by Annie Lyons
‘Terrific,’ said Lizzie. ‘And Fran?’
‘Terrific,’ he echoed.
They stared at each other for a moment. ‘So I should probably get this one to the park,’ said Lizzie gesturing at the dog.
Ben nodded. ‘Sure, sure. Actually, mind if I tag along? Fran’s taken a day off to learn the ropes at the shop and – ‘
‘And?’ asked Lizzie.
‘Susie might be about to strangle her with said rope.’
‘I see. So you’re running away,’ she teased.
Ben gave this some thought. ‘Yes, yes I am,’ he said. ‘Will you run with me?’
She laughed. ‘Well I’ll walk at a leisurely pace if that’s okay.’
‘Suits me just fine,’ he grinned.
They walked along in silence and Lizzie didn’t feel the need to fill it with words. It was good to hang out with Ben again. She enjoyed their banter and realised that she’d missed his sense of humour. Lizzie liked talking to him too; he was a good listener and she always felt that they shared a similar world view. She sometimes wondered what might have been but they were both happy with their respective partners and she was glad to count him as a friend. It was the ideal scenario really.
As they reached the park, she let Bambi off his lead and he shot across the wide expanse of green with his customary exuberance.
‘So how did your trip go with Sam?’ asked Ben.
Lizzie wasn’t sure how to answer. She still felt deeply unsettled by the whole episode at the theme park. It was a tricky one because she loved Sam dearly and knew that he’d struggled since his mother’s death. In many ways, she would forgive him almost anything but she had been deeply shocked by his reaction towards Alex and the coldness in his eyes as he had told her that he didn’t want to see her again. Lizzie felt as if she had lost the thread of their relationship and didn’t know how to get it back. She had also felt uncomfortable at the way Alex had spoken to Sam. She knew he was being protective but there was something about it that bothered her. She hadn’t mentioned it again, hoping that she might be able to forget it once peace had been restored with Sam. However, it wasn’t so much peace as communication that eluded Lizzie and Sam at the moment.
He hadn’t spoken at all on the way back to the car and throughout the journey home. She had phoned Joe and explained that something had happened but when they reached the house, Sam had simply run up the stairs without a word leaving Joe and Lizzie on the doorstep. Alex had waited in the car whilst Lizzie did her best to explain. It had been one of those awkward conversations, with Lizzie loath to criticise Sam and Joe embarrassed and apologetic on his son’s behalf. He had tried without success to get Sam to apologise.
‘I’m so sorry, Lizzie. I can’t believe he’s behaved like this on your day out.’
Lizzie had waved away his concerns, excusing it as part of his grief and left. Joe had sent another apologetic text the next day. They had spoken a couple of times since but Joe could never persuade Sam to come to the phone.
‘I think Sam’s struggling,’ said Lizzie finally.
Ben nodded. ‘It must be so hard for him. Losing a parent at any age is hard but at the age of ten? Blimey. That’s the worst.’
Lizzie was touched by his compassion. ’He’s furious with the world sometimes,’ she remarked.
Ben shrugged. ‘I’m not surprised. I think I’d be punching holes in walls for a long time if I’d lost my mother at that age,’ he said. ‘It’s good that he’s got his Auntie Lizzie to look out for him though.’
Lizzie bit her lip. ‘Actually, he completely lost the plot on our trip and hit Alex. Now he won’t speak to me and I don’t know why. Oh Ben, it was awful,’ she said clutching her forehead in despair.
Ben put a hand out and touched her on the shoulder. ‘Hey, it’s okay. You’ll sort it because that’s the kind of person you are.’
‘Do you think so?’ she said glancing up at him, her eyes brimming with tears. ‘Because I feel as if I’m failing everyone – Sam, Bea, Joe, even Alex.’
