead I kept my amusement inside and retained a serious expression.
“I don’t suppose it would hurt anything,” I informed him. He offered up a resolute smile and then went back to his coffee, while I wondered if I could handle another visit to that slight, frail woman who would forever regard me as a stranger.
-§-
For the second day in a row, I found myself walking into the front doors of that care facility, but this time I had my fingers firmly clasped in those of Cole, which made me feel slightly better. Charlie was standing just behind, and as I stepped to the end of the covered walkway, a gust of wind came up and blew my curls wildly around my face, throwing me a little off balance emotionally. Somehow, physically, I remained perfectly upright and steady for a change.
Hesitating just inside the doorway, I wondered what I would say. Hannah had done all the talking the day before, and although she hadn’t really said anything that I couldn’t manage to say myself, she had done it with an ease and comfort level that I definitely did not possess. Having come that far, though, I knew I couldn’t let Charlie down. When I saw one of the nurses from the day before, and she recognized me and said hello, it helped calm me a smidgen.
“We just finished with breakfast, so she’ll be in her room,” the nurse told me. Nodding, I walked down the hall to where we had gone the day before, and I nervously paused outside the door. As I took a deep breath, Cole squeezed my hand, and Charlie nodded at me as if to tell me everything was okay. With that reassurance, I knocked twice before I nudged the door open.
She was sitting in the same spot where she had been the day before, gazing out the window, her faded blonde waves slightly flat on one side, wearing a blue blouse with a flower pattern and a pair of gray slacks. At first she must not have noticed our intrusion, because she continued to look out the glass at the trees beyond, while Charlie and I glanced timidly at one another. Pushing a curl behind my ear, I bit my lip.
What would Hannah do?
“Good morning,” I offered in a cheery voice, trying to sound unaffected the way Hannah had the day before. She lifted her head and began to turn from the window, adjusting herself in her chair, and then she met my eyes and looked at me. I mean, she really looked at me – almost into me, and I wasn’t quite sure what to say next.
“Darlene,” she whispered, rising slowly from her chair. Hearing Charlie gasp behind me, I stood there frozen, not sure what to do. Cautiously she moved toward me, her eyes never leaving my face, and my mind raced as I wondered if I should correct her.
“Darlene,” she repeated, her slender fingers clasping around my arm. “You came back.” Paralyzed by the fear of continuing down that road, or alternately of disappointing her in that moment, I said nothing. The deafening silence of Cole and Charlie behind me let me know that they had been stunned speechless as well.
“I’m…” I choked out, swallowing hard. “I’m here.”
That felt terrible. Seriously terrible. What are you doing, Camdyn?
“You brought your friends,” she added, as though she suddenly noticed that Charlie and Cole were in the room. Overcome with emotion, I simply nodded. “Should I get them something?”
“No, please,” I whispered. Still clinging to my arm, she
continued to gaze into my eyes.
“Oh, Darlene, I’m so sorry,” she breathed heavily, a tear escaping her eye. I felt emotion welling up inside my chest, and I attempted to smile at her.
“I’m the one who’s sorry,” I offered. “You were right when you said I didn’t need to make a name for myself to be someone. I finally know that now. Please forgive me.”
“But I have,” she insisted, stretching her frail arms out toward me. I folded her in an embrace and allowed her to cling to me, gently resting my hands against her back as she cried quietly. Struggling to keep my composure, I took a deep breath.
“I had the baby,” I told her. “A little girl. Her name is Hannah.” Leaning back, I searched her face for recognition, but saw none. “She was adopted by a wonderful family.”
“I’m so glad, Darlene,” she smiled at me tremulously. “I’m so glad.” Sliding out of my arms, she took my hands in hers and simply stood facing me, as though neither of us was willing to break the fragile moment of clarity we shared. Even though she erroneously believed me to be my mother, I knew this meeting was very real to her. Had Darlene actually been standing in my place at that moment, I had no idea how she would have reacted, but what I had uttered to Hannah the day before kept coming back to me:
She might know me, but I know her, and that’s all that matters.