‘Right, Lizzie Harris, do I need to get strict with you like the last time you blubbed?’ he asked. Lizzie gave a weak laugh. ‘It strikes me that you’re trying to be your sister when really you need to be yourself.’ She stared at him in astonishment. He was right. ‘She left you those letters to help transform your life didn’t she? She didn’t ask you to replace her. No one could do that. She wanted you to be yourself, just a happier version. And it seems to me it’s working. You’re a very different person to the girl I first met. You seemed terrified by life and now – ’
‘Now?’ asked Lizzie eager to hear more.
He adopted a movie trailer announcer’s voice. ‘In a world of darkness there is a new heroine. She has overcome life and all its crappiness to become Lizzie the Brave!’
Lizzie laughed. ‘You’re bonkers.’
He bowed as if it was a compliment. ‘You will sort everything in time but you’ll do it your way.’
‘Sounds like a cue for a song,’ joked Lizzie.
‘Would you like me to sing it for you?’ asked Ben with a cheesy grin.
She laughed again. ‘Maybe later. And thanks, Ben.’ He shrugged as if to say, what did I do? ‘It’s good to talk to someone who sees it from the outside. I’ve only ever had Bea before but families are different.’
‘They certainly are. Often you want to murder them,’ he joked. ‘Which reminds me, I should probably get back and make sure the girls are playing nicely.’
‘So everything is good with Fran and you’re happy?’ asked Lizzie as they walked back.
Ben nodded. ‘She’s making a huge effort, really trying to make things work.’
Lizzie noticed that he didn’t answer the second part of her question but decided it was best not to press him. These things take time. She knew this better than most people. As they arrived at the shops, she reached up and hugged him. ‘You’re a good friend, Ben.’
He smiled. ‘My pleasure. Always happy to help a damsel in distress.’ He paused to pat Bambi on the head before disappearing into the coffee shop.
That evening, back in her flat, Lizzie’s mind turned towards the letters. Alex was working so she had a rare night to herself. It felt like the perfect time to read and think about Bea’s next wish without the risk of being disturbed. She thought about what Ben had said. She was hopeful that the letters might help her find a solution for the situation with Sam but only she could make it happen. She was missing Sam and dearly wanted to get their relationship back on an even keel. She carried the letter over to the sofa and began to read.
Dear Lizzie,
I hope you had a fantastic birthday trip with Sam. I bet he loved every second.
Lizzie felt her heart sink at the words. The difficulty of following a dead person’s wishes was that they could never be sure which way things would go. She sighed as she read on.
So this next wish is all about Dad. I can imagine you panicking as you read this because everyone has their weak spot and I know Dad is yours.
I remember meeting up with you when he was ill. We went for a pizza at a restaurant near to where I worked. It was freezing cold that day and you came in wearing threadbare jeans and the thinnest jacket I’d ever seen. I wanted to scoop you up, take you home and look after you but you would never have let me. You were living with that dodgy bloke Guy by then and I knew he was selling drugs but you wouldn’t admit it. At least you never got into all that, Lizzie. You lived in some god-awful places with some very suspect people but you kept yourself clean.
Anyway, that was the day I had to tell you that Dad was dying and I can still remember your face. You looked exactly like you did as a toddler when you used to follow me everywhere, reaching out your pudgy hands and calling, ‘Bea-bea, bea-bea,’ every time you wanted a hug. But you sat very still with your hands in your lap on that day. You seemed frozen to the spot. Eventually you asked me if I thought you should go and see him. I remember avoiding the question really. I knew how thing
s were with Mum and Dad, how difficult Mum was finding coming to terms with Dad’s illness. I knew how badly she would react to you going home. I knew there would be a scene and I didn’t think Dad needed to be upset. Part of me wondered if there was any point in you seeing him just because he was dying. Most people don’t get to say goodbye before they die so how would this be any different?
As I face my own death, I see how wrong this was and I am sorry. I think I should have helped you visit Dad instead of putting you off. However, I know it was your decision in the end and so my wish is for you to stop blaming yourself. I think that there was more than one person to blame for that decision and I think that Dad knew you loved him. Ask Mum if you don’t believe me.