Without saying a word, she continued to stare into my eyes, as though she was content just to know that Darlene was. Not that she was okay, or that that she had forgiven her, or that she was sorry for her actions, but simply that she was.
I know you, Grandma, I thought then as I looked at her face, with the slight wrinkles about the eyes and a few feathery lines around her mouth. I know your heart, and I wish Darlene was really here to tell you what you deserve to hear. Like you wrote in the journal, your life matters to me. Every moment of it, and the direction of it, and the whole scope of it.
With a slight nod of her head, she squeezed my hand, and I wondered briefly if we really were having a moment of understanding between us, but I knew that was impossible. She wasn’t a mind reader, and I had already said too much while pretending to be Darlene. Putting more words in her mouth that I had no idea whether she would actually say seemed intrinsically wrong.
I love you, though, Grandma.
“There you are, Isabel,” a kind voice spoke behind me, and I twisted slightly to see a flash of light pink colored clothing against dark skin, blinking the tears back until with clear vision the nurse appeared in non-blurry form. Her thick hair was in a braid wrapped around her head, and she smiled at me as she came close. “I’ve just got your medicine here, and then you can go back to your friends.”
“Okay,” she replied, and I noticed that her hand slightly trembled as she removed it from mine. Stepping over to the table, the nurse began laying out the little cups, and I felt Cole’s fingers against my shoulder. I couldn’t take my eyes from her, so I simply reached up and placed my hand over his, forcing myself to continue simply breathing in and out as I waited for her to turn around. The nurse spoke in low tones that I couldn’t manage to focus on, placing her hand against my grandmother’s back, her fingernails painted the same pale pink as her shirt. A few more words, and she retreated with another smile in my direction.
“I’ll let you get back to your guests,” she stated cheerily, stepping past me, and Isabel ran her fingers across the edge of the table calmly for a few seconds before turning slightly and noticing Charlie. She flinched a bit as though she hadn’t expected to see him, but then she tried to grin in that absent fashion.
“Hello, I didn’t know I had visitors,” she informed him. Hesitantly Charlie glanced at me, and she rotated her glance in my direction. “Many visitors. Goodness.”
“Charlie just wanted to meet you before we left,” I offered, tears springing to my eyes.
“That’s nice,” she stated awkwardly, twisting her hands in a reserved manner. “I… I am…”
“Isabel,” I suggested, but she shook her head.
“No… Hmm, no…” Glancing nervously from me to Cole, her brow furrowed slightly. “Do I know you?”
“No, you don’t,” I whispered, emotion sweeping over me. Lifting my fist to my mouth, I tried not to verbalize my heartache as a tear slid down my cheek.
“Sad girl,” she muttered, staring blankly in my direction but appearing to focus more on the wall behind me. Charlie took that opportunity to step in and say his goodbyes, and Cole added some niceties as well, but I couldn’t move. I longed for her to see me as Darlene for one more moment, even a few more seconds, so I could relish that connection and tell her that I loved her. She deserved to know that. No matter how I willed it, though, that faraway look in her eyes persisted, and there was no light there – just the empty feeling of knowing that we would never truly connect as Camdyn and Isabel.
So, I choked out my goodbye, and somehow Cole ushered me into the hall, where it was Charlie who suddenly became my rock, holding me in his arms while I cried for the things I would never have a chance to say.
-§-
“Please tell me we can change the music now,” Charlie complained, raising his voice a bit. He and Cole had been talking between themselves for a couple hours while I sat alone in the backseat, staring out the window and replaying that conversation with my grandmother in my mind.
“Huh?” I muttered, slightly confused by the sudden inclusion in the conversation.
“I asked if we can change the music,” Charlie repeated. Smiling a little to myself, I looked up at his eyes in the rear view mirror.