Love you,
Bea x
Lizzie was crying as she put down the letter. Her dear, lovely dad. Bea was right. He was her weak spot but she had kept thoughts of him tucked away for so long. He had always been the antidote to her mother’s strictness, the one she would run to when things got out of hand. He did his best to stick up for her but it wasn’t always easy when you were dealing with Stella Harris. Lizzie had been heartbroken when he let her go. She had always expected that it would be her father, like a knight on a white charger, who would come to her rescue when she lost the baby. His silence had been another cruel blow and she had felt so angry with him.
She had thought about going home on more than one occasion but something had always stopped her; Bea’s advice, her mother’s inevitable reaction or very likely her own sense of hurt and anger: the feeling that the people who were supposed to love you most in the world had wholly rejected you. She dearly wished that she’d had the strength back then that she felt now. And it was this strength that made her resolve to go and see her mother. Ben was right. She was Lizzie the Brave now, or at least Lizzie the Braver. There were questions that remained unanswered and Lizzie knew that she would keep going with Bea’s wishes until she’d found the answers to them all. She owed it to Bea, to Sam, her father but most of all, to herself.
Chapter Nineteen
Late April
A couple of months had passed since Lizzie had visited her mother and Stella seemed pleased to see her.
‘You look different,’ she observed, leading Lizzie down to the kitchen. ‘Is it your hair?’
‘No, I don’t think so.’
Stella peered at her more closely. ‘You look well. Is it something to do with Alex?’
Lizzie smiled. ‘He makes me very happy.’
Stella seemed satisfied. ‘Yes, his mother rarely talks about anything else. I am happy for you, Lizzie. Now would you like a coffee?’
‘Yes please.’ Lizzie sat at the kitchen table and looked around the immaculate space. There wasn’t a single item out of place or the slightest crumb left over from breakfast. She thought about Sam and Joe’s chaotic kitchen and tried to remember if her mother had ever allowed a mess when she and Bea were growing up. She couldn’t recall it. As thoughts of Sam floated through her mind, she wondered if she should discuss his outburst with her mother but then she remembered the purpose of her visit and resolved to save it for later.
‘Have you spoken to Grandpa lately?’ asked Stella, kettle poised in mid-air.
‘I phoned him last week,’ said Lizzie.’
‘How did he seem to you?’
‘Confused. He called me Bea twice and Stella once.’
Stella nodded. ‘He’s getting worse. I’ve been thinking about residential homes.’
Lizzie didn’t want to be distracted from the topic of her father but knew she couldn’t dismiss this subject out of hand. She was also pleased that her mother was discussing it with her. ‘He won’t like that,’ she observed.
‘There’s a lot of things my father doesn’t like, but it would be for his own good.’
For his own good. Everything was done for someone’s own good, even if they weren’t party to the decision. ‘I suppose so.’
Stella picked up on her tone but chose to ignore it. ‘I’ve actually found a lovely home right by the sea. I think he’d like it if I could persuade him to visit.’
‘Maybe you and I could take him some time?’ suggested Lizzie.
Stella gave her daughter a look of grateful surprise. ‘Well that would be lovely if were able to,’ she smiled, carrying a cafetiere and two mugs over to the table. ‘Would you like a biscuit?’
‘No thank you. Actually Mum, I do need to talk to you.’
‘Oh,’ said Stella, raising an eyebrow. ‘What about?
‘About Dad.’
‘Actually, I think I will have a biscuit,’ said Stella ferreting around in the cupboard as if Lizzie hadn’t spoken.
‘Mum!’ said Lizzie, irritated. ‘We need to talk about this.’
Stella walked back to the table, sighing like a petulant teenager. ‘Why? I thought we’d sorted all this. The past is the past. Why do you have to keep dredging it up?’
This reaction would have made Lizzie angry before but now she stayed deliberately calm. She would make her mother understand. ‘Because I think it’s important to you and me. I’m still coming to terms with the past. I can’t move on or rather we can’t move on until we’ve talked everything through.’
Stella rolled her eyes. ‘You sound like one of those awful American TV shows where they all shout at one another.’