“No,” I retorted. “I’m in a Bublé kind of mood. In fact, put in the Christmas CD.”
“Camdyn, it’s June,” he stated sarcastically.
“Seriously, Charlie? You’re going to argue with me now? I’m in a fragile emotional state.”
“Since when do you even listen to this kind of music?” Charlie wondered aloud, giving me a disgusted look in the rear view mirror.
“Since Peter took me to a Bublé concert a few months ago,” I stated simply, remembering the last man who proposed to me, sending me running to Tennessee in the first place.
“That’s funny – he took you on a date and you wound up falling in love with the singer instead of him,” Charlie laughed.
“Yeah, you’re hilarious,” I retorted to my brother. “A little less talk and a little more yuletide spirit, please.”
“Put in the Christmas CD,” Cole backed me up. Even from my vantage point in the backseat, I could see the dirty look Charlie shot in his direction.
“I’m supposed to listen to Christmas music at a very unseasonal time just because she’s in a ‘Bublé kind of mood?’” Charlie wanted to know.
“Less talking, more Bublé,” I ordered. “Don’t cross me, or I’ll start crying again.”
“Are you okay, babe?” Cole asked, turning to look in my direction. Staring into those caring brown eyes, it was hard for me not to let my emotions get the better of me.
“I will be,” I assured him quietly.
“We need a pit stop,” Cole instructed my brother.
“Can’t you hold it a little longer?” Charlie grumbled. Cole continued to look at me with a solemn expression, his eyes resting easily on mine, studying me.
“It’s not a bladder issue, man, I need to hug my wife.” At that, I smiled a little in spite of myself.
“You have got to be kidding me…” Charlie moaned.
“I guess I can just climb into the backseat.”
“And chauffeur you two around while you make out back there? I don’t think so.” I caught a hint of a glimmer in Cole’s eye, and I watched as a slow smile crept across his face.
“Going over the seat…” he warned Charlie, causing me to chuckle.
“I’m pulling over,” Charlie assured him with a very exaggerated sigh.
“And the Bublé…” I suggested.
“Fine, bring on the winter wonderland,” he stated. “…longest road t
rip of my life…”
“He’s talking to himself,” Cole stated, raising his eyebrow.
“I know,” I teased my brother. “He’s practically insane.”
Chapter Nineteen
After sleeping a little longer than I intended that Sunday morning, I woke to the smell of bacon and immediately felt slightly sick to my stomach. The last couple of days had put me through the wringer emotionally, and knowing that I had to get out of bed only to pack for the flight to California was not causing any warm, fuzzy feelings to filter through. In fact, it filled me with a sense of dread.
Rising from bed, I padded across the hard wood and down the hall, descending the stairs and finally emerging into the kitchen where Cole was standing, spatula in hand next to the stove. Letting out an exaggerated yawn, I pushed my hair away from my face and tucked it securely behind my ear.
“Hey, beautiful,” he stated casually. “Hungry?”
“Mmm, I doubt it,” I answered hesitantly. “I have a nervous stomach with all the things going through my head.”
“I wish you would stop worrying,” he cautioned, training his eyes on mine. “You’re going to be fine.”
“I suppose it’s helpful that one of us believes that,” I told him with a smile, noticing a large stack of envelopes on the table. “What’s all that?”
“Mail my mom picked up for us. Most of it is yours, so I’m guessing book stuff.”
Book stuff!
No matter how many times I had a book published, it was still unbelievably satisfying to see the finished product in my own hands. I was particularly excited about this one, since it was my story about Willa, my own fifth great-grandmother. This was also the first time my name would be on the cover of the book, instead of C.W. Oliver. Adrenaline began rushing through my veins, and I moved slowly toward the table, hands outstretched. Shoving a couple of ordinary pieces of mail off the big yellow envelope, I lifted it in my hands, pulling awkwardly at the adhesive on the back.
A Reason to Forget (The Camdyn Series Book 3) Page 25