‘We don’t have to shout but I think it’s important to talk. It’s better than keeping it bottled up.’
‘Is it? Why do people have to be accusing and blaming all the time?’
‘So that they can forgive.’
Stella hesitated. She stared down at her daughter and Lizzie noticed her gaze soften as she recognised the truth. She sat down, folding her hands together in readiness. ‘What do you need to know?’
Lizzie took a deep breath. ‘Did Dad know about the baby?’
Stella looked down at her hands. ‘No.’
‘You didn’t tell him.’
‘No,’ said Stella quietly.
‘Why not? And if you say because you were doing it for the good of your family, I will scream.’
Stella looked fearful. ‘I was going to but then you lost the baby and I knew how angry he’d be that I’d kept it from him.’
Lizzie was appalled. ‘So because you wanted to protect yourself you just let him believe that I’d run away? How could you do that? I stayed angry with Dad until he died because I thought he didn’t care.’
‘He did care.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because he tried to come and find you on more than one occasion.’
Lizzie’s mind raced. Her Dad had tried to save her. He had tried and failed. Her eyes filled with tears as she thought about him searching for her, thinking that she didn’t want to be found. Guilt and grief washed over her. She was surprised to feel Stella’s hands reach out for hers. She might have pulled away in years gone by but she let them rest there for a while.
After a pause, Stella drew back and fixed Lizzie with a look of sadness. ‘You phoned here, didn’t you?’ she said.
Lizzie glanced up at her mother in surprise. In the days after Bea had told her that her Dad was dying, Lizzie had gone to a pay phone and tried to call home. Her mother had answered and Lizzie recalled standing listening to her increasingly irritated voice until eventually her mother said, ‘Lizzie, is that you?’ Lizzie had hung up immediately and run away, back to her other life.
‘Yes,’ said Lizzie. ‘I didn’t know what to say.’
‘I told your Dad that you had called,’ said Stella. Lizzie stared at her open-mouthed. ‘I told him that you said you were sorry that you couldn’t come home at that time and that you loved him very much.’ She looked Lizzie in the eye. ‘That wasn’t a lie, was it?’
Lizzie shook her head. ‘No it wasn’t.’ She felt her heart lift a little. ‘What did he say?’
Stella seemed lost in a memory. ‘He smiled. He wasn’t able to talk much by that stage but I remember him smiling and sa
ying, ‘Lizzie.’
Fresh tears formed in Lizzie’s eyes and it was her turn to take hold of her mother’s hands. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I needed to hear that.’
***
As she drove over to Alex’s flat that afternoon, Lizzie felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her. She had never expected her mother to be the one to lift it but then life was full of surprises. If there was one thing that she had realised about Stella, it was that Lizzie hadn’t really known her at all. There was still some forgiving to do, but for now it was enough that they were being honest with one another.
The issue with Sam still worried her. She had talked briefly to her mother about him. They shared similar concerns but they weren’t sure how exactly to help him. Stella suggested that they have a family lunch for Lizzie’s birthday next month and see if they could find a way to help Sam then. Lizzie liked it that they were facing these problems together now; it was beginning to feel like a mother-daughter relationship should.
She pressed the intercom button on reaching Alex’s flat, her worries and concerns disappearing as he let her in. He was cooking her dinner this evening and she was looking forward to it. Her heart surged with happiness as she glimpsed his smiling face at the top of the stairs.
‘Hello, my darling,’ he said, kissing her on the mouth and helping her with her coat. ‘How was your day?’
‘Better now,’ she said, leaning in to kiss him again. ‘Something smells good.’
Alex raised one eyebrow. ‘I’m making a special dinner for the woman I love.’
‘Well aren’t I the lucky one?’ she grinned, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling his body towards hers.
‘You are rather,’ he said. ‘And the best thing is, that it won’t be ready for at least half an hour,’ he added, pushing her gently towards the bedroom. He lay her down on the bed and began to kiss her slowly. She leaned back and sighed. As he shifted his weight on top of her, she felt something dig into her leg.